To not allow younger sibling to birthday party with 45 mins notice?

[Riverside85]

DD’s birthday party yesterday- it was a church hall with entertainer (rather than a soft play where you pay per head), however I did take numbers into account when making food (individual food bags per child), party bags and the entertainer wanted numbers to pre-make balloon animals per child.

They’re Reception (turning 5). Whole class was invited. I saw one Mum at another party last week and as well as the 5yo she had her toddler with her. While chatting I said “Oh, would you like to bring X to DD’s party next week too?” She said “Ooh really? I didn’t like to assume but that would be lovely!” so I added the little one to the list.

Yesterday, the day of the party I get a text from another Mum 45 mins before the party start time- I was already at the hall setting up.

Text said “Hi sorry for the short notice but can my little boy X come along to the party, he won’t eat anything, he just really wants to come”. WIBU to reply “I’m really sorry but I haven’t made provision for him in the numbers and I’m already at the venue now”. She then replied “Aww no problem I’ll see if his Dad can take him out somewhere instead” so not like it was a childcare emergency and she had the two on her own.

Background: this same family brought both kids to DD’s soft play party last year without asking; the Dad brought them both in- I watched them at the door giving both names to the staff and the younger brother sat down at the table and had a meal. I didn’t say anything at the time as it was the middle of the party and I never said anything after. I have also seen the younger brother at quite a lot of other parties so think she must do this a bit.

My mum thinks I WBU and should’ve just said yes, tbh we did have spare food and a couple of extra party bags.

So WIBU?

Is it really mean spirited though?

These parents have "form" for turning up uninvited at parties they are not invited to. A 5 year old wants to spend their party with their friends, not their friends' little toddler siblings. A party isn't free childcare for a couple of hours. The fact that other parents are too polite to say no is reinforcing this mother's idea that asking for invites for siblings is perfectly OK.

There is at lease one parent like this at every school, we've certainly got a couple. One year we were planning a big church hall and entertainer party for a 6 year old, a mother turned up 45 minutes early with the invited child and his 9 year old sister. DH and I were sorting out tables, organising food, blowing up balloons. The CF mother approached MIL who was there to help with a breezy "Oh I know we're early but they were just SO excited and I couldn't keep them at home any longer!" MIL was so bamboozled by the whole thing she was all and let them in. The sister clearly didn't want to spend her afternoon with a bunch of her little brother's friends. The mother clearly wanted a couple of child free hours. She was late picking them up, and asked if there was any extra cake as it looked so tasty.

Never, never again.

I would have said yes, and just explained that he wouldn't get a balloon animals or food/party bags because you haven't included him in the numbers.

He could still have played.

I would have let him come but just said ‘sorry there won’t be any food as it’s already made up’. I’m guessing the younger sibling wasn’t older than 3 if the party is for a 5 year old. I’ve always allowed younger siblings at DD’s parties and DD2 often tags along with her older sister to parties, when that happens I’ve never expected her to be fed or have a party bag and she’s usually not the only younger sibling there. It was your party, I don’t think you were BU but maybe a bit unnecessarily harsh.

I'd have said yes if it was a last minute "really sorry, but dh needs to do x, is it possible to bring both boys?"
But to ask "because he wants to go" is not fair on the older one at the very least. So that would have made me say no.

Not unreasonable in my opinion.

Apart from anything else, younger child has to learn he can't go to everything his sibling goes to.

Is it really mean spirited though?

No. The woman was really rude to ask.

Venom directed at a toddler wanting to have a bit of fun?! Surely it would’ve been more upsetting for the “toddler” (3yo) to come and have to watch everyone eating and getting a party bag and balloon and not get one himself?

twirlypoo Yes, 30 invited from the class plus other friends and three sets of cousins added up to 45 kids invited. I had 28 RSVP that they were coming- including the extra little toddler of the Mum I’d spoken to the week before. Again, a bit of notice would d swayed my decision with this other Mum- it’s not like it was a last minute emergency.

Tbh she probably shot herself in the door asking because if she had just turned up with the two of them I wouldn’t have said anything I don’t think.

You did the right thing imo.
Last year in my child's party a cf mother brought two siblings along to a soft play centre without asking
That meant I had to pay another £22 alongside an Extra £33 for 3 other people who also brought siblings. When you're paying an arm and a leg for parties anyway, to pay another huge chunk is a piss take. And they had goodie bags which meant the centre had to make another few up quickly.

Shot herself in the foot not the door!

No everyone has the option to leave other children behind.
I always make provision for siblings. I don't see why bringing her other child along makes her a CF, particularly as she asked. You could have made her life easier by accepting, without any detriment to yourself, but you chose not to.

But BanginChoons she must’ve known earlier than 45 minutes in advance of the party, and could’ve asked sooner, in which case I would’ve ensured there was a food bag made up, party bag for him and told the entertainer to make an extra balloon.

Well done OP, I am really impressed by people who don't let CF get away with that kind of nonsense.

People are so unbelievably rude and entitled nowadays, they assume that if they do ask, people don't dare saying "no".

Meh. I'd rather let a small child have a bit of fun. That's just me though

Original RSVP could’ve been: “Thanks for the invite, DS would love to come. Also, sorry to be cheeky but any chance other DS could come along as well?”

You did the right thing, I always Al's if I can bring siblings along, if church hall etc I'll say no party bag or anything for the sibling and if in playzone type place I always stay and pay for the sibling seperatly and we have food seperate from the party as well, everyone has been fine about it as they are aware that my husband works away and child care is an issue

@ballsdeep

Really, that's your own fault. All you had to do was say "sorry, this has been paid in advance per head so siblings can't come in unless you pay for them."

Everyone knows soft play parties are paid per head so they knew what they were doing and got away with it because you didn't say no.

If you don't have childcare, what you do is contact another parent and arrange for 1 adult to take 2 children, and you swap.

It's not that hard.

I must live in a different world! I’ve thrown many parties for my three DC over the years, ranging from soft play, football in village hall, laser tag, to cupcake decorating in the back garden. I’ve not once been asked if a sibling can join the party, Which is just as well, as one child alone has 7 siblings!!

On the odd occasion when it’s a soft play party, one or two siblings have been there, but their parents have paid for entrance, watched them carefully, and kept them out of the party area when food was served.

I have offered spare party bags/cake to siblings if they come at the end to collect their siblings though.

I’m staggered at how many CFs other OPs have in their DCs classes!

I’m with OP’s mother in this

"Apart from anything else, younger child has to learn he can't go to everything his sibling goes to."

Ha ha - that was my immediate reaction too, as big sister to a brother who could never accept that I was allowed anything of my own (playdates, friends, birthday parties).

I would if I had spare food and spare party bags but it's your party shrug

ButBanginChoonsshe must’ve known earlier than 45 minutes in advance of the party, and could’ve asked sooner, in which case I would’ve ensured there was a food bag made up, party bag for him and told the entertainer to make an extra balloon.

I would have let her know the situation about food/party bag/balloon and let her decide whether to bring him along.

I have often explained to my other child they cannot have a party bag as it is a party their sibling was invited to. No big deal.

Although in our school, the standard is if it's a paid per head then no siblings but it's it's the church or leisure centre hall, then siblings are always invited. Never had an invitation for those which hasn't included "siblings welcome"

Nope I wouldn’t have let him come either. Very cheeky of the mum. Siblings need to get used to the fact that they do things separately and aren’t always invited to everything. Bet she’s the sort who buys her youngest a present when it’s the eldest birthday so he doesn’t feel left out ... madness.

If it wasn’t pay per head then I would have said fine, would be for the mum to deal with the no food, party bag etc