MIL demanding to have 3 month old overnight

[ClareSleepy]

Please help me reason with DH my MIL has set up her home like a nursery and has been pressuring to have DD at her place overnight practically since she was born. DH is manipulated by her and always tells me he feels so sorry for her. I've told MIL she can visit us and see her granddaughter whenever she likes but she whinges to DH and plays the victim that she can't have DD overnight at her place. I'm made out to be the villain for saying no and DH and I have just argued again about it it's getting me so down. What can I say to make them both back off?

Your MIL sounds very controlling and manipulative. Emotional blackmail via your DH. There are clearly issues there and that sounds awful for you at such an early stage of your life as a new mum. But they're her issues not yours. Remember that. You need to visit her without your DD or husband and tell her where the boundaries lie. Be kind but very firm. This situation cannot continue - I suspect it will be YOUR firmness and YOUR handling of it (not your husbands) that will ultimately resolve it.

is it because your baby is small or you feel is wants to manipulate you?

Crickey OP, we've just moved ours into her own room and I was having separation anxiety (not our first either).

DC1 didn't stay away over night until she was 4 and that was only because I'd gone into labour, same with DC2 who was 2. DC1 has now spent a couple more nights away from home (7yo now). We did a few hours in the day from about 6mo.

I can't even imagine what you must be feeling being pressured like this. Stick to your guns and do it when you're ready. I'd feel even more reluctant after MIL didn't respond to any messages the last time. It's not about her, it's about a small baby and about you.

Haha haha. Nope.

The fact your MIL didn’t respond to your texts when she looked after your baby is reason enough to never let her do that again. I would have gone nuts over that.

She didn’t respond to your messages last time you left her? Wow. She’s manipulative and emotionally abusive.

Tbh, text her with all of this.

Please stop asking to have x overnight, I am not ready and your continuous emotional manipulation of my husband at this special time is causing me to feel x.
I cannot leave my baby with somebody who has no boundary’s and who doesn’t respect my parental wishes.
This is not up for discussion.
If you continue to behave in this way I will have to seek legal advice on how to go forward, as manipulation and emotional abuse are not a characteristic I would like my child to ever have to endure from you, she is not a toy.

Harsh, but true.

It’s your choice not hers. I’m a gran and my gd came to stay with me at 10 months at her mums request and the other was 5 years before she stayed at her request. I never put pressure just said they’re welcome whenever you/or they want them to come to us. I wish gp would not try go by patents!

I’d make it clear next time that you are not ready, that you don’t need to justify why AND you’ll no mo her entertain any mention of it. The next time baby staying over night is up for discussion is because you’ll be asking MIL not the other way round .
Maybe explain to husband that this is in danger of jeopardising how often MIL sees baby at all? It may not feel like it now but this is one situ where you are actually in complete control.

It sounds like it's a territory thing for your MIL. I have a lovely MIL, and although I didn't think it was ever done maliciously, I feel as tho she tried to reassert herself as the 'mum' of the family after I had her 1st grandchild. Always trying to get me to 'have a break' etc, never following instructions that were contrary to the way she did things... It was quite a difficult time and the same as you, I was very much pressured by the OH because 'she only means well...' I also had to deal with a smoking environment. It's really hard when you are up against more than one person and feel isolated, but stick to your guns. You're not doing it for yourself, you're doing it for your baby and there no stronger instinct. Stick to your guns, set your boundaries. Your partner need a reality check that he needs to prioritise his baby's needs over his mother. Tell him he's a father now and need to step up. It definitely got better for me. Good luck.

Write her a letter - tell her that her attitude is wholly inappropriate and that the answer is NO.

As for your OH........what can anyone say?

it just isn’t right to say mothers should have 100% say...

For small babies still largely dependent on the gestational mother? Yes sorry but it does.
And yes, that includes in relationships where the sex of the mother's partner is also female.

Unless of course you think that 100% of the say should be with the father/non gestational partner? Because that is what you are proposing here, that the father should be able to overrule the mother.

I'd also like to see the evidence you cite about damage caused by an overly close maternal/baby relationship in the early months. You made the claim, citing the sources is your homework.

“Maybe explain to husband that this is in danger of jeopardising how often MIL sees baby at all?”

Please don’t do this. Never use a baby as a bargaining chip in any relationship.

Very difficult go us MIL.....all stems from the saying, if you have a son you have lost him when he takes a wife an a daughter is for life... unfortunately this is very true. So when a grandchild comes along the MIL is very excited obviously as is the daughters mother excited too. Wanting the young baby for an overnight though is a bit too eager at this stage BUT show some understanding please..... Explain when child is older they can have stay over, in meantime when you want/need a babysitter she will be needed so much. But in meantime as u have said she can come visit or u go for meal to hers. I/we are very much needed plus visit one of our sons which is lovely an babysit (9 mthss an 3year old) but on the other hand our oldest son fetches his two children for sleepover during school hols now for couple nights (as they both work) we have had to wait till this age for sleepovers! we r not allowed to visit to their house that often, my son goes to lot of trouble so we see them which we appreciate so much. DIL is Ocd with house, garden,work....she really shouldn't have married in first place, we do feel for my son as he makes best of situ. We feel very hurt by her attitude, but ocd's are very selfish in everything....So yes you have new baby, too young for sleepover of course! but don't leave it till they school age (very hurtful for MIL) she an yr parents won't be there for ever. Happy families hey xx

bloody hell Barbarapotter, maybe you’d see more of your grandchildren if you didn’t so obviously dislike their mother.

One thing I'm not sure whether anyone has pointed out is that it sounds like your MIL is getting conflicting messages from you and your DH. If DH is saying yes and you're saying no then MIL may be getting the impression it's okay to push.

You really do have a DH problem here. It's really easy to demonise MILs because they can try to boss you around like you're their own child etc, but if your DH is undermining you with his mum then you're going to keep having problems.

we r not allowed to visit to their house that often, my son goes to lot of trouble so we see them which we appreciate so much. DIL is Ocd with house, garden,work....she really shouldn't have married in first place, we do feel for my son as he makes best of situ.

I can see why you’re not that welcome at her house if that’s your attitude towards her

Please don’t do this. Never use a baby as a bargaining chip in any relationship.

Agree with Bertrand on this one. It also might come across as negotiating - “do XYZ and you’ll get more baby time” - and you don’t want to bargain, you want to make it clear that “no” is “no” on this one.

It is worth telling DH that you’d much prefer your child and you to have a good relationship with her as they grow up, it would be so good for all of you, but constantly going on at you like this is only going to undermine that. And that you’re going to build up a lot of resentment for him for piling on the pressure instead of listening to you and supporting you. Sounds like he’s conditioned to think “oh just give Mum what she wants right now it’s not worth the guilt trips”, and he might need a prod to take a longer-term view.

Barbarapotter you sound like a nightmare. I feel sorry for your DIL and don't get why your son and his wife waiting until their kids were at school to have overnight visits is hurtful to you. Not everything is about you and not all grandparents have their grandchildren to stay overnight at all. OP can wait as long as she likes.

U obviously missed my point! I will have to spell it out for you.... I/we have not been demanding mythering pestering MIL at all, far from it. We have very good relationships with other son an family plus my other son an children.....I have never been interfering at all. Maybe you have not got same problems but don't make comments about people an Situ's u don't know, this site is suppose to be for helpful advice not for rough people to be vindictive and slanging match, please grow up and be respectful

It might be time for your inner mummy tiger to make an appearance.

My MIL took my 3 week old son from a family event and disappeared for 2 hours with him without telling anyone she was doing it. It set up a dynamic that she regretted for the next 10 years, so I feel your pain.

Tell DH that it's a hard NO until such time as you are comfortable with it, and for him to set MIL's expectations to this.

Tell him it's stressing you out, you will not be changing your mind for months if not years, and to LET IT DROP.
Then don't discuss it again, just give him the look.

While you're being polite and careful of her feelings, it sounds like you are being misinterpreted as being on the cusp of agreeing for a quiet life. It needs to be made clear that this is not the case.

Barbara/Culcheth or whomever you decide to be next, given your lack of empathy (and grammar), I wouldn't leave you in charge of a chicken nugget, never mind an actual child.

What some people are forgetting, is that not all mothers/MIL are kind, caring people. You just have to read these forums to see there are plenty of toxic parents, who shouldn't be allowed any contact with their grandchildren, let alone "time alone" with them.

Fathers don't grow the baby in their bodies for 9 months, so don't have the same bond as mothers do. It's biology. Therefore, they should respect their partner's wishes.

This particular MIL, has shown she cannot be trusted with the baby, and because she's being emotionally manipulative, getting her son on side to badger OP, in order to get what she wants, regardless of the distress this is causing, it should be obvious that she is not a suitable person to leave the baby with. It's not rocket science.

OP, next time, if it helps, imagine you've got all of the pps here who have supported you, standing right behind you when you tell H/MIL NO!

My MIL took my 3 week old son from a family event and disappeared for 2 hours with him without telling anyone she was doing it.

That absolutely shocking! I’m sure you were in an absolute panic!

@NerdyBird

I’m guessing your daughter won’t be going on Rainbows Camp then ?

My DD had an amazing time going on an overnight residential with Rainbows when she was 5 ! She had a brilliant time and it really fostered her independence ❤️

At 7 she’s ready to go on Brownies Camp!

@Barbarapotter with that awful attitude I'm surprised you ever see the grandchildren.