Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to rectify my massive fuck up?

171 replies

Fuckinghelpme · 04/05/2019 20:19

Long story short, I have depression and anxiety and I really don't like socialising too much, especially in big groups. I meet a friend for coffee once a week but that's really my limit.

Yesterday, one of my friends messages me about a big group meet up (mostly people I know but some not, there would be 9 or 10 people there) I really wouldn't be comfortable with that many people at once, especically as I don't know them all.

So I reply that I'd love to, yada yada but unfortunately I'm busy that day. I don't really talk to my friends about my mental health so couldn't have used that as an excuse

Until I realise 3 hours that she didn't specify a date!!!! She was just seeing if I was up for it at some point!
Fuck fuck fuck....

The message was on whatsapp and it has blue ticks so I know she read it, shes my closest friend and I don't want to lose her friendship! Im such a horrible person i know but please help

OP posts:
nuxe1984 · 05/05/2019 18:01

I'm with those that say tell her. If she's your closets friend then she may already have an idea. If not then she'll (hopefully) want to support you. If you don't feel you can tell her face to face then send an email or message.

Serialweightwatcher · 05/05/2019 18:04

All my friends and acquaintances know about my anxiety because I can't hide it well to be honest and very rarely take anyone up on any offer of a trip out - just tell them - if they don't understand, they're not worth bothering with I don't think

nannygoat50 · 05/05/2019 18:22

If she’s your best friend I’m surprised you haven’t confided in her before. Ring her and tell her the true reason

LuluJakey1 · 05/05/2019 18:38

I suffer depression and anxiety and when it is bad I can not manage social events other than meeting a close friend for coffee or a walk. I would email her again and say, 'Thanks for the reply. It has been a difficult time and I try my best to manage it day to day and not put myself in situations that make my anxiety levels rise. I haven't been able to talk about it at all. You are the first person I have told. I will explain more next time the two of us meet up. Enjoy the group meeting- hope it goes well. I just can't manage that kind of thing at the moment'. And leave it at that. Let her get back to you- if she is a good friend she will.

GabsAlot · 05/05/2019 18:52

hope u feel better? she doesnt get it does she its not a cold

i know its hard to understand i really do but u dont say to someone with anxiety i hope u feel better soon

JanieClay · 05/05/2019 19:00

It's your anxiety making this appear awful.

You're not a bad person for not enjoying these events - many of us feel the same.

Try to be kinder to yourself by saying ''No'' more often. It's wonderfully empowering and the anxiety of saying no is considerably less than the anxiety of saying yes, then having to be at the venue.

Atalune · 05/05/2019 19:04

Wow she’s cold! But texts are horrible and you cannot read tone. So don’t even try to!

I would definitely call her..... and have a frank conversation and open up a bit. I’m sure she’ll be more emotionally available in person.

Also- so you say she’s the one you know everyone through....change that. Meet one person and go from there. Don’t let her be the gate keeper.

bubblegumunicorn · 05/05/2019 19:04

Just read her reply that seams a bit dismissive hope you’re okay anxiety is a horrible thing to have as everything you do you over analyse I hope she does understand the situation though and you can still meet up one on one

neveradullmoment99 · 05/05/2019 19:17

mm...she sounds a bit mean and unsympathetic. Is she really your friend?
I agree, just say to meet up for a coffee to explain.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/05/2019 19:28

Are you ok? Flowers

ShowMeTheKittens · 05/05/2019 19:52

I would say sorry I just read a date from another friend, wrong reply.

Catsinthecupboard · 05/05/2019 20:05

I have a chronic illness. I had to cancel with a new friend. She was cruel.

The end. I was hurt but i can't be sorry now. You can't live for others if you're sick.

Just do the best you can.

Best wishesFlowers

justasking111 · 05/05/2019 20:30

Having been in your shoes I would come clean. Anxiety is more common than you think. I have clocked it in others having suffered myself asked them if that is the case and helped them out at social events. A book I read that helped me you might like to read.

www.amazon.co.uk/Feel-Fear-Anyway-Indecision-Confidence/dp/0091907071/ref=sr_1_1?s=gateway&crid=23W96HSUWZU7N&keywords=feel+the+fear+and+do+it+anyway&sprefix=feel+%2Caps%2C153&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1557084558&sr=8-1

OwlBeThere · 05/05/2019 20:48

@woodcutbird.............its not 'careless' rejection. if anything the issue with anxiety is caring too much. thats a really daft thing to say. yes, it does mean you have less friends as the ones who can't or won't understand drift away, but thats not the OP's or any other person with anxieties fault. would you blame someone who coudln't get out much due to cancer if people walked away? this is no different.

OP, your friend sounds a bit cold!

Turnitaroundagain · 05/05/2019 21:00

Yes just be honest with your bestie that you don’t like big groups. It’s nothing to be ashamed of and does not make you a bad person. Don’t worry about this own it and recognise what is good about you.

AccioUsername · 05/05/2019 22:14

Tell her it's not that you don't want to go, you really do, but your anxiety is worse in big groups so you can't.
I am like you, I really don't like big groups, especially when I don't know some people. For me it helps to have somebody I can glue myself to who won't leave my side, do you think if you explained to her she might do that for you? Even if you just go for an hour or something? I hope the friendship is saved

Lovely13 · 05/05/2019 23:02

If a close friend did the same to me, I’d be happy if they admitted why. I’d also be mortified that I hadn’t noticed or they hadn’t confided in me earlier about their anxiety. She’s your friend. She will support you. It’s what friends do. And if they don’t, they’re not much of a friend.

GirlcalledJack · 05/05/2019 23:05

Ok you need to tell her more than you have if you want to keep this friendship.

You need to clearly tell her you have been suffering from an anxiety disorder and are starting medication, that you struggle with large groups as it's one of your triggers, that you didn't want to make a massive deal out of it as you didn't want to make anyone else feel awkward and you didn't want it to define you, that you're sorry you didn't tell the complete truth about not going but didn't want to make it a big deal, that you value her friendship and would like to meet for a coffee so you can explain a little better what's going on with you.

You need to man up and text her back without minimising and lay it all out.

Then make a plan to try and get some new friends that don't have anything to do with this person. It's good to not have all of your friends through one person.

Badouchka1 · 05/05/2019 23:10

I can relate to this MASSIVELY!
Definitely tell the truth. Good friends will understand, the saying ‘those that mind don’t matter and those that matter don’t mind’ has become a bit of a mantra for me, that said, I sometimes push myself out of my comfort zone for such situations and find I enjoy the evening/event etc... I think the thought of going out can be more scary than actually going out sometimes.

Singletomingle · 05/05/2019 23:14

This maybe a huge step however one of the best ways to help certainly with anxiety is to challenge it. Talk to your friend in terms of depression and anxiety a problem shared really is a problem halved. Also consider actually going along it really wont be as bad as you think and just by turning up you will feel good about yourself.

SofiaAmes · 05/05/2019 23:46

I'm not sure she's such a good friend. A good friend would realize that you suffer from depression and would keep inviting you to events to make you feel included, but wouldn't expect you to say yes.

And I'm really glad to hear that you're trying a new anti-depressant. I have many friends who have severe depression (my own ds is bipolar) and all had to go through many many medications before finding the right one. And as they aged they found that they had to make switches too. A good friend would have enquired if you were getting help for your depression, maybe given you some referrals if they had any knowledge in that area and then not nagged you about it or made you feel bad for not participating in something that you couldn't participate in because of your mental health (an illness, not a choice).

pictish · 06/05/2019 06:51

I think that’s unfair sofia.

Not everyone knows what to do or say when faced with another’s issues. If it’s something you have no knowledge or experience of, giving exactly the right response will be difficult. How severe is OP’s anxiety, how consistent? Is this a long term issue or something expected to improve?
When someone says they can’t handle group gatherings, how does someone with no experience of anxiety know to keep inviting anyway? Or do the invites just exacerbate the issue? Or what?
Do they shrug off being lied to because of the anxiety or are they allowed to feel annoyed about it?

You can’t just say she’s a crap friend because she hasn’t yet responded in the specific way you have decreed she should. She may well know nothing about any of it. And she was lied to.
Be realistic.

Sparklybanana · 06/05/2019 07:16

I’m not sure you explained yourself to her as well as you did to us. If you tell it’s crippling and you’re getting medical help for it, she might be more sympathetic

Ihatehashtags · 06/05/2019 08:22

One word.... flaky!!! I’d ditch you if I’m honest.

SofiaAmes · 06/05/2019 08:29

pictish I am being realistic. I think she's a crap friend for the OP as she's not meeting her needs. I really don't believe that in this day and age there is any reason to remain ignorant about the symptoms of mental health. In 5 minutes on the internet you can find 25 ways to recognize and understand anxiety or depression, enough to show compassion to a friend. Or to at least ask questions instead of throwing judgement.