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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and really "the worst and meanest mum in the world"?

167 replies

Madeaminnieme · 04/05/2019 17:41

So my DD (7) and DS (4) were happily playing in the front garden all day with a few of the other kids from around our area. The other kids start to head home for dinner etc except one girl who my DD decides she wants to walk away with towards the girls home. In comes my DS who is breaking his heart because nobody wanted to play with him.
I immediately jumped to the front door and saw my DD so told her to come back. She took one look and ran away.
Luckily she had her phone with her (yes she has one but so we know where she when she is out playing. There is only her parents number in it). Cue numerous calls and texts which were ignored. They started off with "please come hoe2 to shouty capitals demanding she come home.
DD finally returns 20 minutes later and I sent her to her room. I take her phone from her and her tablet then tell her to stay in her room reading a book or something until she is prepared to apologise.
I told her I was angry with her because 1) she left her brother 2) ran away after I told her to come home 3) left without telling me in the first place and 4) didn't answer her phone

DD's reply was to tell me that I am the meanest mum in the world, I was the worst mum in the world and she never wanted to see me again. I was also told that I didn't love her. I pointed out I do love her but sometimes she made me really angry and that wasn't the behaviour I expected. Yes this is a shortened version and there was some shouting but no swearing and no calling her a monster or anything like that.

Finally got her to stay in her room but this is the most recent or a number of "battles" I am starting to think I'm the worst mum in the world and come down too hard on her Especially when I'm told her daddy is so much nicer than me.

OP posts:
jellycatspyjamas · 04/05/2019 20:51

Really, a 7 year old isn’t “street smart”, nor would I want them to be - unless street smart means something different where you are. It sounds like you treat her much older than she is, I don’t understand if you wanted her home, why you didn’t go and bring her home. Texting and begging her - at 7 - is an utter nonsense. I’d be keeping her phone, limiting her tablet use and setting clear boundaries which you physically monitor. Yes, she’ll still think you’re the meanest parent in the world, but she’ll also learn limits safety, instead of being expect to be street smart while still in infant school.

OxanaVorontsova · 04/05/2019 20:55

There is no way I'd allow a 7yo to walk away from me, never mind expect her to respond to a text! She simply doesn't have the maturity to be able to do that, nor is she responsible for her little brother, you are though. Start parenting properly.

Coyoacan · 04/05/2019 21:04

Well, letting children play out used to be the norm, so you'll get no criticism from me on that score, but I do think you should let your children be able to have friends without always involving their sibling.

My dgd's best friend is never allowed to have friends just for himself without involving his older sister. Which is not wonderful for any of them.

SpeedyBojangles · 04/05/2019 21:07

Harsh replies on this thread. The phone is irrelevant.

You're not a terrible mum, in hindsight you probably shouldn't have expected her to come back to play with her brother when she wants to play with her own friend but she absolutely should not have run away from you so you are right to punish her for that.

My 4 and 5 year olds have tablets. Must be a flipping awful mum me Hmm

NuffSaidSam · 04/05/2019 21:07

'there's nothing worse than having to tell my DS he cant go out to play because it breaks his heart'

I can think of loads of things worse than telling a four year old to play inside....like your 7 year old running away and not coming back for 20 minutes!

'I'm quite stunned that he focus has not been on reassuring me but instead making me feel like a crap mum cause she has a phone'

This is AIBU not 'Can you reassure me'. You asked and you've been told. Yes, it is unreasonable to have a 20 min text argument with a 7 year old who has run off.

SpeedyBojangles · 04/05/2019 21:11

Yes, all this 'litte DS's heart broke' is manipulative nonsense. Where have you learned that from? Does male upset always trump female freedom, needs, wishes and wisdom, where you're from?

Are you one of those weirdos who say 'but he's my boyyy' in a wailing tone, as if expecting everyone to agree that of course male wishes and feelings trump everything, girls are just servants-in-training and your biggest achievement in life has been to birth a son, to whom you are now subservient forever?

Wow! What a pathetic string of absolute bullshit.

MajesticWhine · 04/05/2019 21:21

You are not the worst mum in the world - you really have to ignore this sort of thing. Being the bad guy is sometimes a good sign that you are getting it right.
However I agree with those that say texting a 7 year old and expecting them to comply is too much. Sometimes you have to just go and grab them.

formerbabe · 04/05/2019 21:34

Oh god, let's not turn this into a feminist issue ffs

Teachdeanta · 04/05/2019 21:59

I haven't read all the replies but look its your house your rules. If you want her to have a phone etc that is your business. Just give clear rules. 1. You don't leave to go somewhere without telling me first. You could end up hurt etc and I wouldn't know where you are. 2. You do not run off when I tell you to come back otherwise you will be kept in next time. 3. You must answer your phone or you lose it. Kids are excellent at pushing boundaries and emotionally manipulating parents. You just let it roll off your back. Their health and safety comes first.

Armadillostoes · 04/05/2019 23:04

Teachdeanta- The comment about "Your house your rules" is utterly nonsensical. The issue is whether the stance being taken is reasonable, meaning that the Billy Piper "Because I want to" approach isn't very helpful. The OP CAN allow her seven year old to have a phone, but that is a very different question to whether it is within the range of sensible parenting choices.

In any case, the point is more about the way in which she is being allowed to use it, and the fact that the OP didn't physically follow when such a young child ran off. It might help if you actually read the thread and conversation.

TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 04/05/2019 23:11

I hate hearing under 10’s described as “street smart”. A 7 year old shouldn’t have had the opportunity to become street smart.
And you sound a bit odd, op, whining that nobody’s reassured you. That’s because nobody thinks what you did was ok?

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 04/05/2019 23:22

She probably didn’t respond to your texts because she is 7 years old, she shouldn’t know how to use a phone.
I’m all for technology, my own 6 year old has an iPad that is heavily monitored and restricted but a phone at 7?! Too far

notmuchmoretogive · 05/05/2019 08:11

I don't think the OP will still be reading this but.. from your posts OP I think you have blurred lines on friends vs being a parent. Being the parent means making choices that aren't always popular with your children. Saying they're street smart at 7 is what a friend might say (I'm not against your 7 yr old playing outside by the way but I think your boundaries are a bit off).

MeanMrMustardSeed · 05/05/2019 08:33

*TheGrey1houndSpeaks

I hate hearing under 10’s described as “street smart”. A 7 year old shouldn’t have had the opportunity to become street smart.
And you sound a bit odd, op, whining that nobody’s reassured you. That’s because nobody thinks what you did was ok?*

This

GabsAlot · 05/05/2019 11:00

its ok everyone her friends have one so she wanted one

next week it will be a short skirt coz u know her friends have all got one

AlaskanOilBaron · 05/05/2019 11:05

She is far, far too young to have a phone and she shouldn't have to wedge a 4-year old in with her and her 7-year old friends.

lifebegins50 · 05/05/2019 11:21

nothing worse than having to tell my DS he cant go out to play because it breaks his heart

This is ridiculous and if this emotion is at the root of your actions you need to establish perspective.
There are many, many more upsets in life than not playing out and to indulge a 4 year for this is just crazy. You are over indulgent and at at the same time too hands off.

If DC are finishing play due to dinner time...tough, that is what happens and if he cries so what. If dd goes off without contact then you need to ensure she knows its not acceptable. Multiple texts to a child who has not long learnt to read and doesn't know the boundaries is bizarre.

masie098 · 05/05/2019 11:26

The phone thing and what age is the norm in the UK: Just for comparison, our school also suggests no phones til year 6, in preparation for secondary school the next year when most kids will then be walking or catching a bus to school by themselves, only a few get driven. Also in year 6 the school says they're allowed to walk to and from school by themselves if parents allow this, but they have to inform the school once they start doing this. Most kids do in year 6 as the majority live no more than 20 min walk away, a lot are on the housing estates nearby so only 10 mins. So round here it's the norm to start walking to school by themselves in year 6 and at the same time getting a phone. It's school led I suppose round here and most parents go with that. Totally different to my day when there were no phones but more freedom to go off and play and walk to school at a younger age with friends. Things change though for various reasons.

Also, Mumsnet is surely not representative of the whole of the UK, not every mum is on here so answers won't give a real cross section of the average age kids get phones across the UK. Oh and according to some, most of us on here are judgey middle class pearl clutches (not my words and I'm pretty sure I'm not one of those!) Smile

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 05/05/2019 11:31

A seven year old is far too young to be allowed out alone even with a phone and they should not be responsible for a younger sibling ever. That's the parents job.

Booboostwo · 05/05/2019 11:33

People are just derailing the thread by focusing on the phone and iPad.

She left her brother to play with her friend: I think that is to be expected and you need to talk to her about being more sensitive to her brother’s feelings and including him in games while accepting that she will need some time to do more grown up things with her friends.

She run away from you: this should have a direct punishment. It is completely unacceptable and could have been dangerous.

She refused to pick up her phone and answer texts: this should have another direct punishment, again unacceptable and dangerous. I would stop her from going out on her own for a week on this alone, until she can prove she can be more responsible. Then she’d be allowed out but she’d have to answer her phone immediately. If she ignores you on this the play date is cancelled.

Calling you the worst mother: on the whole i’d ignore this, it’s the kind of thing many DCs say when frustrated. Explain that it is your job to look after her and make sure she is safe and don’t discuss it anymore.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 05/05/2019 11:36

there's nothing worse than having to tell my DS he cant go out to play because it breaks his heart

Of course he can go out to play, you just need to be supervising not leaving it to another infant child.

wineandsunshine · 05/05/2019 11:40

The phone issue...I wouldn't dream of giving my 7 year old a phone. It's not necessary at all. I started at Y6 with older DS's once they were walking to school independently.

The sibling issue, I understand they were playing nicely together, however I would have rules for playing outside together. For example if she didn't want to play with him any more then they both come back inside.
If she wanted to play at her friends house then that would be an arranged thing...

thewinkingprawn · 05/05/2019 11:47

The phone thing might be derailing the thread but I think most sensible parents know that a phone at age 7 is bad parenting. Yes ok most have access to iPads etc for supervised use in the house. Anything else and you are exposing your child to god knows what with unfettered access to the internet and ways of making plans to meet with people. So whilst you are not the meanest mum in the world (get a grip) you are a bad parent for allowing the phone with no supervision at the age of 7 (which I assume means she is in Y2 or. Very very young Y3). Mental and you should feel bad for that.

Greenyogagirl · 05/05/2019 11:56

People are just derailing the thread by focusing on the phone and iPad.

Because ‘am I the meanest mum in the world please reassure me’ is a ridiculous thread to start

exLtEveDallas · 05/05/2019 11:58

She shouldn't be punished for not wanting to play with her brother. That's a perfectly acceptable choice.

She should be punished for leaving the garden without telling/asking you.

She should be punished for not coming back as soon as she was told to.

Your choice of punishment (bedroom, loss of screens) is fine, it puts her on her own and gives her time to think about what she has done.

The only thing I would have done differently is that I would have gone and got her, not text/phoned her after the first refusal/ignoring.

I don't think you are a bad parent and I don't have any issue with your 7yr old having a phone or tablet (my DD had a wallkie-talkie at that age so I could check on her, but that's because the phone signal in our village was terrible, otherwise she'd have had a phone as well)