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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and really "the worst and meanest mum in the world"?

167 replies

Madeaminnieme · 04/05/2019 17:41

So my DD (7) and DS (4) were happily playing in the front garden all day with a few of the other kids from around our area. The other kids start to head home for dinner etc except one girl who my DD decides she wants to walk away with towards the girls home. In comes my DS who is breaking his heart because nobody wanted to play with him.
I immediately jumped to the front door and saw my DD so told her to come back. She took one look and ran away.
Luckily she had her phone with her (yes she has one but so we know where she when she is out playing. There is only her parents number in it). Cue numerous calls and texts which were ignored. They started off with "please come hoe2 to shouty capitals demanding she come home.
DD finally returns 20 minutes later and I sent her to her room. I take her phone from her and her tablet then tell her to stay in her room reading a book or something until she is prepared to apologise.
I told her I was angry with her because 1) she left her brother 2) ran away after I told her to come home 3) left without telling me in the first place and 4) didn't answer her phone

DD's reply was to tell me that I am the meanest mum in the world, I was the worst mum in the world and she never wanted to see me again. I was also told that I didn't love her. I pointed out I do love her but sometimes she made me really angry and that wasn't the behaviour I expected. Yes this is a shortened version and there was some shouting but no swearing and no calling her a monster or anything like that.

Finally got her to stay in her room but this is the most recent or a number of "battles" I am starting to think I'm the worst mum in the world and come down too hard on her Especially when I'm told her daddy is so much nicer than me.

OP posts:
RedSkyLastNight · 04/05/2019 18:38

Does she have very clear boundaries? For example, that she must stay in front garden, or that she can go to x,y and x places but must ask first. My DC have always had a rule that a condition of them having a phone is that they must answer it when a parent rings if th phone wil be taken away. I'm wondering if her boundaries are not cleat defined, so she is angry because she doesn't understand what she did wrong. You may be thinking of her as more responsible than she really is. Calling your 7 year "street smart" is a worry. 7 year olds shouldn't be street smart!

IHaveNoIdeaReally · 04/05/2019 18:38

If you're just looking for people to agree with you then you're in the wrong place.

A 7 year old shouldn't have a cell phone and a tablet nor should she not be allowed to play with her friends simply because no one wants to play with her younger brother. They're individuals.

NCforthis2019 · 04/05/2019 18:39

7? And she’s got a phone and allowed to just run off when she wants? You’re giving her way too much leeway here OP. She’s not a young teen/adult. I would confiscate the phone seeing as how she doesn’t understand what it’s primary purpose is for.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 04/05/2019 18:39

I wouldn’t let my 7 year old play out on the front never mind watching her young brother. When the eldest called for friends and dd asked to play I told her now. Regardless if you’re child needed the toilet if I saw my 7 year old walking off and ignoring me I would have prioritised that.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 04/05/2019 18:40

I think you have sent her very mixed messages
She has a phone, she's allowed to play out and free-range (I think this is good up to a point ) but then when she does choose to go off and play elsewhere you shout at her?
She's not responsible for her wee brother, but you shouted at her for leaving him?

I'm sure you are not the meanest mum in the world (quite often that is me) but this is all a bit of a strange set up. Just be clear with the rules and the boundaries, in your own head and with your daughter. She's really still very young.

Dermymc · 04/05/2019 18:40

If she runs off and ignores you at 7, imagine what she's going to be like at 13.

She has too much responsibility, get rid of the phone and stop getting her to mind her little brother. They shouldn't be playing out unsupervised if you can't trust her not to run off. What if she had gone to a totally random house further away? How would you have known?

Gilbert1A · 04/05/2019 18:41

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Dishwashersaurous · 04/05/2019 18:41

If you have decided that she is old enough to go and play out by herself, then you need to allow her to do so.

You should always be supervising your son. So either you are supervising them both or if she goes off as you have decided that she can, then you continue to play with and supervise your son .

She is too young to be responsible for another child.

Newyearnewname2019 · 04/05/2019 18:43

Wow. I don't even know how to start with this one. The whole thing is ridiculous.

Dishwashersaurous · 04/05/2019 18:45

And if she walks off and you want her home then you go and get her. Physically carrying her if you need to.

Twenty minutes! You phoned and texted her for twenty minutes when you should have gone and got her

AssassinatedBeauty · 04/05/2019 18:45

Are there really places where all 7 year olds have mobile phones?

Starlight456 · 04/05/2019 18:46

Ok first point you are the meanest parent in the world means she doesn’t want you to tell her what to do . It is your job to . Get used to that phrase and I hate you . Said in anger is normal .

My 12 year old didn’t come home when told and there were serious consequences.

However at 7 I would not let have a child have a phone, I think it gives her permission to leave that garden . At 7 if my Ds played on the street I was there.

I also think in there is an issue in there that the only reason your dd was called back was because of your Ds who you say she had played with all afternoon. It is fair she wants time without her brother.

BrendasUmbrella · 04/05/2019 18:46

7 year olds won't always want to play with a 4 year old. If they'd been playing nicely all afternoon I don't understand why you wanted her to come in just because her brother was upset?

Yes she was wrong to ignore your calls and texts, but if this is not the first time you've expected her to drop what she's doing to pacify her brother I can see why she did.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 04/05/2019 18:46

You let your daughter ignore you go6r 20 mins. Your son had been to the toilet. The house was across the road. She has no boundaries. She pretty much came back when she decided to.

Texting your 7 year old in shouty capitals and her ignoring your calls. You must read how this sounds!

Mintandthyme · 04/05/2019 18:47

I'm quite stunned that he focus has not been on reassuring me but instead making me feel like a crap mum cause she has a phone!

The focus has mostly been on the fact that you spent 20 minutes texting a 7 year old to come home instead of going to get her.

Mintandthyme · 04/05/2019 18:50

And you cannot be relying on the phone to know where she is when she is out. Especially now that you know she is capable of ignoring your calls and texts.

Daenerys77 · 04/05/2019 18:50

If you don't want to look after your son for a bit, get a babysitter. Don't expect a child to do it for you.

mbosnz · 04/05/2019 18:50

I'm sorry, I agree that you don't leave a 7 year old with the responsibility of supervising a 4 year old. Having been that 7 year old, and I got annoyed with the 4 year old and came home and left him at the park. Impulse control, as you have seen with your daughter today, at that age is pretty much nil. And what if something went wrong? Would you blame the 7 year old? How would the 7 year old live with it later in life, if it were serious?

I definitely agree that at 7, supervision needs to be more immediate than by way of phone.

I say that as the mother of a 13 year old, that with her phone, went out with her friends today, and shifted locations, didn't respond to texts or calls, and her father was out looking for her. She just didn't think.

RedSheep73 · 04/05/2019 18:51

That's what all children say when they're angry - it isn't personal.

Armadillostoes · 04/05/2019 18:53

Why on Earth did you let a 7 year old run off? I completely agree that you are treating her as though she is MUCH older.

She shouldnt expect her to babysit a 4 year old. That is what you are effectively doing. And at 7 she isn't old enough to be anywhere just because she has a phone with her. She needs to be in sight and supervised.

formerbabe · 04/05/2019 18:53

Your seven year old ran off like that Shock

I'd have chased after her and marched her home. Seriously, your her mother, why on earth did you allow this to happen?

Good luck with the teenage years op

JaxTaylorDidIt · 04/05/2019 18:57

My three year old goes to the toilet on her own so why can't your four old. I'm astounded your daughter has a phone! You should be reading all the replies and questioning a few of your decisions when it comes to your parenting I'm afraid to say.

Leeds2 · 04/05/2019 18:57

If it is any help, I am another one thinking a 7 year old shouldn't have a mobile phone. Even if all her friends do (which I doubt).
If you knew where she was, and couldn't immediately chase after her because your DS needed the loo, then I would've gone to the house 5 minutes later and demanded she came home. Yes, it would probably have embarrassed her.
I know it's hard, but she really didn't mean what she said. I expect she knows she has done wrong, and feels badly but can't get out of it without losing face.

Mintandthyme · 04/05/2019 18:57

your her mother, why on earth did you allow this to happen?

Because the 4 year old needed to use the toilet.

Mintandthyme · 04/05/2019 18:58

Priorities 🙄