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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and really "the worst and meanest mum in the world"?

167 replies

Madeaminnieme · 04/05/2019 17:41

So my DD (7) and DS (4) were happily playing in the front garden all day with a few of the other kids from around our area. The other kids start to head home for dinner etc except one girl who my DD decides she wants to walk away with towards the girls home. In comes my DS who is breaking his heart because nobody wanted to play with him.
I immediately jumped to the front door and saw my DD so told her to come back. She took one look and ran away.
Luckily she had her phone with her (yes she has one but so we know where she when she is out playing. There is only her parents number in it). Cue numerous calls and texts which were ignored. They started off with "please come hoe2 to shouty capitals demanding she come home.
DD finally returns 20 minutes later and I sent her to her room. I take her phone from her and her tablet then tell her to stay in her room reading a book or something until she is prepared to apologise.
I told her I was angry with her because 1) she left her brother 2) ran away after I told her to come home 3) left without telling me in the first place and 4) didn't answer her phone

DD's reply was to tell me that I am the meanest mum in the world, I was the worst mum in the world and she never wanted to see me again. I was also told that I didn't love her. I pointed out I do love her but sometimes she made me really angry and that wasn't the behaviour I expected. Yes this is a shortened version and there was some shouting but no swearing and no calling her a monster or anything like that.

Finally got her to stay in her room but this is the most recent or a number of "battles" I am starting to think I'm the worst mum in the world and come down too hard on her Especially when I'm told her daddy is so much nicer than me.

OP posts:
notmuchmoretogive · 04/05/2019 18:59

I am sorry you were looking for reassurance and got none.

You have sent mixed messages - got her phone so you know where she is, then later to make music videos. Do you monitor those videos? Have you seen what she's viewing because there can be some inappropriate stuff on apps like funimate.

Please check out nspcc advice and also www.net-aware.org.uk/networks/?order=title

On the aspect of meanest mother, that is normal. You are actually parenting her. I'd take her phone away and tell her if she's too young to listen to your request (to come home) she cannot have the phone.

Futureisland · 04/05/2019 19:00

@jaxtaylordidit to be fair she didn't say she took her son to the toilet, just that he needed. I think this story would look even worse if she had gone to find her daughter and left the 4 year old by himself because he needed to go to the toilet.

formerbabe · 04/05/2019 19:02

Because the 4 year old needed to use the toilet

But your seven year old is running off...you tell four year old to wait and chase after seven year old, surely this wouldn't take more than a minute? Confused. As soon as you saw her walking/running off, you go straight after her and bring her back. This must be your priority whatever else is happening.

floraloctopus · 04/05/2019 19:03

What Dishwasher said. You are putting far too much responsibility on her. She is only 7 FFS, let her enjoy being 7. If your 4 year old wants to play out in the front garden then you need to supervise him or get him to play in the back garden only (and still supervise him)

Topsy44 · 04/05/2019 19:03

You are not a mean mum. Everything your DD said was said in anger because she couldn't do what she wanted to do.

Its perfectly reasonable for a 7 year old to want to play with her own friends in her own age bracket. I think you're going to cause problems with your DD's relationship with her brother if you try and keep them together all the time. She will start to resent him and he will know he's not really wanted with her.

7 is too young for a phone.

formerbabe · 04/05/2019 19:04

The worst that would happen is your four year old wets themself. The worst that could happen if your seven year old disappears doesn't bear thinking about.

BackforGood · 04/05/2019 19:04

What Formerbabe said ^

I'm another who agrees with *Dishwasher on P1.

I can't understand why you let her walk away from you if you'd said she couldn't. Even more why you then didn't just walk across to the house and bring her back Confused.

sparklytwinklyfairylights · 04/05/2019 19:04

Running away and not answering her phone is totally unacceptable and I can't see why you're worrying about being called the worst mum by a 7 year old, it's called parenting

That said it is not her job to entertain her DB, even if she had been allowed out he's 4, he has to learn he can't do everything she does

EugenesAxe · 04/05/2019 19:07

I have children 7 and 9, and know from my own and friend's children that that is quite a common phrase for them to come out with when cross. You aren't the worse mum in the world.

I agree it's good for 7 year olds to still play a lot, and not be growing up too quickly. If she needs a phone it should be at certain times (when out, when wanting to dance etc) and I don't think you should let her have either device alone in her bedroom. My friend limits her teenager to socialising for 1 hour a day on her phone. A lot of people would think it a bit much, but they are both used to it and I think her confidence as a young woman and general mental health are brilliant as a result.

MadAboutWands · 04/05/2019 19:10

Running away and not answering is not acceptable. Yu would be an awful mum if you WERE letting her do that!!

Having said that, if you could see the house where she went, I would have gone to the house and collected her rather than waiting for her to be back.
I would also remind her regularly about rules when play8ng outside, which obviously include not going away with anyone wo your agreement first.

The one thing I wouldn't do is insisting that she plays with her brother. She is allowed to have her life, with her friends and wo forcing her to have her little brother tagging along all the time,

EleanorLavish · 04/05/2019 19:11

My sister is a VP, and we were chatting about 12yo DS, as he has a phone now that he is in secondary school. However, he was being a bit pants about answering texts/calls from me. One day in particular when I was working and he was scooting over to a friends house for the day, going out for lunch etc. I couldn't get hold of him all day to check he had arrived safely.
Now, I'm not a worrier, but even I was cross that he couldnt respond all day.
My sister said,look, a phones main purpose is as a communication device. The only reason he has it, is so that you can keep in touch when he is out, organise lifts etc. Any other purpose is secondary. If he doesn't use it to communicate effectively with you then take it off him. End of story.
I relayed this to him, and he has been much better since then. Answers calls/texts etc promptly. He has no social media. It does seem a little premature to let her have a phone etc. Just too early.
I think playing out front, or very near by is ok.

MauritiusNextTime · 04/05/2019 19:12

At 7 she should play in the front garden only imo. Most parents I know give their kids their first phone in year 6 in preparation for secondary school, when they then do things unsupervised.

Relying on texting a 7year old is crazy. Take the phone off her and teach her some boundaries.

ChicCroissant · 04/05/2019 19:15

You could see the house, but you texted her rather than go over and speak to her?

I don't think she has to play with her brother though.

Armadillostoes · 04/05/2019 19:16

OP-I don't mean this unkindly, but if you wanted reassurance rather than honest answers, AIBU was not the best place to post. Bluntly, I feel that your desire for reassurance is less important than your DD's welfare. I personally don't think that it's appropriate to either let a seven year old be out of sight, on the basis that she has a 'phone, OR expect her to entertain a four year old. You are entitled to disagree with that, but don't complain if people don't feel able to validate what they believe to be less than optimal choices.

Crazycrazylady · 04/05/2019 19:16

Your 7 year old needs a phone so you know where she is...Shock
I'm sorry but I can't get past this..

BlackeyedGruesome · 04/05/2019 19:17

Get in line. There's a long queue of worst mothers in the world.

Kids are not blessed with a large vocabulary, nor emotional maturity, they are very black and white. They say really shocking things when upset because they can't articulate their feelings more subtly.

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 04/05/2019 19:19

I have children your ages. My DD would never want to play with DS if another friend was round and I wouldn’t expect her too. Being mean and purposely excluding him isn’t okay but sounds more like they were just playing a differant type of game than that a 4 year old boy would play x

Ohhellothereladyface · 04/05/2019 19:26

I wasn’t allowed to play outside unsupervised when I was 7 nearly 30yrs ago, never mind now!!! Texting her to come home is what you would do with a teenager, not a 7yr old!

cornish009 · 04/05/2019 19:31

I think you were spot on with your reaction/[punishment.

I have never come across a 7 year old who has a mobile phone before. And as a foster carer I a looked after numerous children that age, and they or their friends have never had one. I'm really surprised you say your daughter was the last of her friend's to get one. But that's certainly not my experience at all.

FromEden · 04/05/2019 19:32

This is bonkers. I would not let my 7 year play anywhere besides our garden, where I can see her. She does not have a phone or need one because I always know where she is. That's because she is only 7 years old!!! I asked her and she said she wouldn't even feel comfortable going off outside without me.

As for texting her to come home rather than going to get her, you need to put some boundaries down and actually be a parent. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear but you are setting yourself up for a world of trouble when she gets older, the situation is bad enough now if she knows she can ignore you and come and go as she pleases. At 7! Sorry but that's crazy

lottiegarbanzo · 04/05/2019 19:34

Weird. Her having a phone and you in some way relying on her to use it - to what purpose? With what training? Yet does she? No. What a surprise that idea isn't working at all - with a (normal) impulsive 7yo!

What she said sounds normal.

But you're too soft, too trusting, too reliant on a young child to act like a grown-up. Not too hard at all.

masie098 · 04/05/2019 19:38

First of all, don't take her comments personally. She doesn't mean what she said and was just lashing out in anger and defence. I'm sure she knew she had overstepped the mark and was in the wrong, and this type of angry verbal response is typical for most girls from a certain age onwards. I work with children and from what their parents say the girls especially can say some pretty brutal things in an argument. To a 7 year old those are probably the most hurtful things they can think of to say to a parent in a moment of anger. Some kids are more stroppy and get angrier than others, my niece once said she wished my sister would die in a moment of anger. Of course it's hurtful and it does make you feel insecure as a parent, but they are just lashing out and don't mean what they say. Please don't take it to heart. It might be a good time to explain why you're NOT the worst, meanest mum in the world, the fact that you care about her safety and what could potentially happen to her when she runs off like that, a mum who couldn't care less would be the worst and meanest, not you! Explain you're actually just trying to keep her safe and protect her, which is your job as her mum, explain to her how worried it made you feel as well, I'm always very honest with my dc that I have feelings too, as my own mum was like a robot in that way and there was an emotional barrier between us where I felt I could never relate to her or know what she was feeling.

I think she should dedicate a consequence for running away from you like that, maybe take the phone or iPad or both away for a while and she has to earn them back. Or that she can't play out until she can prove she understands what she did wrong and you can trust her again. The running off would worry me most, but they have to learn sometimes by breaking the rules and hopefully she won't do it again.

I don't think she should have to play with her brother just so he doesn't feel left out or get upset. If it was me I wouldn't trust a 7 year old to supervise a 4 year old, but if they were both playing with a group of other kids in your front garden and you were watching closely from the window then that's not the same as leaving them both unwatched and unsupervised and your daughter in charge of her brother, which some people seem to think but not what I took from your words.

I'm not going to go into the phone at age 7 thing as it's such a contentious issue and I have my own opinions. I think my issue would be more that you were texting her to come home, ok your son needed the toilet but then I would have gone straight after her if it was my dd and taken her home, BUT we're learning as parents too and sometimes need to learn from our own mistakes just like the kids do, we're not perfect and we all make mistakes sometimes!

dreichuplands · 04/05/2019 19:45

Being the worst parent in the world is pretty normal OP.
But your dd has a lot of freedom and responsibility for a 7 year old.
A phone is not a substitute for adult supervision and oversight.
It is pretty rubbish for your dd to have to babysit her younger brother.
Clear age appropriate boundaries would help you with parenting your dd but still expect to be the worst parent in the world from time to time.

Witchend · 04/05/2019 19:50

She should not have to be responsible for her 4yo brother. Nor should she have to stay because he's not invited nor should she have to take him. That's setting up her to resent him.

However she needs to know that she doesn't leave the front garden without asking you and letting you know where she's going and you giving a time to be back.

I gated ds for a week when he sent a text 10 minutes after he was due to be back (and I'd said he couldn't be later as we were going out) saying he'd be about another twenty minutes and then didn't answer his phone.
Since then he always checks in with me 5 minutes before he's due to be home if he wants to stay longer or is back on the dot.

ISpeakJive · 04/05/2019 19:50

Sorry, you lost me at ‘phone’....

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