Engagement party disaster

[tonymac]

NC as potentially outing.

I had my engagement party on Saturday and it descended into slight chaos. To me, usual family drama, which ended up in a bit of a scuffle - my partner was joint equally to blame for it all - along with some random distant cousin who I've not seen for years.

I was annoyed, ofcourse I was - but I've been around long enough to know these things happen. I'd have preferred it didn't obviously, but I had a bit of a moan when we got home, and then put it behind me and forgot about it. It was an excellent night bar 5 minutes at the end and for me, it can all be forgotten about.

However, one of my friends (who was right in about it all and gave my stepfather a total mouthful of abuse for telling her to go away and stop antagonising the situation) just won't let it go. She's messaging me daily asking how things are and if my partner is still trying to make it up to me. Going on and on about how ridiculous she thinks the whole situation was and how she's so hurt for me. I do appreciate her concern and I know she's just looking out for me, but all I really want to do is forget about it. It's water off a ducks back for me and what's annoying me most is everyone still talking about it a week later.

AIBU to tell her for the millionth time that it's fine and I'm over it and no I'm not leaving DP for it, only with a sprinkling of back the heck off before we fall out included this time?

Sounds like she think she should be more involved in the resolution just as with the fight.

Can't you just say I don't want to talk about it anymore ?

Arf at Mumsnet World, ControversialFerret. That's exactly it.

Scuffles happen all the time, everywhere there is a bit of testosterone and a bit of drink. Wedding receptions, christenings, matches, commuter trains, kebab queues, public demonstrations, Christmas parties, beaches...

People who say they have never, EVER witnessed or HEARD OF such a thing really boggle my mind.

I am imagining Elizabeth Bennett's middle sister, the plain and pompous one who sat at home all the time reading and making profound pronouncements about the world.

Wannabe Elizabeth Bennett’s middle sister more like

She doesn't sound concerned, she sounds like she loves drama. She jumped into the fight, antagonizing things and mouthing off at the sober person who told her to stay out of it. Now she's doing the same over text.

"My fiance and i are fine, the whole family is past this argument. Please stop asking about it, there are no issues and i want to stop talking about it"

If she persists

"Right, I've been diplomatic but your behaviour was just as bad and antagonistic that night. Ive given you the benefit of the doubt, but you seemed to enjoy the drama then and your constant attempts to make more are seriously jeopardizing our friendship. Do not raise this again unless it's to apologise to my stepdad for being do rude to him."

I dont see fights as scuffles either but your friend is not concerned for you, she's being a stirrer.

However, most families and social networks do have an idea who need to be kept an eye on and intervened with – and given a look or walked outside or told to behave. Perhaps that's the difference my social circle people jump in and sort it before punches get thrown as it’s not considered acceptable behaviour.

Exactly

@FunkyKingston yes but in this case it was the op’s future husband at a party meant to celebrate his future marriage. Surely you would agree this is different to a couple of distant family members no body wanted there. Surely the fiancé should have had a level of self control.

Absolutely take and I'd be concermed about marrying someone who resorts tl physical violence so readily in public, how they'll behave in private.

Threads like this also bring out the judgemental pearl clutchers, who relish the opportunity to stick the boot in about every aspect of the OP's life. All dressed up as sorrowful concern. The only thing that's missing is someone saying that they feel sorry for her kids...

There's a lot of overreacting on this thread. I don't believe for one minute that a poster up thread would end their relationship if their fiance got into a fight. And if they would, more fool them. The circumstances in which it happened are crucial. It doesn't mean the fiance is violent, at home or otherwise. The OP has judged that it's a storm in a tea cup and that should be good enough for everyone else. May be different if the friend had witnessed lots of dodgy behaviour from the fiance but this doesn't seem to be the case.
My dad wouldn't take any shit from anyone and had a wicked temper if someone behaved badly towards him - he has never raised a hand to any of us at home and was the best, most gentle husband and father.
So I would once again tell her that all is sorted and she has nothing to be concerned about and then I would refuse to talk about it. She sounds like she enjoys the drama.

judgemental pearl clutchers

I really don’t think that expressing concern about the massive red flag about the op marrying a man who would behave in such a pitiful way. You really think that it is anyway acceptable to turn what should be a lovely party with the whole family celebrating the upcoming marriage. You honestly think to carry on in that way???

If you're so sure of this (shocking, violent) engagement party situation OP, why are you posting under AIBU?

*is acceptable

To everyone exclaiming this isn't normal, no probably not in your family - OP has already stated on numerous occasions its normal for hers.

And the friend doesn't seem so traumatised and upset at it if she's hurling mouthfuls of abuse at people to be honest.

OP, I'd answer other comments from your friend but maintain silence on any further attempts to extend the drama. She'll get the message in the end.

@IWannaSeeHowItEnds I’m not sure if you’re referring to me there but I will be very clear here and say if my husband was getting in to scuffles and ‘not taking any shit’ I very much would end it and he knows that. He has a quick temper and that’s why he got into the ‘scuffle’ which is basically a fight when we met and that is why it has never ever happened again. Mainly because I’m a grown up and I think it’s dangerous, he could end up in a ‘scuffle’ with someone and get killed or end up in prison for assault. It’s not worth it in any way, shape or form. We have to be grown up and walking away in the presence of people ‘giving you shit’ and by the way since it’s important to you I’d also describe my dad as a loving, kind and gentle man. Couldn’t want for a more supportive dad. He was also a professional boxer and had trained boxers in his own club in a very deprived area. I would also describe him as being tough but his priority would be getting himself out and us out of a potentially dangerous situation. Not proving how tough he is. Depends how you view the word tough I suppose, the hard thing is to walk away a lot of the time.

You and I have wildly different ideas of how we want the people around us to behave. I’m fine with that.

@shiveringtimber isn't that the whole point of AIBU? 'Here's a situation, here's how I dealt with it, was that unreasonable?' I fail to see what other purpose such threads have if it's not that. Some people agreed, many disagreed and that's fine - I get a better idea of my own unreasonableness...?

What @TeddybearBaby said

@StealthPolarBear
“Op this is not normal. Rare disagreements at our family parties are resolved with a lip tightening.”

Beautiful.

While I'm fully aware that the word is full of Shameless types, who love a scuffle and a punch-up - even though that's not, and never has been, part of my normal...

There seems to be a significant number of people who cannot wrap their heads around the notion that for many, many people, get-togethers can involve people, alcohol, high jinks, raucous good times ... but no fisticuffs or slanging matches. At all.

Maybe some of you need to get out a bit more, and move outside your somewhat (let's be frank, quite feral) circles.

Thanks to everyone for the more supportive responses, and for reassuring me that I'm not a complete bam!

I get that it might not be no big deal to most and that's why I reiterated in my OP that to me and my immediate family its not unheard of and was looking for responses in light of that

Sounds like your friend is trying to pierce your denial.

Of course your prerogative to ignore the situation.

Your post doesn’t make any sense Yemen. Literally NOONE has said events always end in fisticuffs. The vast majority, of course, don’t. How thick do you think people are?

People are just pointing out that the wide eyed astonishment at a punch up at a party is naive

I think you should find out what started it. Maybe your friend heard the opening gambit and thinks that's the issue, not the fight in itself. Has DF says what prompted him to wade in?

She obviously found something about it upsetting/concerning and you are assuming it was the punching. If she was involved, it might be something else she's worrying about.

TSSDNCOP's was hugely funny. All the other 'and I' posts, not so much.

If OP wanted to forget it all, she'd tell friend to stop it and that would be that. OP obviously likes a bit of drama herself. There are those that just do.

You know what to do, OP. Stop twirling your toe in the sand and do it - or just keep posting bits to see if you can get this thread up to 1000 posts. It has potential.

I think there's far too much focus on the word "normal" here. For many people, this is a normal (common) part of their culture. There are plenty of other normal (common) things to many of us... substance abuse, coercive control, child abuse to name just a few. Normal. But dysfunctional, damaging, and it would certainly concern me if a friend was brushing off this behaviour by her husband to be as trivial and harmless. It may be normal to some, but that doesn't make it ok.

She probably comes from a normal family and was shocked by the Jeremy Kyle theme to your engagement party - I would be too! I would also be hoping you didn’t marry the violent drunk