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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL demanding to have 3 month old overnight

484 replies

ClareSleepy · 03/05/2019 15:59

Please help me reason with DH my MIL has set up her home like a nursery and has been pressuring to have DD at her place overnight practically since she was born. DH is manipulated by her and always tells me he feels so sorry for her. I've told MIL she can visit us and see her granddaughter whenever she likes but she whinges to DH and plays the victim that she can't have DD overnight at her place. I'm made out to be the villain for saying no and DH and I have just argued again about it it's getting me so down. What can I say to make them both back off?

OP posts:
hammeringinmyhead · 03/05/2019 16:51

No thank you, I'm not ready and I don't know when I will be. Repeat. I've been away from mine for no longer than 3 hours and he is 6 months old.

TheTrollFairy · 03/05/2019 16:51

^^

No, that is all you need to say. 3 months is crazy early and I’m pretty relaxed about this sort of thing

SunshineCake · 03/05/2019 16:52

My in-laws would have DC1 for 2-3 hours from around two years old but he didn't sleep there until four.

Tell them both, sat at the same table, that dc is your child and while you appreciate dh is the father this is your call. You don't appreciate them pressuring you and it needs to stop right now otherwise X will happen.

Cottonwoolmouth · 03/05/2019 16:54

Clare just say to your Dh

The pair of you are really starting to piss me off - it’s not happening, tell her to get over it

The next time he starts - just walk out of the room, don’t even entertain a discussion on it.

HollowTalk · 03/05/2019 16:55

I'd be blunt and say, "Sorry, but the baby won't want you in the middle of the night. She'll want her mum. Don't you remember H wanting you when he was that age?"

NerdyBird · 03/05/2019 16:55

My dd is nearly 5 and has never stayed away from home without either me or DH (or both). We've only left her overnight once, when she was nearly 4, and she was looked after in our home by family. I'm still not ready to let her stay elsewhere without a parent! I don't think she is really either.

You must stay firm if it's not what you want. The example of young babies usually being over 2 before overnighting with their non-resident parent is a good one, and the point about them not being able to respect your wishes by stopping asking reduces your trust in them.

KC225 · 03/05/2019 16:55

How old was your DH before she let him stay away the night?

Mummylovesbags · 03/05/2019 16:55

She can have my toddler overnight if she wants

DogInATent · 03/05/2019 16:56

MIL has set up her home like a nursery

I think I saw that movie. It didn't end well.

ATrumpIsAFart · 03/05/2019 16:58

No. Just be very blunt and tell your DH no, and he can deal with his mother because pretending it's going to happen is just giving her false thoughts that it will happen.

Mine are 7yo and have never stayed with my MIL. I don't trust her tbh. They way she went on with DN, playing mummy and going out of her way to, creeped me out tbh. So when we had ours I already had my guards up. All down to the way she behaved.

ThatsTheLastISawOfHim · 03/05/2019 17:00

I'd get the HV involved to advocate on your behalf. This may be the only way to get through to your DH!

INeedAFlerken · 03/05/2019 17:02

Just say no.

And tell your DH that not only is it a no, because your daughter is far too young and you're not having it, but MIL may end up NEVER having her over alone if this pressurising doesn't stop immediately. YOU are the parent, not MIL. She's had her chance at motherhood. And you won't be entrusting your child to the care of someone who can't take no for an answer and follow your lead on what you are comfortable with when it comes your DH. Because that makes her untrustworthy.

And be clear that if your DH doesn't start backing you on this immediately, then your marriage is in real trouble. He is a grown up. He married you. You are his family. He needs to tell his mother she is out of line for demanding anything when it comes to your child.

SugarPlumLairy2 · 03/05/2019 17:03

YANBU.

just NO. The persons who matters most here are you and baby, not MIL wanting to play mummy, not DH wanting to be hims mummy’s best boy and give her your baby😡

Tell them both “NO. Baby stays with mother. I can think of no healthy reason why an adullt would want to spend a night alone with a baby that wasn’t theirs” Stop asking, stop visiting, let it be made VERY clear that you find their behaviour disturbing, selfish and frankly a bit predatory. Then baby wear every time jealous granny comes to visit. She needs to learn boundaries.

Co grays on your LO, good luck with MIL

Chottie · 03/05/2019 17:04

No, no, no x 1000 times

OP - I completely agree with you and I am a MiL

Do not be bambozzled into doing anything you do not want to do. You are the mother and your baby needs you - not your MiL.........

bumtickler · 03/05/2019 17:04

OP why did MIL make a nursery? was this ever questioned? what were her reasons? what doe FIL have to say?

MashPotatoMashPotato · 03/05/2019 17:06

Buy her a tiny tears if you wants to play at being mummy again. If you don’t want your daughter to stay overnight without you it’s up to you, you don’t even need an excuse. You’re the mother, she follows your lead. There’s nothing to say to them, you don’t want her to stay over, end of discussion.

loveskaka · 03/05/2019 17:07

My ds is 17 months and my mil still hasn't had him overnight because this exact reason, the more she pushes the the more resistant I get! (My mum hasn't had him due to ill health) My ds was 2 months premature and she ask if she could take him out the second day he was home from the hospital (4 weeks in hospital) and it was very heavy snow also 🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️. Stand your ground! I dnt understand why grans especially MILs want to take newborn away from there mothers! And this garbage 'oh I will give u a break, 1- I won't relax if he's not with me and 2- he's only been here a few weeks I dnt need a break! .

Caplin · 03/05/2019 17:08

So this was basically my mother in law, full nursery set up before I even gave birth. It was very overwhelming. My hubby didn’t get involved in discussion though.

I left dd1 with her for a few hours in the day from about 4 mths, just occasionally when I needed a break as DD was high maintenance. At around 6 mths we left her overnight to go to a wedding. I think she was there overnight about three times in year 1.

Roll on 9 years another DD and two cousins and there are times my mil regrets beings so keen to have them all so often! Now she moans about being put upon and being taken advantage of 😂

Me and H are happy to regularly chuck the kids to theirs for a sleepover whilst we go out partying.

Basically, do what you want when you are ready, but keep an eye on the future when you might be grateful to off load them. Don’t burn bridges just yet.

AmeriAnn · 03/05/2019 17:09

I would have lost my mind if I had been separated from my babies at such a young age. I'd have leaked milk all over the place and had been to anxious to function.

It's called maternal instincts.

SugarPlumLairy2 · 03/05/2019 17:09

Also... my MIL, (with whom I already had a strained relationship as she was a pretty awful mum to her own son- my Dh) suddenly decided she wanted to have my son all to herself when he was tiny and, after being firmly told several times no, she actually threw a tantrum, demanding to know exactly when he could stay over without me (she practically spat the words out😂) . The answer was a firm “when he can afford to put petrol in his own car” ... it was lovely... like a scene from Scanners ... her head nearly exploded.

I confess it’s one of my “happy place” thoughts 😂

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 03/05/2019 17:10

I am sorry MIL I know how excited you are about having baby and I know she/he will be looked after by you amazingly but I am sorry I am not ready to take that step yet.....I have discussed this with my health visitor who also advises me it is slightly too soon in the bonding process....I only bring this up now because I know how understanding you will be....end conversation...nice polite and straightforward bull shit OP ....do what you like when you like with your child and do not feel bad!

Fluffycloudland77 · 03/05/2019 17:10

Does she want her own child back to practice on?. It’s sounding like he’s not fully done yet.

Honestly who thinks it’s acceptable to separate a young baby from its mother?.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 03/05/2019 17:12

Tell them that it will happened when Dd says she wants to stay over with MIL.

Quartz2208 · 03/05/2019 17:14

Tell him he may feel sorry but his daughters and wife’s needs trump his mothers. When/if you are both ready you will let them know and if he continues to push that will be never

lisamac28 · 03/05/2019 17:14

I can think of no healthy reason why an adullt would want to spend a night alone with a baby that wasn’t theirs” Stop asking, stop visiting, let it be made VERY clear that you find their behaviour disturbing, selfish and frankly a bit predatory. Then baby wear every time jealous granny comes to visit. She needs to learn boundaries

It's really not disturbing for a grandparent to want to spend time with their grandchildren.

OP I also agree that baby is too young. I would just keep repeating that when you and baby are ready for sleepovers, you'll let her know and until then can she please stop pressuring you.

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