Engagement party disaster

[tonymac]

NC as potentially outing.

I had my engagement party on Saturday and it descended into slight chaos. To me, usual family drama, which ended up in a bit of a scuffle - my partner was joint equally to blame for it all - along with some random distant cousin who I've not seen for years.

I was annoyed, ofcourse I was - but I've been around long enough to know these things happen. I'd have preferred it didn't obviously, but I had a bit of a moan when we got home, and then put it behind me and forgot about it. It was an excellent night bar 5 minutes at the end and for me, it can all be forgotten about.

However, one of my friends (who was right in about it all and gave my stepfather a total mouthful of abuse for telling her to go away and stop antagonising the situation) just won't let it go. She's messaging me daily asking how things are and if my partner is still trying to make it up to me. Going on and on about how ridiculous she thinks the whole situation was and how she's so hurt for me. I do appreciate her concern and I know she's just looking out for me, but all I really want to do is forget about it. It's water off a ducks back for me and what's annoying me most is everyone still talking about it a week later.

AIBU to tell her for the millionth time that it's fine and I'm over it and no I'm not leaving DP for it, only with a sprinkling of back the heck off before we fall out included this time?

Your friend seems to be enjoying the drama and trying to add fuel to keep it going. I would upfront with her,tell her you're fine and that she doesn't need to keep asking as its getting annoying and everyone has sorted it out

Other than to ask her why she placed herself in the middle of the antics, making it worse and giving your SF a mouthful of vile abuse, I would ignore her trying to milk the situation.

People who say they have never, EVER witnessed or HEARD OF such a thing really boggle my mind.

Boggle away. Of course I have heard of such a thing, hasn't everyone? but have NEVER witnessed it. Thankfully.

In answer to your actual question I don't think this "friend" is a real friend and I would send one last, rather more forceful reply and then block her for a while.

And from now on, not trust her motives on anything.

People are just pointing out that the wide eyed astonishment at a punch up at a party is naive

Again, you can't seem to get your head around the fact that there are many, many people going through life without witnessing punch-ups at parties at all.

Congratulations OP. Hope your wedding is scuffle free.
As for your friend, it sounds like she's genuinely concerned for you. If were my friend I'd be checking in with you regularly too. Your normal is clearly not her normal so your dismissal of a fight at your engagement party is probably a cause for concern

But you don’t have to witness them to realise they happen do you?

Teddy fighting at the drop of a hat is obviously not acceptable. But in all honesty I think that sometimes you do have to defend yourself in life. Ideally it doesn't get physical, but occasionally it might. My rule in life (and my dad's) is not to be the one who starts it, but if someone goes for you it's more than okay to hit back.
My dad always told my brother to hit back when he was a kid - walking away just encourages bullying. Standing up for yourself often deters future issues with people who will pick on those they perceive to be weak.

But you don’t have to witness them to realise they happen do you?

Good lord. Of course you don't.

But likewise, you do realise there are people who move in circles where fisticuffs and slanging matches don't happen at all ...?

No fighting / effing / blinding is also normal for many people, much as we're aware that it does go on.

I'm just reminded of the film 'ROADHOUSE', where Patrick Swayze and his door-minding cohort have just bounced 100+ heads off the ceiling and the owner who's hired him to 'clean the place up' says... "Well, nobody died".

It's not 'normal' in my circles either OP but, circumstances. People are referencing their own engagement parties, family get-togethers and not finding common ground with you. I don't either, but I can see that whatever anybody says, you will not see your fiancé in any light other than you perceive.

Know though that your friend's perception doesn't mean she's wrong, just that you don't agree with her.

The OP's minimising of events is embarrassing. Multiple punches being thrown isn't some little non-event scuffle as you've deluded yourself into believing.

Your annoyance with your friend is due to her not allowing you to live peacefully in your delusions.

I have never witnessed a punch up at any of my families parties. I still wouldn’t be patronising and smug enough to go on at OP that I can’t possibly understand why she thinks it’s normal for her family with faux innocence. Maybe you don’t realise how some of these posts come across

OP a 'scuffle' is a bit of pushing and shoving. Not a full blown fight with fists. It seems to me like you friend is quite sheltered in the same way most of us here are and finds a full on bar fight quite distressing. I don't blame her, it's not what I am used to, and I'd probably be shaking with nerves and fear if that happened at my engagement party. It doesn't sound good if you are so used to it that you can't see that your reaction is out of the usual for most of us. It seems like you are desensitised to physical violence and don't understand that your friend, like most of us, finds it quite distressing and upsetting. Maybe ask your friend if she is ok, as it sounds like she is in shock or stunned or something.

My dad always told my brother to hit back when he was a kid - walking away just encourages bullying. Standing up for yourself often deters future issues with people who will pick on those they perceive to be weak.

These are grown adults not kids in the schoolyard and given it is a diatant cousin in law to be, unlikely to be a long standing grudge or part of a pattern of conflict.

The op's fiance would have got more kudos and approval from the majority of people in the room if he'd turned to the cousin and said 'I'm not going to talk about this as it isn't the time or the place' and removed himself from the situation rather than rucking with him at his own engagement party. He would have come across as the mature adult dealing with thuggish behaviour appropriately and calmly not someone cut from the same cloth.

“The op's fiance would have got more kudos and approval from the majority of people in the room if he'd turned to the cousin and said 'I'm not going to talk about this as it isn't the time or the place' and removed himself from the situation rather than rucking with him at his own engagement party. He would have come across as the mature adult dealing with thuggish behaviour appropriately and calmly not someone cut from the same cloth.”

You have literally no idea what happened 🤣🤣 so this post is just rubbish

If the friend was sheltered and found it distressing, why did she get involved? And shout abuse at OP's stepfather?

That, is a very good question, Sagradafamilar Somebody oh-so-concerned at violent behaviour wouldn't throw themselves into the middle of a skirmish (or whatever) between two grown men.

I suspect a drama-fest fuelled by alcohol and people.

Was it a full on bar fight though? A scuffle with a couple of drunken fists thrown about is a very different situation to one where somebody gets properly beaten and ends up actually hurt. The latter would be very worrying, especially if it was part of a wider pattern of behaviour. The former could just be people having a bit too much to drink. Or maybe the cousin was really rude and the fiance felt he had to respond.
Whole it's obviously not ideal, I don't think it automatically means the fiance is a problem. Also this 'friend' was sticking her oar in a fair bit - she's not an innocent bystander with no involvement.

I would find any violence at any family gathering very distressing and upsetting. Bloody hell. What’s normal for you might be traumatic for anyone else. Maybe you should look at their behaviour as not ‘water’ of a ducks back - maybe it’s time to find a different pond to swim in.

Surely it’s the friend you should be advising to find a different pond to swim in Labrador? She’s the one you’re suggesting is traumatised, not OP.

But then, she’s not here to hear your advice and also as others have said, seems to have been right in there enjoying herself anyway

You have literally no idea what happened 🤣🤣 so this post is just rubbish

It's you that's talking rubbish, if you'd read the e op's initial post she says her fiance was equally to blame:

“- my partner was joint equally to blame for it all - along with some random distant cousin who I've not seen for years."

Which doesn't suggest someone who was the innocent victim of an unprovoked attack, but someone equally responsible for what unfolded.

But how would you know how the other guests would react to the fiancés behaviour? You clearly state he would’ve got more kudos and approval from the majority of people in the room
If he did xyz. You’ve got no idea. For all you know the majority of people were cheering him on

I don't think YABU with regard to your friend. She doesn't half love the drama does she? She would have more credibility if she hadn't been involved in the situation.

I had (had!) a friend like that, who when anything bad happened to me would bring it up well after I had moved on. Not fights, but for example when I was stood up for a date, she brought it up again and again. When I lost out on a job, again it would be mentioned by her for far longer than necessary. In the end I realised she was actually relishing the fact something had gone wrong in my life. I would be wary of the friend.

But how would you know how the other guests would react to the fiancés behaviour?

Because as this thread has drmonstrated, most people would regard the sight of two grown men having a punch up at a family gathering slmewhere on a spectrum of embarrassment to revulsion. Some people have reported it at other family gatherings, but no one on tbe thread has said 'yep i didn't like my Uncle Bob much but he's really gone up in my estimation since he stuck the nut on my Uncle Kev at my child's christening party.'

Even if you regard those on thread as sheltered or unrepresentative, have you ever heard anyone going to a family gathering say beflrehamd, 'i really hope two idiots who are old enough to know better create a needless drama by having a massive barney and start swinging their fists at oneanother,'?

No, me neither.

The wide eyed my social circles are nothing like yours, you chav who should be on Jeremy Kyle, you're Shameless is making me sprain my eyeballs.

I absolutely hate, and also judge, men getting violent but enough with the wide eyed faux naïveté already.

If you ever read a MN thread about bad behaviour at weddings and Christmas parties, you'll know full well this behaviour is not carried out solely by a particular group (and people on this thread may as well come right out and say the words they want to - lower classes or even poor people.

I've been on my fair share of these threads as I used to work in a professional, male dominated industry and the Christmas parties and even the "Summer Balls" were legendary for their terrible behaviour (to the point the company actually stopped serving alcohol and eventually even holding them altogether).The amount of drugs, drunken fights, being barred from places, the police being called, drunken accidents and injuries...and these were professional people who were definitely not "Shameless" stereotypes.

If you're looking for a common denominator, I believe the vast majority of perpetrators of violence at social gatherings (and in society generally) are related to peoples' sex not their class.