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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to rectify my massive fuck up?

171 replies

Fuckinghelpme · 04/05/2019 20:19

Long story short, I have depression and anxiety and I really don't like socialising too much, especially in big groups. I meet a friend for coffee once a week but that's really my limit.

Yesterday, one of my friends messages me about a big group meet up (mostly people I know but some not, there would be 9 or 10 people there) I really wouldn't be comfortable with that many people at once, especically as I don't know them all.

So I reply that I'd love to, yada yada but unfortunately I'm busy that day. I don't really talk to my friends about my mental health so couldn't have used that as an excuse

Until I realise 3 hours that she didn't specify a date!!!! She was just seeing if I was up for it at some point!
Fuck fuck fuck....

The message was on whatsapp and it has blue ticks so I know she read it, shes my closest friend and I don't want to lose her friendship! Im such a horrible person i know but please help

OP posts:
Incywincybitofa · 04/05/2019 21:33

I suspect she knows if she's your closest friend.
Delete the first message then Reply all and say you got two messages from different people mixed up and you meant to post that to another friend
Then just message your friend 1-1 that you can't cope with that many people even though you like them all.

Witchend · 04/05/2019 21:35

Please tell her. She may be thinking of you and trying to help. Let her know how many you would be comfortable with (even if it's just her).
If you want to slightly save face, say you misread it and thought she'd said X date (or you confused it with another invite)
But that you really appreciate the thought and are delighted you were invited.
You're certainly not horrible*

*Or if you are I'll join you in that corner. I have a sinking feeling when I see an invite and, although I usually enjoy it when it comes to it, I spend the time from acceptance to actually being there regretting it. If it's cancelled I am truly relieved without even a trace of disappointment!

Original poster
Fuckinghelpme · 04/05/2019 21:36

Ive just messaged her about 10 minutes ago. I just said that I was really sorry and I panicked because big groups make me anxious and that I'm really sorry.

Blue ticks again, no reply, she hates me doesn't she? My rational brain tells me that she's probably formulating a (nice) response but my anxiety is telling me that she hates me, she thinks im a liar, she never wants to see me again, ive lost my closest friend, and I'm going to be alone forever....

On the plus side I've just started a new medication for my depression and that should start to work within a few weeks so hopefully I won't be feeling this bad forever.

I'll update you if she replies (will be checking my phone every 0.7 seconds of course) and thank you for all the support, it means a lot when I can't talk to people irl about it.

OP posts:
crispsforsupper · 04/05/2019 21:39

It's Sat night, hopefully the lack of reply means she's just busy - either out, attending to family or engrossed in watching her fave box set or whatever.

SqueakyPigs · 04/05/2019 21:40

Hope she replies soon OP

Original poster
Fuckinghelpme · 04/05/2019 21:40

Blue ticks mean she's read it though, i want to message her and ask if she hates me just because im scared

OP posts:
janetforpresident · 04/05/2019 21:44

Give her chance. I would take time to reply to that because I would want to get it right. Give her until 10 and if she hasn't responded maybe send another message
Don't send "do you hate me?" Just perhaps suggest a meet up the two of you or something?

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 04/05/2019 21:46

Deep breaths and well done for taking such a positive step and starting medication! I'm sure that was incredibly difficult.

It's also great that you are aware of when the anxiety is talking - that doesn't make it any less awful but it's something.

Don't message just yet. It's Saturday evening and she is probably doing something right now.

aprarl · 04/05/2019 21:47

Do NOT ask if she hates you! Just don't.

No good can come of that kind of thing, it feels like overly dramatic emotional blackmail on the other end, even when it feels like sincere anxious death to you.

She could just be busy and unable to reply. Or someone might be playing on her phone and she hasn't actually seen it.

If you do another message, just make it one short one, and leave it. You could say you've just started medication and it's messing with your head but you're hoping to feel better soon, and you'd love a meet-up with just the two of you.

crispsforsupper · 04/05/2019 21:47

I know the blue ticks mean she's read it. I mean, she's read it but she's busy for the possible reasons above. Honestly, try to think of something else now. You've explained to her the reason for your earlier message. Job done. You two can talk more about this (if it comes up) face to face next time you see each other.

You have done the right thing. Let's see what she says. But's May bank holiday weekend (well it IS here anyway, not sure where you are) so I would give her till Tues or Wed to reply, if not before. If she doesn't reply after that, well she is clearly a little bit odd.

She doesn't hate you. X

crispsforsupper · 04/05/2019 21:48

Bloody typos! But it's not But's!

cricketmum84 · 04/05/2019 21:49

Be honest. Tell her that you are struggling with anxiety and the thought of going out with a large group freaked you out so you made an excuse.

If she is a good friend she will understand.

Thanks for you Cos I understand just how fucking hard it is x

Biancadelrioisback · 04/05/2019 21:54

Well done. It's not an easy thing to admit to!

cheeserolls · 04/05/2019 22:03

Good for you for being honest.

I hate the blue tick thing about WA. It doesn't help anxiety when you can see someone has read a message and hasn't replied!

Luckypoppy · 04/05/2019 22:10

Just tell her you read the message wrong. You thought she said tomorrow. This will give you some time to speak to her rather than text. She will understand.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 04/05/2019 22:11

I do the exact same thing if it's an important message that's been read and not replied too. I also suffer from awful social anxiety and regularly cancel events with friends because I can't cope.

Try to remember that she may just be busy and will reply. I know it's tough. Also, she's not much of a friend if this would cause her not to want to speak to you ever again.

Onecutefox · 04/05/2019 22:15

Tell her that when reading the post you had a date in your head.

Onecutefox · 04/05/2019 22:17

Didn't see your last post, OP. I hope she replies.

ShirleyPhallus · 04/05/2019 22:18

The anxiety-waiting-for-a-reply is THE WORST

OP you’ve been honest, if she doesnt appreciate that then it ain’t a friendship you want but I’m 100% sure she’ll reply positively to you

Nofunkingworriesmate · 04/05/2019 22:18

I was shit scared the first time I was honest to a friend about my mh expected everyone to run from me and talk negatively about me. Or worse be s friend out of pity, none of these things happened, everyone is educated and sympathetic or has experienced it up close , the relief and love I felt when my mates were supportive was immense and the most critical part of my recovery , they will understand and be ok. Honestly is totally the best policy

Junkmail · 04/05/2019 22:21

She’s probably just processing it and doesn’t want to say the wrong thing. If she’s a true friend she’ll feel nothing but concern and perhaps a little embarrassed herself that she didn’t pick up on it (not that she should have, I only know that that’s how I’d feel and I would also feel bad about not being there to support you)—she certainly won’t hate you. I know it’s almost impossible if you’re already anxious but try not to think the worst. Just wait and see what happens now.

SqueakyPigs · 04/05/2019 22:25

Has she replied OP? How are you?

Bringbackthestripes · 04/05/2019 22:26

Has she still not replied? She could be out of course being all ‘normal’ and socialising and not understanding how a person with anxiety feels....just breathe....and remember that her reading, and not immediately replying, may not mean a thing to her but she will not automatically understand that it Is torturous to you.

If she is out and having a drink she may not even remember that she has read and needs to reply- go to bed and try to forget it. Wait and see if she contacts you tomorrow.

woodcutbirds · 04/05/2019 22:29

If she doesn't reply when you have been honest she may be upset.
I withdrew from a small group that meets regularly for a similar reason recently. two of the group sent immediate lovely messages. the queen bee didn't reply at all. It's made me think less of her not myself.

Passmethecrisps · 04/05/2019 22:30

If you were my pal I would probably have read it and now be thinking:

“Aw shit. Now it all makes sense. I feel shit for not noticing already. I need to think really carefully about my reply”

Your reply was brave and can only be for the best regardless of how your friend replies.