Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Engagement party disaster

316 replies

tonymac · 03/05/2019 22:15

NC as potentially outing.

I had my engagement party on Saturday and it descended into slight chaos. To me, usual family drama, which ended up in a bit of a scuffle - my partner was joint equally to blame for it all - along with some random distant cousin who I've not seen for years.

I was annoyed, ofcourse I was - but I've been around long enough to know these things happen. I'd have preferred it didn't obviously, but I had a bit of a moan when we got home, and then put it behind me and forgot about it. It was an excellent night bar 5 minutes at the end and for me, it can all be forgotten about.

However, one of my friends (who was right in about it all and gave my stepfather a total mouthful of abuse for telling her to go away and stop antagonising the situation) just won't let it go. She's messaging me daily asking how things are and if my partner is still trying to make it up to me. Going on and on about how ridiculous she thinks the whole situation was and how she's so hurt for me. I do appreciate her concern and I know she's just looking out for me, but all I really want to do is forget about it. It's water off a ducks back for me and what's annoying me most is everyone still talking about it a week later.

AIBU to tell her for the millionth time that it's fine and I'm over it and no I'm not leaving DP for it, only with a sprinkling of back the heck off before we fall out included this time?

OP posts:
BloomedAgain · 04/05/2019 01:10

Why not ask the fiancé what sparked the scuffle.

Pandamodium · 04/05/2019 02:39

In DH's family the only rule is no fighting at funerals. In fact before his late aunts funeral (god rest her soul) earlier this year I witnessed MIL ring all 9 of her still living younger siblings to remind them of said rule and the consequences of any trouble.

There's nowt as strange as other people's family lives and it's best to keep well alone imo.

Passthecherrycoke · 04/05/2019 03:14

“Of course punch-ups happen, they're just not routine in my world.”

I’m finding these sorts of responses really weird. They’re not routine in your world.... so??? What does that matter? We’re not talking about your world.
If you’re saying you therefore can’t help the OP what’s the point in replying?

AlessandroVasectomi · 04/05/2019 03:34

To judge properly, I think we need a diagram. Oh wait, that’s parking threads...

Marchitectmummy · 04/05/2019 04:09

It's incredible how accepting you sound of this behaviour. I think I would be more concerned at my soon to be husband wanting to hit others then a distant relative to be honest. The distant relative you didn't choose the husband to be you have.

Do you want someone who articulates through violence to live with? I imagine that's your friends concern for you.

InceyWinceyette · 04/05/2019 04:22

LOL, I would never describe ‘throwing punches ‘ as a ‘scuffle’. It’s a fight. And I have never ever been at a family or social event where anyone had a scuffle or fight.

However your friend is being a pain and seems to be hooked into the drama. Her own behaviour sounds inflammatory, and I would reply “I don’t know what it is you want by continuing the discussion . It is beginning to feel as if you are wanting to keep the drama going. Your own part in swearing at my uncle was also not appreciated. As far as I am concerned from now on what happened at the party stays at the party and we need to move on”

Rabbitmug · 04/05/2019 07:51

Platypus I love napping being the answer when everything gets a bit lively! 😆

RiversDisguise · 04/05/2019 07:55

My husband's family has a particular branch where they are six brothers who fight each other every chance they get... now in their what, 50s? 60s? Lol

Can I come to your wedding? Grin

Sounds like your mate is milking it for drama at this point

sakura06 · 04/05/2019 07:59

I would just ask your friend to stop asking and tell her honestly you'd like to forget it.

Personally I'd want to know why it happened and would be pretty annoyed with all concerned, but different strokes and all that...

luckylavender · 04/05/2019 08:03

Gosh, if I were your friend I'd be very concerned too.

Vulpine · 04/05/2019 08:06

I've hardly ever witnessed a punch up so I'm guessing what she saw has really disturbed her. That's understandable

NameUserChange · 04/05/2019 08:08

I don't even know what it was over, but I've definitely seen a lot worse on many many occasions

Really? I too have also never witnessed a fight at a family party (or any). My family certainly aren't saints, plenty of cattiness and fallings out but at a family do people just keep their mouth shut or even, shock, grit their teeth and are polite but avoid each other where they can. I've never ever seen a punch thrown. Your family dynamics are clearly different and as you seem ok with that will continue to be so. A text saying "honestly it's no big deal in my family so you need to move on" would have sufficed and then don't expect her attend any other family party.

NameUserChange · 04/05/2019 08:11

rough as a badger's arse,

Brilliant, this will be my new go to saying Wink

Qweenbee · 04/05/2019 08:13

I can't believe that this isnt unusual behaviour in your circles and you are so blase about it all?

If she was still going on about it months later then you might have a point. It's only been a week.

BlueJava · 04/05/2019 08:15

I think YABU. Your engagement party ended up in a bit of a scuffle - and your partner was joint equally to blame. Major red flag. I wouldn't be marrying anyone who did that.

Fluffycloudland77 · 04/05/2019 08:15

Don’t invite anyone from work to your wedding. No matter how liberal you think they are.

It all sounds very Jeremy Kyle-esque.

Katterinaballerina · 04/05/2019 08:17

How very different from the home life of our own dear Queen.

pinkdelight · 04/05/2019 08:24

I think it's interesting that you're focusing on how your friend is ruining what was a great night for you that you want to remember fondly, when in fact your fiancé and family member who fought were the ones who ruined it. But you're happy to forget that, and are just angry at being reminded. It's a pretty fucked up thought process.

PeakedTooEarly · 04/05/2019 08:25

It depends on the people of course. Some people haven't enjoyed themselves unless blood and a dental bill is involved. Others get sniffy if a pizza box isn't immediately crushed flat and put in the recycling.
I would text said friend and say "Nah, we're all good thanks".

HeddaGarbled · 04/05/2019 08:26

I’m not convinced that there being plenty of mitigating factors will be enough consolation if your fiancé accidentally kills or seriously injures someone at a party, will it?

I’m not trying to be over-dramatic here, it’s just that what lots of people think is a bit of a drunken scuffle and no harm done can occasionally have life-changing consequences, and you can’t predict which incident will go very badly wrong.

Your fiancé (and cousin, but presumably you have less influence over him), needs to learn how to manage conflict in a less aggressive way.

londonrach · 04/05/2019 08:28

Tbh if i was your friend id be vvv worried about you. Hàs your finance ever hurt yôu. This is not normal behaviour. A weeks not long to talk about it. I suspect it be mentioned years later. If you think its nothing im even more worried about you. Are you safe op

PinguForPresident · 04/05/2019 08:30

It's really not normal to have punch ups at social events. If I were your friend I'd be concerned about how you're normalising it.

I'm in my 40s, I've done a lot of socialising over the last 30-odd years. I've never seen a punch up and my family members have certainly never been involved in one. It's horrible.

Your friend's outlook is far more normal than yours, OP.

JE87 · 04/05/2019 08:30

OP I bet you wished you never asked 😂

Frouby · 04/05/2019 08:31

Meh OP, just tell her that it's all over and done with, everyone has moved on and she should do the same.

It happens in our family too. The problem with families is every arsehole has to be related to someone. We have Uncle Knobhead, a couple of weird cousins, 1 of my sisters is a complete gob shite and 2 of my BILs are wankers though 1 has split up with dsis.

I got married last year. And was surprised that there wasn't any arguements or fall outs at the hen, stag or actual wedding. But that was because everyone was warned before and were on their best behaviour.

And the very worst behaviour I have ever seen was on a work conference years ago. 5 star hotel, all senior banking staff apart from a few younger folk like me invited along to see what we could get if we worked really hard. It was carnage. Area managers brawling. Senior, very married older managers prowling around trying it on with the younger staff (including me), half of them disappearing every 20 minutes to powder their noses. Made Shameless look like an episode of Playschool.

Bluntness100 · 04/05/2019 08:31

Gosh. Your fiancé had a fist fight at your engagement part and you've seen this numerous times and think it's no unusual.

I'm not sure who you socialise with, and I'm no snob, but I can categorically assure you punch ups are the norm. And yes they are unusual.

Your friend should indeed let it go, as clearly you're all good with people battering each other. But I think a lot of people would be quite shocked by it, unless it's the cast of shameless.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.