Engagement party disaster

[tonymac]

NC as potentially outing.

I had my engagement party on Saturday and it descended into slight chaos. To me, usual family drama, which ended up in a bit of a scuffle - my partner was joint equally to blame for it all - along with some random distant cousin who I've not seen for years.

I was annoyed, ofcourse I was - but I've been around long enough to know these things happen. I'd have preferred it didn't obviously, but I had a bit of a moan when we got home, and then put it behind me and forgot about it. It was an excellent night bar 5 minutes at the end and for me, it can all be forgotten about.

However, one of my friends (who was right in about it all and gave my stepfather a total mouthful of abuse for telling her to go away and stop antagonising the situation) just won't let it go. She's messaging me daily asking how things are and if my partner is still trying to make it up to me. Going on and on about how ridiculous she thinks the whole situation was and how she's so hurt for me. I do appreciate her concern and I know she's just looking out for me, but all I really want to do is forget about it. It's water off a ducks back for me and what's annoying me most is everyone still talking about it a week later.

AIBU to tell her for the millionth time that it's fine and I'm over it and no I'm not leaving DP for it, only with a sprinkling of back the heck off before we fall out included this time?

Exactly - by the time it descends to neandethals swinging punches, everyone (even though of us sheltered from this sort of thing) knows it's game over, and time to call it a night.

It’s very possible the majority of people were cheering him on, Passthecherrycoke. Op has breezily announced it’s perfectly normal for her family / social circle, and seems amazed that anyone should find it otherwise.
I’d certainly give the whole shower of them a wide berth.

It would happen in my family, and we are from very working class/humble beginnings. But I do know of other families where this kind of thing does happen, and in my experience they are generally a bit rough/common/chavvy.

Not sure how believable I find this thread. First of all, as Rumpole wrote

Any —real— solicitor would know (in reference to the documentary about how one punch can kill) that the issues would have nothing to do with contributory negligence and eggshell skulls, before a civil court but rather manslaughter and self defence before a criminal one.

Secondly, the OP claims to not even know what the 'scuffle' was about. Is that not one of the first things one would ask the fiancé?! Unless this sort of thing happens all the time over the most minor comment maybe...

Haven’t rtft but I can say with absolute certainty that if my partner got into a punch-up at any party let alone my engagement party it would be game over for me.

The man is clearly nothing more than a violent thug but if you come from a family where this is seen to be the norm then clearly violence is part and parcel of who you are which is why you are failing to see it for what it is. Is this how you will be raising your children? To respond to conflict with their fists?

The only reason why most people would go to the wedding would be to see the next spectacle IMO.

I can see why your friend is irritating you because responding to her means admitting that you believe this kind of thing to be normal when it blatantly isn’t.

Loving all the outraged from Tunbridge Wells responses

OP how good a friend is this? She got in the middle of a family argument, made the situation far worse and insulted your uncle so badly he can't even repeat what she said and now she just won't let it drop. I'd be telling her that she owes your uncle an apology and after that it is considered forgotten and you don't want to hear another word about it. The way she is behaving sounds like she is actively trying to split you and your bf up. You need to tell her to back off.

But it's over and done with, both parties have apologised and cleared the air. It happens, and if everyone's made their peace and nobody is hurt then there's nothing more to discuss.

The posts about the friend being concerned and trying to point our red flags to the OP are laughable - given that she was the one hurling abuse at OP's perfectly sober stepfather who had intervened and was calming things down.

There's a very unpleasant class undertone to some of the responses on this thread - the references to Jeremy Kyle and so on.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds I hear what you’re saying but that’s not what this is. At most all it could be is that the cousin has said something offensive or taken offence to something fiancé has said. None of that kind of nonsense is bullying and needs ‘standing up to’ imo. A guy said to my brother in law at a christening last week ‘fuck you’ we all ‘lol’ and said what an idiot. He could have gotten into a drunken brawl but I think that’s best avoided. I think 9 times out of 10 these things can be avoided, it just depends how you choose to react.

I told the op that I can see how it happens, I’m not completely shocked by it but it wouldn’t be something I’d shrug my shoulders to, I’d be livid. I wouldn’t think it was nonsense or silliness I’d think it was a whole host of things, one of them being a reflection of me and I’m not having that.

I just dont believe the OP at no point has asked or been told what this was about.

If dp got in a fight, it would be my first question. 'What's was that about?'

The friend maybe a drama llama. But if my friends fiance was involved in this and she just keeps saying she wanted to sweep it under the rug and that she didnt know what it was about and didnt want to know what it was about, I would be thinking that theres something else going on (such as she darent question the fiance) and that she was burying her head in the sand about him.

I’m a working class girl form a welsh town, and have attended a lot of parties, engagements, weddings, christenings and leaving parties. Only once I’ve ever seen a punch being thrown and that was at an 18th birthday party, 20 odd years ago.

Never have I known a ‘scuffle’ breakout and punches being thrown at an ‘adult party’ never mind it being usual/ normal. OP your friend has a point. Maybe you should get out more?

Can't say my family have ever caused a "scuffle" is it really that common? Perhaps it's just not very normal to her, it wouldn't be for me.

OP I hope you’re ok. Try to ignore your mate, good luck with the wedding.

I feel sad for you OP if you feel that a rumpus at a family gathering is nothing out of the ordinary for you.
Clearly your friend is used to better behavior at social occasions.
Its all a bit 'low life' really

I feel sad for you OP if you feel that a rumpus at a family gathering is nothing out of the ordinary for you.

I know, what joyous memories any children of this relationship will have, watching their dad brawling with other members of their family at future social gatherings. Lovely.

I have worked with the public. It exposes you to behaviour that I would have thought was incredibly rare and sadly does not seem to be as rare as it should be. Parents calling toddlers "fucking cunts". Parents teaching their kids to shoplift. Just a few examples. So yes I can believe that those who work in pubs or at events have seen plenty of fights, including at family events.

That does not mean it is okay. Just as I would have nothing to do with a man who called a toddler a "fucking cunt", I would have nothing to do with a man who threw around punches at a family do. And I have been to lots of parties and never seen a scuffle or punch up.

So yes OP I do think your idea of what is normal and okay is very skewed.
My DP is very strong and has big hands, he has been hit over an argument about a taxi in a taxi queue. He never physically retaliates and says it is because he fears if he punched someone, he could kill them. The only time I think he would ever punch someone is if they were hurting me or his family, and it would be purely in defence. He has dealt with drunk people at parties i.e. getting them outside and persuading them to get a taxi home. He is good at spotting people who may become a problem and persuading them to go home/to bed.

My family are from the lower orders but the worst it gets at a gathering is flared nostrils and someone criticising the curtains.

Maybe the friend that won't stop banging on about it knows what the altarcation was about and is hoping you will ask her so she can have 'the conversation'. You might be spectacularly missing the point here OP?

Some people get excited by drama and rows, and want to keep it going - she sounds like one of them. It's a sort of vicarious pleasure and if this is really annoying you then ring her or see her face to face and say that it is over, and you don't want to hear any more about what was not a pleasant part of the evening. If she keeps on after that I would block her number - she is then doing this for herself and not you.

I had similar when involved in court dealings due to being cheated financially by a company years ago; a 'friend' was avid to hear what had happened with every letter from the solicitor, and kept telling me how she thought they weren't acting in my best interests - encouraging she wasn't. It was all resolved but she then kept on about how much better they could have dealt with it - I had to distance myself in the end as it had been so traumatic and in spite of telling her I was happy with the outcome as it had been resolved completely in my favour, she was like a dog with a bone - and clearly enjoying going on and on!

People coked off their tits tend to fight rather than drunks. Drunks normally aren't all that capable of instagating

Bullshit. Plenty of fights break out due to excessive drink. Alcohol makes some people aggressive, including my ex.

Think I would say 'I just want to move on from this now' (even though it 's not a big deal for you) 'it just makes me feel worse to keep going on about it - let's just drop it now - and thanks for caring about me!!!'

Wow, thats a good start to an in pending marriage, can’t wait for the wedding, it just shows a total disregard and disrespect for you and the occasion, fact your playing it down if really worrying I’m afraid I would of read the riot act.

Just for reference, I've never been to a family party (in fact any party) when a punch, has been thrown in my life.

Wow. OP, you’re getting a really hard time here! These things do occasionally happen and more often than not are soon forgotten. Your friend likes the drama. Definitely ask her if she’s apologised to your uncle, that’ll shut her up!

Just tell your friend that you won't discuss it any further - if she continues messaging about it, ignore it, or just ask about her and keep deflecting.

I'm also one who has never been to any event/party etc where anyone has thrown a punch, especially an adult - surely it's not as normal as you're making out - I'd be off like a shot if anything like that happened

Many years ago I worked evenings in a dive of a pub with the worst reputation in my home town, only for a few months. The clientele was very working class, at least in their 30’s and mostly older. Lots of swearing, alcoholism, consumption of 10 pints in a sitting and some vile misogynistic banter etc. I don’t remember one fight and anyone mouthing off was quickly ejected. All that to say I don’t think it’s necessarily all down to “class” but also the culture. The landlady was no nonsense.

I don’t think the behaviour of your family was normal and I’m sure had they been in a place like this pub, frequented exclusively by locals, your cousin and dp would have managed to restrain themselves.