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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL demanding to have 3 month old overnight

484 replies

ClareSleepy · 03/05/2019 15:59

Please help me reason with DH my MIL has set up her home like a nursery and has been pressuring to have DD at her place overnight practically since she was born. DH is manipulated by her and always tells me he feels so sorry for her. I've told MIL she can visit us and see her granddaughter whenever she likes but she whinges to DH and plays the victim that she can't have DD overnight at her place. I'm made out to be the villain for saying no and DH and I have just argued again about it it's getting me so down. What can I say to make them both back off?

OP posts:

havingtochangeusernameagain · 03/05/2019 16:34

I think my son was quite old before he stayed at my mum's without us. She came and stayed overnight at our place though, but I think he was 4 before we left him overnight. People on this thread might think that extreme, I think it was just the way things worked out, but certainly I don't think there's any issue with refusing at 3 months old.

Once you stop breastfeeding (at night) that's the time to consider it. You've not said if you are breastfeeding - if you aren't it does give you a bit less ammunition, but even so, you're the mum, it's your choice.

Your DH needs to support you.

diddl · 03/05/2019 16:35

"If your DH feels sorry for his mum he should take her out to cheer her up."

Yup!

He's an absolute idiot for considering handing his baby over just to shut his mum up.

Maybe83 · 03/05/2019 16:35

Sorry your choice and all that but the "it's not normal to want to be away from your 12 week old for even one night" is not bullshit.

I was perfectly happy to leave my kids for a night with their nanny at that age as have my friends.

If your not then don't.

MissConductUS · 03/05/2019 16:36

What is it with MIL's obsessing about time alone with their infant grandchildren? I have literally never heard of this happening outside of MN. Is it a UK cultural thing? If I had suggested an overnight with the baby to my MIL she would have thought I had lost my mind.

bumtickler · 03/05/2019 16:36

call your health visitor explain all of what youve said here including PND? make sure she calls dp directly / appointment when he is there. Shell put him straight and his mother.

If you`re self diagnosing or if already diagnosed by by HCP make an appointment with dp present .

They will give him a stern talking to.

bumtickler · 03/05/2019 16:37

its not usual or normal here in th UK either! Just some grandma`s seem to get "dolly syndrome"!

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 03/05/2019 16:38

My DM asked recently if we needed a break as she was happy to have DS overnight, she's already had DN2 over night four times and she's not quite six months old!
I said we didn't need a break, I'm on maternity leave for another seven months and don't anticipate any childcare needs before I go back to work (which she's already offered and we've discussed and does not involve over night), she knows me well enough not to ask again.

Flamingosnbears · 03/05/2019 16:38

Have a serious chat with your Husband and explain how you feel, you know best your mum.

tinstar · 03/05/2019 16:38

I went through similar with ds1 (who's now 25 ) and my MIL. Fortunately she lived 300 miles away so overnights were out of the question. But didn't stop her taking him out 'for a couple of hours' when they came to visit. If I asked where they were going they'd be vague. I wasn't allowed to go with them because 'it would be good for me to have a break'. They'd keep him out for hours and hours (he was breastfed) and never think to ring me to say they'd be late.

My older self looks back and thinks, 'fgs - why didn't you just put your foot down and be firm with them?' But it's so hard when people feel their wants trump everything and ignore your obvious unhappiness. I'm quite sure when/if I become a MIL my DIL will think I'm indifferent because I'll be so anxious not to appear pushy or do anything she may not be happy with!!

And before anyone asks what harm could my MIL have done, this is the woman who put ds down for a nap on a high bed with nothing to stop him rolling off; who tried to give him cow's milk at 6 weeks ('to give me a break ...') and who I found trying to push a chocolate biscuit into his mouth at the same age...

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 03/05/2019 16:39

@bumtickler I really think it is in some groups, SILs friends all regularly leave tiny babies with grandparents over night from 6-8 weeks old, they all FF by choice to facilitate this.

Holidayshopping · 03/05/2019 16:40

You need to tell your DH to support you here.

MissingInActionYouSay · 03/05/2019 16:41

Tell your mother in law that you totally understand her need to mother, then send your wet lettuce of a husband back to live with her. Make sure he knows that if this carries on, he WILL be going back to be her baby as YOUR baby belongs with you.

PamelaX · 03/05/2019 16:41

if she want a baby overnight let her to have your DH overnight...he's the big baby here.

best post of the thread

Katterinaballerina · 03/05/2019 16:41

I understand why some grandparents are keen to have the baby overnight, being prime carer and having the all the joy of a small baby without the accumulated sleepless nights, pressure on their relationship and everything they own being covered in milky sick. I don’t understand why some push it when it’s obvious that the mother doesn’t want to be away from her baby.

I’m sorry your MIL is adding pressure and causing friction between you and your DH when you’re already feeling low.

PregnantSea · 03/05/2019 16:41

12 weeks is awfully young to be staying overnight away from parents. I would say no too. She sounds extremely annoying but don't forget there will come a time when this desperation to separate you from your DC will be useful - when she's a bit older you will want a babysitter so you can go out and do with things with DH. So try to remain tactful and polite when telling her it's too soon to do sleepovers.

Thetreeonthehill · 03/05/2019 16:43

I agree with everyone who’s said news the time to be very clear and very firm about this.

When DGD was born I told DD & DSIL that if ever they wanted me to look after her overnight I’d be very happy to do it. When she first stayed over she was about 4 months but that was entirely their suggestion. I absolutely adore my DGC but their parents know where I am if they want either me to stay at theirs or for them to come to me.

DD knows I’ll always look after them and when she asks I do. I just don’t get this thing where grandparents seem to expect or demand/nag to have their DGC overnight, especially when they’re tiny. It’s just not on.

IndianaJonesAndTheTempleOfDoom · 03/05/2019 16:44

@starfishy

3 aftwr due date could be only a week old!

cuppycakey · 03/05/2019 16:44

YANBU

However, you do have a DH problem here. You need to lay it out straight. He is a dad now, and he needs prioritise the needs of his wife and child.

bigbadbadger · 03/05/2019 16:47

Find your inner battle axe and 'snap' now. be very clear. "I have said no, stop asking"

Then if they bring it up get up, take your baby and leave the room immediately. She'll learn who is in charge and stop this crap.

Other members of my family still get all this nonsense from PIL but tehy leave us alone. I am sure she slags me off but life is far too short to care :)

Mummyshark2018 · 03/05/2019 16:47

What Is the issue? Dd being away from you or that you don't trust mil? Personally I would've loved someone to give me a night off when dc was a baby! She'll prob do it once and realise how hard it is getting up in the night!

Slicedpineapple · 03/05/2019 16:48

Tell her you will suggest babysitting when you feel the time is right and everyone is ready, as 3 months is very young. Ask her to stop asking you in the mean time.

If she asks again, let her know that every single time she pressures you, it makes you feel less inclined to leave LO with her because she can't respect your most basic of wishes.

If she asks again, tell her to piss off.

Meanwhile, have a chat with your DH who needs to get a back bone and support his wife.

Sewrainbow · 03/05/2019 16:48

Just say no way and the more you go on about the less likely it is to happen - very bullying behaviour.

And yes to dh going back to her nursery for a night or two

user1486915549 · 03/05/2019 16:49

“ Demanding “ to take my child , whatever their age, would put my back up and always lead to NO.
Is this wierd demanding thing from MIL of baby sleepovers only on MN ?
I have never heard of it in real life.

Slicedpineapple · 03/05/2019 16:50

Don't have experience of other countries but I think it's a sort of competition thing, as generally new mothers will feel comfortable leaving their little ones with their own mothers before they leave them with ILs. So the ILs feel put out and start piling on the pressure, knowing they wouldn't get asked first.

TheTrollFairy · 03/05/2019 16:50

No. That is all yo

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