AIBU to demand school let my daughter go to the toilet whenever she needs to?

[Janel85]

DD is 6 and has been having repeat urine infections since November. She has had kidney ultrasound and has a mild drainage problem. Long story short ended up in hospital last night because dd caught a bug. Couldn’t keep down any water or antibiotics and hadn’t been a wee in over 12 hours. The mild kidney dilation will be investigated further but doctor thinks the reason for repeat UTIs at DDs age is likely to be down to stagnation, holding onto her wee for too long because she feels uncomfortable going at school. Spoke to DD and apparently the policy of her teacher is that the children can only use the toilet at break times and snack time and if you ask at any other time then the answer is no. I think this is making my daughter very ill and it’s wrong AIBU?

Madness! When you've got to go you've got to go. In dds school they don't ask permission to go they just tell their teacher that's where they're going.

I see from your last post that you are frustrated that the teacher hasn't relaxed the rule for your daughter without the need for you to implicitly ask. Your daughter may have had repeated infections and had antibiotics given but I think you are being harsh to assume the teacher should infer from this. Just ask. I bet she will be very accommodating. No drama needed.

I’m a primary teacher and never felt the need to stop children going to the loo. If children keep going then it’s a sign I need to check they are okay (emotionally or physically). We had bands to take it in turns and so I knew where children were but they didn’t need my permission. It’s a biological need.

Honestly just lay it out clearly and politely for the school and it won't be a problem (put it in an email or writing if you're wanting it to be a clearer paper trail).

DD2 has intermittent continence problems and at the moment we're in a bad patch - I had to broach this the other day (and normally I have no fondness for this year's teacher whatsoever) - simply told DD2 just to get up and go if she needed the loo, and emailed school to explain why and what she'd been told to do and asked if all relevant staff plus the SENCO could be copied into it... wasn't an issue - the class teacher confirmed she'd seen the email and we just had it put in place that day.

It's less disruptive to have the "get up and go" discretely system than a one where she's always just given permission when she asks - because asking and requiring a response really breaks the flow of your lesson input and usually gives 10 other kids the idea (I teach myself) which is why I phrased the request the way I did.

Just a friendly note for posters on here to remember we have our resident piss troll who gets off on tales of little children wetting themselves when teachers say no - so share personal experience warily in case you're feeding some lurker's wank bank. Not accusing the OP of this - just mentioning our regular pain in the arse resident.

OP when you next communicate with school, can I suggest that you also remind them again about the drinking?

If DD hasn’t been going to the toilet all day, then that sounds to me like she isn’t drinking enough.

I’m afraid you may need to spell it out really clearly.
DD has a medical condition.
She needs to be reminded/encouraged to drink frequently.
She also needs to be allowed to go to the toilet whenever she needs to and must not hold her urine in.

I hope she is feeling better soon

My son’s teacher did this and my son got so worried about it he was going to the toilet so often the doctor said he weakened his bladder because he wet himself in class!
Teacher agreed to make an exception and let him go to the toilet when he needed and his bladder returned to normal.
Your daughter has a medical issue and I would be surprised if the teacher did not agree with giving her what she needs.

Thanks to those who reported. We've no reason to think OP is the toilet troll, though it's fair to say this subject is a like a beacon in the night for this kind of poster - so please do report any individual posts you think are a bit off and we'll happily take a look. As you were!

I had kidney reflux as a child. Mum told me straight, if you need the tollet at school then go, sod them saying no. They soon got that it was best just to let me go for a wee.
My son in year 1 tells me that the children get house points if they don't go to the toilet during lessons! I find this bizarre.

This happened to me. I was close to losing a kidney. I was in year 8 and started just going when I needed to, no asking. It worked, they left me alone.

Yabu unless the teacher is aware. I am a primary school teacher and unless they have a doctors note no one goes to the toilet during lessons. Children leaving class is very disruptive.

Just go in and ask explicitly that she be allowed to go out to use the toilet freely. Maybe ask that you then have a conversation with dd and the class teacher so dd feels comfortable knowing she can. It really shouldn't be a big deal, but sometimes you need to be explicit in what you want to happen.

Please remember teachers aren't medical professionals. They probably didn't realise refusal to go between lunch and break will cause further problems.

It's best to have school and teacher inside and so go in positively. This is issue - this is side effects of issue- this will help. So how can we ensure dd can use toilet when needed (eg card, just to go, sign to teacher etc).

As an aside I've just asked my 14yo ds if he still has his toilet pass. He's been free of chronic condition he needed it for for 2 years - he does although they sign planner if he goes during lesson so although he's used it once or twice he obviously isn't abusing their generosity!

I would also add that it's a good idea to talk about it to the teacher in front of your daughter. To make sure you're all on the same page.
My eldest dd is very sensitive and a rule follower. At this age she was being tormented by a boy in her class but wouldn't tell the teacher as the teacher had said they were to do independent work and not interrupt her group. Now, of course the teacher meant she wanted them to work and try to do it by themselves not never speak to her again. But that's how my dd interpreted it.
I spoke to the teacher who was able to reassure my dd that if there was a problem she should definitely speak to her.
If the teacher has a few children who mess around in the toilets she may have said no-one is to go during lessons to the whole class. And your dd could think this means she will be told no.
I don't know of any teacher who would stop a child going to the toilet for medical reasons even if the rule is not during lessons.

DD has repeat UTIs (as did I and have had miserable kidney infections as an adult) and also issues with her bowel movements.

School are aware, letters from doctor means she's been given a little card which is a free pass to use the loo when needed. She knows only to use it when needed, and school have been really accommodating.

Yabu unless the teacher is aware. I am a primary school teacher and unless they have a doctors note no one goes to the toilet during lessons. Children leaving class is very disruptive.

How disgusting to prevent anyone from using the toilet when they need to. Glad my child wasn’t in your class.

My DS had a toilet pass issued, easy showed it to teacher and was excused no questions asked.

@Jessica

I would totally agree if the teacher had been aware of the ops medical condition, as I said previously.

You don't need to demand. Just explain and it will be no issue. Teachers will have dealt with similar issues many times.

I teach ks1 and the children are generally encouraged to go at breaktime and lunchtime.
I also have a rule that no one goes during carpet time as they miss vital input. I would make exceptions for poorly children or when they are desperate.

I also know which children are likely to want to go for a wander/chat and if they want to go at the same time as their friend, I ensure they go separately.

Hoping no piss trolls about....

No school will stop a child going to the toilet for medical reasons.

The majority on this thread make it seem so easy!

Up until this year we have had constant wrangled with the school about ds and toileting...and this is with an EHCP, letters from consultant and continence nurse, CAF and a care plan!!

Sometimes even with all the right things in place, individuals still get it wrong.

Good luck op. I would ask the school nurse to draw up a care plan with the senco that states your child's need and how the school are going to fulfil their duty of care.

@Hazey

So wrong to dispute it in my opinion with medical evidence. I stand by the pps who have said they know of no teacher who will refuse a child with a medical problem.

Just ask the school to give your daughter a toilet pass. I think you're making this into more than it is. I don't think you can expect staff to know that holding wee wouldn't help her kidney issues.

I sympathise as uti's are a nightmare. I've had three surgeries on my kidneys and haven't had a uti since the last op.

My daughter had the same issue, constant UTIs, needing the toilet a lot in the day, struggling to stay dry. The GP was ok, but just treated the UTI, not the underlying cause. We got a referral to the consultant when she was about 6, and a problem with the tube between the kidneys and the bladder was diagnosed (too short apparently). She was also not dry at night, which was hard for everyone. Anyway, she was put onto Oxybutinin and Desmopressin, and hurray dry and night, and in the day, and a huge reduction in UTIs. Stayed under the consultant until she was 12, by which point she was off the meds & dry.
We got the consultant to write a letter for school, and she was allowed to go to the toilet when she needed. She also kept a change of clothes in school (just in case). She still has a toilet pass now, at high school (used for getting out of dull lessons mainly )

I’m a teacher (of 8 year olds) and I never say no to pupils going to the loo. They know they are supposed to go at break and lunch. If they ask to go at a time that would be disruptive, I ask if they are able to wait 5 mins (they usually say yes, if they say no, I let them go and then have a quiet word about waiting until they are about to burst to ask - it’s a good walk to the loo!) If I have a child who asks too regularly, I usually chat to the parent to find out if there is an underlying problem.

I rarely have a problem with this system - maybe one or two children ask during class time each day.

If your child needs to drink more water, make sure the teacher knows. I currently have a pupil who needs to drink a required amount each day, and if I didn’t keep an eye on her water bottle and remind her several times a day, she wouldn’t drink anything.

Parents absolutely must communicate the needs of their child clearly, directly to the teacher, rather than just assuming they will know what is required.

(Don't know how to make bold) *OP when you next communicate with school, can I suggest that you also remind them again about the drinking?

If DD hasn’t been going to the toilet all day, then that sounds to me like she isn’t drinking enough.*

AIBU to be confused when parents say this to me as a teacher? I can't force children to drink. I can allow them a water bottle on/under the table but I cannot squeeze it down their neck. Also, I have 29 other children potentially with other medical needs as well as trying to teach a packed lesson! (I have a box for children to put water bottles in, they have free access)

Can our children take a slight bit of responsibility themselves? Especially for something so simple as drinking?!