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Original poster

MIL demanding to have 3 month old overnight

484 replies

ClareSleepy · 03/05/2019 15:59

Please help me reason with DH my MIL has set up her home like a nursery and has been pressuring to have DD at her place overnight practically since she was born. DH is manipulated by her and always tells me he feels so sorry for her. I've told MIL she can visit us and see her granddaughter whenever she likes but she whinges to DH and plays the victim that she can't have DD overnight at her place. I'm made out to be the villain for saying no and DH and I have just argued again about it it's getting me so down. What can I say to make them both back off?

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 06/05/2019 12:43

And wtf is an "our little family" mantra anyway?

spikeymama · 06/05/2019 12:48

God..this brings back so many memories, though possibly another thread to the conversation. My MIL a good one in many ways but a controlling victim. My DC's are now 14 and 15 yrs..I'm 46..married for 22yrs. So much happens. I stayed at home with my two, so no nursery etc. I surprised myself, I thought I would go back to work but the moment I had my first DC, abs no way..which was agreed by DH and myself. Biting me on the bum now though (the other thread). DF...you gave birth to DC and like all of us on here potentially risked our lives to do so. Your DH, like mine doesn't agree with the fact that as the mother YOU get to decide and yes, YOU are in charge. The law say's it. Tell MIL how grateful/ impressed you are that she has gone to the nursery effort...but be v. clear...when YOU are ready. I totally agree with the other ladies on here who say MILs had their time. They chose their ways..if they regret them...don't dare try and make things up via us and ours. I'm not sure if this helps, but please, please stand your ground. I'm prob alot further down the line than you and I KNOW your time now is so important. I'll prob start that other thread now...might be a bit sweary though. Stay strong xxx

BertrandRussell · 06/05/2019 12:52

“They chose their ways..if they regret them...don't dare try and make things up via us and ours.”

Blimey! Talk about pathologising a grandparent’s relationship with their grandchildren!

Cyw2018 · 06/05/2019 12:53

We went to visit PIL when DD was 2 days old. MIL "offered" to take DD out around the block (to show off to neighbours) when DH and I were getting ready to take the dog for a walk. My face must have dropped, as before I could even react DH firmly told MIL that DD was coming on the walk with us, picked up the wrap sling and tied it around himself.

The boundary was set in place there and then, and MIL hasn't been a a problem since.

DD is 15 months now and last time we visited, MIL asked if we were leaving DD, who was happily playing in the garden, there whilst DH and I took the dog for a walk, I replied that I hadn't even thought about it, but yeah sure, why not? DD had a great time (as she is through the worst of the separation anxiety and ready to be left), MIL had a great time, as she just played with DD and didn't have to console her, and DH and I had a great time as we were both totally relaxed about the situation, and the dog had a great time because he always does!!

As others have already said... DD won't be staying away from me or DH overnight until she is able to understand the situation, communicate her wishes, and get something positive for herself out of the experience.

Alsohuman · 06/05/2019 12:55

The “our little family” mantra is the twee one spouted here so often to describe the nuclear unit where kids apparently have no family except their parents and are better cared for by a completely useless father than a loving child centred granny or aunt. The complete opposite of my family, thank goodness.

BertrandRussell · 06/05/2019 13:05

Doesn’t have to be a useless father. Just the idea that nobody but the parents are allowed to get any fun out of children-“she’s had her turn”. Or the vile “playing mummy”- when in most cases (not all-but most)-what she wants to do is be a grandmother. And the idea that men in particular should detach themselves from their family of origin or they are mocked as “mummy’s boys” who need to “cut the apron strings” and be on his partner’s side whether he agrees or not.....

AssassinatedBeauty · 06/05/2019 13:09

Clearly not everyone has aunts/uncles or grandparents, some people really do only have themselves and their children. Not sure why fathers are being cast as completely useless?

But, that's not the point. The point is that it's not a binary choice between the child being permanently with its mother, or being looked after by grandma on its own overnight from a few weeks old!

Alsohuman · 06/05/2019 13:11

You asked what the mantra was. You’ve been told. Twice.

SnuggyBuggy · 06/05/2019 13:17

Having a tiny baby overnight outside of an emergency is definitely playing mummy, not being a normal grandma. It's not in the babies interest at all to be away from their mum at that age.

As someone said earlier maybe it is why our breastfeeding rates are crap if there are families that expect tiny babies to be shared around like dolls.

Mumtobe1608 · 06/05/2019 16:19

This. You may not want your DD to stay overnight now. But as she grows you may want to enjoy social occasions without her. My husband and I have our daughters stay over with their grandparents once a month. We take this opportunity to go out together and enjoy each others company child free. We equally enjoy going out as a family but this time is well needed time alone. My in laws also look after our children during the week and help with appointments and assemblies when we are unable to attend due to work. This goodwill is worth investing in x

Morgan12 · 06/05/2019 16:42

All you can do is continue to say no until you are ready. DH could be a bit more understanding though.

Both my children stayed out for the first time at 6 weeks. DS is 10 months and has probably stayed out around 7 times already. Each to their own in these situations.

PBobs · 07/05/2019 13:40

@Arken how weird that you would think I was directing my post at you. Very odd. I was merely commenting on some of the very extreme responses on here. Not sure why you would think I'd think leaving children with family if you need to or want to is batshit. But there are a fair few quite entitled sounding posts on here that do seem weird to me.

I shall enjoy parenting most of the time I hope. But I'm not the type to be a helicopter parent so I shall disappoint you on that count I'm afraid. I also live several thousand miles away from any grandparent so leaving my child with them for a 2 hour hair appointment may be a little less than practical.

PBobs · 07/05/2019 13:41

PS Are you always this angry?

Ferret27 · 07/05/2019 22:19

Well put Bertrandrussell...

Snuggybuggy ... grow up ... not one sensible point made ...

IABUQueen · 07/05/2019 22:21

Absolutely not.. don’t even promise for the future:.. you are the mother and unless you want it then they have no say..

No one can snatch a baby of its mum.

IABUQueen · 07/05/2019 22:24

What she can say is , “please feel free dear dil to sleep over at our house when you aren’t overwhelmed so I can help take the baby off you when he is keeping you awake”.

Now that’s what my mum would do. She would never go around suggesting to have the baby without me as if ... to replace me!

SnuggyBuggy · 08/05/2019 06:33

@Ferret, do fuck off. It isn't normal for a grandparent to bully a mum into sending her baby away for the night before she is ready.

AlaskanOilBaron · 08/05/2019 07:39

totally agree with the other ladies on here who say MILs had their time. They chose their ways..if they regret them...don't dare try and make things up via us and ours.

Really feel sorry for your MIL.

Goldmandra · 08/05/2019 07:42

ASsinatedbeauty.... look around you ... but if it’s proffessional papers on it or real life stories ... it’s out there to read ... do your own homework

@Ferret27 I've been looking for academic publications that conclude that over anxious or clingy parenting (by mothers) damages children. I can't find anything that concludes it is nurture, rather than nature IYSWIM.

Would you mind linking please? I'd be really genuinely interested to read it.

Reposting this as you may have missed it.

IABUQueen · 08/05/2019 15:07

This really isn’t a MIL issue.. it’s a human issue..

If my own mother insisted and pressured me to give up my baby for the night, despite having repeatedly declined, I would seriously be suspicious of how distant her emotions are from basic empathy and logic, and how self centred she is.. at best.

And her motivation at worst.

BertrandRussell · 08/05/2019 16:45

I completely agree that it should be up to the mother whether it not a baby stays away overnight. No question about that..

But the people who don’t understand why a grandparent might want to have some alone time with a grandchild- well, you may not understand it, but, assuming the child is happy with it, what’s wrong with allowing it? What harm could it do? (Obviously grandparents who are careless, abusive or otherwise unsuitable excepted) . It’s not a big thing to ask is it?

Ferret27 · 08/05/2019 17:12

Point proven .. snuggy Buggy ...
if Op feels bullied then absolutely she should stand firm and I wish her luck ....
Agree with BertandRussell... so many grandparents do an awful lot for their kids and grand kids .. there are families that would have collapsed without their physical emotional and financial support ...

Teateaandmoretea · 08/05/2019 17:14

I agree Bert. Its so depressing the replies of I wouldn't do that so its wrong to do it. I don't understand why women need to bash each other. Yes its unreasonable for MIL to demand 3mo or any child. But my MIL likes having my DC to themselves, she's a wonderful granny they love her, she loves them I don't see the harm I find her more manageable in small doses so it suits me anyway tbh

captainmarvella · 08/05/2019 18:04

Haven’t read the full thread but if the MIL wants to spend time with baby,

  1. Why cant she invite you too on a weekend convenient for you and her

Or

  1. You invite her to come and stay with you for a week

I mean... this is how things should happen with a new born? Who the eff really asks to have a small baby without the mom? And why does the hubby here think it is okay to separate a 3 month old baby from her mom? I’m more worried about the sons attitude her thN his batshit mom...

OceanViewSentosa · 08/05/2019 18:19

You have to say no to her having your DD overnight at this age. Having her overnight would just be the start. One of the saddest things I ever read on here was a few years back where a mother had a young boy (I think he was about 4 or 5) and her MIL insisted on having him all day every Sunday. The mum never got to take him out on that day. She refused to hand him over that day and all hell broke loose. Her useless DH gave into his mum every time. Not sure what happened in the end but I remember she just refused to take him one Sunday and took him out for the day to a fire station or something. It was heart breaking.

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