To not allow younger sibling to birthday party with 45 mins notice?

[Riverside85]

DD’s birthday party yesterday- it was a church hall with entertainer (rather than a soft play where you pay per head), however I did take numbers into account when making food (individual food bags per child), party bags and the entertainer wanted numbers to pre-make balloon animals per child.

They’re Reception (turning 5). Whole class was invited. I saw one Mum at another party last week and as well as the 5yo she had her toddler with her. While chatting I said “Oh, would you like to bring X to DD’s party next week too?” She said “Ooh really? I didn’t like to assume but that would be lovely!” so I added the little one to the list.

Yesterday, the day of the party I get a text from another Mum 45 mins before the party start time- I was already at the hall setting up.

Text said “Hi sorry for the short notice but can my little boy X come along to the party, he won’t eat anything, he just really wants to come”. WIBU to reply “I’m really sorry but I haven’t made provision for him in the numbers and I’m already at the venue now”. She then replied “Aww no problem I’ll see if his Dad can take him out somewhere instead” so not like it was a childcare emergency and she had the two on her own.

Background: this same family brought both kids to DD’s soft play party last year without asking; the Dad brought them both in- I watched them at the door giving both names to the staff and the younger brother sat down at the table and had a meal. I didn’t say anything at the time as it was the middle of the party and I never said anything after. I have also seen the younger brother at quite a lot of other parties so think she must do this a bit.

My mum thinks I WBU and should’ve just said yes, tbh we did have spare food and a couple of extra party bags.

So WIBU?

I’m a single parent though and if it’s my weekend I have no choice.

You do have a choice. It’s not a summons.

Of course little "whatever his name is" wants to go to the same party as his bigger sibling. The younger ones always want to do what the older are doing but part of growing up is learning that not everyone can do or have the same thing. It's also a bit unfair to the older siblings to always include the younger ones too.

So no YWNBU ...

@IvanaPee well luckily people round here are more understanding than the general MN group. It’s never been an issue. I can just imagine declining every party invite for my child due to having no one to lol after their sibling and then sending out invites for their parties. They’d be really disappointed when no one wants to come because we didn’t go to their’s. Oh and my child is the youngest in the class so the very last party of the year to happen and tricky to get people to anyway due to holidays.

Like I said. I’ve taken the sibling along to watch before now, with a book or tablet and no expectation of them joining in and being fed, but at a hall type party they always get included for food and a party bag and at a venue where it’s per head we have either paid to join in if it’s been an appropriate activity or we have watched and I’ve fed my child separately.

When they did have their summer parties last year for a selected group of kids I did say that their siblings could attend as I wanted the parents to stay (for safety reasons by the sea) and provided them with food and a party bag. The only issue I had was pass the parcel and hindsight is a wonderful thing and in future I’d either have a separate one or insist the siblings (all much older) didn’t join the game as one of them won and it wasn’t an appropriate prize for his age and I suggested he gave it to his sister and he ran off with it and it got broken.

Oh and the more recent party we attended was apparently planned around my child being able to attend as she is best fiends with the birthday girl. If we had not been able to go there would have been tears all round. Luckily this time I could drop her sister off but if my mum has been busy I’d have had to take her to either watch it pat her in.

We had a party for lb who's just turned 5 this year at soft play and have decided that we are never doing it again! Family only from now on 🤣😂

Not unreasonable but I would’ve invited them if had spares

@celticprincess it’s not about being understanding. I’m just saying it’s not true that you don’t have a choice!

@IvanaPee

I think it's clear she meant the only way to attend parties was to bring siblings. I generally think parents at least round my way like to help each other out. If bringing a sibling helps out a single mum and doesn't cause the host any trouble why not?

@IvanaPee. It’s not a choice though if your only option is to decline!!! One child invited with a strict no sibling rule for me would not be a choice if I can’t drop the sibling off somewhere. I would have to decline. A choice would be if I had another option for the sibling and o was deciding whether to use the other option or not or if the sibling was able to come and I was choosing to bring her or not. A choice has to be between 2 (or more things).

I just don’t think it’s life or death to accept a party invitation!

Round my way kids don’t refuse to come to a party just because that kid couldn’t come to theirs. That’s really weird.

It’s far better to make your apologies than to dump extra kids on the host or put them in an awkward position!

In this case wouldn't make much difference, so I wouldn't mind. However I would never ask to bring my other child. Usually if one is invited and the other is not, I always arrange something special to do with my other child.

It’s far better to make your apologies than to dump extra kids on the host or put them in an awkward position!

No it isn't! I'd much rather an extra toddler came to my large church hall party than a poor child could never come to a birthday party because their mum is a single parent - how cruel!

Given that you had food and party bags to spare not sure why you lied and said you didn’t. Seems like it would have been easy enough to accommodate him. But ultimately in these situations it is up to you. I just don’t really know why it bothered you.

In my opinion it is.

If I was the host and someone declined because they had another child, I’d offer to take invited child with me (have done this often).

In the case of close friends who’s kids I knew relatively well, I’ve said they can come.

But I think it’s unspeakably rude to bring uninvited children or try to force host into letting them attend. 🤷‍♀️

Also, sometimes there is someone to provide a couple of hours childcare. And I’m sure some parties would fall on the NRP’s days so he or she could take care of siblings.

I’m just saying “never attend a party” is a bit dramatic and probably very unusual.

Absolutely not unreasonable. I’m not sure when it became a thing to except your other kid to go to another older kids birthday party uninvited. People seem to increasingly try and pass off their kids as a package. All the Facebook posts about sister- best friends for life etc.

Teach your kids they are individuals and can’t always do what their sibling is doing. They are CF

Wouldn't bother me at all. We always have parties in a hall and we welcome everyone.
I don’t do food bags because you don’t know what kids will and won’t eat so lots of food go to waste. I’m sure the entertainer can make an extra balloon and just tell them they can’t have a party bag.

I (and everybody else I know) brings younger siblings if the venue is suitable (so not for parties like trampoline, swimming etc). They don’t get food or party bags, and if it’s softplay, parents of siblings pay the extra entrance fee. It makes life easier for everybody

The entertainer was a magician who did an hour long show. The 5 yeas olds did brilliantly sitting through it, spotting his little tricks like the coloured balls changing order inside the tube etc. The “invited toddler” (approx 18mo-2yo) sat on Mum’s knee. There was one other baby there- 7mo, the younger sister of a 4yo who is not from the class but an outside friend- both parents were there (as they’re friends of mine) and the Dad walked around the back of the hall with baby and even outside if she sqwaked. All the other children were 4 and 5 (from DD’s Reception class) or older (cousins up to age 7. They all sat on the hall floor watching the magic show. As others have said, a 3yo would have changed the dynamic. The show may not have held his attention. He may have not been able to sit for that length of time. He may have been getting up and running around when he should’ve been sitting down. Then again, he may not have, but actually as he wasn’t invited, why should I need to worry 45 minutes before the party? As others have said, it was my DD’s party, organised by me so the best time for DD with the least stress for me was my desired outcome.

Actually now I remember, last year at her 4th party a little boy who was invited screamed when the lights went out for the cake and candles and singing happy birthday. The Mum didn’t do anything so I have a video of DD sitting in front of her cake with her friends singing happy birthday with loud screaming in the background. That was an invited child at the right age. A 3yo could’ve done similar this year- spoiled the magic show, generally drawing attention to him etc. I know it’s an if but again, why should I need to be put in the awkward position of having to ask his mum to put him on her knee or take him out or whatever.

@IvanaPee my ex doesn’t have my kids on weekends as he works weekends. All parties are weekends so it’s not dramatic to think anyone is being dramatic.

I als have friends who’s ex’s don’t see their kids at all. Again, not being dramatic.

Not everyone has options.

I would never force my extra child on anyone else though. When we’ve had no option she has come with her tablet and headphones. No expectation to join in. On occasions she’s been offered to join and I would never complain if she wasn’t offered. I’d still rather the invited child didn’t miss out.

Sarahrellyboo1987 I did food bags so that when the kids inevitably didn’t each very much due to the excitement of the party, the parents could pop the bits back in the bag and take home at the end.

@Riverside85 ok, magic show goes under “ not suitable for siblings” in my book. Also, maybe around us it’s so accepted to bring siblings because parents can be trusted to remove them before they spoil things.

If parents didn’t stay at the party that would solve any issue with younger siblings. Why are parents staying at five year old’s birthday party? That’s the odd bit.

This reminds me of a party I did where a mother turned up with all 4 of her kids, only one was invited. She then sat there (she said she couldn't leave) as the other three, age range from 2 to 6, looked increasingly upset. When the food was served, each child had pre-ordered a meal, apart from the uninvited 3. They all stared glumly as the other kids ate their party food. Obviously then we felt like dicks so we managed to put together what we had leftover from all the orders so they ended up with a nice meal each. Then of course they sat saw the magic show and then they had to have spare party bags and balloons.

Kudos to the CF mum though. She often did it and with 4 kids at the village school/nursery she never had to cook tea on a Saturday ....

Why are parents staying at five year old’s birthday party? That’s the odd bit. - daisypond I think you'll find my story explains why a parent might insist on staying, with the poor uninvited sibling in tow ...!!

Oh and at the same party, I had a mum stay whose child refused to eat his meal, but rather he and his mum gathered up his meal and anything left over and packaged it all up to take home for his siblings - again, no tea for them that day. Bit sad that one though? She said "he won't eat that until his brothers and sisters have had some"! Maybe she was the one who really should have brought all her kids and sat there looking hungry !!

All parties are weekends so it’s not dramatic to think anyone is being dramatic.

What??