Engagement party disaster

[tonymac]

NC as potentially outing.

I had my engagement party on Saturday and it descended into slight chaos. To me, usual family drama, which ended up in a bit of a scuffle - my partner was joint equally to blame for it all - along with some random distant cousin who I've not seen for years.

I was annoyed, ofcourse I was - but I've been around long enough to know these things happen. I'd have preferred it didn't obviously, but I had a bit of a moan when we got home, and then put it behind me and forgot about it. It was an excellent night bar 5 minutes at the end and for me, it can all be forgotten about.

However, one of my friends (who was right in about it all and gave my stepfather a total mouthful of abuse for telling her to go away and stop antagonising the situation) just won't let it go. She's messaging me daily asking how things are and if my partner is still trying to make it up to me. Going on and on about how ridiculous she thinks the whole situation was and how she's so hurt for me. I do appreciate her concern and I know she's just looking out for me, but all I really want to do is forget about it. It's water off a ducks back for me and what's annoying me most is everyone still talking about it a week later.

AIBU to tell her for the millionth time that it's fine and I'm over it and no I'm not leaving DP for it, only with a sprinkling of back the heck off before we fall out included this time?

@TheGrey1houndSpeaks you're putting quite a lot of words in my mouth there...

Not once did I say that it happens at 'all my social excursions', or anything similar... I just said I've seen it happen before, on a number of occasions.

Also I've never once in my life thrown a punch, so I'm happily at neither end of your spectrum.

“There’s quite a range of behaviour between “stuck up snob” and punch throwing baboon, op.”

OP hasn’t thrown any punches though.

Why is she being blamed for the behaviour of others?

I think some Mumsnetters mustn't get out very much.

OP tell your friend that its 9ver and done with and you don't want to hear about it again.

punch throwing baboon

It was op who said stuck up snob. She seems to think these behaviours are par for the course for anyone who isn’t a stuck up snob
And she’s not being blamed for the behaviour of others, but one of the “others” was her fiancé and she’s thinks it’s perfectly normal.

The wedding will be a riot

Can I have an invite to the wedding?

TheGrey1houndSpeaks -No she wasn’t, she was referring to the posters who expressed disbelief that a solicitor could possibly know people who had been involved in a boozy punch up

At no point did she say anyone who didn’t have boozy punch ups is a stuck up snob

I've been to a lot of weddings and parties and never once seen anyone hit each other. Unless it was totally in self defense, it would be the end of the relationship for me if my husband punched anyone and if my cousin hit my husband I wouldn't see him again either. I was also be hugely mortified that happened at my engagement party and wouldn't appreciate being reminded of it as I'd feel awful, not 'water off a duck's back'.

The title says party disaster which implies it was wrecked, not that the Op will have fond memories.

I think Op it maybe acceptable to you but to many people it is toxic behaviour.

Were they arguing about the gift selection in the Argos catalogue?

As ever, MN is a window into another world.

I'm 45, and have never been to an even where a 'scuffle' has broken out, or punches thrown. Either by strangers or someone I'm betrothed to. Alcohol has always been present.

That’s funny I think the same Yemen. I’m can’t imagine getting to 45 and not realising pub punch ups happen.

This is shocking. Your friend sounds lovely, caring and worth holding on to your fiancé on the other hand…

The fact that you would think an engagement party descending into violence is in anyway ok is shocking. It is disgraceful that a small group of utterly pathetic attention seekers who have no self control managed to overshadow what should have been a joyful occasion. I would be very much considering what you would be getting yourself into if your future husband decided that the appropriate way to behave was to get into a scrap with his cousin at the actual engagement party- wow.

My family are more the swear at each other kind when drunk. DHs family when drunk are a lot more physical.

At first it was really shocking to me as it is if you aren't used to it. Of course i had seen fights with friends, school mates etc but not within family.

First time I drank at DHs house his brother threatened to punch me. Nice christening of fire.

Now, I'm kind of a bit more detached from it. I've just always told DH it will not happen in front of the DC and if any family member hurts him or I, I'm NC.

Thing is they are protective and would do anything for each other. Dynamics can be unusual sometimes.

I'd just not reply to any messages mentioning it, OP. If she asks about how your evening was last night reply or if she asks if you watched a show on tv, reply. If she brings that night up just don't respond - she will get the message.

NB: DHs family don't always fight and the arguments my family have where swearing/shouting are involved is v rare, but not completely unheard of.

Oh and do not have said cousin at wedding.

Well the title includes the word 'disaster', so I do feel as though your replies are downplaying the scuffle a bit.

I would also be a bit concerned about the wedding incase things go adrift...

Back to the main question, I would just tell your friend honestly that you understand and appreciate her concern, but want to lay the issue to rest as that's what you and your fiancé have decided. Not sure how that would be unreasonable. If she doesn't shut up, I would then turn it around and ask her what really was said between her and SF 😬

I take it the distant cousin is not coming to the wedding then?

I can see why your friend is concerned - it can be very distressing to see fisticuffs from someone when you've never seen them in that state before - and she may be worried that you are in an abusive relationship and afraid to disclose.

Maybe give her a BIT more background and then tell her that she has to stop because there is NO problem now, your fiancé is ashamed of his behaviour and there will be no recurrence because the antagonist is not coming to the wedding.

When we moved over to Australia, we stayed with MIL for a few weeks while we got the house ready - then DH's brother moved back, and within a week had started a drunken fight with DH, at the dinner table, with his mother, me and our baby all present. It was full-on - punches, wrestling, furniture throwing - but it was a one-off, and I knew it was. Police were involved (because of the baby) and BIL was taken to court and put under the Aussie equivalent of a restraining order. I didn't leave DH over his part in the fight - he didn't start it, and the situation was never going to arise again (and hasn't).

When people have too much to drink at a special party like this in my not that sheltered experience they : find somewhere to have a restorative nap or ; start talking too loudly or animatedly before their partner gives them A Look or a discreet kick - and then they find somewhere for a nap ; or, at worst, minor dancing or singing breaks out and the host gives up and goes and has a nap.

The ‘Pff, just a little brawling, nothing to be bothered about in the least ‘ laid back attitude doesn’t ring true.......

I cba reading every reply so there’s a good chance someone else has mentioned this but... she was giving your step dad a right mouthful of abuse?! Why are so many people saying she’s probably not used to altercations when OP has said she was right in about it?!

Is the distant cousin a usual problem?!
I would just message her and kindly ask her to let it go. Who doesn’t have arguments... an engagement party is a cause for celebration and often times people take the drinking too far!! This can too many times cause arguments 🤷🏻‍♀️ if the bride and groom to be are happy to let it go, so should everyone else.

People saying this flags up issues with the relationship need to get a grip!!!

I don’t know your friends motives but if my friend’s fiancé had punched a relative at his own engagement party and my friend was brushing it off, I’d be concerned about possible violence at other times.

Of course punch-ups happen, they're just not routine in my world.

If the bride and groom are happy to let it go. The groom was one of the protagonists.

but I've been around long enough to know these things happen

Never at any social event I've been a part of. Certainly not just something I'd 'expect' to happen. It really depends on how high you set your bar. By your excuses, language etc it is easy to see where yours sits.

Cannot wait for the wedding thread. Or article. Whichever.

I'm over it, fiancé doesn't hate my cousin, the air has been cleared between them, my dad is happy, my parent in laws are fine.

Cousin would never have been invited to the wedding in the first place, he's a distant relative. Only invited him because I bumped into him by chance at a funeral recently and said he should come along, so that's not an issue.

Everyone is fine. Except friend who, despite my frequent reassurances that everything is ok, remains outraged by what she witnessed and, by all accounts, fuelled.

Is it really so outrageous to expect her to respect my wishes and let it go in these circumstances?