Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

AIBU and really "the worst and meanest mum in the world"?

167 replies

Madeaminnieme · 04/05/2019 17:41

So my DD (7) and DS (4) were happily playing in the front garden all day with a few of the other kids from around our area. The other kids start to head home for dinner etc except one girl who my DD decides she wants to walk away with towards the girls home. In comes my DS who is breaking his heart because nobody wanted to play with him.
I immediately jumped to the front door and saw my DD so told her to come back. She took one look and ran away.
Luckily she had her phone with her (yes she has one but so we know where she when she is out playing. There is only her parents number in it). Cue numerous calls and texts which were ignored. They started off with "please come hoe2 to shouty capitals demanding she come home.
DD finally returns 20 minutes later and I sent her to her room. I take her phone from her and her tablet then tell her to stay in her room reading a book or something until she is prepared to apologise.
I told her I was angry with her because 1) she left her brother 2) ran away after I told her to come home 3) left without telling me in the first place and 4) didn't answer her phone

DD's reply was to tell me that I am the meanest mum in the world, I was the worst mum in the world and she never wanted to see me again. I was also told that I didn't love her. I pointed out I do love her but sometimes she made me really angry and that wasn't the behaviour I expected. Yes this is a shortened version and there was some shouting but no swearing and no calling her a monster or anything like that.

Finally got her to stay in her room but this is the most recent or a number of "battles" I am starting to think I'm the worst mum in the world and come down too hard on her Especially when I'm told her daddy is so much nicer than me.

OP posts:

edwardcullensotherwoman · 05/05/2019 12:03

You're not mean for giving her consequences for running off - she should not have done that, but you should have gone after her, regardless of whether DS needs the toilet. If you could see the house she was going to it couldn't have been far, surely you could have run to get her and been back in a minute?
Something that doesn't seem to have been picked up on, and really struck a chord with me was I was also told that I didn't love her. I pointed out I do love her but sometimes she made me really angry and that wasn't the behaviour I expected.
"I love you, but..." imo should never be said to a child. Parents' love should be unconditional. It may not have even occurred to you as you said it, to be fair. Once everything calms down, maybe explain to her that you were angry at her running off and not answering her phone because you love her, not in spite of it.

lottiegarbanzo · 05/05/2019 12:12

The phone is relevant because the OP seems to be relying on her dd to use it as if she was an adult - as if the phone itself conferred these skills. Rather than seeing her as a 7yo who just happens to be carrying a phone.

What's important are the rules about going to friends' houses, agreeing arrangements, listening to her Mum.

The image of the mum madly texting - and imagining an excited 7yo will notice or care, when she's already blatantly ignored her mum in person and run off - is rather comic.

Your dd was cross with you because she wanted to continue playng with her friend. Understandable. Clearly though, everyone else was going home - so your dd wanted to do something that was exceptional among her peers, she wasn't just 'joining in' or carrying on playing because everyone else was. She got carried away and defied you and your rules. There were consequences. All fine.

AngeloMysterioso · 05/05/2019 12:14

In comes my DS who is breaking his heart because nobody wanted to play with him.
I immediately jumped to the front door and saw my DD so told her to come back.

Great way to get your DD to start resenting being forced to sacrifice playing with her friends on her own to keep her little brother happy. She’d been playing with him all day FFS!

there's nothing worse than having to tell my DS he cant go out to play because it breaks his heart.

Really? Nothing worse?

Sounds like there’s already a bit of a golden child/scapegoat dynamic happening here tbh. I feel sorry for your DD. If she isn’t already aware of it she soon will be.

CripsSandwiches · 05/05/2019 12:48

If she's likely to run off without permission she can't be trusted to play out unsupervised. I think yabu to insist she plays with her brother when she's with friends but I definitely agree you need to set much stronger boundaries. Running off when called and not returning home is worrying behaviour for a 7 year old.

Natsku · 05/05/2019 12:52

The phone thing might be derailing the thread but I think most sensible parents know that a phone at age 7 is bad parenting.

But that isn't universal - the culture where you are thinks phones at 7 isn't right, but in some other places it's viewed as right and normal. Most sensible parents where I live would view it as bad parenting not to provide a 7 year old with a means to contact their parents when out and about - that doesn't mean parents in the UK who don't give their 7 year olds are bad parents, nor does your opinion mean that parents who do give them are bad parents.

Orangeballon · 05/05/2019 13:04

Kids say this to make parents feel dreadful, it’s their way of punishing you. Lots of kids say this.

Ratbagcatbag · 05/05/2019 13:16

Everyone else has covered the phone/running off thing.

I had a brother 2 years younger than me. I had to include him in everything. If I didn't I couldn't do it. As he got older he played up to the dynamic too. So told my dad friends of mine had been mean when they hadn't and I was stopped playing with those friends.
I'm not close at all to my brother as adults, I resented him for years.

He wasn't breaking his heart, he was a bit upset/whiny and you could have easily sorted that one yourself instead of making a 7 year old responsible for his happiness at the expense of her own.

Nosunnofun · 05/05/2019 13:37

I admit I didn't read the whole thread, just the first couple of pages but putting the tablet and phone to one side, I don't understand why you didn't just tell your ds that the other kids were going home for their dinner, at 4 he can certainly understand that. It seems your DD ran off because she didn't want to be stuck playing with her little brother. Your DD shouldn't have run off, but you knew where she was so I don't see the big deal, I would have gone after her (after the loo) and probably grounded her the next time she wants to go out.

thelastgoldeneagle · 05/05/2019 17:16

there's nothing worse than having to tell my DS he cant go out to play because it breaks his heart.

It's great they have a good relationship but tbh you're going to have to toughen up and get ready to make parenting decisions that may not make you popular with your dc.

Your 7yo should not be responsible for your 4yo. She will not always want to play with her little brother, and nor should she have to.

The sooner he gets used to the fact that she has her own life and can do her own thing sometimes, the better. It's a life lesson.

If you're finding that kind of thing hard, maybe a parenting course would help. You have to make loads of decisions as a parent that your kids won't like, and that's fine. You're in charge, you're setting boundaries, you're keeping them safe.

dumdumdeedum · 05/05/2019 18:59

I doubt many of the posters have a 7 year old currently. The attitudes around phones and tablets are very old fashioned.

I'm not going to give advice because I don't have a 7 year old either. I've a much younger child. But can I offer that if she only uses her phone for music etc, she might not be used to answering or checking texts ?

dreichuplands · 05/05/2019 19:05

I have two ten year olds, they don't have phones yet. Most of their friends either don't have them or have old ones that only have wireless connection. They will get them just before secondary school.
I think that the idea that all 7 year olds have phones in nonsense.

Nosunnofun · 05/05/2019 19:24

I have a 10 year old, she has a tablet but not a phone. My older DC got phones at around 9/10 but I don't think she is ready for one yet. None of my dd's friends have a phone, not one, so it's not the norm in our circle.

FromageFrais · 05/05/2019 19:32

She has a phone. Aged 7.

I just cant bring myself to NOT focus on this. Its awfully AWFULLY young

user1480880826 · 05/05/2019 19:33

Why did you phone her to tell her to come back rather than actually following her and telling her to come back.

You seem to be treating her like a 14 year old rather than a 7 year old.

I’ve never heard of a 7 year old having a phone. Your excuse is that it allows you to know where she is. But what use is that when she can chose not to answer it?

I agree with other posters that her and her 4 year old brother are too young to be playing unsupervised. The phone seems to be a substitute parent.

silver3 · 05/05/2019 19:45

I realise different parts of the country are different to London, but I can’t imagine what kind of road you live in where you would let a 4 year old be playing out and you can’t see him? Plus, 7 year-olds should not be left in charge of a 4-year old anyway. That’s too much responsibility.
Take the phone away and actually watch where they’re playing, rather than relying on the phone.
Are you watching them from the front of the house? If someone swiped your DS into a car, would that be DD’s fault?
Sorry if I sound harsh OP, but I just can’t imagine this.

Mrsfs · 05/05/2019 19:48

I know lots of 7 year old with phones and tablets.

She should not be punished for not wanting to play with her brother, I would be furious about her running off though and I would have been straight out to get her in.

I wouldn't worry about being the worst mum, I think we all get that at some point and soon enough you will be the best mum again.

thewinkingprawn · 05/05/2019 20:25

I don’t think it has got anything to do with tablets whichever PP said that - tablets presumably for in the house supervised use. Phones - they can literally be on anything and make arrangements to meet anyone and you will not have a clue as they will be out. I do have a 7 year old and one who was not long ago 7 and literally not a single one in either class had phones nor do my friends who have 7 year olds. It is barmy. Absolutely barmy. And irresponsible whatever anyone on this thread says. If that makes me old fashioned (ha ha) then I am happy to be so. They are in infants at 7 or at this stage of the year a very young year 3. Look at the research; listen to the police whoever. Not good parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7