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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and really "the worst and meanest mum in the world"?

167 replies

Madeaminnieme · 04/05/2019 17:41

So my DD (7) and DS (4) were happily playing in the front garden all day with a few of the other kids from around our area. The other kids start to head home for dinner etc except one girl who my DD decides she wants to walk away with towards the girls home. In comes my DS who is breaking his heart because nobody wanted to play with him.
I immediately jumped to the front door and saw my DD so told her to come back. She took one look and ran away.
Luckily she had her phone with her (yes she has one but so we know where she when she is out playing. There is only her parents number in it). Cue numerous calls and texts which were ignored. They started off with "please come hoe2 to shouty capitals demanding she come home.
DD finally returns 20 minutes later and I sent her to her room. I take her phone from her and her tablet then tell her to stay in her room reading a book or something until she is prepared to apologise.
I told her I was angry with her because 1) she left her brother 2) ran away after I told her to come home 3) left without telling me in the first place and 4) didn't answer her phone

DD's reply was to tell me that I am the meanest mum in the world, I was the worst mum in the world and she never wanted to see me again. I was also told that I didn't love her. I pointed out I do love her but sometimes she made me really angry and that wasn't the behaviour I expected. Yes this is a shortened version and there was some shouting but no swearing and no calling her a monster or anything like that.

Finally got her to stay in her room but this is the most recent or a number of "battles" I am starting to think I'm the worst mum in the world and come down too hard on her Especially when I'm told her daddy is so much nicer than me.

OP posts:
pikapikachu · 04/05/2019 19:54

Lots of 7 year olds own a tablet. I'm not going to criticize you for this.

I think that you are treating her much older than she is. Having her babysit her younger brother is unacceptable (you should distract him at home and ignore his tears) and the running away/not answering texts suggests that she's too immature for the responsibility imo. Of course it's easier if he plays with the 7 year olds but she should be allowed to be 7 and hang out with other 7 year olds without the responsibility of her younger brother.

7 year olds here play out and go to the local shop. The people knocking that choice probably live in less safe places where that's not possible. I am gobsmacked that you need a phone to locate your dd though. The kids here have a much smaller radius that they have to stay in so can be located quickly. If they were going to the shops then parents would know. If they stick to the rules then parents usually increase the zone that they are allowed in so by year5/6 they are ready to go to and from school without an adult. Just because other kids have a phone, it's not a reason for your dd to own one. The 7 year olds that I know with a phone talk to their divorced parent on it only.

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 04/05/2019 19:57

This thread is bonkers. She's 7. She's not a baby. Most children walk themselves to school at that age. She was playing in the street with her friends ffs. And this hysteria over a phone is ridiculous. It's not like they've bookmarked pornhub for her and signed her up on Tinder. It beats standing at the front door yelling like a fishwife that it's time to come in for tea like mothers had to do when we were kids.

OP, your daughter doesn't hate you. She's just pushing boundaries. Everyone is mean and everything is unfair at that age. It will pass.

formerbabe · 04/05/2019 19:59

Most children walk themselves to school at that age

No they don't.

Langrish · 04/05/2019 20:00

Pumperthepumper

No you're not mean. It's a battle of wills, and let the best woman win! She'll try every trick in the book. The trouble is if you let her get away with it, she'll do it again (and again!)”

Let the best “woman” win”? What?

FFS it’s a 7 year old child! Start by taking away the phone (for 5 years, there is no reason a child of that age needs one).
She’s not responsible for your 4 year old, you are.
If it happens again, you follow her - presumably you know where the friend lives - explain to the other parent what just happened, ie your 7 year old completely ignored you which is unacceptable and you bring her home,

Isohungy · 04/05/2019 20:02

OP: AIBU?

MN: Yes.

OP: No I'm not stop making me feel bad!

🙄

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/05/2019 20:08

You sound quite emotional about your ds. You’ve twice said about his heart breaking. He’s 4. Children, especially young children have to understand boundaries and have to be given age appropriate self responsibility. That means at 4 he can’t do what a 7 yo can do. You’re actually really lucky he’s the sort of child to come inside, not wander off.

You also seem to be creating a narrative, where your dd is big and your ds is little. In reality 7 is really really young to be given this amount of responsibility for herself. My dd would definitely have asked permission at this age and I would have only been ok had I seen her enter the house. Perhaps you have different ideas. But this is more the norm imo.

Your ds needed the loo. But not for 20 mins. If you saw your dd walking off I don’t understand why you didn’t shout to her to come back.

I’ve just given my dd a little freedom to be in the village but must tell me where she is. She’s yr6. We’ve had a few teething problems. She knows now where she is and isn’t allowed to go and must call and ask me if it’s ok to walk to a friends house etc.

It really is time to start giving your dd boundaries. It’s surprising sometimes what children do and don’t know. It was news to dd (10) for example the other day that a certain behaviour is rude. To me it is so obvious. Clearly not to her. Then in another breath she will astound me with her knowledge.

Candleglow7475 · 04/05/2019 20:12

You’re not mean but you need to rein her back in. She shouldn’t have thought it was ok for her to go off on her own.
Also 7 year old girls will not want to play with a 4 year old boy all afternoon. Their interests will be different, and he will end up getting left out, maybe not intentionally at first, but they will want I play without him. I really have an issue with this due to one of my neighbours doing the same, forcing a much younger boy into a friendship group because it suits her. Your DD should be allowed to have a friend on her own without her brother tagging along.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/05/2019 20:12

Most children walk themselves to school at that age

Where? In Germany, yes. In some African countries, yes. In the U.K., um, well, no.

Natsku · 04/05/2019 20:14

Are there really places where all 7 year olds have mobile phones?

90% of them where I live and that statistic is 10 years old so it's probably closer to 100% now

OP You need to make the ground rules clear. Having a phone is a privilege and a responsibility so if she doesn't answer it when you call her then she loses the phone and doesn't get to play out until she has shown to you that she is ready for that responsibility again. However her brother is not her responsibility, she shouldn't have to play with him beyond short periods of time e.g. while you pop to the loo

voddiekeepsmesane · 04/05/2019 20:16

Far too young for her own phone and tablet. We are a very techy household but DS (now 14) did not have a phone until year 6 at 10 years old and then it was a cheap PAYG. He got his own tablet at 11years old the a smart phone when he could be trusted eg answer when called by us his parents and have it fully charged etc.

As far as the whole "but she was the last of her group to get on" I hear this statement in a whiney teenage voice and want to say ...if her friends parents walked them off a cliff would you do the same as well!! Grow up and parent in a responsible way instead of pandering to peer pressure

AssassinatedBeauty · 04/05/2019 20:16

Wow. Not a single 7 year old that I know has a mobile and no one would give their 7 year old a mobile phone. Is it really so different in different parts of the UK?

Can I ask what statistics you're referring to @Natsku ?

Greenyogagirl · 04/05/2019 20:19

I’ve moved around the uk a lot over the years and have never met a 7 year old with their own phone. Usually 10-11 year olds going into secondary school

Sindragosan · 04/05/2019 20:19

As someone with a younger sibling (although slightly bigger gap), let the older child have space if she needs it. I was happy to play at times, but being guilted into taking them along with me because they cried was awful. Stop the emotional manipulation and remove the small child if necessary. Yes, I get that life is easier if they play together, but you're setting yourself up for long term issues.

Natsku · 04/05/2019 20:20

AssassinatedBeauty

Not in the UK. Not everyone on mumsnet is in the UK though, has OP said she's in the UK as she said most of the kids have them already?

SevenSeasofRye · 04/05/2019 20:21

A 7 year old with a phone and tablet is completely inappropriate, so is allowing her to play outside unsupervised.

whatawolly · 04/05/2019 20:21

I'm more concerned at the fact you let your child run away to god knows where alone and your first thought was to text her instead of physically getting off your arse and bringing your child home. If that was me as a child, or my child in a few years I would have dragged them back kicking and screaming, not sent a 'shouty text'.

N2986 · 04/05/2019 20:23

Is it really that inappropriate for a 7 year old to be playing in their front garden unsupervised?

XiCi · 04/05/2019 20:25

Your dd should not be responsible for your DS. Of course she is going to want to play with friends her own age rather than her 4 Yr old brother. What if your DS hadn't come in crying to you and instead had wandered into the road or to god knows where. He is too young to be left in the charge of a 7 year old.

If you knew what house she had gone to why on earth didn't you go and get her when your DS had been to the toilet? Why were you texting her? She's too young to be having text conversations about her whereabouts. She's not your mate down at the pub ffs. You should have gone and collected her as soon as you could.

And yes 7 is really young for a phone. My dd is almost 9 and none of her class have phones. Yr 6 seems the norm for this.

whatawolly · 04/05/2019 20:25

A 4 year old is perfectly capable of being left to have a wee while you take 30 seconds to get your runaway child back inside. The risks of your daughter being abducted or knocked over are far greater than your son setting the house on fire or getting hold of something he should have. In that moment your focus should have been on your daughter who was in far more danger and A LOT more trouble??!

dementedma · 04/05/2019 20:25

you texted your 7 year old to ask her to come home?

I am SO glad mine are grown up!!!

lottiegarbanzo · 04/05/2019 20:31

Yes, all this 'litte DS's heart broke' is manipulative nonsense. Where have you learned that from? Does male upset always trump female freedom, needs, wishes and wisdom, where you're from?

Are you one of those weirdos who say 'but he's my boyyy' in a wailing tone, as if expecting everyone to agree that of course male wishes and feelings trump everything, girls are just servants-in-training and your biggest achievement in life has been to birth a son, to whom you are now subservient forever?

If so, you've made your bed, I cannot help you because I cannot imagine seeing the world through your eyes.

If not and you just mean you were left with a whiney four-year-old, well, that's what they do. His sister plays with him sometimes. He needs to understand that at other times, she has her own things to do.

PrincessScarlett · 04/05/2019 20:41

Do you know for definite that your DD was the last of her friends to get a phone or is that just what she told you?

My DD is almost 9 and none of her friends have a phone. I don't know any 7 year olds who have a phone. Our school advises no phones should be given until year 6 in preparation for secondary.

You have given too much freedom/responsibility to a 7 year old who doesn't have the maturity to handle it.

Yes your DD was unacceptable to run off/not respond to you but it is all your own doing. And letting her be responsible for your 4 year old beggars belief.

Walkaround · 04/05/2019 20:41

Madeaminnieme - I don't understand why, if you knew your dd was at the other girl's house, you didn't go round there, after your ds had gone to the loo, to tell her to come home? Why all the pathetic, plaintive texts if you were cross with her and wanted to make clear how unacceptable you thought her behaviour was? It seems more a case of being quite soft and expecting her to have the maturity of an adult when she's only 7.

Walkaround · 04/05/2019 20:44

ps after playing with her little db all day, I'm not surprised she fancied a break, tbh.

GoodPlaceJanet · 04/05/2019 20:50

My children are the same age and I just couldn't imagine a scenario like this playing out. My 7 year old has never played out unsupervised yet.

Agree with others that she's being treated much older than her actual age and her reluctance to comply is only going to get worse as she gets older. Time to take the phone away and reign things in a bit.