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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to rectify my massive fuck up?

171 replies

Fuckinghelpme · 04/05/2019 20:19

Long story short, I have depression and anxiety and I really don't like socialising too much, especially in big groups. I meet a friend for coffee once a week but that's really my limit.

Yesterday, one of my friends messages me about a big group meet up (mostly people I know but some not, there would be 9 or 10 people there) I really wouldn't be comfortable with that many people at once, especically as I don't know them all.

So I reply that I'd love to, yada yada but unfortunately I'm busy that day. I don't really talk to my friends about my mental health so couldn't have used that as an excuse

Until I realise 3 hours that she didn't specify a date!!!! She was just seeing if I was up for it at some point!
Fuck fuck fuck....

The message was on whatsapp and it has blue ticks so I know she read it, shes my closest friend and I don't want to lose her friendship! Im such a horrible person i know but please help

OP posts:
AnotherExWife · 04/05/2019 20:49

Reply with the link to this thread. She's your friend, I'm sure she'll understand Flowers

Dippypippy1980 · 04/05/2019 20:51

Please tell her. I have a close friend who has issues in social settings - we meet for a walk every week, I always invite her to other events, she normally laughs and says no way but very occasionally she puts in a brief appearance, she is the bravest person I know.

Your friend will not judge you, it will just explain a lot of things. It’s really common. I recently went on a management course with senior female managers. Three, out of a group of 15, have regularly hidden in the toilets to avoid having to male small talk in a social setting.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 04/05/2019 20:51

Say, “I’ve just read your message again and realised you hadn’t put a date. For some reason I had assumed it would be on x date (no idea where I got that from!). So sorry! When were you thinking of?”

But ideally you should explain. One of the worst things about anxiety is that it tells us our loved ones don’t want to know we are struggling. If she’s a good friend I would admit that you saw the invitation and panicked, that you’ve been struggling with anxiety and that the idea of a group event terrified you.

I hope you can find a way to reach out

MakeItRain · 04/05/2019 20:55

Just say you're so sorry you've been feeling down and anxious and panicked at the thought of a big meet up. Say you thought it would be easier just to say you were busy but you've realised she didn't even mention a date so you wanted to explain your reply. Say you hope she understands and that perhaps you could meet just the 2 of you at some point.

Anxiety and depression is so much more common than you realise. Most people will either have gone through similar or know someone who has.

There's no shame in experiencing it or in giving an excuse in the circumstances you describe. You might even find opening up about it helps to alleviate it a bit.

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 04/05/2019 20:56

You've said she's your closest friend. You know her and you wouldn't be friends with her if she was judgmental or "hated" somebody because they had MH problems, would you? Of course you wouldn't!

Honestly Op it's the anxiety that's making you build this up in your head as something huge. It's not. Lots of people suffer from anxiety and in my experience confiding in people you trust actually helps because a) you don't then have to tie yourself up in knots worrying about offending them and b) they won't wonder if they've upset you when you're not up to spending time with them.

MajesticWhine · 04/05/2019 20:57

She won't judge you or hate you if she is a decent person. I really think that people are more accepting now about mental health. You just need to explain and be open. Sometimes that is the only way out of a situation.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 04/05/2019 20:59

Explain by text message. You may find the depression and anxiety does not come add news to her. Tell her that you panicked at her message and lied not because you don't want to celebrate her birthday with her but because you can't cope with lots of people, so could you take her out for lunch so you could celebrate together.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 04/05/2019 21:00

Actually I agree with a link to this thread.

seven201 · 04/05/2019 21:03

Time to tell your friend. Please don't feel embarrassed. You wouldn't feel embarrassed if you had a broken arm so why should you about your mental health?

bringincrazyback · 04/05/2019 21:08

You're not horrible! I suffer from depression too and I'm the same about meeting up in groups. I agree with those who've been saying best thing would be to tell your friend - if she's a real friend I think she'd want to know this about you, and she'll want to lend her support.

bourbonbiccy · 04/05/2019 21:09

Take this opportunity to open up to your friend. In the nicest possibly way, I think you may need to give her more credit, I'm sure, if she is your best friend, once you have explained she will totally understand.

It may be the best thing in the long run, you can be truly honest with her going forward.

seasidelife · 04/05/2019 21:11

It can be such a huge relief when you tell someone what is really going on, I have so much less anxiety when I am more open about how I am really feeling and I've never had a bad response, obviously it's not my opening statement when I first meet someone new but a good friend should be supportive, wouldn't you want to know if it was the other way round?

blue55 · 04/05/2019 21:12

Just be honest.
It'll help.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 04/05/2019 21:14

Please tell her.

OP I live with GAD and its horrible. Sometimes I can do things, sometimes I can't. I concealed it for years but have in the last 12 months started being very frank about it. It is so liberating. I have been met with nothing but compassion, sympathy and understanding.

CheshireChat · 04/05/2019 21:14

You don't actually have to say you're depressed or suffer with anxiety, just say you read it's in a big group and panicked.

supersop60 · 04/05/2019 21:15

Tell her. If she's your friend she won't judge or be cross.

crispsforsupper · 04/05/2019 21:16

I have a friend exactly like you in this way. We had been friends quite a while (can't remember how long, irrelevant really). I honesty don't give two hoots at all - I really like her company and we are great friends. I understand that I can only see her one to one and as such she won't come to my birthday get togethers or other social things. We usually phrase my messages about larger things along the lines of, I know you probably won't want to come, but here's the text I'm sending out to my friends about my birthday and of course I'd love it if you were there. But totes no worries if not, completely understand. Coffee soon?

If she doesn't understand and accept you for who you are - is there any point being friends and heck, how bloody exhausting to have to continue hiding from her who you really are.

Good chance for you to weed her out if she can't cope with it (which I would be really surprised if she couldn't - how odd would that be).

Flowers
woodcutbirds · 04/05/2019 21:18

Just tell her. Explain that you really enjoy her company but you have acute social anxiety and big meet ups are not for you. You didn't mean to be rude and you never mean to sound like you can't be bothered, but that level of socialising is just not something you do. If she is a kind person, she'll understand this far better than if you leave her thinking you were trying to brush her off, which could be really hurtful to her.

crispsforsupper · 04/05/2019 21:19

I usually, not we!

Oh and just say what you told us here (' I have depression and anxiety and I really don't like socialising too much, especially in big groups. I meet a friend for coffee once a week but that's really my limit.'). Really no big deal. Own it - this is who I am, so yeah, anyway, more tea?

Userplusnumbers · 04/05/2019 21:24

Like others have mentioned OP - anxiety is a horrible beast that tells you your lived one's don't want to know.

An alternative view though is, when you start to catstrophise like this, you're already living your worst case scenario - so explaining it to you friend can't actually make you feel any worse, because you're already feeling that - on the other hand, there's a possibility she won't react in your worst case way, so you will actually feel better. It's a situation where really, you have nothing to lose.

Springwalk · 04/05/2019 21:24

Tell her the truth. She will want to know, and you will never be in this position again of having to lie or make excuse

cheeserolls · 04/05/2019 21:26

Tell the truth but do not link to the thread. What a bloody daft idea !!

KnittingSister · 04/05/2019 21:27

Don't try and fix a lie with another lie. A good friend will understand the truth if you apologise as well. Good luck.

ASundayWellSpent · 04/05/2019 21:27

If I were your friend I wouldn't judge or hate you. I would literally be like "do you want me to keep inviting you to group meets incase you ever fancy it, or shall we keep it 1 on 1?" No judgement. No weirdness at all

MyOtherProfile · 04/05/2019 21:29

As others have already said, tell your friend the truth.