To not allow younger sibling to birthday party with 45 mins notice?

[Riverside85]

DD’s birthday party yesterday- it was a church hall with entertainer (rather than a soft play where you pay per head), however I did take numbers into account when making food (individual food bags per child), party bags and the entertainer wanted numbers to pre-make balloon animals per child.

They’re Reception (turning 5). Whole class was invited. I saw one Mum at another party last week and as well as the 5yo she had her toddler with her. While chatting I said “Oh, would you like to bring X to DD’s party next week too?” She said “Ooh really? I didn’t like to assume but that would be lovely!” so I added the little one to the list.

Yesterday, the day of the party I get a text from another Mum 45 mins before the party start time- I was already at the hall setting up.

Text said “Hi sorry for the short notice but can my little boy X come along to the party, he won’t eat anything, he just really wants to come”. WIBU to reply “I’m really sorry but I haven’t made provision for him in the numbers and I’m already at the venue now”. She then replied “Aww no problem I’ll see if his Dad can take him out somewhere instead” so not like it was a childcare emergency and she had the two on her own.

Background: this same family brought both kids to DD’s soft play party last year without asking; the Dad brought them both in- I watched them at the door giving both names to the staff and the younger brother sat down at the table and had a meal. I didn’t say anything at the time as it was the middle of the party and I never said anything after. I have also seen the younger brother at quite a lot of other parties so think she must do this a bit.

My mum thinks I WBU and should’ve just said yes, tbh we did have spare food and a couple of extra party bags.

So WIBU?

I'd have agreed if it wasn't costing me anything!

But I don't think it's fair to just assume-there was nearly a bust up at a party where hair/make up were being done for a princess party and someone tried to get the younger sister in-they has space/time for 10 and another mum tried to shove her child in which would have bumped one of the invited guests...it got quite interesting!!

Francis, you are fucking hilarious!

The trouble with Mumsnet birthday party threads is that the birthday child always seems to be an afterthought. It usually ends up with Mumsnetters competing with each other to project a certain kind of image of themselves, whether that's "I don't take any crap, me!" or "Look at me, I'm Lady Bountiful, all the world is welcome at my my child's party!" or "I'm so liberal and open-minded, obviously I invited the kid who's been kicking my kid's head in for six months to his birthday party because not everyone has my advantages in life" .

Some kids would love a "more the merrier" birthday party. Others find birthdays stressful and like to know exactly who's going to be there and what's going to happen. My DD is a sweetheart but she struggles to relax around toddlers because she worries that the bigger kids might knock them over. One younger sibling might not make a difference, but then you don't really have a leg to stand on next time if six or seven parents turn up with last-minute younger siblings assuming you'll be cool with it.

In this instance I probably would have said no problem to bring toddler. Although probably forever labelled them as CF in my head. I don't however think you were BU to say no.

I have twins and I don't assume they are both invited to a party.

I am glad we are in an area where bringing siblings wasn’t considered to be a huge deal otherwise Dd or Ds would have missed out on lots of parties as I had no one to leave the “uninvited” child with.

We knew if one of your children was invited then the other was welcome but take along snacks as there might not be food/cake or party games.

shes a cf doesn't matter if he wants to come it's not his friends party
She's going to get a terrible reputation if she carries this on

at a paid for party i would have said no.

for a church hall (and knowing i had spare party bags etc) i would have said yes no problem, but thought them cheeky for the timing and wording.

however its your party and your expectations.

we've had parents at pay per heads TELL their other uninvited kids to "just go join in" or ask the party attendants "you've not got my sons pizza/meal". then im stuck with a £12 extra charge at the end. these are usually the same parents who "forget" the present and "will bring it into school on monday" then they avoid your playground smile for weeks.

Hall type of parties can really have a changed dynamic due to younger siblings. I particularly remember a couple of precious ones who tried to take centre stage at the parties and the parent did nothing at all.

The only time I was annoyed at not being able to bring a younger sibling was when the birthday child's parent insisted that all children have a parent that stays, and that no siblings are to come. My DH was working away and I had nobody else to look after DS2 (damned if I was paying a babysitter to look after him for a hall party!). I asked if I could either ask one of the other parents to keep an eye on DS1 or bring DS2 with me, she was utterly appalled at either option and refused to consider it. So I said that I was sorry but DS1 wouldn't be able to attend the party - she was even more pissed off at that.

I would have said fine. I think church hall parties, the expectation is that siblings can come (though it's polite to check in advance). OP has said that cousins, other toddlers etc were coming, so in this case the sibling certainly isn't going to ruin things for her DD.

Pay-per-guest parties are different.

I agree with PP though that the best way is to make it perfectly clear on the invitation if siblings are welcome or not, then everyone knows where they stand. DS's last birthday, the invitation said something like "older siblings welcome, but the activity is not really suitable for children under four, so we can't accommodate younger siblings. And please let me know in advance how many children will be coming." Thus avoiding all this angst.

Small children, I feel like everyone's in the trenches, least you can do is make life a bit easier for your fellow parents.

Up to you - but it seems you made a point for the sake of making a point - adults not suitably grovelling with a reason rather than it being a real logistical difficulty. Each to their own but I'd rather let a small child have a fun afternoon at zero inconvenience to me rather than hold a line that the parents should have come until with an earlier way to ask.

Some of the replies are barmy

The important part of any party is the birthday child. They invite who they want. The end

OP YWNBU

I would have said yes because I'm a pushover and then silently fumed DD is 5 and most parties are soft play/ bouncy castle and when younger siblings attend it's always tears because they get knocked over. Changes dynamic completely.

We had a soft play party for DD one year and I was worried about parents bringing siblings because it was cost per head but they said not to worry as they have all the names of the invited children and would charge any siblings as they had cottoned on to CF parents. Luckily my party went fine but I've been to many parties there since and have seen parents try to get siblings in 'as party guests' and then have a face like thunder when they get told their name isn't on the list and they will have to pay. Some even argue that party host 'wouldn't mind paying' .

My kids are only a year apart in age and they have never tagged along as siblings to a birthday party. I don’t know anyone who has ever done that. And parents don’t generally stay at parties either, so the excuse of not having someone to mind the uninvited child doesn’t make sense.

FrancisCrawford

Clearly a wedding isn’t the same. As a pay-per-child party isn’t the same. It’s a party in a hall where it wasn’t costing anyone any expense or issue. Why not allow children to have fun?
Obviously you’re always right

Because it’s the birthday child’s party. Why would they want some random toddlers who they don’t know there? It’s not about fun for the toddler, it’s about fun for the birthday child. My children often didn’t go to their own siblings’ parties.

You know all of you insisting that there’s no alternative could just not take the invited child to the party?

We have a parent in my DD class. Reception so lots of full class parties. She brings her other two kids and her husband who promptly all eat from the party food table. Every bloody time. She's also massively rude about it. CF

asked if I could either ask one of the other parents to keep an eye on DS1

I would have asked her. I would have just asked one of the other parents to take your child. Often I've had a car full of children going to birthday parties as we all don't need to go.

We have a parent in my DD class. Reception so lots of full class parties. She brings her other two kids and her husband who promptly all eat from the party food table. Every bloody time. She's also massively rude about it. CF

Every time? It would be one time round my way, and no more invitations.

*wouldn't have asked her

One time we had a child turn up who’d been invited but hadn’t rsvpd...it was in the days when I was inexperienced about parties and money was tight so I had only catered for those I knew were coming (pre made plates for each child). I had to cobble together an extra meal by nicking bits off everyone else’s plates. It was a nightmare as I’d given everyone an individual bog of crisps and a babybel amongst other things and had no spares...DD ended up going without some things and with her meal on a serving plate as I hadn’t even got enough plates! I always had spares for future parties!

Scrumptiousbears

The parties in the area I live there is always an adults table with adult food, cheese board, hummus crackers and pitta bread, tea and coffee as a minimum.
Sometimes whole variety of cold foods. Sandwiches, quiche, salads etc.
A few had full bars or bottles of wine and glasses on a table.

And there was always a play area for little siblings.

Dd and Ds have been going to parties since nursery years.
I can’t imagine dropping a 2 year old and not staying.

As they got older and parents organised the birthday at theme parks then parents didn’t come but otherwise parents came to all the birthday parties with siblings.

I have been to teenagers birthday parties. It is a given parents come as we all like to catch up and party.

God, how sad!

Those poor kids. There’s really no getting away from mummy and daddy, huh?!

I’ve never heard of a church hall party. You mean you hire a church hall for a children’s party? Why would you need that much space?

🤷🏻‍♀️ My sons party soon, I’ve invited siblings of two of my sons friends (who are my younger kids best friends too and older kid loves them also) and made it clear to others that due to cost no others can be accommodated.
Specially the kid in secondary school. I don’t want dynamics changed for my son.

In your shoes op I’d have probably done the same, it’s stress you don’t need at 45mins to party.

I’m also one who doesn’t expect youngest to be invited to parties my older child has been invited to. I see at as good time to see my son interacting with his friends and organise a babysitter (usually a friend) to watch younger child. I’ll do the same when younger one is invited to parties too