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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to demand school let my daughter go to the toilet whenever she needs to?

254 replies

Janel85 · 04/05/2019 10:01

DD is 6 and has been having repeat urine infections since November. She has had kidney ultrasound and has a mild drainage problem. Long story short ended up in hospital last night because dd caught a bug. Couldn’t keep down any water or antibiotics and hadn’t been a wee in over 12 hours. The mild kidney dilation will be investigated further but doctor thinks the reason for repeat UTIs at DDs age is likely to be down to stagnation, holding onto her wee for too long because she feels uncomfortable going at school. Spoke to DD and apparently the policy of her teacher is that the children can only use the toilet at break times and snack time and if you ask at any other time then the answer is no. I think this is making my daughter very ill and it’s wrong AIBU?

OP posts:
BlitheringIdiots · 04/05/2019 10:38

My DD was issued a toilet pass last year without question. Apparently lots of children have them for a variety of reasons. Ask for one

Yabbers · 04/05/2019 10:41

I’m surprised you haven’t raised this with the school. Schools need to have rules otherwise kids would constantly be going to the toilet. But those rules are never so set that medical need is ignored.

nuttybutter · 04/05/2019 10:41

Just ask. The only reason teachers ask children not to go to the toilet during lessons is because they miss important parts and can spend ages messing around.

BarbarianMum · 04/05/2019 10:42

Has your dd asked to use the toilet and been told that she can't go, or is she assuming she won't be allowed to go because that's the general rule? You may find it's the latter and all you need to do is highlight to the teacher that your dd needs to be an exception, then make sure your dd asks. That was certainly the case for my ds.

MsRabbitRocks · 04/05/2019 10:44

All this unnecessary drama! Just politely request that your DD is issued with a toilet pass due to her medical condition. You can do it via email with evidence if you don’t want to do it face to face. Job done.

Chachaslider · 04/05/2019 10:44

YANBU this is a basic human right. Imagine if an adult was prevented from going to the toilet when they needed to.

MsRabbitRocks · 04/05/2019 10:44

YANBU this is a basic human right. Imagine if an adult was prevented from going to the toilet when they needed to.

Bingo! Wondered how long it would be before this was trotted out.

somanybloodysticks · 04/05/2019 10:45

Would echo the comment above that maybe there are other reasons she won't go to loo? I was surprised to discover P1/2 toilet bullying in DS school. Maybe LSA or similair could actively take her to loo straight after breaks or something? Good luck!

Nanny0gg · 04/05/2019 10:48

She's an infant. Odds are the loo are right by the classroom or even in them.
No pass is required.

She just has to tell teacher or TA she needs the loo and off she goes.

Topseyt · 04/05/2019 10:48

School toilet policies are general rules. They are guidelines which apply to most of the students.

They are adaptable at times of medical need and you should just need to ensure that the need has been clearly communicated to the school (including the usual class teacher), in writing too.

They are aware of her medical condition. However, you are not clear whether or not you have actually stipulated that her toilet requirements need to be reconsidered and made more flexible. You need to do this. They are unlikely to refuse, but if necessary get some proof from her consultant or GP.

DanielRicciardosSmile · 04/05/2019 10:50

Imagine if an adult was prevented from going to the toilet when they needed to.

Surely lots of them are?

Original poster
Janel85 · 04/05/2019 10:51

DD is 6, so she is my first one at school and this is the first medical issue we’ve had to bring to their attention. I’ve spoken to her this morning about not holding her wee and asking to go to the toilet, she says she asks and most of the time is told no. It may be naive of me but I didn’t think that the school, who are giving her several lots of antibiotics and know she has a kidney problem (and have in fact sent her home when she is in pain) would have to be specifically asked by me to let her go to the toilet when she asks?! But obviously on Monday I will be fully spelling this out. Thanks for your replies.

OP posts:
outvoid · 04/05/2019 10:52

YANBU. At six they should be allowed to go whenever they need to anyway, I doubt six year olds would be going to purposely skip a shit lesson as teenagers do!

I had similar issues growing up with repeat UTI’s and kidney infections. School let me go whenever I needed to. Holding a pee in is bad for anyone.

stucknoue · 04/05/2019 10:55

Is she going during the appointed breaks? If yes and needs go more then the school should make reasonable adjustments, but if she's not using it at break then you need to find out why

TreadingThePrimrosePath · 04/05/2019 10:58

You have made school aware, and the teacher seems to be ignoring it. Have you actually spoken or emailed the head, in an uncompromising fashion? Because I would. Ask if the TA can check how much water she’s drinking through the day. Make a flowery little card for her to show when she needs to go, so she doesn’t have to speak.
And as a teacher, I know exactly what it’s like to have to go to the toilet only at break and lunchtimes.

OddBoots · 04/05/2019 11:03

I agree with the others about her being allowed to go during less on but when you say "holding onto her wee for too long because she feels uncomfortable going at school." does that mean she doesn't go at break and lunch? If not have you been able to find out why?

JessicaWakefieldSV · 04/05/2019 11:06

Children can't normally go to the toilet whenever they want because it is disrupting to the teaching in the class.

See I always found this to be unacceptable. Children should be allowed to go to the toilet when they need to, regardless of a medical condition. Imagine if adults were prevented from going to the toilet when they need to! Holding on is bad for anyone.

TheSerenDipitY · 04/05/2019 11:08

when you make your request, remind them that her kidneys are being damaged by them saying NO all the time

TreadingThePrimrosePath · 04/05/2019 11:13

The problem with some children is telling the difference between want and fancying a little wander and a chat, Jessica. Not the OP’s issue, but sometimes a lot of time is frittered away by constant visits if 20 decide they’ll just ask to go to the toilet.

BogglesGoggles · 04/05/2019 11:14

Tell them explicitly that the doctor had said that preventing her from using the toilet freely is causing the infections. They are under a duty of care to keep her reasonably safe acting as loco parentis. Given this piece of information, they are under a specific duty of care to ensure that she has fee access to a toilet. If they do not allow her to use the toilet when she asks they will be in breach of their duty of care. You also reserve your position to take legal action over their previous denial of toilet access to a student who is known to have severe kidney issues. Heavy handed but all true and hopefully effective. What twats. Hopefully they were just hopelessly stupid and that’s why they refused to let her go.

StoppinBy · 04/05/2019 11:16

Kidney infection or not, any school that told my child that they couldn't go to the toilet would be hearing from me, yes a child being out of the class could be considered disruptive to the teacher but a child soiling themselves is more so.

vintanner · 04/05/2019 11:19

If you speak to the teacher/s and ask if they could arrange for your daughter to leave the class to go to the toilet but under the pretense she is doing something for them, taking a message or something that will give her the chance to go for a wee without the other children always knowing.

practicallyperfectwithprosecco · 04/05/2019 11:19

In ks1 I would never say no to a child but very often as soon as they come in from lunch and playtime they all need the toilet as they forgot to go during break time. They also needed drinks of water as soon as they came in as they forgot during their break time then 20 minutes later they obviously need the toilet again.

This can disrupt teaching as the younger children are more interested in children getting up and down and then they decide they need the toilet too. They inevitably miss part of lesson and don't understand what they need to do so I do see why some teachers might only allow toilet breaks at certain times.

Ks2 different story - unless a medical condition they are expected to go in their break times, because of layout of school it can take 5 minutes to get to the toilets and back and some children definitely see it as an opportunity to go for a walk. When told they can go to the nearest toilet ( a disabled one) they often then decide they can wait.

Of course if they have a reason they need to go more often then they are allowed.

marcopront · 04/05/2019 11:21

Imagine if an adult was prevented from going to the toilet when they needed to.

A few people have said the above or similar.
I presume you are all happy with your child's teacher walking out of the classroom at random times to go to the toilet.

Nanny0gg · 04/05/2019 11:21

If you speak to the teacher/s and ask if they could arrange for your daughter to leave the class to go to the toilet but under the pretense she is doing something for them, taking a message or something that will give her the chance to go for a wee without the other children always knowing.

With the design of most primary classrooms that absolutely would not work.
And most of the class wouldn't care anyway

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