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Original poster

MIL demanding to have 3 month old overnight

484 replies

ClareSleepy · 03/05/2019 15:59

Please help me reason with DH my MIL has set up her home like a nursery and has been pressuring to have DD at her place overnight practically since she was born. DH is manipulated by her and always tells me he feels so sorry for her. I've told MIL she can visit us and see her granddaughter whenever she likes but she whinges to DH and plays the victim that she can't have DD overnight at her place. I'm made out to be the villain for saying no and DH and I have just argued again about it it's getting me so down. What can I say to make them both back off?

OP posts:
Nonnymum · 03/05/2019 17:15

I can't understand this odd compulsion for grandparents to have the baby stay overnight. It's seems very odd to me.have they got a strange unrealistic view of what it's like to get up in the night to feed a baby or to try and get a screaming baby to sleep. In any case 3 months is much much to young for a baby to be away from their mother.
I would just tell her maybe when he's older (that is if you think you will be happy for him to stay when he's older) but not yet. And tell your husband its non negotiable. Feeling sorry for her is no reason to leave your 3 month old baby with her all night. He's not a toy or a Teddy bear.

Lulubelle15 · 03/05/2019 17:18

Sorry but 3 months is way to young for sleepovers imo. My little boy was nearly 2 before he started staying with his grandparents. My mil did ask for it earlier via my husband & I vetoed it saying I wasn't comfortable with it and they would have to wait till he is older. Sorry but be firm - I'll never let myself be forced or guilted into anything - it helps that I am stubborn as an old goat!!

Alsohuman · 03/05/2019 17:19

The health visitor route sounds a good one. You shouldn’t be pressured into anything you don’t want. And I say that as someone who left her five month old with his gran for three nights.

Jokie · 03/05/2019 17:20

My in-laws were like this and comparing us to another family member who would happily give their baby to the grandparents from 4weeks. They set up the nursery, did everything you mention.

I said: no, thank you with a big friendly smile on my face whenever they asked and after 6 months they stopped asking so much.

cordelia16 · 03/05/2019 17:22

maybe your DH can go stay in his mum's nursery...

contentedsoul · 03/05/2019 17:25

My experience was the complete opposite
My mother never gave two shits about our child, Never once held or cuddled him, fair do's
But now wonders why grandchild (and us) couldn't give two shits about her.
Yep, she's growing old lonely and bitter...what goes around.....

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 03/05/2019 17:28

Tell dh that he is making you very unhappy. And point out that if you throw him out it will be nearly two years before a court grants him overnight contact with dd.

And next time MIL wants to visit, say she can’t come because she keeps going on about having dd overnight and it is making you sad.

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 03/05/2019 17:29

Why is "I don't want to be away from my baby" not a good enough answer? Grandma's wish to get the baby doesn't trump your wish to keep your baby with you. Your husband needs to wind his neck in.

SandAndSea · 03/05/2019 17:31

"I'm not ready to leave her."

And repeat.

MrHaroldFry · 03/05/2019 17:31

Agree with Health Visitor suggestion. I always used the 'the paediatrician says' with every single 'helpful' suggestion offered to me. Broken record technique works!

Beachbodynowayready · 03/05/2019 17:33

I am a mil. Dil asked me to have dgc from 5 months old. 2 nights a week..
Shockingly I didn't have a nursery ready.
He slept in a travel cot on the landing!!
Her choice completely. I certainly never requested it.

Shock

SignedUpJust4This · 03/05/2019 17:36

This infuriates me. Its on here every week! Its lovely that grandparents want to be involved but back the fuck off for a second. Baby is only 3 months! I had this with my MIL and it definitely contributed to my PND and anxiety. Any time I let her hold her grandchild she would take her as far from me as she could. I wish I just said a firm 'No - we are not ready for that and will let you know when we are so please stop asking'. I was much firmer when 2nd came round. Its perfectly natural to not want to be away from your child OP.

mogtheexcellent · 03/05/2019 17:38

My DD is nearly 5 but yet to stay at PILs overnight. We live 10 mmins away so I see no real need. MiL raises it occasionally but i give zero fucks.

DoesItGetAnyBetter · 03/05/2019 17:38

My mother did this too. She used to make out she would be doing us a favour and said I was being precious and controlling by not letting our DC stay with her.

I said I wasn’t precious or controlling I was doing the best for MY baby that I chose to have. Packing them off elsewhere is not what I want and not the best thing.

You need to sit them down together and tell them that you are not facilitating sleepovers to accommodate everyone else’s selfish wishes. The best place for your baby is with you. When you feel baby is ready for this next step you will let her know. In the meantime please do not keep asking as you are finding it really upsetting.

3luckystars · 03/05/2019 17:41

Tell your husband to drop it, or he can stay there with his mother.
That is bullying, if you don't want your daughter to go on a sleepover then you can say never.
I don't allow sleepovers at all. I don't care what people think of me.

AdaColeman · 03/05/2019 17:42

You don't need a reason, you are just doing what you feel is right for you and your baby.

Tell your DH that if he supports his mother's wishes against your own wishes once more, he will be going home to live with his mother permanently.

N2986 · 03/05/2019 17:42

My in-laws were like this too. My DM was the best tho she refused to have any dgcs overnight until they reliably slept through the night.

Will totally be my strategy when I'm a grandma!

ShowMeTheKittens · 03/05/2019 17:43

oh what a silly cow! Get her Tiny Tears.

DuffBeer · 03/05/2019 17:43

My MIL always bangs on about my DC staying with her for a week! Because "all the other children in the family have from a very young age"

Fuck that - do what's right for you. Thankfully my husband is on my side, I can't imagine how hard it would be in your position.

Singlenotsingle · 03/05/2019 17:43

Just say no. It's not up for discussion. End of.

LagunaBubbles · 03/05/2019 17:46

baby doesn't need a dgm does it?
It needs a dm. A df is a bonus. A dgm is just an add on!!

God what a nasty way to describe a Grandparent. My Mum and MIL when alive weren't "add ons" in my boys lives. The more people that loved my kids the better.

S1naidSucks · 03/05/2019 17:47

Ask your pathetic excuse for a husband, why the feelings of his wife and MOTHER OF HIS CHILD matter less than those of his mother.

Someone said earlier they can’t understand women like this. I can’t understand men like the OP’s husband who put the feelings of their mother over the well-being of their wives happiness and mental health. They’re pathetic and selfish.

seven201 · 03/05/2019 17:47

I think my dd was over 1 the first time I was away from her overnight. I really wouldn't have wanted to do it sooner.

Tell your dh to read this thread.

Nanny0gg · 03/05/2019 17:48

I had to look after a 4 month old overnight due to medical emergency. She slept on me the whole time and I didn't sleep a wink.

The correct answer to Mil is either When Hell Freezes Over. Or Never

Angels1 · 03/05/2019 17:51

Op I know exactly how you feel. And I know it’s not as easy as saying no because your dh can’t see why it’s an issue.

Yanbu. I was pestered to leave dd with mil and for her to have her without me. Constantly pestered for her to have dd without me around. The more she pestered the more I wanted to dig my heels in. Dh didn’t get it and wouldn’t side with me so I was getting pestered from him too. I felt like I was constantly having to give more than I felt comfortable with and every time I did give a bit then expectations would get higher and there would be pushing for more and more.

It definitely caused me pnd and several times I thought dh and I would split because of mil. It was a very dark time.

I have no advice but sympathies. I would love ideas for how to get dh to see my POV or at the very least support me rather than siding with mil.

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