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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to rectify my massive fuck up?

171 replies

Fuckinghelpme · 04/05/2019 20:19

Long story short, I have depression and anxiety and I really don't like socialising too much, especially in big groups. I meet a friend for coffee once a week but that's really my limit.

Yesterday, one of my friends messages me about a big group meet up (mostly people I know but some not, there would be 9 or 10 people there) I really wouldn't be comfortable with that many people at once, especically as I don't know them all.

So I reply that I'd love to, yada yada but unfortunately I'm busy that day. I don't really talk to my friends about my mental health so couldn't have used that as an excuse

Until I realise 3 hours that she didn't specify a date!!!! She was just seeing if I was up for it at some point!
Fuck fuck fuck....

The message was on whatsapp and it has blue ticks so I know she read it, shes my closest friend and I don't want to lose her friendship! Im such a horrible person i know but please help

OP posts:
SoyDora · 04/05/2019 20:22

If she’s your closest friend then I’d be inclined to tell her the truth (or as much of the truth as you’re comfortable with).

Sparklingbrook · 04/05/2019 20:22

If she is your closest friend just explain what you have said here. Surely she would understand?

Say you panicked.

Gazelda · 04/05/2019 20:22

Might now be a great time to pick up the phone and tell her all that you've posted? She'll respect your honesty and won't think badly of you.

Minniemousejammies · 04/05/2019 20:23

Oh no!! Definitely honesty here.

bridgetreilly · 04/05/2019 20:23

Just ring her and explain.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 04/05/2019 20:23

Either phone her and come clean or fake another message thread you meant that message for 'sorry, I thought I was texting mum about going to Sainsbury's'. If you do the latter you'll probably have to go to the event.

IDontMindAnythingWillDo · 04/05/2019 20:24

Just message back and say, “sorry I skim
read your message and for some reason thought you’d put X date! When were you thinking of getting together?” And then, when she says a date, either make another excuse or message her one to one and be honest with her.

Farmerswifey12 · 04/05/2019 20:24

I agree if she is your closest friend to just be honest with her.

Only other option i can see is to say another friend messaged you roughly same time and you got your responses mixed up, but she might not buy that.

EBearhug · 04/05/2019 20:25

Just say you got confused and could have sworn it said Friday, must be mixing it up with another invitation.

Dealing with mental health can be easier if others have an awareness. How bad would it be if you said you struggled with groups? You might be surprised at how many understand.

pink412 · 04/05/2019 20:27

I have similar problem with people and meetings them. So would try and explain to your friend if she’s a real friend they will understand. Maybe suggest a smaller group at first to see how it goes

Expressedways · 04/05/2019 20:27

I think you need to call her and explain about your anxiety. If she’s a good friend she will understand.
Or say you sent it to the wrong person and you were telling another friend you can’t meet for coffee next week or something. Although that means you’ll probably have to go to the group meet up.

BrutusMcDogface · 04/05/2019 20:30

I agree- be honest. If she’s a good friend she’ll understand, anc appreciate the honesty.

💐 💐 💐

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 04/05/2019 20:30

Another saying that if she's your closest friend you should tell her. It reduces the risk of offence being taken when you decline invitations or possibly have to cancel an arrangement when you're not up to it.

w0man · 04/05/2019 20:32

I'm exactly the same and sometimes that once a week coffee is too much. My friend knows my issues and totally understands, she'll invite me to her get togethers so that I don't feel left out but she understands and I no longer have anxiety around coming with an excuse to say no and feeling shitty for lying to her.

She sounds like a very good friend she will understand.

Ohyesiam · 04/05/2019 20:33

I really get you.
There’s nothing wrong the truth here. You can show a little bit of who you are to your friend. Tell her you panicked at the thought of a big meet up. She’s your friend and she’ll be glad to k ow and understand you a little better.
Sorry you suffer like this op.

DeftandGlory · 04/05/2019 20:33

Do you actually not like groups or just in this situations. Do you feel you should like them?
The reason I ask is because I don’t mind a big group although I have to adjust to the expectation of a blander style of chat.
A bigger group means you have to listen ,ore than talk.Not sure why that would add to anxiety’? What is is you specifically don’t like.?

adviceneedesprettyplease · 04/05/2019 20:35

I'd just make out you where tired when you read it and thought she mentioned a date 😂

Missingstreetlife · 04/05/2019 20:40

Make a joke of it, but say you would love to see her (& any others if you would) but such a large group makes you anxious.

OrdinaryGirl · 04/05/2019 20:43

If you care about the friendship at all, honesty is the only way here.

OrdinaryGirl · 04/05/2019 20:45

Also, it's an opportunity. It could well turn out to be serendipitous to be brave and reveal that vulnerability a bit. It might bring so much light and healing into the dark places.

Original poster
Fuckinghelpme · 04/05/2019 20:45

I'm so scared to tell her. Im scared she'll judge me, or hate me, or that she won't understand, its not even the fact that I dont want to go its the fact that i lied about it

OP posts:
SweetPetrichor · 04/05/2019 20:46

Tell her the truth. You just limit yourself and do yourself a disservice when you lie. I'm saying this as someone who has now embraced being openly honest about what I can and can't do because of anxiety. It's liberating to stop dodging stuff with lies!

AnnieMay100 · 04/05/2019 20:47

Accidental reply to her when it was meant for someone else? I agree with others that you should be honest though, she may surprise you with help and support don’t keep it to yourself when you don’t have to

MrsMaow · 04/05/2019 20:48

I think you should message her separately saying you have a confession and you’re sorry and link to this thread

Sangria · 04/05/2019 20:49

You are not a horrible person.

But she is your closest friend and I think you need to grasp the nettle and explain, maybe something along the lines that you realise that you need (and want) to build on the social contact that you have, but find it a bit daunting. Is this a different friend from the one you have coffee with every week?