Page 18 | MIL demanding to have 3 month old overnight

ClareSleepy · 2019-05-03T14:59:37+00:00

Please help me reason with DH my MIL has set up her home like a nursery and has been pressuring to have DD at her place overnight practically since she was born. DH is manipulated by her and always tells me he feels so sorry for her. I've told MIL she can visit us and see her granddaughter whenever she likes but she whinges to DH and plays the victim that she can't have DD overnight at her place. I'm made out to be the villain for saying no and DH and I have just argued again about it it's getting me so down. What can I say to make them both back off?

FromDespairToHere · 05/05/2019 12:05

My ex's mum (he was ex before DD was born) mithered for time with her, including overnights, from the get-go. She was jealous of my mum for spending more time with DD - we bloody lived with my mum! The difference between her and my mum was that she wanted to take over and have this "alone time" whereas my mum consciously backed off and let me be the parent, despite being there constantly.

WeaselsRising · 05/05/2019 12:05

I'm a MIL and look after my 8mo DGD on a regular basis at DS and DDIL's request, but would absolutely not be happy with an overnight unless it was an emergency. Certainly wouldn't be demanding to have her. I love her to bits but it's so nice handing her back to her parents! Even though I've looked after her (without them) at least once a week since she was very tiny she's reached the age where she just wants mummy.

My own MIL was always desperate to take my babies off me, but even she would have drawn the line at overnights. I think DC1 was 3 (going on 16) when she first stayed at grandmas and had a great time; because she was old enough to understand what was going on and to want to go.

cranstonmanor · 05/05/2019 12:23

I've asked my niece (and her parents of course) if she wants to come for a sleepover once she feels she is big enough to sleep somewhere else. She is 9 and she now feels big enough to come over for a night. Her mum is coming too the first time just to be sure she doesn't get homesick and we're going to make it a fun girls weekend.

I don't understand these MILs, I'd much rather wait 9 years and have fun and bonding time with my niece than pressure her and make everyone miserable. She'll remember this weekend just fine, which she wouldn't have when much younger. It sounds like your MIL wants to play dolls more than actually make sure a baby is happy.

Ferret27 · 05/05/2019 12:26

C8H10N4O2. ..neither should have 100% rights or access unless in abuse cases ... we have spent decades changing out modes male mindsets and still three are so many women who want to pick and choose when men get their say ... some people on here have painted this women’s mil and dh as awful but you are only hearing one side to this scenario... it sounds as thing they are being accused of is wanting to bond as a wider family which isn’t impossible if all involved take a bit more care and try and be more understanding of each other’s desires and needs

AssassinatedBeauty · 05/05/2019 13:19

It's not about wanting to bond or trying to break down out moded male mindsets. It's about consent as someone upthread has said. The OP doesn't want to do this, which is entirely reasonable, so her husband and MIL shouldn't be persisting and pestering her!

CecilyP · 05/05/2019 13:38

The MIL has absolutely no need to have the baby overnight on it’s own in order to have a bond. You either live close enough that you see each other during the day, ( which seems to be the case here) or you live further away and you all stay overnight as a family.

So far we know that she has asked to have baby to stay from almost new born.She sulks to her son and makes him feel guilty. He finds it hard to stand up to his mum even though he is a grown man with his own family. On the one occasion she babysat, she didn’t answer the phone. Although I m sure all was fine, she didn’t have sufficient empathy to care that the new parents might be concerned.

Yes we’ve only heard OP’s side but what other mitigating circumstances could there possibly be to support MIL request and DH’s reluctance to say no to her?

Wantmyflipflops · 05/05/2019 17:34

I know it's been said but I really do not understand why people think it's ok to tell new mums that they 'need a break' in order to have 1 on 1 time with them.

I have a 4 year old and a 4 month old and they have only ever spent the night away from is when at my mums or my amazing neighbours Gladys.

I know people will think I'm out of order but my MIL is bat shit crazy and even though she begs me to have them I would never trust her to look after them. She watched my 4 year old for 2 hours once and pierced her ears...final straw for me as DD didn't even really want then done.

As mothers we know in our hearts what we can cope with in terms of our DC. I didn't want my babies out of my sight for the first few months and that is my prerogative and there is nothing wrong with that.

This is a very personal decision. It is about what we as individuals are comfortable with and whatever we each decide is what is right for us.

What is wrong though is feeling pressured to be away from the light of your life when you don't need or want to be.

I would tell DH that putting his DM feelings before his baby and DW will only bring negativity to the relationship. Also regardless of how the mum feels the little baby might not be ready to be away from his mum. I know my DD struggled when my mum had her for the first time so we picked her up.

Do what makes you feel comfortable.

NerdyBird · 05/05/2019 18:09

No @Arkenfield3001 she doesn't do Rainbows, she's not 5 yet. None of her friends do that sort of stuff either.

GinUnicorn · 05/05/2019 18:52

Mine is 19months and not had a sleepover with anyone. When she is a bit older fine but for a newborn it’s really unfair to put pressure on the parents. It’s not doing a favour if the mother doesn’t want to be away from her baby.

tinkyp · 05/05/2019 18:56

Dear OP, I am so sorry you have had people put you under this pressure, and because you are a lovely mum and nice person you don't just dismiss their asking with the venom it deserves. You are not comfortable with this and that explanation is enough. You are doing a great job looking after your baby, and it is right that You trust your instincts. I didn't leave mine for a couple of hours in the daytime until they were around a year old, and then I didn't want them taken any where I didn't know about. Your instincts are normal, natural and it sounds like you are doing a fab job during such a life changing period.

Goldmandra · 05/05/2019 19:14

ASsinatedbeauty.... look around you ... but if it’s proffessional papers on it or real life stories ... it’s out there to read ... do your own homework

@Ferret27 I've been looking for academic publications that conclude that over anxious or clingy parenting (by mothers) damages children. I can't find anything that concludes it is nurture, rather than nature IYSWIM.

Would you mind linking please? I'd be really genuinely interested to read it.

ahtellthee · 05/05/2019 20:15

@Barbarapotter if you were my MIL I wouldn't want you in my house either.
Absolutely awful comment.

OP, my MIL was also rather insistent on taking DS1 from me. Thankfully we don't live locally, but when I brought him to meet the family at 10 weeks, she made such a fuss about having him. Luckily he was EBF so I could use this as a déterrant but when DH spoke to her, she decided that he meant I wasn't comfortable with her being around my child. Throw in a few other additional judgements, like she hated the 'newfangled' baby hammock that all DC slept in, had never ever heard of someone carrying their baby in a sling, said I was too attached to my kids, a helicopter mum, was wasting my time making my own baby food, should stop BF after three months (not helped by the fact that SIL FF all of her kids from birth and regularly asked her to take the kids). She also seemed unable to accept that the children were 50% me, and not 100% DH (her PFB). Lots of put downs and judgemental comments to DH about my parenting style. It was an incredibly stressful time for me as I tried to find my feet as a new mum, and despite us being close before DC, I started to dread any visits.

Fast forward a decade, she has never ever had DC overnight, and when we do visit, we meet them for days out. If I didn't organisé these, they wouldn't have any contact at all as DH is a bit useless. I do think that GP are so very important and want them to have a relationship with the kids but that tension from the early days has never ever gone away. I know that they think I am peculiar because we have very different approaches to life in general. That said, I do try to bear in mind that one day I will be a MIL, and so I keep organizing these meetings and smiling... We all make an effort.

OP, this is your baby, and you know what is right. Have faith in this instinct. Your DH needs to back you up. It isn't forever, but right now the baby needs its mum, and you shouldn't be separated if you don't want to be.

@Soontobe60

Samind · 05/05/2019 20:19

@Wantmyflipflops???? Oh my God. She pierced your daughters ears? I would have went nuclear!!!!!

Wantmyflipflops · 05/05/2019 20:24

@Samind she is a nut job. We are pretty much NC now x

Tistheseason17 · 05/05/2019 21:35

YANBU.
You have a DH problem. He should be wanting to support you.

SurvivetheCrazy · 05/05/2019 22:37

Maybe some day you'll be a grandmother who wants to build a special relationship that comes from one on one interaction like my children had with their grandparents. It also gave me a breather so I could be my best. But if you think your DH and MIL are planning to kill her in her sleep, then your prevention of shared love and nurturing isn't narcissistic at all. She is YOUR baby. Not all GP are interested, mine was a gift.

cabcab · 05/05/2019 23:01

Maybe some day you'll be a grandmother who wants to build a special relationship that comes from one on one interaction like my children had with their grandparents. It also gave me a breather so I could be my best. But if you think your DH and MIL are planning to kill her in her sleep, then your prevention of shared love and nurturing isn't narcissistic at all. She is YOUR baby. Not all GP are interested, mine was a gift.

Bloody ridiculous post! Gave you a breather so you could do your best ..... what about EBF babies that refuse bottles are those mothers not doing their best?

quizqueen · 06/05/2019 00:52

If your MIL wants to have a baby in her 'nursery', I suggest you send your husband back for a sleepover!

SnuggyBuggy · 06/05/2019 06:51

Been following this. Its fine to say no and I agree with others in that surely the best part of being a grandparent is not getting up in the night.

Mum and newborn baby are a unit, if a grandparent wants to do something for their grand baby they should support the mum. It's a short period and babies become more independent and interactive later.

PBobs · 06/05/2019 08:02

Some of the posts on this thread are batshit. I love my mum and would totally trust her to look after my child when baby arrives but I still have zero intention of letting her do so without me being around. And I'm not a person who believes in over protecting children, etc etc. But honestly, this is my turn to parent and I want to do it my way. They're only tiny once and I wouldn't want to miss out. My mum can bond through holidays and day trips and Sunday lunch and Skype. MIL and I are NC and DH is LC so that's never going to happen.

PBobs · 06/05/2019 08:03

Some of the posts on this thread are batshit. I love my mum and would totally trust her to look after my child when baby arrives but I still have zero intention of letting her do so without me being around. And I'm not a person who believes in over protecting children, etc etc. But honestly, this is my turn to parent and I want to do it my way. They're only tiny once and I wouldn't want to miss out. My mum can bond through holidays and day trips and Sunday lunch and Skype. MIL and I are NC and DH is LC so that's never going to happen.

Arkenfield3001 · 06/05/2019 11:52

@PBobs
There is nothing Batshit about my Mum looking after my baby daughter for 3 weeks when she was 9 months old because I was in hospital having her baby brother (they are only 9.5 months apart) as my husband is farmer and doesn’t get paternity leave. I’m not a particularly prescriptive parent so it worked well for both of us. There is also nothing batshit about my Mum looking after my nephew when my SIL had to go back to work after 13 weeks and my brother wasn’t allowed to take his paternity leave until week 26! My brother and SIL are very prescriptive parents and my Mum did everything by their book ! So no it’s not batshit crazy not being a helicopter parent who has to oversee their babies every move! None of us have sustained any damage by a loving grandmother being involved in our baby care!

Enjoy looking after your baby! Perhaps one day you’ll feel able to let baby go for a bit -
e.g. when you go to the hairdressers. It’s not much fun for a baby to go to a 2hr hairdressing appointment with its Mum when it could be on a solo visit to a loving grandmother 👵

AssassinatedBeauty · 06/05/2019 12:07

"It’s not much fun for a baby to go to a 2hr hairdressing appointment with its Mum when it could be on a solo visit to a loving grandmother "

Or, you know, the other parent could be in charge of the children...

BertrandRussell · 06/05/2019 12:20

“Or, you know, the other parent could be in charge of the children...”

Or, you know, one of the other people in the children’s lives who love them could be in charge. Just a thought for those of us who don’t subscribe to the “our little family” mantra.

AssassinatedBeauty · 06/05/2019 12:42

The OP has a partner. That's what I was referring to.