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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to demand school let my daughter go to the toilet whenever she needs to?

254 replies

Janel85 · 04/05/2019 10:01

DD is 6 and has been having repeat urine infections since November. She has had kidney ultrasound and has a mild drainage problem. Long story short ended up in hospital last night because dd caught a bug. Couldn’t keep down any water or antibiotics and hadn’t been a wee in over 12 hours. The mild kidney dilation will be investigated further but doctor thinks the reason for repeat UTIs at DDs age is likely to be down to stagnation, holding onto her wee for too long because she feels uncomfortable going at school. Spoke to DD and apparently the policy of her teacher is that the children can only use the toilet at break times and snack time and if you ask at any other time then the answer is no. I think this is making my daughter very ill and it’s wrong AIBU?

OP posts:
bananascanturnonlamps · 05/05/2019 09:16

@hazeyjane a school isn't going to stop a child going to the toilet if there is a medical need. We aren't monsters and honestly what is the benefit to us to have an upset and uncomfortable child in the classroom? If your school are making this difficult it would suggest bigger problems with the school in general and I personally wouldn't be sending my child there. I have a class with around 8 students who have toilet access cards. All they need to do is show me and they go straight away to the toilet. I never question it, neither will any other member of staff.

It sounds like in this case the OP has assumed that the school would connect all the dots and realise that her daughter is suffering frequent UTIs so should be let go to the toilet whenever she needs (which she should.) Unfortunately schools are very busy places with a lot of different students with a lot of different needs so yes you do need to explicitly state stuff in order for it to get done because we are often already sorting out a million different things a day.

MumOfOne92 · 05/05/2019 09:20

I had repeat UTI's as a young child/teen and even and adult (they've only stopped since having my baby). My teachers never let me use the loo and holding it was causing me the problem. I still have the vivid image of me wetting myself at school and having to sit on a chair in puddle of wee as I was to embarrassed to get up. I wemt through a few schools due to moving about but in each one people noticed I could smell of wee sometimes if I wasn't allowed to go to the loo.

I cannot hold a wee in very long at all now and if I'm no where near a loo I have to go outside.

Birdsfoottrefoil · 05/05/2019 09:25

At our school kids can go to the loo whenever needed - though there is only one toilet passes per sex per class so you might need to wait for the previous child to return before picking it up to go. Even then the teachers use common sense and in infants would let a child go if need be and the pass is being used. Accidents are still pretty common in infant kids who can be so involved in something that they don’t realise they need the toilet until it is urgent.

FoxFoxSierra · 05/05/2019 09:26

Tbh even without the medical issues that policy is ridiculous, they are 6 ffs! I have never known a situation where adults are prevented from using the toilet so why is it ok for children?

JessicaWakefieldSV · 05/05/2019 09:27

Missbuxton

You don’t need to have a medical reason! When you need to go, you need to go.

There is actually an organisation that works to help make schools aware of how unhealthy it is to not allow children to drink water throughout the day and use the toilet when they need to. I had to contact them because DD’s school wouldn’t allow even young children to go to the loo and all the kids were just wetting their pants, other children told me before my own. It was disgusting. Not allowing anybody to go to the toilet when they need to is gross and completely unreasonable.

Missbuxton · 05/05/2019 09:28

@Foxfox

Teachers aren't able to go during lessons either ? I agree at 6 a little harsh.

Rumbletum2 · 05/05/2019 09:36

Good luck op. Raise hell. I’d be fuming if my child was denied the loo 😡

Goatinthegarden · 05/05/2019 09:37

@Russell19

AIBU to be confused when parents say this to me as a teacher? I can't force children to drink. I can allow them a water bottle on/under the table but I cannot squeeze it down their neck. Also, I have 29 other children potentially with other medical needs as well as trying to teach a packed lesson! (I have a box for children to put water bottles in, they have free access)

I agree to certain extent, but if there is a medical reason that they need to drink (or whatever), then I make sure to remind them until I am happy they can be trusted.

FamilyOfAliens · 05/05/2019 09:38

Raise hell?

Why do that when all you have to do us ask the school to allow her to go whenever she needs to. Which the OP admits she hasn’t done because she assumed that staff would know without her specifically asking.

tanpestryfirescreen · 05/05/2019 09:38

She still has a toilet pass now, at high school (used for getting out of dull lessons mainly)

So she is abusing the system and you know and gloat about it. What a great role model.

azulmariposa · 05/05/2019 09:40

Get a letter from the hospital or gp to back you up.
Your child will need an Individual healthcare plan- see here for more info:
www.theschoolrun.com/school-individual-healthcare-plans

shellysheridan · 05/05/2019 09:41

There's no need to raise hell. Just speak to them and explain.

Hereforthebanter · 05/05/2019 09:41

I would tell the school your daughter will be going to the toilet whenever she needs to. Going to the toilet is a basic human right. I think it’s an utter disgrace that kids as young as 6 aren’t allowed to visit the toilet during class times. My DD wet herself in class - age 6 - because her teacher wouldn’t let her go to the toilet (despite my daughter pleading with her that she was going to wet herself) I had a stern word with the teacher and told her if DD needed the toilet during class time again, she would be going whether the teacher liked it or not

Missbuxton · 05/05/2019 09:47

I have an understanding that any child with a medical condition just write their names on the board so they don't have to ask but I know where they are.

EvaHarknessRose · 05/05/2019 09:54

Ask them to give her a toilet card/pass to show to any teacher. Make sure she knows not to dilly dally or give any reason to think she is taking any advantage for it, but let her know some children need to go more often. And get her to go every break.

Missbuxton · 05/05/2019 10:16

@Jessica

I have already said if they are too young I don't agree with a no toilet during lessons rule.

Fredthefrog · 05/05/2019 10:18

Children do mess about or ask to go at the start of lessons which means they miss learning so I discourage it but if a child is obviously desperate I'd rather they went then wet themselves. U also ask if they can wait until I finish talking or for another child to come back. If children go whenever there is a chunk who will play in there. Also there are plenty of situations where both children and adults have to hold it. Teachers nurses doctors police etc. Long journeys or someone in the toilet so holding a little bit for children without medical needs is not a bad thing. I have had children with medical needs and parents simply say they need to go when they ask and I let them. Simple. No need for angry confrontations or demanding.

JessicaWakefieldSV · 05/05/2019 10:20

I have already said if they are too young I don't agree with a no toilet during lessons rule.

Age is also irrelevant. I am in my 40’s and nobody stops me from going to the toilet, we shouldn’t be doing it to children either. Of any age. It’s a disgusting infringement of basic rights

FoxFoxSierra · 05/05/2019 10:24

Fair point Missbuxton they can go between lessons though which it doesn't sound like the children can? I guarantee that at that age both of my children would have regularly wet themselves if they had only been allowed to go to the toilet at break time

Missbuxton · 05/05/2019 10:24

@Jessica

They are not holding on for hours on end. What about long car journeys as feedthefrog mentioned,do they not have to wait?

Redlocks28 · 05/05/2019 10:25

Age is also irrelevant. I am in my 40’s and nobody stops me from going to the toilet

I am also in my 40s and teaching a class of 30 reception children stop me going to the toilet whenever I want to!! I’m sure there would be outrage if I left them all to their own devices and nipped off for a wee! There are plenty of other similar jobs where you are unable to leave due to the job’s nature.

This is different though and a 6 year old with a kidney complaint needs to follow the doctor’s orders. OP, speak to the senco and get a medical care plan drawn up so that all staff are aware what is needed.

JessicaWakefieldSV · 05/05/2019 10:27

They are not holding on for hours on end. What about long car journeys as feedthefrog mentioned,do they not have to wait?

They’re not in a car, they have access to a toilet and should be free to use it. The neat thing about cars is, you can stop them and use toilets.

Missbuxton · 05/05/2019 10:29

@foxfox
Primary is not like secondary, there are no in between lessons. They can go before school, playtime,lunchtime or after school. Any child Without a medical reason shouldn't need to go more than 4 times in 6 hours.

JessicaWakefieldSV · 05/05/2019 10:31

shouldn't need to go more than 4 times in 6 hours.

Wtf? Who the hell are you to decide how many times people should be going to the loo? I go every hour.

Missbuxton · 05/05/2019 10:34

@jessica

Please don't take this the wrong way. If a child was asking every hour then I would talk the parent to see if they had an infection and advise a gp visit.

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