To ask for hilariously crap excuses you’ve been given?

[MatildaTheCat]

I will start with one I recently received.

I have an old school friend who I have very sporadic contact with via email. When I contacted her for a catch up recently I made some reference to ‘we must get together some time,’ as you do.

She emailed me back a few days later with her news but added that she couldn’t commit to getting together this year because last year a pipe in her (adult) daughter’s bedroom had leaked and she needed to decorate her room. She doesn’t have a job or any dependent children just to be clear.

If she’d ignored that comment although or said she was up to her eyes in it OR even said ‘not really into meeting up’ I wouldn’t have cared at all.

It made me laugh anyway. So what totally silly excuses have you been offered?

An interviewee called to say they wouldn't be able to make their interview time as they'd been hit by a bus.

We thought shit, hope they're ok. Everyone showed lots of concern etc I was genuinely really worried about them and felt sick when we took the call....they did get the job and turned out to be the worlds biggest bullshitter. It was draining keeping up with every extravagant excuse and lie.

Ahh ok, reading the posts I don't think I got the direction of the thread

I mean being hit by a bus would be a pretty solid excuse...

Some excellently crap, lame and stupid examples of rubbish excuses.

Thanks, I’ve enjoyed read your cringeworthy offerings and happy to know I’m not alone.

Great Northern and Thameslink trains cancelled north of the river as they had run out of trains because of an incident in Redhill. So a colleague could not get home to Luton.

But that's exactly what would happen if the northbound Thameslink trains got stuck South of Redhill...

Anyway, my oldest (and neediest) friend didn't come to my 40th because her feet were hurting

Ahh ok, reading the posts I don't think I got the direction of the thread

Well, this is a thread of excuses.

I laughed at these at the time because they were so fucking pathetic.

Context: An alcoholic and former Heroin user, claiming to be completely sober.

Reason for going out: These chips are shit. I'm going to get proper ones.
Reason for being out for four hours: I got mugged for my chips, wallet and phone and was scared to come home without any chips when I regained consciousness.
Reason for there being half a kebab shoved in the kitchen bin: after I got mugged, the man in the chip shop felt sorry for me and went to the kebab shop to buy me some food because my chips were on the floor. forgetting that the chips had apparently been stolen
Reason for his wallet being in the bottom of his backpack: After I regained consciousness and the man in the chip shop went to buy me a kebab, I found my wallet in the middle of the road where they must have thrown it.
Reason for there still being money in said wallet: I had it in my pocket.
Reason why the muggers didn't take the money from his pocket as well as his chips and phone: It was actually in my shoe, I forgot because I'd been unconscious and my head hurts and I feel really dizzy now...
[Mobile Phone Rings] Oh, they must have dropped it in my backpack when they took my chips forgetting they're supposed to be on the pavement now
Reason why the phone is in a side pocket underneath a can of Tennants Extra: The kebab shop man gave it to me as a free gift and I wanted to be polite when he'd given me a burger.
Reason why the chips turned into a kebab and now a burger: My head hurts, I feel dizzy, I've got concussion, WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME WHEN I'VE BEEN MUGGED AND NEARLY DIED, I need some of your prescription painkillers because I've had three paracetamol and they don't do shit.
Reason why it's acceptable to demand somebody else's prescription medication in any circumstance, never mind when it also contains paracetamol: YOU'RE BEING HORRIBLE YOU WANT ME TO BE IN PAIN, PARACETAMOL IS ALL A CONSPIRACY, IT DOESN'T WORK AND IT ISN'T DANGEROUS, I USED TO TAKE 50 A DAY AND HEROIN AND I WAS FINE DO YOU WANT ME TO GO BACK OUT AND SCORE SOME HEROIN BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING TO DO BECAUSE YOU MADE ME AND YOU'RE LAUGHING AT ME WHEN MY DAD DIED SEVEN YEARS AGO.

He was ejected from the premises and rarely seen again, bar a bit of stalking/harassment, an attempt to bully and guilt his way into moving in by deliberately making himself homeless twice, an entry using stolen/duplicated keys and then a fake/blatantly pretend suicide attempt.

But the pathetic nature of the lies and excuses was funny, as I'd already decided after the Shit Chips excuse that all the suspicions were right, he was going to be waved off home on a pretext and told never to come back.

My parents, who decided to come to visit the country we live in while we were overseas elsewhere on sabbatical, then "had to get back home" to their country, the day before we would arrive home.

Apparently it was because there was a very important production on at my niece's school, that they had to go and see. I assumed niece had a starring role. Turned out it was a senior school production, they knew no-one in it, niece knew no-one in it, my mother "just fancied going" and my niece didn't even go!

This year it's "oh we have some really good concert tickets booked in May; and you did say that your DH's work schedule is very busy from July to October". They're going on 6 other holidays, 2 overseas, this year.

I've lived overseas since 2000, spent thousands every year visiting them (and they're too busy to see me most of hte time when I visit), and they have visited me a grand total of 4 times in 19 years - all of which were "oh well we now have an excuse to visit you because you're actually somewhere we WANT to visit".

We were visiting family in the UK last year (we live in australia). My sister was not able to come and visit us in our home town because it was unfair for her kids to be in the car that long - 3 hours. So we drove to visit her - taking our young daughter. That was okay apparently because we had already travelled so far it wasn't unfair on dd (logic?!). Shortly after our visit they went on their holidays to Scotland by car - 9 hours.

My brother summed it well. Nephew suffers from selective car sickness brought on by the destination.

My best friend and her partner missed my engagement party.
BF said he'd been too busy and stressed with his job (window cleaning) and they were just going to drive to the New Forest and sit and read as 'he really needs to do that'

I've just remembered the best! When I was working in a shop. Teenage co worker came in late because he lived in an apartment in an old building and ' a ghost messed with the main door and I couldn't get out'.
Then says to me to try and get me on his side 'well you understand, AllToo, you're into all that spooky stuff, aren't you? You know what spirits can get up to?"

Need for this as details are very specific. Am longstanding MNer.

I had a teaching rounds student who seemed OK. I gave her the unit of work the children would be starting on, everything prepped so she could devote herself to managing a class, etc.

We were to meet after the Christmas holidays and I said I'd meet her at X o'clock on Y, etc. She said she might not make it as there was a prophecy that the world would have ended by then. I'm proud to say I didn't bat an eyelid but said, with grim emphasis: "Nevertheless, I will meet you at X o'clock on Y."

NCed, not need.

I fucked up my own story.

What I said was: "Nevertheless, I'll meet you in the smoking ruins at X o'clock on Y".

Much better.

A kid at school wasn't able to come in one day because his motorbike was broken and according to his mum "he doesn't do the bus".

Once I was on bus duty and reminding the kids to tap on with their travel card. One girl earnestly told me "I can't miss because I don't have one" and hopped on the bus anyway.

One student told me the reason that they couldn't send in an assignment was because they were on holiday in LA and the broadband didn't work!

Also the number of times i have heard of parents claiming a "personality clash" between their child and the teacher is the reason for said child's appalling behaviour.

Once a parent paid for a psychologist to prove that a teacher had caused sufficient emotional distress to their daughter to get them moved to a different class. An example of such treatment by the teacher was that the teacher would not allow the student to interrupt her while the teacher was talking.

Someone close to me was terminally ill and was planning to go to his favourite football team one last time. The relative that used to take him as a kid was home from Greece as they come three months a year. They couldn’t go to the football with him because the flight on Sunday was £50 dearer than the flight on Friday. Then when his wife offered to pay the difference they said the Sunday flight was at a really awkward time.

They then posted on Facebook how sad that it ‘hadn’t worked out’ for them to go when he died and enraged his widow.

Sorry I missed a detail:
One student told me the reason that they couldn't send in an assignment was because they were on holiday in LA and the broadband didn't work! I was told this by email.

When my Dad got dementia and eventually had to go into a home, my Mum asked his cousin (his closest relative) if she could come and visit him every so often

You and your mum are his closest relatives.

@Shodan did she apologise?

ABlether - my aunt used to work in our nearby town, I'm guessing you're scots too from username? Anyway not uncommon to get snowed in round these parts but my aunt lives in the worst village for this AND it's 10 miles away. Her colleagues who lived in walking distance were scuppered if they tried to call in saying they couldn't get in as boss would be like "well 'Graphista's aunts' in so if she can get in the rest of you's have no excuse" didn't exactly make her popular but she's a grafter and it wouldn't have occured to her not to go in if she could.

Another aunt called in sick to go on a protest march (it was the 70's), it's one thing to call in sick and be caught accidentally on tv, quite another to think it could possibly be a good idea to give an interview to the local news 😂 yes she was sacked. Grandparents less than impressed (she was still living at home) not least because as my granda put it "being lazy is one thing, definitely didnae think we'd raised ye tae be an utter numpty!" Family still rip her for it now! One of my uncles recently tracked down the interview on youtube 😂😂

My sister (we're now Nc for this and many other reasons) is totally flaky, the amount of 999 level emergencies, burst water mains, shop thefts, lost keys meaning she was locked in the house, car breakdowns/not starting... She's witnessed/had over the years make her a candidate for the unluckiest traveler ever! At times for my own entertainment I played along "that's the 3rd time that cars broken down this month you've only had it 2 months take it back" then she'd come out with a load more excuses why that wasn't necessary or worse she'd tried and they'd ripped her off! I'm fairly sure her bullshit must have seriously affected at least one local business. 😡

Namechange - wouldn't surprise me at all if that were my sister, exactly the kind of nonsense she comes out with!

As a boss/manager I've heard loads, usually of the "food poisoning" when they have a hangover variety - I think the bravest was the girl who couldn' come in because her boyfriend had a cold, even though he wasn't off sick it was in case he did get sicker and needed her care 🙃

The daftest was "a cat broke in and now it won't leave, I can't leave it here in case it breaks something" 😂😂

When I was 11, first year of senior school, a girl from my class called just before Christmas to ask if I'd like to go round to play. I panicked, didn't know her that well and was a bit shy, and said I couldn't because we were dressing the Christmas tree and I needed to do the lights (this was actually true, but my parents could have managed without my help!!)

Felt a bit bad about that, but we went on to be friends anyway.

@Summersunsareglowing

Marcopront
"he had to go somewhere and do something."

Was it his polite way of saying he had to go for a poo? 

It's possible but given his crap parenting (at the time) and general evasiveness I doubt it.

My son was 4. I asked him to put his toys away in his toy box. He said he couldn't because they would be lonely.

When my marriage broke up, a few school mum friends seemed to find it a bit horrifying. I remember trying to sort out a play date with one mum (in about June) and she texted me to say she was really sorry but she was "busy for the whole of the summer"! You do find out who your real friends are in times of stress I think.

A woman I worked with had told everyone how she had been off work for a hysterectomy and kept having days off because of the upset of not having children. Needless to say we were all a bit shocked the next year when she announced her pregnancy.

These are some true ones of mine - I'm a wee bit accident prone.

Going to be late because dog has a swollen testicle and needs emergency trip to vet (turned out to be cancer).

Not coming in - was making salad for lunch and cut my fingernail in half vertically. Need to find a dr that's open (it was 6.30 am). Don't know what they can do - you can't stitch a nail - but it hurts!

Won't be in tomorrow someone just wrote my car off. I was 10 cars back from a red light and car behind me thought stopping was optional. I had a bad concussion.

Won't be in, took a cropper off the horse and put a huge hole in the muscle in my shoulder - can't lift arm.

Won't be in, took a cropper off the horse and tore muscle, ligament and cartilage off my ribs.

Showed up to work and boss asked why I didn't call in sick. I'd been walking home from work the day before and literally face planted into the footpath. No reason, just clumsy. Bruised face, skin off all over, quite a mess really.