AIBU to demand school let my daughter go to the toilet whenever she needs to?

[Janel85]

DD is 6 and has been having repeat urine infections since November. She has had kidney ultrasound and has a mild drainage problem. Long story short ended up in hospital last night because dd caught a bug. Couldn’t keep down any water or antibiotics and hadn’t been a wee in over 12 hours. The mild kidney dilation will be investigated further but doctor thinks the reason for repeat UTIs at DDs age is likely to be down to stagnation, holding onto her wee for too long because she feels uncomfortable going at school. Spoke to DD and apparently the policy of her teacher is that the children can only use the toilet at break times and snack time and if you ask at any other time then the answer is no. I think this is making my daughter very ill and it’s wrong AIBU?

A child who needs the loo an hour after a break surely can wait 9/10 times for another hour tops until the next break.

NO! It’s not healthy to do so and you shouldn’t make them. Jfc

Your opinions are pretty odd Miss, and if you get some kind of kick out of policing the bladders of small children fair enough. But don't be surprised when parents challenge you on it, especially if they're very young children or have reasons to need immediate access to the toilet.

Jessica wow I didn't expect that! I'm glad they're not my children's teacher!

@Jessica

Btw, in 4 years of teaching no child has wet themselves.

@intheheat

I teach year 3. Children with a medical reason go as and when needed without even asking. The rest of class go before school, playtime,lunchtime and after school.

You need to speak to the class teacher - DD has x medical issue and needs y actions to accommodate it.

As obvious as it may seem, teachers are not medical professionals, and may not realise that having repeated antibiotics (if the teacher is even aware that is what she is taking as it is unlikely they are actually administering the medication) means that your DD needs to go to the toilet more often, unless you tell them.

If DD is uncomfortable using the toilets for some reason a solution needs to be found, e.g. if she dislikes using the toilet whilst other children are there, she needs to either be encouraged to go just before break times or be allowed to use the accessible toilet.
In addition, she should be allowed to go out of class, with a discreet system in place so the teacher knows where she is (either leave a card on the teacher's desk or have a silent signal). DD needs to know that this is what she should do and that if the teacher speaks to the other children about using going to the toilet as an excuse it does not apply to her.

Maybe suggest DD has the routine of always having a drink when she goes to the toilet so there is only one "disruption". You may find she is able to drink more fluid from a cup or a bottle that doesn't have a sports cap on it. You need to make sure the bottle/ cup is taken home and washed out properly so the water doesn’t get tainted and off-putting to her, but provide a spare to keep in school so she is never without.

If you don't get anywhere with the class teacher, ask at the Office to speak to the named person responsible for children with medical needs. Every school must have one. It may be the headteacher, or the Senco, or somebody else e.g. an admin assistant or TA, but if you are in England the role must exist.

If you Google Managing Medical Needs in Schools, you will find the DfE guidance which sets out what the school (and the parent) should be doing to support your DD in managing her medical condition.

The information should get passed onto her next class teacher in September, but it's worth checking that it has and that teacher knows the situation is still on-going, if that is the case.

As a teacher I tend to put a board up by the door in my room. All the children's names are beside it. General room is that if you need the toilet you take your name put it on the board and go (no need to ask) if someones name is already there you have to wait until they come back. That way I know who is at the toilet in case of emergencies and the kids have free rein of going to the toilet when they need.
They are all told to go at break time and lunch time also.
Only once have I had to stop a certain child from using the chart as he was out all the time. This was after talking to his parents who confirmed he had no medical reasons for needing to go and accepted that he was using it as a get out clause. For him I gave him 3 "toilet tokens" he could use them whenever he wanted but once they were gone he wasn't allowed out any more for the day. He soon figured out not to go 3 times in the first 2 hours of the day (no tokens needed at break and lunch time of course!)
Generally though the kids don't abuse the system.. And as others have said as a teacher you generally figure out who needs to go and who can wait.

in 4 years of teaching no child has wet themselves.

Do you check their knickers? Often you can’t tell unless it’s a huge puddle and they’re wearing pants. One year we had a teacher like you, she didn’t last long, and our girls were coming home with wet knickers but uniform dresses barely wet if at all. They wet themselves on the mat and the teacher couldn’t tell or didn’t care.
If they’re managing to hold on in your class and not wet themselves, that’s not an achievement on your part, you’re setting them up for bladder issues and you should not be teaching IMO.

Smurf123 sounds like a sensible system and pretty straight forward for you and the children. Well done.

The rest of class go before school, playtime,lunchtime and after school

If my DD had been subject to your rules, she’d have been told to simply walk out.

I dislike teachers on petty power trips who think they know someone’s biology.

@jessica

Honestly if I thought a child was really really that desperate then I would make the odd exception.

If there's a medical reason just ask the school for a medical toilet pass??

It is not safe to let every child who asks every 5mins go to the toilet. There would be swathes of unaccompanied children wandering all over site constantly. Likewise when a child is obviously desperate they should be allowed to go without the teacher then being chided by the headteacher in front of the class for letting them go (as I once experienced).

When will common sense prevail? Teachers can't win. They don't get a kick out of bladder torture but children do need to start learning to go at break and not every child who asks ends up with a bladder infection.

Why not calmly discuss with school?

We used to just get up and go to the toilet at schools I went to. There was 3 toilets passes by the door and as long as one was there then you could take it and go. I don't recall there ever being an issue with everyone trying to go at the same time or masses of children out of class. The vast majority of people are sensible enough to just go when they need to, not take the piss out of it.

I dislike teachers on petty power trips who think they know someone’s biology

This, and I'm usually on the side of teachers in the vast majority of situations. Thankfully have never encountered teachers (since my own schooldays) who get off on controlling when children can and can't use the toilet!

Do you think a child desperately trying to hold on until you decide they are allowed is even taking in anything you're trying to teach Miss?

You can't possibly know if they've wet themselves unless you check, which I'm pretty sure you don't as that wouldn't be allowed!

I dislike teachers on petty power trips who think they know someone’s biology.

Agreed. Happily, most teachers are far too sensible and don’t do this.

@intheheat

That is a fair point and take it on board but there are plenty of chances to go outside of class and they are very good at making sure they go at correct times, such as lunchtime like I have to.

Never has a parent complained so o would think not

I wouldn't say you're at the demand stage yet. They school had a policy, it doesn't work for your daughter, so let the teacher know she needs to go more often than that, and make sure she asks to go if she need during class time. It's a pretty standard policy, and you need it tweaked. I'd say you're still at the have a conversation v's the demanding stage.

@miss
To be honest if they are that desperate to wet themselves they could have gone at playtime.

I nip to the loo without fail before every bell at school, yet most days I am still usually crossing my legs, desperate for the kids to get out for break or lunch so I can run to the loo again! Admittedly, I drink far too much coffee, but I have no known bladder problems or medical reason.

On that basis, I couldn’t possibly expect every kid in the class to have a bladder of steel and never need to go during lesson time. Why would I want any small child to sit in discomfort in my classroom?! It causes very little disruption and I very rarely get children taking the piss (excuse the pun).

@goatinthegarden

I would never refuse a child who has a medical reason nor one who I thought would wet themselves and actually they have learnt to go at break.

I know what you mean about too much coffee, worse when on playtime duty.

Way up thread now, but I'm pretty shocked at the poster who suggested that the names of those allowed to the toilet are written on the board.

Not really treating a child with a medical condition with dignity and respect is it?

@Ali1ce
That is an agreement between me and the children so I know they are out the room.

Plus the other kids are not aware of where the children who are allowed to go to the toilet have gone or their name is even on the board.

26 years of teaching, nobody's ever wet themselves.
The OP's child has a medical reason for going more often. It's not the teacher who decides whether that's to be accepted or not. Just last week we had an email about one of the kids saying X will be needing to go to the toilet as and when.

There are also the kids (in every class) who fancy a walk. I can predict in each of my 10 classes exacty which kids will need to go during my hour.

Teachers just need to apply common sense. I know which ones I can say "wait until break" to, and which ones to let out.

I've also had several children telling me they have a medical condition and so need to go frequently.
Medical conditions that afterwards, their parents seem to know nothing about. "Ach no, he's pulling your leg. Don't let him out"

@Thecanterbury

I have already been flamed on here for saying I have never had a child wet themselves. Apparently we wouldn't know.

26 years of teaching, nobody's ever wet themselves.

1. You wouldn’t always know

1. It still increases risk of infections