To not allow younger sibling to birthday party with 45 mins notice?

[Riverside85]

DD’s birthday party yesterday- it was a church hall with entertainer (rather than a soft play where you pay per head), however I did take numbers into account when making food (individual food bags per child), party bags and the entertainer wanted numbers to pre-make balloon animals per child.

They’re Reception (turning 5). Whole class was invited. I saw one Mum at another party last week and as well as the 5yo she had her toddler with her. While chatting I said “Oh, would you like to bring X to DD’s party next week too?” She said “Ooh really? I didn’t like to assume but that would be lovely!” so I added the little one to the list.

Yesterday, the day of the party I get a text from another Mum 45 mins before the party start time- I was already at the hall setting up.

Text said “Hi sorry for the short notice but can my little boy X come along to the party, he won’t eat anything, he just really wants to come”. WIBU to reply “I’m really sorry but I haven’t made provision for him in the numbers and I’m already at the venue now”. She then replied “Aww no problem I’ll see if his Dad can take him out somewhere instead” so not like it was a childcare emergency and she had the two on her own.

Background: this same family brought both kids to DD’s soft play party last year without asking; the Dad brought them both in- I watched them at the door giving both names to the staff and the younger brother sat down at the table and had a meal. I didn’t say anything at the time as it was the middle of the party and I never said anything after. I have also seen the younger brother at quite a lot of other parties so think she must do this a bit.

My mum thinks I WBU and should’ve just said yes, tbh we did have spare food and a couple of extra party bags.

So WIBU?

Same as others before me have said but if you let one you have let them all if they ask

The op didn’t allow the toddler to come to the church hall to prove a point to the mother - nothing else

Exactly

What if all 28 kids on the list brought along an older or younger sibling

but they didn't...

A 3yo toddler!! Imo I think you were a bit mean as you have already said you had spare food/party bags. Do you not think that maybe the 3yo toddler was asking why he couldn't go too? And so not just mum being a cf but a 3yo toddler being upset?

Have your kids bday party at the park...
You are embarrassing yourselves!

YANU IMO. I've taken uninvited siblings to soft play parties but fully expect to pay for their entrance and food. Unless it's exclusive use I don't see a problem?

Also taken uninvited siblings to church hall/ entertainer type places. I don't assume they will be fed but equally if it's a buffet would anyone begrudge a few sandwiches, crisps etc. There's usually loads left over.

Would never expect a party bag either. I've had siblings turn up to parties and I will happily give extras to them if I can.

I agree with PP, be generous if you can when being the host (within reason).

@riverside85 why not just say you didn’t want the extra child there. Stop making pathetic excuses?
A child crying while candles are blown out distressed you that much? Heavens above!! Have you been to counselling?
Asking a mother to take a child outside? Gosh, yeah...that’s real tongue twister.

You said no...you asked if you were being unreasonable? Well...you were being petty and pernickity.

We have this in my DD class. Before she agrees to her DD attending a party, she always asks if her DD can come too? If she actually said it was because we do t have childcare I would say yes but she always says, DD wants to come. I find it really irritating as my DD wants friends at her party not someone else’s siblings.

Sarahrellyboo1987 Of course I didn’t want the extra child there... that’s sort of the point, I’m not trying to hide that?! Why would I want him there? I don’t know him. My DD doesn’t know him. He wasn’t invited to the party.

Also taken uninvited siblings to church hall/ entertainer type places. I don't assume they will be fed but equally if it's a buffet would anyone begrudge a few sandwiches, crisps etc. There's usually loads left over.

All those threads wondering about CFers and we have one amongst us.

I would have said something on the occasion the younger child was brought and sat and had the meal!!!

This time at the church hall I would have allowed it though.

So what happens when your oldest is 4 and youngest is two, but its frowned upon to leave your 4 year old alone at a party as all other mums stay?

When every party is on a Saturday and the only childcare option you have never gets Saturdays off?

Your 4 year old just never gets to go to the party's there invited too just because they have a young sibling?!

I always take the 2 year old (believe me I wouldn't if there was any other option!) but I'd NEVER expect anybody else to look after them or feed them?

@IvanaPee

**^^All parties are weekends so it’s not dramatic to think anyone is being dramatic.

What??

I don’t get your issue with my statement. I’m saying all the parties I’ve ever been to have been at weekends. Why is that being questioned?? And due to my ex working weekends I always have both of my children. Again, is this unbelievable to you??

I once had a CF at my DS party, Soft play centre. Dad came in with young friend of said DS. He stayed 10/15 mins then asked me if he was ok to just nip out & get his hair cut, he’d be back soon. Cue father ‘nipping our and not returning until 15 minutes after the party ended, smelling of beer!! I was livid. I didn’t say anything to him at the time, nor was I the pleasant parent he left his child with. Basically he just wanted rid for a couple of hours so he could go out on the lash, cheeky t**t 😡

So what happens when your oldest is 4 and youngest is two, but its frowned upon to leave your 4 year old alone at a party as all other mums stay

Then there should the choice to ask if you can leave the child, send with another parent or decline the invite. After the first year of several uninvited guests turning up and ruining games etc we went the route of private parties and no siblings so that they could enjoy their parties with guests they had actually invited.

Never had an issue of people not coming, some dropped off some stayed.

@celticprincess I literally don’t understand that sentence. It’s not dramatic to think anyone is being dramatic? What does that mean??

@IvanaPee it’s been slightly mis typed so I will apologise for not making sense. However you wrote :I’m just saying “never attend a party” is a bit dramatic and probably very unusual. And what I meant was that all the parties we are invited to are weekends and the ex worlds every weekend so I always have two kids so it is likely and not dramatic to say that we would never attend a party based on what you’ve said about siblings and choices etc.

What DishingOutDone told (a mum whose child refused to eat his meal, and packaged it because he wouldn't eat until his brothers and sisters have had some) it's a good thing to reflect on.
We never know what really happens in children's lives. We may not like their parents, but it's not the child's fault. A bit of kindness when we can towards a child, can make a huge difference in the day of that child.

But @celticprincess you also said that your mum can help out, which was my point. That there are occasions when you have help and therefore your dc doesn’t have to miss every single party.

I always had extra gift bags bc small children drop things, lose things etc.. plus, if I purchased things in bulk, there were usually extra pieces.

Who has a cake for the exact number at a party?

My dc are 21 mos apart and often attended each other's parties, sometimes with a friend.

We never had babysitters so our parties always had our other dc.

As long as the sibling of the guest had a parent with them, I was happy to include them. The more the merrier and I may not have had a complete party bag for them, but usually had something to give "gate crashers."

I usually had the rule for number of guests: age plus 1 except if i invited the entire class.

Truly. I think that a party is supposed to be fun and if you have a child who joins in the fun, why is it trouble?

HOWEVER. I did have one child who needed one on one supervision. I didn't know this, the parents didn't tell me, of course my kindhearted dd didn't bother to tell me her friend was autistic.

THAT was an awful party. She insulted my son, required constant supervision and disrupted the entire event which was an onsite crafting party.

Her parents didn't bother to apologize or warn me or give me a phone number. My first clue was when she dived under the table.

She wasn't a baby gatecrasher, she was an invited guest.

I think the CF parents look at it the wrong way Free Childcare and project that on to their children, the feeling of injustice when there isn't any

My three love it when one of them has a party invite, no I don't try to get them included , it means one on one time. One has the party, one has my DM & DF to themselves and one has me on their own. They spend enough time together, so it's nice to have that time alone with them and that way of thinking/doing it means everyone enjoys themselves and nobody feels left out.

DM & DF usually do something with them like going to the park with a picnic, feed the ducks, go to McDonald's, bake etc. The DC with me gets to choose, within reason, what they want to do, it might be going to the cinema, going to softplay hell , getting our nails done and going for hot chocolate, going to the beach, going swimming etc.

I've learned a lot from having them alone from the choices they make and what they talk to me about when I haven't got 2 others trying to get my attention, and I feel closer to each of them for having this time alone with them and so do my parents

I think you did the right thing.
Where I am it is usual to state ‘siblings welcome’ on invites when they are and to let people know.
Otherwise you need to factor in childcare when you reply yes. If, for whatever reason, you need to bring you get siblings you need to ask well before 45 mins of the party starting!

@IvanaPee. I also said in general and not about just me that there are some single parents who don’t have help like my mum ant therefore would be in the same position and so it’s not dramatic to say what I said.

Surely if you have more than one child you realise both can’t go to everything though. You have a choice, arrange other childcare, arrange for another parent to take the invited child to the party,don’t go.

A 5 year olds party with 2year olds running round getting in the way alters the dynamic. If it’s in soft play, the parent pays for the extra kid and doesn’t expect the party group to cart the young one around fine.

But all to often you suddenly end up with a two year old joining in the party games, not understanding the rules, crying cos they didn’t win/got knocked over/ no one plays their games etc. It’s just pure CF

Maybe they didn't understand the etiquette last year at the soft play. These things are not always clear to the uninitiated! At least this year, they bothered to ask. Of course you were entitled to say no, it's your party, but you know they'll probably now be slagging you off for being mean? Hope you didn't want to be best friends with them...