To ask how to rectify my massive fuck up?

[Fuckinghelpme]

Long story short, I have depression and anxiety and I really don't like socialising too much, especially in big groups. I meet a friend for coffee once a week but that's really my limit.

Yesterday, one of my friends messages me about a big group meet up (mostly people I know but some not, there would be 9 or 10 people there) I really wouldn't be comfortable with that many people at once, especically as I don't know them all.

So I reply that I'd love to, yada yada but unfortunately I'm busy that day. I don't really talk to my friends about my mental health so couldn't have used that as an excuse

Until I realise 3 hours that she didn't specify a date!!!! She was just seeing if I was up for it at some point!
Fuck fuck fuck....

The message was on whatsapp and it has blue ticks so I know she read it, shes my closest friend and I don't want to lose her friendship! Im such a horrible person i know but please help

I agree with others, this is a very good opportunity to tell her how anxiety affects you. If she’s a good friend then she will be sad for you but it might also answer some questions to her because this has probably happened before, she has possibly already picked up that you are often anxious. I also think that when you have told her, it will be a relief to you as well. Good luck and hope you feel strong enough to tell her.

One word.... flaky!!! I’d ditch you if I’m honest.

I don’t think you understand what flaky means

Flaky is different from depression and anxiety and a good fried would be sympathetic to the difference.

Anxiety is such a lying bitch OP. I'm glad you were honest with your friend, a true friend will understand and try harder to accomodate you. Give your friend a little time for your message to sink in, I'd then suggest what a previous poster said about asking for a face to face meet up to explain further and tell them you've never told anyone else before. Your friend doesn't get it now, but that doesn't mean they never will.

Flaky, indeed You sound nasty.

OP, I agree with all the advice here - Have you heard back from her? How are you holding up?

Update: Last night I messaged her again, I apologised again and basically said that it's not that I don't want to, it's that I physically can't due to my mental health issues at the moment. I mentioned that I've started medication also. I then said that I'd love for us to remain friends and invited her out for a coffee (just us) i suggested a couple days next week.

Guess what she fucking replies?
'Sorry, I'm really busy then' (Incidentally the SAME exact wording as I used in my initial excuse message so I know it's intentional.)

I feel like fucking crying tbh, i don't even get why she's being so horrible, I thought she was my closest friend but she isn't really acting like it

Sorry OP but she sounds like a nasty fucking bitch tbh. Who does that.

Perhaps ihatehashtags is secretly your supposed friend

I’m sorry you’ve found out that she’s not the person you thought she was.

That’s really hard.

Have a big cry and try and move on. She’s nasty.

Has it occurred to you that she may already realise that there is a problem and be a little disappointed that you have not shared it?

I think the way she's behaving is very immature. Fwiw, my closest friend suffers with anxiety. It's meant a few times, when she's having a bit of a flare up, she couldn't attend events such as my birthday as it would be a group of people she wouldn't know. While I'm obviously disappointed that she can't attend, as she's the most fun person I know, I understand it's just not possible sometimes.

She's showing a shocking lack of awareness about mental illness. Hopefully, when she gets over her disappointment, she'll be at bit more understanding.

Thanks everyone for the support
I honestly feel like I'm fifteen again, the bitchiness of it all though!

And now I've just found out from a mutual friend (who I know through her) that she's removed me from her prvate instagram and posted a nasty vaguebooking thing about fake friends and apparently she 'can't believe people would let her down like that'. She has had multiple comments of the 'awh hunny' variety as I have seen screenshots.

However I can't call her out on this because friend who sent me screenshots made me promise not to tell her that she sent them as then she might not want to be friends with her if she's seen to be 'on my side'

I have also been removed from both group chats I was in with her and these friends.

I'm almost 25 and I feel like I'm back in high school again!
I'm really upset to have found out like this and I ended up crying on my partner's shoulder this morning but I'm going to try to get through it I think.

She sounds like a massive dick!!!!

I'm sorry that she has behaved this way, at least you have seen her true colours now.

Please don't let this put you off being honest with other people, I can promise that it's only proper bitches that have this sort of reaction to being told their friend is struggling with anxiety.

Sending un-mumsnetty hugs your way xx

It would be best to give your friend some space, OP. Who know what may happen in the future. If you are hurt at the words she is using and she's just reflecting your own words back to you, bear in mind that she's probably hurt too.

I think your friend is the unreasonable one. I have Anxiety but dont talk about it I would prefer to meet up with 1 friend than a big group I am very awkward and uncomfortable I am shy and nervous and don't do well in social situations. I'm sorry your friend wasn't more understanding.

She is not really a good friend to you.
Steer clear of her.

If your ‘mutual friend’ is sharing messages & screen shots, & asks you not to reveal her as the source due to fear of ostracism, then better you have this woman’s measure now.

Maybe in time, you & mutual friend can have a coffee & share something positive away from the Wicked Witch.

Just like the playground, there are others kids to play with.

Be kind to yourself.

She’s obviously hurt but being totally immature and clearly she doesn’t understand mental health.

I don’t think this friendship was particularly healthy for you anyway though as she has shown by her strop. You need level headed, zero drama friendships.

Move on, keep in touch with your other friends and be truthful in future that you’d love to see them 1:1/small group but will be too overwhelmed by larger groups to go.

Wow!

I know it doesn't feel like it right now but you are lucky to have seen her true colours!

She is a nasty queen bee bitch and you are well rid!

The other friends sounds just as bad and honestly pretty pathetic.

Please ditch them all and find some new friends these people are not worth your time.

I'd tell her that judging by her reactions, you're clearly better without her and she's obviously not the friend or person you thought she was

I don't think people who don't have crippling anxiety understand how crippling it is. FWIW I think with me it's caused by grief I haven't dealt with. I don't know if that is helpful to you.

She doesn't sound like much of friend but the other friend does! Unless she's really, really hurt, and thinks your anxiety is just an excuse.

How horrid for you. This isn’t about you. It’s about her and her immaturity and insecurities. I hope you’re getting lots of support from your partner.

Seems to me that as someone who suffers from anxiety, you have two options:

1. try to hide it so as to be “acceptable” to as wide a group of people as possible. This will be incredibly energy-sapping, involve you in lot of lying, and because there will still be occasions when you can’t manage a group, there will be some of those people who secretly judge you as ‘flaky’ or unreliable.

2. be honest. That way, you will filter out the immature, compassionless, unaware people. But the ones left behind will be gems, worthy of being your friends.

It's her problem not yours I had something similar a few years back I had a secret abortion when at uni and no one knew apart from my (now) DH but it meant I didn't want to go out for one week and all hell broke loose, it was one guy who turned really nasty said I was stealing his best friend from him and turned all of my friends against us! It was horrendous at the time but 6 years on I realised that those people aren't and never were true friends for turning their backs on me with out knowing why or what was going on that was the start of my anxiety and it took a long time to "get over it" but honestly OP this "woman" isn't a true friend she clearly has issues and it is 100% her problem not yours hold on to that!

She sounds toxic. We've all had them.in our life at some point OP. Just remember, nobody 'loses' friends, you just find out who your really ones are.
Hope you're okay

OP,

She is a bitch. Even if you didn't want to meet with the big group because of other reasons her behaviour is disgusting.

Does your friend know the reason why you and the bitch friend have broken up? I think you should tell her so she can tell the other girls as well.