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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU and really "the worst and meanest mum in the world"?

167 replies

Madeaminnieme · 04/05/2019 17:41

So my DD (7) and DS (4) were happily playing in the front garden all day with a few of the other kids from around our area. The other kids start to head home for dinner etc except one girl who my DD decides she wants to walk away with towards the girls home. In comes my DS who is breaking his heart because nobody wanted to play with him.
I immediately jumped to the front door and saw my DD so told her to come back. She took one look and ran away.
Luckily she had her phone with her (yes she has one but so we know where she when she is out playing. There is only her parents number in it). Cue numerous calls and texts which were ignored. They started off with "please come hoe2 to shouty capitals demanding she come home.
DD finally returns 20 minutes later and I sent her to her room. I take her phone from her and her tablet then tell her to stay in her room reading a book or something until she is prepared to apologise.
I told her I was angry with her because 1) she left her brother 2) ran away after I told her to come home 3) left without telling me in the first place and 4) didn't answer her phone

DD's reply was to tell me that I am the meanest mum in the world, I was the worst mum in the world and she never wanted to see me again. I was also told that I didn't love her. I pointed out I do love her but sometimes she made me really angry and that wasn't the behaviour I expected. Yes this is a shortened version and there was some shouting but no swearing and no calling her a monster or anything like that.

Finally got her to stay in her room but this is the most recent or a number of "battles" I am starting to think I'm the worst mum in the world and come down too hard on her Especially when I'm told her daddy is so much nicer than me.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 04/05/2019 18:12

I don't understand this either. Firstly who the hell expects a seven year old given the chance, to not play with their friends but stick with their four year old brother, and secondly why didn't you just go after her?

werideatdawn · 04/05/2019 18:13

Ridiculous. All of it.

notmuchmoretogive · 04/05/2019 18:14

She should not need a phone so you know where she is. You should know where she is!

If you live in the right place then I don't think she's too young to be playing outside (say the front of your house) but she should be telling you if she's going to play outside a house further down etc. The phone has allowed her too much freedom and a sense of (false) safety.

Bluntness100 · 04/05/2019 18:15

How did you not see this happening? Were you actually letting your seven year old supervise your four year old?

Have you in some way mis written this?

BogglesGoggles · 04/05/2019 18:16

Well if you let her wander around on her own it’s pretty predictable that sometimes she won’t listen when you tell her where to go.

Futureisland · 04/05/2019 18:18

I think a 7 and a 4 year old out playing is fine if you can see them from your window and its a safe area. I think 7 is too young for a phone and don't see why she should need it as shouldn't be playing far away.

You are defo not ubreasonable though for punishing her. I woulda grounded her and explained why as its not safe for her to be somewhere without you knowing.

Bluntness100 · 04/05/2019 18:19

Is the phone and tablet for your benefit op? So you don't have to parent too closely?

Pimmsypimms · 04/05/2019 18:20

It's unfair for the 7 year old to be responsible for the 4 year old. The 7 year old should be allowed to play with her older friends and not have to look after her brother.

Mintandthyme · 04/05/2019 18:23

Is the phone and tablet for your benefit op? So you don't have to parent too closely?

Ah. Nail on head.

Dishwashersaurous · 04/05/2019 18:23

Why didn’t you physically go and bring her home?

Mintychoc1 · 04/05/2019 18:26

Why didn’t you run after her?

This makes no sense.

Quartz2208 · 04/05/2019 18:27

You are giving her too much responsibility

First off she is allowed to have friends without her brother you are making her responsible for him. If he was lonely and wanted to play with someone you play with someone

She is too young to have a phone - she simply isnt responsible enough and she has proved that

But also recognise your part in this - you have caused this by allowing her freedom without properly ascertaining boundaries

itswinetime · 04/05/2019 18:27

Well there a few things going on here aren't there.

your daughter walked off without telling you were she was going is that normal?
she thinks it's ok to ignore her phone when you are trying to find her?

Those are both things that need to be addressed.

But I don't think it's her job to entertain her brother. She's 7 he is 4 they are going to be times she wants to do other things she should be able to. Does she feel she has to sneak away in order to have free time?

Your daughter ran off and you didn't know where she was for 20mins and you were content to just keep texting her! She's 7! When she didn't reply why wasn't anyone looking for?

I think you are right to punish her for running away but I also think you need to have a think about why she did it and wether having a phone is actually helping or making things harder

Original poster

Madeaminnieme · 04/05/2019 18:29

She was the last of her group of friends to get a phone and it was mainly so she could play music to dance to and take photo's that she loves to do.
We live in a lovely area and she is very street smart. I was regularly checking on them and was sitting watching out over them. She wasn't left in charge of my son but they had all been playing together. They have a lovely relationship and there's nothing worse than having to tell my DS he cant go out to play because it breaks his heart.
I'm quite stunned that he focus has not been on reassuring me but instead making me feel like a crap mum cause she has a phone!
Thank you to those who have taken the time to reassure me. Under a lot of stress just now and mental health taken a knocking!

OP posts:

Original poster

Madeaminnieme · 04/05/2019 18:30

oh and I couldn't run after her as my DS then needed the toilet and I didn't need to as I could see the house she was going to.

OP posts:

Mumof5x · 04/05/2019 18:31

My eldest is 19 and youngest 3 and over the years I have heard it all. I think you are making a bit of a mistake letting her get as far as to 'run away'. Next time (if there is a next time) I would chase her down pick her up and carry her home if need be, and then explain to her she's not aloud out to play for a while because you have to be able to trust her and the fact she ran off shows you can't right now. It's hard because my dad always told me once you have given a child a certain amount of freedom it's very hard to take it back. I always remembered that and was very careful with how much i allowed them to do. But you are in charge so don't let her question yourself like this. Kids are very good at getting us to do that!

Quartz2208 · 04/05/2019 18:32

It is hard OP telling a younger brother (I am 2 years further ahead than you) but he has to learn that his sister is allowed to have friends of her and to say no to him. His needs to do and should not trump hers - otherwise exactly what are you teaching her about the dynamics of men and women

Riverviews · 04/05/2019 18:33

Why are you using your daughter as a babysitter for your son? It should not be her responsibility to look after him.

Having said that, she's far too young to be running away to a friend's house without asking you first. She needs boundaries and you need to step up and treat her as the 7 year old she is.

LL83 · 04/05/2019 18:33

I would have let dd go and played with ds. It's great when the play together but she shouldn't be made to stay in the garden just for that reason. (Unless she hasn't included ds all day then of course she should make some time for him)

However dd should have asked to go, and running away then ignoring text is outrageous and boundaries must be set.

My dd is 9 and she is only allowed in our estate so I dont need a phone to find her. If she goes to next estate she has to ask first and tell me when she is back. If she is anywhere she shouldn't be she knows she wont be out again until I can trust her. Works for us.....so far anyway. Basically I would keep the phone and she would be grounded.

SunshineCake · 04/05/2019 18:33

She could have a CD player and a children's camera. A phone is ridiculous at seven

Iggly · 04/05/2019 18:34

She was the last of her group of friends to get a phone

That’s not a reason to get one!

INeedAFlerken · 04/05/2019 18:35

THere was nothing stopping you from playing with your own 4 year old son. Expecting your 7 year old daughter to have to stay home and play with him instead of having some time with her own friends so he's not 'heartbroken' isn't reasonable. Your his mother, not her. And she surely wants time alone with her own friends ... she's 3 years older and will have different interests!

itswinetime · 04/05/2019 18:35

They have a lovely relationship and there's nothing worse than having to tell my DS he cant go out to play because it breaks his heart.

It's great that they have a lovely relationship but if you want that to continue the. There will be times she wants to do something different to him and that is ok it might upset him and that is hard to see but she should be able to do that and feel able to say mum I'm leaving now to go to the shops with x. It will be better for their relationship long term and also for yours and her relationship as there will be no sneaking of and subsequent fight.

CloserIAm2Fine · 04/05/2019 18:37

If she’s normally allowed to go off and play with her friends (and since she has to have a phone for you to know where she is, it sounds like she is) then I think you were being unfair to demand that she stay and play with her sibling. That’s a fast way to make her resent him and you.

Calling and texting a 7 year old begging her to come home is just ridiculous. Ok so you couldn’t chase after her, but after you took your DS to the toilet why on earth didn’t you go round to the house you knew she’d gone to and fetch her?

Greenyogagirl · 04/05/2019 18:37

You said she has the phone so you know where she is.
You should always know where your 7 year old is without having to text her!

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