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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU and really "the worst and meanest mum in the world"?

167 replies

Madeaminnieme · 04/05/2019 17:41

So my DD (7) and DS (4) were happily playing in the front garden all day with a few of the other kids from around our area. The other kids start to head home for dinner etc except one girl who my DD decides she wants to walk away with towards the girls home. In comes my DS who is breaking his heart because nobody wanted to play with him.
I immediately jumped to the front door and saw my DD so told her to come back. She took one look and ran away.
Luckily she had her phone with her (yes she has one but so we know where she when she is out playing. There is only her parents number in it). Cue numerous calls and texts which were ignored. They started off with "please come hoe2 to shouty capitals demanding she come home.
DD finally returns 20 minutes later and I sent her to her room. I take her phone from her and her tablet then tell her to stay in her room reading a book or something until she is prepared to apologise.
I told her I was angry with her because 1) she left her brother 2) ran away after I told her to come home 3) left without telling me in the first place and 4) didn't answer her phone

DD's reply was to tell me that I am the meanest mum in the world, I was the worst mum in the world and she never wanted to see me again. I was also told that I didn't love her. I pointed out I do love her but sometimes she made me really angry and that wasn't the behaviour I expected. Yes this is a shortened version and there was some shouting but no swearing and no calling her a monster or anything like that.

Finally got her to stay in her room but this is the most recent or a number of "battles" I am starting to think I'm the worst mum in the world and come down too hard on her Especially when I'm told her daddy is so much nicer than me.

OP posts:

QforCucumber · 04/05/2019 17:43

Is she usually allowed to the girls house and was she only told to return because ds was sad? Tbf I cant imagine 2 x 7 year olds wanting much to play with a 4 year old. I understand the punishment though, she should not have ran off or ignored you and for that I'd be furious

Dishwashersaurous · 04/05/2019 17:45

She’s seven and has a phone and a tablet.

This is definitely not about you coming down too hard on her. Instead you are treating her much older than she actually is and she can’t cope with the responsibility that you are giving her.

She needs you to be the parent and setting clear firm boundaries

BarbedBloom · 04/05/2019 17:47

I agree with the above poster, running off like that is not acceptable. However, I wouldn't expect them to play with a 4 year old and would probably have let her walk with her friend

Singlenotsingle · 04/05/2019 17:47

No you're not mean. It's a battle of wills, and let the best woman win! She'll try every trick in the book. The trouble is if you let her get away with it, she'll do it again (and again!)

Isohungy · 04/05/2019 17:48

What!? She's 7 years old playing out unsupervised and seemingly responsible for a 4 yo also and has a phone and tablet?!

What dishwasher said is spot on.

AssassinatedBeauty · 04/05/2019 17:49

No you're not being mean. I'd have gone ballistic at the running away, and I would have gone after her with 4 year old in tow and got her back. I don't think it's appropriate to be phoning and texting a 7 year old at that point asking her to come back.

HelpAFattieOutHere · 04/05/2019 17:50

She's 7, she's old enough to be sat down and have a conversation about safety, why you need to know where she is and when for her safety and her brother's safety. What if he hadn't come in but had wandered off in the other direction? Then a conversation about ignoring your messages/calls.
I wonder if her having a phone gives her a bigger sense of freedom? We had a lot of freedom as kids but we never went anywhere without our parents knowing where we were, knowing full well that one day they'd come and check, and if we weren't where we said we were, there'd be consequences.

Pumperthepumper · 04/05/2019 17:51

No you're not mean. It's a battle of wills, and let the best woman win! She'll try every trick in the book. The trouble is if you let her get away with it, she'll do it again (and again!)

It really isn’t healthy to see your children as the enemy, or as having some kind of spirit you have to break. If you think of them as the competition, how can they be happy or well adjusted?

Willow2017 · 04/05/2019 17:51

What!? She's 7 years old playing out unsupervised and seemingly responsible for a 4 yo also

Playing in their own garden how awful!

Pumperthepumper · 04/05/2019 17:52

I’ll give it about five seconds until the ‘thats why we’re raising a generation of snowflake comments’.

You’re expecting too much from her, OP.

thelastgoldeneagle · 04/05/2019 17:53

She’s seven and has a phone and a tablet.

This is definitely not about you coming down too hard on her. Instead you are treating her much older than she actually is and she can’t cope with the responsibility that you are giving her.

THis x 100

Thehop · 04/05/2019 17:53

She’s 7. She shouldn’t be playing out without an adult and definitely shouldn’t be expected to babysit a 4 year old.

Though she should understand why she can’t run away and ignore you.

Effic · 04/05/2019 17:57

You can’t be - my DS assures me that’s me! It’s what kids say when they want there own way. Perfectly normal. Keep your boundaries, she’ll continue to push against them but feel safe they are there. Oh and ignore the omg she’s playing out out 7 comments. Kids should be allowed to play with an adult looming over them at all times but it’s an earned right which should be revoked if she doesn’t keep to the safety rules like answering the phone

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 04/05/2019 17:58

Ignoring the phone and refusing to do as she is told is unacceptable and needs nipping in the bud before she becomes a stroppy teenager. I don't think that asking her not to exclude her brother is unreasonable either. I would expect my DC to look out for each other and not leave a sibling on their own - family comes before friends.
You are not the worst mother in the world - you are just teaching her that there are boundaries and rules and that her opinion does not override yours. If she thinks she can just ignore you then she won't be safe and if she cannot be trusted, she shouldn't be playing outside without you. I'd put this to her and she can take it or leave it - do as she's told or she doesn't go out!

Needadvices · 04/05/2019 17:58

I dont think at seven shes too young to play out unsupervised...IF she follows the rules!no walking off without telling anyone. And agree with pp that a phone and a tablet is too much at tjat age, and phone is not actually useful if she doesnt answer it.

Bluestitch · 04/05/2019 17:59

I can't imagine sending messages for 20 minutes if my 7 year old ran off tbh. I'd have been chasing straight after her.

Greenyogagirl · 04/05/2019 18:00

She’s 7?!?!

agnurse · 04/05/2019 18:01

She's 7 years old. She is too young for a phone and tablet and MUCH too young to be responsible for a 4-year-old.

I'd be taking the phone and tablet off her and advising her she isn't to leave the yard without telling you first.

Singlenotsingle · 04/05/2019 18:01

Don't be silly, pumper. It's like a game of chess, you just have to be one step ahead.

BeanJen · 04/05/2019 18:05

Don't take what she said to heart. You are right to punish her for disobeying you and children learn how to push your buttons it's part of growing up.
That said, I would be having a stern conversation about asking permission before leaving the garden, and if she can't follow that rule then she can't play out.
I don't think she should be responsible for DS having a good time, but maybe you could impress upon her how you rely on her to know that DS is safe when you can't see him as she's the older sibling.
I think you've done the right thing to show her actions have consequences, just make sure you make up with her at the end of her punishments. Smile and move on and make sure she knows also that if she is a good girl she will be treated like one.
Please please don't dwell on her words. My DD is too little for all that but I'm dreading the day she says something to intentionally hurt me. But they love you really!!

Mintandthyme · 04/05/2019 18:05

Why did you not physically go and get her instead of texting her ???
Am a big gobsmacked af your approach really ...

Pumperthepumper · 04/05/2019 18:07

Don’t be silly, Single. It’s parenting - it’s raising your child to be the absolute best they can be, to be safe and loved and secure. Not something you have to constantly try to conquer or beat.

Iggly · 04/05/2019 18:08

7 with a phone, tablet and all that responsibility???

Too much too soon.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/05/2019 18:09

I'm with @Bluestitch why did you text or call? I'd have been straight after her!

sackrifice · 04/05/2019 18:11

You texted a 7 year old, who had been supervising a 4 year old all afternoon?

Lol.

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