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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to rectify my massive fuck up?

171 replies

Fuckinghelpme · 04/05/2019 20:19

Long story short, I have depression and anxiety and I really don't like socialising too much, especially in big groups. I meet a friend for coffee once a week but that's really my limit.

Yesterday, one of my friends messages me about a big group meet up (mostly people I know but some not, there would be 9 or 10 people there) I really wouldn't be comfortable with that many people at once, especically as I don't know them all.

So I reply that I'd love to, yada yada but unfortunately I'm busy that day. I don't really talk to my friends about my mental health so couldn't have used that as an excuse

Until I realise 3 hours that she didn't specify a date!!!! She was just seeing if I was up for it at some point!
Fuck fuck fuck....

The message was on whatsapp and it has blue ticks so I know she read it, shes my closest friend and I don't want to lose her friendship! Im such a horrible person i know but please help

OP posts:
PeonyRose80 · 04/05/2019 22:37

This is really brave of you to be this honest. I say this as tomorrow afternoon I am meeting one of my favourite people, my maid of
honour, who I have not seen in about 2 years as anxiety and then embarrassment has kept me away. I know exactly how you feel 💐

TanyaChix · 04/05/2019 22:48

You haven’t done anything terrible here. You told a little white lie to protect your own mental health and made a mistake doing so. You then tried to put it right and be honest. Your anxiety is nothing to feel so ashamed of and a good friend will understand and support you. If she has a huff it says far more about her than you.

ASauvignonADay · 04/05/2019 22:57

@Fuckinghelpme you've done nothing wrong. Keep reminding yourself of that. I totally get how you feel but you've not done anything wrong, and you've explained why which is honest and redeeming.

pictish · 04/05/2019 23:09

Oh gosh. I hope she’s understanding. Poor you.

Saracen · 05/05/2019 07:00

Wait patiently. She's thinking of something nice and supportive to say.

I need to stop wasting time on MN and write the overdue email to my friend to sympathise with a difficult diagnosis she has just had. I am procrastinating because I want to say the perfect thing but I don't know what to say.

Original poster
Fuckinghelpme · 05/05/2019 09:00

Got a reply at 11:23 last night.
'Am a bit dissapointed you couldn't have just told me you didn't want to go, thought we we were better friends than that but anyways, will leave you out of future planning for this event. hope you feel better soon'

In my second message to her I also suggested a coffee sometime and she hasnt mentioned that I knew this would happen.....

Thank you for all the support it honestly means a lot

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuckinghelpme · 05/05/2019 09:02

All of my other friends are really through this girl so if i lose her or she bitches about me at this event I'll have no one

OP posts:
SconNotScone · 05/05/2019 09:07

I would just message again and say “i’m really sorry, I have been struggling with how to open up with friends more about how i’ve been feeling, it’s been a difficult conversation to broach. At least this has forced me to open up a bit! I really hope you understand. I still want to meet up and do things with my close friends, and i’m working on my ability to manage bigger groups! x”

I don’t think she hates you, I can understand why she says she feels disappointed, she probably feels bad that she hasn’t been able to support you with this (not her fault, or yours for that matter, just how it is!).

woodcutbirds · 05/05/2019 10:16

All of my other friends are really through this girl so if i lose her or she bitches about me at this event I'll have no one

To be fair, you can't have it both ways. You can't carelessly reject people's overtures of friendship and then fret that they might not stay friends with you. I do understand the need to back down often, but if we do that, we must accept that the upshot of this is far fewer friends, if any.

MyOtherProfile · 05/05/2019 11:08

Message her back and say you find it really hard to talk about your social anxiety but would really appreciate the chance to meet for coffee and to explain a bit more. Tell her you really value her friendship but just have never really talked to anyone about this.

Dippypippy1980 · 05/05/2019 11:19

I am sorry your friend wasn’t more sensitive in her handling of this situation. Understanding of mental health issues is increasing - but maybe you need to be less subtle with this lady.

Can I ask what age she is? Perhaps she isn’t mature enough to really understand what you are experiencing - or is from a generation here some mental health issues were poo poo’ed.

Not that I want to make sweeping statements - I just know may parents are quite dismissive of any mental health issues and show a clear lack of understanding while my nephew totally gets it.

limpbizkit · 05/05/2019 11:34

Oh god... Do not link to this thread! It's dramatic and far fetched to do that. Call her and just tell her with without waffling and over explaining that larger social gatherings make you a bit nervous. Say you really appreciate the fact she asks you and you're not ruling it out another time. You don't have to over explain or go into your anxiety depression history. I've learnt this.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 05/05/2019 11:53

I think you need to ring her or meet and chat
in the meantime
"Thanks for understanding. I really value our friendship but it is very hard to be open about this, as people can be very judgemental. I'd love us to meet up soon, and thanks for inviting me"

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 05/05/2019 11:55

Also try not to catastrophise ("I knew this would happen"...)
How did you word your first texts?

eternalopt · 05/05/2019 11:59

Reply and ask her for a coffee again so you can explain yourself properly and try and be honest with her

eternalopt · 05/05/2019 12:00

Reply and ask her for a coffee again so you can explain yourself properly and try and be honest with her

ASauvignonADay · 05/05/2019 13:03

Message her back and say you find it really hard to talk about your social anxiety but would really appreciate the chance to meet for coffee and to explain a bit more. Tell her you really value her friendship but just have never really talked to anyone about this

This is good advice 😊

MyOtherProfile · 05/05/2019 13:15

@ASauvignonADay thank you Smile

Redglitter · 05/05/2019 13:23

As someone who suffers similarly to you OP I'd suggest as pp have said meeting her face to face or phoning her & explaining properly to her. I have been honest with my friends & it's made life so much easier. But that didn't happen til I really really talked to them. Sometimes texting just doesn't get your point across properly

pictish · 05/05/2019 13:23

She’s not being insensitive. She was outright lied to which is insulting.
I do hope the OP’s friend can hear the OP out. I absolutely sympathise as to why the OP chose to lie - but nevertheless, being lied to is still a slap in the dish. It makes you feel stupid.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 05/05/2019 13:40

I don't think she hates you. She is, as she says, disappointed you couldn't tell her before. Let her know that you feel bad for lying to her and that she is the first person you have trusted enough to tell. Try to focus on how she might be feeling (without catastrophising). Well done on trying to get help with your MH.
And, have you seen the news about Boris Johnson's voting tweet? Not suggesting you should be as brazen as him but there is a middle ground...

Fudgenugget · 05/05/2019 13:55

I very much understand what you mean OP, except because of my social anxiety I have no friends!. So I think you are very lucky to have this friend. If she cares about you she will understand. Yes, the 1000 thoughts a second are now going through your head, you might feel a bit foolish, or you might want to hide, or you might need to psych yourself up to ring or message her, or you might feel tense, stressed, and under pressure but I have found, as an anxiety sufferer, it just has to be done.

Grit your teeth, and get on with it. Flowers

Oscarsdaddy · 05/05/2019 17:30

Be honest, hopefully she will understand

My partner suffers and the one thing she is great at is hiding it from others, sadly I bear the brunt of her anger when I fail to understand what she’s thinking even though she won’t say.

In this day and age please don’t be scared to share your anxiety with good friends, they’ll understand

seven201 · 05/05/2019 17:38

I'd reply with

But I do 'want' to go, I'd love to go but my anxiety is crippling so I just can't. I know I've never even hinted at suffering from anxiety to you, so you may be surprised or maybe disbelieving - hopefully not. I really do value our friendship immensely, please don't feel I don't. I hope you can forgive me for not giving you the true reason straight off - I find it very difficult to talk about. Sorry, op.

MummasTheWord · 05/05/2019 17:55

If you have anxiety your friend, if closest will understand, just message and say I really can’t handle group social situations at the moment but would really really love to see her for coffee - when is she free? X