MIL demanding to have 3 month old overnight

[ClareSleepy]

Please help me reason with DH my MIL has set up her home like a nursery and has been pressuring to have DD at her place overnight practically since she was born. DH is manipulated by her and always tells me he feels so sorry for her. I've told MIL she can visit us and see her granddaughter whenever she likes but she whinges to DH and plays the victim that she can't have DD overnight at her place. I'm made out to be the villain for saying no and DH and I have just argued again about it it's getting me so down. What can I say to make them both back off?

‘Please stop asking me and respect the fact I’m not comfortable with this right now’

Don’t think it hurts to give up responsibility for one night no matter how old they are. Let her have the baby get yourself a good night sleep. It will be better for all of you in the long run.

Don’t think it hurts to give up responsibility for one night no matter how old they are. Let her have the baby get yourself a good night sleep. It will be better for all of you in the long run

OP won't get a good nights sleep, she'll be stressed all bloody night fretting for the baby she didn't want to go to her MIL.

First rule of anyone who looks after my children is they must respect me. Your MILs behaviour is not respectful to your wishes at all and I’d not be able to trust her beyond that.

Your husband should put your child first, not his mother.

I’ve honestly never understood why some grandparents are so desperate to have a baby overnight so young?

(Especially when it’s not needed for any particular reason).

OP won't get a good nights sleep, she'll be stressed all bloody night fretting for the baby she didn't want to go to her MIL

Exactly! Can the few posters who have said the OP should allow MIL to babysit because they were fine it not imagine what it would be like if you weren't okay with it? It would be immensely stressful on the OP, who has already mentioned having PND. Even having PND wouldn't mean she would need to be apart from the baby, for some women with PND or could make it far worse.

I had quite bad anxiety after DD was born as she had to be taken into hospital at 1 day old. If someone had tried to separate us before I was ready I think I'd have killed them.

It's absolutely fine if you're happy to leave your newborn with a babysitter, but it's also fine to not want to as well!

‘’Mummyshark2018

What Is the issue? Dd being away from you or that you don't trust mil? Personally I would've loved someone to give me a night off when dc was a baby! She'll prob do it once and realise how hard it is getting up in the night! ‘’

What is the issue? A new mum who isn’t ready to leave her baby overnight with someone who thinks it is acceptable to continuously nag at said new mum and her husband about having the baby overnight even though she keeps being told no and sulking about it.

It’s hardly leaving your baby in trusting arms if needed is it? If someone has this little respect for you as a mother are they really going to be respectful of your parenting wishes when they have time alone? I highly doubt it.

I wouldn’t have a problem with it
My MIL was a lovely caring woman.
Wha possible king term damage does everyone think it’s going to cause the bay?

No one thinks it will cause long term damage. The point is that the OP isn't happy to do it! That's the beginning and end of it. She doesn't want to be apart from her baby for that length of time, and no one should be pressuring her to do so. Especially not her husband and her MIL! It's perfectly normal and reasonable for a new mother not to want to be apart from her baby for that length of time, even if they're being looked after by the most amazing carer.

I don't know why a baby's distress is only deemed to matter if it can be said to cause long term damage.

Say to dh something along the lines of “I was pregnant for nine months, I gave birth, I’m looking after a young baby, you need to support ME and MY wishes not your mother and what she wants as she has gone through none of these things.”

Well there’s actually a reasonable amount of evidence about how maternal separations in the first few years can cause all sorts of long term emotional and neurological issues.... the baby perceives it as a trauma. And a whole night away (12+ hours ??) could signal the end of breastfeeding: some babies might go on nursing strike afterwards, it could mess with supply, cause mastitis etc

Threads like this always go the same way. The OP is upset and doesn’t want to be apart from her newborn. Most posters agree (because it’s normal).
Then you get a few MILs or mums who say they had no issue leaving their tiny baby so why should anyone else? Never did them or their baby’s any harm etc.... problem is this sample is probably biased by a lack of emotional intelligence - being absolutely fine with being away from your newborn baby is not a good thing, it would have flagged up a problem when I worked in HVing (either a bonding problem/PND, or a lack of understanding about infants emotional needs).

My MIL has always wanted to look after her Grandchildren without their mums (DILs) around and was always seeking to separate mum and baby. She didn’t see any issue with it. Has the emotional intelligence of a brick. Also bragged about how her babies were put into their cots in their own rooms from birth and the door shut on them until morning. And how her babies “never cried for me” as though that was something to be proud of/an example of what a fantastic mother she was.

The reality is that she has absolutely zero insight or understanding into the emotional needs of baby’s and children and emotionally abused and neglected her children. She’d say theyd all turned out fine so what’s the problem? I’m reality all her children have mental health problems. DH is very LC and myself and the DC are NC with her

If husband and MIL idea is stressing you ... why don’t you try suggesting staying over with your baby...and husband .... she will also see how you like things done and you may feel reassured... it could make it easier for all of you going forward....

Some replies on here are too melodramatic .... lots of cultures have grandmothers sharing caring for young babies in their family groups, loads of women have to go back to work and work shifts ( nurses,police,paramedics,doctors etc) lots of fathers stay at home ...
These are a few of the situations where Mother’s are not with their child 24-7 so less hysteria please ... Op has a right to her view but so do all the others in this babies close family ... it doesn’t need to be a battle ...
Poster who bragged none of her adult children stayed with her MIL ... just plain sad and somewhat pathetic comment if you don’t tell us why this never happened..

Mummyshark - How can you say what’s the issue?
Motherhood!! It’s new, scary & you learn as you go. Perhaps DD staying over at MILs in future will be great BUT right now she needs to be listened to & supported in her new life & bring pushed by DH&MIL is creating anxiety.
OP ring your HV to get your back on this. If possible get her round when DH is there & perhaps forewarn her- she’ll put him straight- hopefully will be objective if it comes from someone else- longer term you have to tell him your marriage won’t survive if he does not tell MIL to butt out

Abbsofrigginlootly@
Good example of who you may not want to leave your child with..
But turn it on it’s head .... some mothers are not great or maternal ... some grandmothers are better second time around .... some fathers make better mothers ... it just isn’t right to say mothers should have 100% say...
Single parents of both genders out there .. gay parents of either gender... babies need love ..nurture and feeding/ changing... can’t believe people still keep saying babies are in any way harmed unless with mother .... when their is also evidence to support some over anxious or clingy parenting (by mothers) damages children too

Bristolbetty@ ... just wondering if you left him with her for the first time at 20mths ? Maybe by this point It was just the change in routine... we had nephew stay over with mum and dad from month old , by 6 months old he stayed over without them ... it worked as it was a gradual thing and he was used to seeing us at night time as well as his parents.

"when their is also evidence to support some over anxious or clingy parenting (by mothers) damages children too" - I'd love to read that research, can you point me in the right direction?

Thank you all for the replies. MIL does get to see DD a lot but I'm not keen to leave her yet even in the day. DH and I did go out for his brothers birthday one evening when DD was about 9 weeks old for a couple of hours and left her with MIL... who then proceeded to ignore all of our texts and phone calls asking if DD was ok (about an hour after leaving we sent a text to see if she was ok and then followed up as MIL wouldn't reply as she felt us messaging her was interfering with her time with DD.)

I'm going to be stronger in my replies from now on next time this gets brought up.

@MummaMooMoo

I think you may be into something there as since DD was days old I've been encouraged to "have a break@ however I think it's been this and having to perpetually fight against having DD removed from me which has caused my PND, having to argue about preposterous things when I've been feeling quite weak.

Overnight when the child is older - you might be glad of help when you want to go out - don't burn bridges, the old girl could be useful later on. But under a year? not unless you are ill

ASsinatedbeauty.... look around you ... but if it’s proffessional papers on it or real life stories ... it’s out there to read ... do your own homework

Agree first babies are a bit scary... for both parents...

Story all affecting you so badly op ... hope you and your hubby work it out as a family and restore some balance ... I’m sure it will get better pretty soon

Your mil doesn't respect you and your dh is an idiot. No wonder you don't want to let her have your baby over night if she won't even communicate with you when you have asked her to babysit. It's weird.

I don't have my baby yet, but my mil is excited to be a Nana soon but she's very lovely and would never ask or demand something like this. Which makes me more likely to feel comfy about asking them if we need it. Not that i would... I don't know if they'd want to overnight anyway. It's kinda moot, we love too far away for that to happen unless we are staying over too!

Anyway. I would say to your mil that if you need an overnight babysitter then of course she can have the job. But right now you don't need that and nor does your baby.

Maybe sit down with just your mil and just explain you feel that everything has got out of hand and you appreciate that she really wants to help but you are fine at the moment. All her to stop pressuring your dh because it is hard for him.

Although she doesn't sound very reasonable about things so not sure if that'd with.

Alternatively sit her down alone and say that after all this stress and demands that she is the last person you would EVER ask to look after your child EVER again. And that unless she shuts up about it that she will have no contact.

Then ask your dh if he finds it hard living with a baby so much that he's willing to send her away, that maybe he should stay with his mother. And give you some peace and quiet!

Is be quite mad i think if my oh suggested such a thing, unless it was something we both wanted.

Abso has hit the nail on the head there. Anyone so desperate to separate a young child and mother is desperately lacking in emotional intelligence and purely seeking to gain themselves. Its interesting you mentioned the 'my children never cried for me'. My MIL does this to like a badge of honour. Tells everyone how great her children turned out despite both having serious MH and relationship issues. I had the same pressure and in the grip of serious PND it was made clear to me that I was now irrelevant and God did I feel it. I was just a walking uterus.

You need to be very clear with them both that this child was not born to make MIL happy and make DH feel like a great son. Are your parent's supportive? Could you stay with them for a little while?