MIL demanding to have 3 month old overnight

[ClareSleepy]

Please help me reason with DH my MIL has set up her home like a nursery and has been pressuring to have DD at her place overnight practically since she was born. DH is manipulated by her and always tells me he feels so sorry for her. I've told MIL she can visit us and see her granddaughter whenever she likes but she whinges to DH and plays the victim that she can't have DD overnight at her place. I'm made out to be the villain for saying no and DH and I have just argued again about it it's getting me so down. What can I say to make them both back off?

Your daughters are not you, TigerTooth.

Yes - I agree my opinion is clouded by my almost co-parenting with my mum when DH at work and having a nasty disinterested MIL.
I’m going to go and ask on mums net - but school of son and go if daughter is usually a very different relationship.
Back to Op - if you don’t want to, then don’t, I wouldn’t. But WOZuLD you with your own mother?

“I still don't get how a tiny baby benefits in any way from being apart from its mother or overnight with anyone else.”
Tricky, this one. Certainly all my mil’s grandchildren being happy to stay with her makes life much easier for everyone- including the children.

My dgd has stayed with me 3 nights a week since she was born, sometimes more.
My daughter though lives over an hours drive away and runs her own buisness, so has to work. We didn't want dgd being at day care for umptine hours a day.
I have a great relationship with my dad and all though it's not perfect and my dd does feel she's missed out on things it works for us and my dad is a very happy little girl.
Like I said it works for us but I certainly wouldn't be pushed into doing something I really didn't want to, MIL or not.
Tell them both, together if need be. It's not happening, end of.

Baby needs mum and/or primary care giver.

DD was angry with me when I left her with her dad at 6-8 months or so. She would be fine til I got back then see me and cry at me angrily.

Later as a toddler, she was more comfortable with grandparents that had spent time with us together and with an aunt who spent time entertaining her.

I have a great relationship with my dgd not my dad.

@BertrandRussell that doesn't mean starting with overnights at 3 months old. A good relationship can be built up through spending time with the child, not just through having them on their own at night from tiny.

I think our DD will be at least 2 or 3 before she stays away for a night. My Dad lives just down the road and they have an amazing relationship, he looks after her around 4 times a week for a few hours. Even so, I wouldn't want to be apart from her overnight and she's 16 months now.

Sorry you are having to battle with your DH over this as well, that's not easy. Be strong and be firm. I agree with PPs maybe seek health visitor support if you need it.

Thinking of you

“BertrandRussell that doesn't mean starting with overnights at 3 months old. ”
Of course. As i said- it should be the mother’s decision. It’s just that there is no right or wrong. Families operate differently.

Sorry, but your husband needs to grow a pair and realise you and your child are priority now. I had an ex like this which is why he is an ex.

@Betrand
“I still don't get how a tiny baby benefits in any way from being apart from its mother or overnight with anyone else.”
Tricky, this one. Certainly all my mil’s grandchildren being happy to stay with her makes life much easier for everyone- including the children.

My point really about the OP's situation. At 12 weeks, I'd say there was ZERO benefit to the baby of staying overnight separated from her mother. Later on I can imagine there's loads of good things about it.

I don't want an argument but this has been going on for weeks and weeks and yes I think some of it has caused PND which I've told DH.

OP, you need to sit down with your husband, tell him that your baby is far too young for sleepovers still, that this is making you unwell, and that he needs to start supporting you, or otherwise your marriage is in deep trouble.

You need to nip this in the bud now, or your marriage will suffer.

set your boundaries, remain calm and say, No. Don't let them bully you and that is what they are doing. Your DH should be there to support you.

I 100% agree with everyone saying that you are completely, undeniably NBU to say no, and that you shouldn't have to say anything else.

However, I do have a thought that I haven't noticed elsewhere here (I haven't read every single comment). Is there a chance that your husband is partially behind this by talking about your PND with his mother? There's this perceived & usually ill-applied "she needs a break" idea when it comes to PND; is there a chance that they're trying to help you by "taking the pressure off" and think that you're making it worse for yourself by not accepting it and "struggling alone"? I DON'T agree with them - let me be VERY clear - but I've seen directly this happen to two friends and it took for me pointing it out for them to realise. Both resolved by them having to acknowledge to DP the relatives intent and what they were trying to achieve, and explain that it will only make them feel worse. That yes a break might help, but it's not the baby they need a break from. Sure, if someone wants to cook the dinner, clean the clothes, do the shopping, take their shower, pay the bills, buy the new baby clothes and sort out the nursery, so that as a new mum there was nothing but spending stress free time with baby, that would be great and may ease the crushing, constant "looming dread" sense of PND. Taking the baby; opting out of parenting for the night, isn't the answer and the prospect can stir up or compound feelings of failure, a loss of purpose and loneliness.

I just wanted to offer an alternative way to approach this, since I've seen repeated "no"s be completely ignored by well-meaning but ill-informed relatives sure that they know how to help with PND. Whatever it is, I really hope you get it sorted x

I’ve been here OP; stand your ground when you’re ready you’ll let her know.
It’s not ok that this is her focus it’s really not.

Try and not dwell on it, remind yourself you’re in control, you’re a new mum and are vulnerable whether your mum and DH realise it or not that are taking advantage of this. Be firm and most importantly be happy and confident in that decision. Say no and change the subject. Don’t show hesitation or worry .
Your MiL is just obsessed with the baby and you will hopefully grow to really appreciate her love for your baby/child it’s just a shame she can’t see her needs don’t trump yours.
I hope she sees sense soon xx

Why on earth should your DH be feeling sorry for his mum, as you keep saying. What's to feel sorry about? Does she have some particular problem? A problem that having your DD overnight will solve?

Anyone who demands alone time with my dd doesn't get it. Jfc what is wrong with people.

If your mil can't put the needs of the baby (to be with mother) before her own then she isn't fit to keep the baby at all.

I agree if she wants to put the nursery to use then send your husband over

Why don't you suggest she has your DH overnight instead !
I didn't let anyone take my baby away for the night and I'm really glad I didn't. Its highly rude and weirdly controlling of them to pressurise you.

My DD is on her first sleep over with Nana tonight and she's 16 month old. Wait till your ready, don't do it before. X

I developed a policy that I could stay one night away from my kids for every year of the youngest child's age. That was all I could bear, and was my compromise with DH who wanted us to have alone time. So when my youngest child was two I could do two nights. Definitely none at all until the baby is one. I established this policy because I was traumatised by leaving my first overnight (with his totally amazing and beloved grandparents) and going too far away for too long. It was awful and I could not appreciate the exotic holiday I was supposed to be enjoying with my DH. I got talked into doing it again when DS2 was a toddler and was so upset the night before we left that I almost didn't go and my DH and I had a row that might well have torn us apart. I went, and tried to enjoy it, and sort of succeeded. Sort of. But I put my foot down in future and setting the rules out clearly was good for the marriage. So what I am getting at here is if you think you or your baby are not ready for this (and at three months, who is? Cripes!) then please be very clear with your husband and baby that you are not ready and to please stop asking you as you don't know when you will be. But you will let them know when you get there. Because honestly, your baby would doubtless be fine without you for one night (assuming feeding arrangements are manageable!) with a loving grandparent. But that doesn't mean you would be. I expect you would have a very upset and worried night and you should not have to go through that to satisfy your MILs maternal cravings. It's nice she wants that closeness with her grandchild, but it can't come at the expense of your peace of mind, and it doesn't matter that the baby would be fine with her. Emotional facts don't have to be rational to be real.

When my dgs was born, my dd and her dp were living with dh and me. My sil's dm had a heart attack when the baby was 2 weeks old and obviously he needed to go to see her and my dd needed to go with him - I offered to look after my dgs as his family live in the North of Scotland about a 6 hour drive, without a newborn but dd wanted to take him with her and that was that, the decision was left to her. Her dp later said he was glad she wanted to bring the baby because he wanted his dm to meet him - but he didn't say so until she made the decision.
Even though they lived with me they didn't go out overnight (their choice) until dgs was 7 or 8 months old and that was for a birthday treat for dd.

My LO was 5 when I left them overnight... that was to have another baby. Why rush a sleepover!? Tell her it’s just too soon.

At 3 months? No chance. It’s too young imo. My children have never slept at grandparents and they are 20, 13 and 12 😂

Give them an age in mind eg 2 3 and tell them until then it's not up for discussion. This is your time to bond with your baby she had her time when your husband was born. Tell her you don't know if she handed her baby over at such a young age but your not being pushed into this so stop asking otherwise it will NEVER happen. Tell your husband if he feels sorry for mummy if she's lonely he can go stay with her but your baby is not going anywhere.