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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want a funeral

248 replies

typoqueen · 03/05/2019 13:58

im hoping its a long time off yet, but told my family (husband and 2 20 something kids) that i do not want one, i want to go from "death bed" straight to cremation with no service, they say i am selfish and that a funeral is a way for family and friends to say goodbye, my reason is that i do not like funerals, i do not attend funerals (not even my own parents) and i certainly do not want one of my own. i really do not see the point of them..

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 03/05/2019 20:25

It's an incredibly selfish request to make of the people who love you most who will be grieving already. Why would you want to ask something so awful of them in that moment?

lyralalala · 03/05/2019 20:27

I suspect that the only reason is that you dont like funerals, based on your OP.

That's very unfair @GreytExpectations.

If the OP says she has her reasons then basically wanting her to explain them in more detail isn't on. As has been said several times through the thread not everyone has parents that deserve someone turning up at their funeral.

I disagree with the OP's stance, but given that you said "Unless you had a serious, serious awful relationship with you parents (and maybe not even then) I cannot grasp how you could be so cold as to not attend their funeral and pay respect?" it's not overly surprising they aren't going to go into detail about their parents just so you can decide if they were justified or not.

TemporaryPermanent · 03/05/2019 20:33

I had no idea so many people found the idea of a funeral so hateful.

I am sure my dh would have been among them except that he would have respected his parents wishes, and no funeral would have been terrible for them. I also think he would have thought only 6 or 7 people would come.

There were 120 people there. He was far more loved than he knew. The day is still a huge comfort.

But I do like the idea if making it clear that you have no problem with a direct cremation and nothing else.

GreytExpectations · 03/05/2019 20:39

@lyralalala appreciate your opinion on the situation and on my posts but unfortunately i disagree.
Op, stated my reason is that i do not like funerals, i do not attend funerals (not even my own parents) that very clearly is saying she hates funerals so much she didnt even attend her parents one. Not exactly open to much other interpretation. I suspect the OPs reasons for being vague arent really that personal.

Hazlenutpie · 03/05/2019 20:45

I’ve told my family that I don’t want a funeral service of any sort. There will be a wake though and this seems to keep everyone happy.

badlydrawnperson · 03/05/2019 20:46

YANBU. I have some ideas of what I want too - but I also know I will be dead so in the end people can do what they want.

badlydrawnperson · 03/05/2019 20:48

Considering I will be dead, I am not getting too excited about what happens.

ddl1 · 03/05/2019 20:48

'It's an incredibly selfish request to make of the people who love you most who will be grieving already. Why would you want to ask something so awful of them in that moment?'

For some people, having to grieve in public and deal with everybody else's social demands and expectations at a time of grief is the thing that would be truly awful! Not everyone is comforted by a funeral; and it's not only those who can't face up to death who find that a funeral adds to their grief. Sometimes you get a situation where the person hates the thought of a funeral when they die, but assumes that their family needs it to comfort them; and then the family finds the funeral most distressing at a time when they just want to grieve in private and without social pressures, but assume that they have to do it out of duty to the deceased relative. I think people should be honest with their and friends family about their wishes. That doesn't mean that they should morally blackmail them into following their wishes; or act as though they'll be able to give orders after their death; but just be honest about their preferences.

Hazlenutpie · 03/05/2019 20:53

It's an incredibly selfish request to make of the people who love you most who will be grieving already. Why would you want to ask something so awful of them in that moment?

What a load of old tosh. Not everyone values spending thousands of pounds on a miserable service! We aren’t religious at all in my family so a wake, where everyone gets together is all that we want. I’ve been to some of these now and they are far better than any service conducted by someone who didn’t even know the deceased.

GreytExpectations · 03/05/2019 20:55

Not everyone is comforted by a funeral; and it's not only those who can't face up to death who find that a funeral adds to their grief.
The op said her own family said that a funeral is a way for family and friends to say goodbye so clearly they would feel comforted by one.

GreytExpectations · 03/05/2019 20:57

where everyone gets together is all that we want.

The key word is WE. Hazlenutpie, the OPs family have said they would want her to have a funeral so ot obviously matters to them.

Echobelly · 03/05/2019 21:01

One good thing about being Jewish is the funerals are ASAP and not a big kerfuffle, so I'm quite happy to have one. I suppose there's nothing stopping your family from having some sort of gathering for you after your death if they want that.

Purpleartichoke · 03/05/2019 21:08

I completely understand why you don’t want a funeral. I am going to suggest you reconsider and allow a non-traditional gathering. My grandfather didn’t have a funeral and it was much harder to get past his death.

My mother died last year and she was Did not want a funeral. She wanted a bbq at home with all the kids running around and people sitting around reminiscing. We ultimately had a lunch at a nice club because the logistics of hosting that many people at home are daunting and we didn’t want to take it on. We needed the freedom to relax, not host. So we had her party at a nearby golf club. They catered. We had an open bar. People sat around going through photo albums and reminiscing. The kids ran around and played and stole all the candy out of the lobby candy dish (which I had to chastise them for, but secretly lived because it would have made my mom smile) We put the kids in nicer clothing, but still comfy because she didn’t want them in uncomfortable clothes. There was about 20 minutes where we all sat down quietly and listened to anyone who wanted to address the group.

We honored the spirit of what she wanted and got a chance to say goodbye.

derxa · 03/05/2019 21:12

I think rites of passage are important. Me too. But on MN they're abusive and sexist blah blah blah

ForalltheSaints · 04/05/2019 12:32

Echobelly that is one aspect of Jewish and Islamic culture I would be happy to see adopted. Though as to the original question, for me the most important thing is fulfilling the wishes of the deceased, whether or not we would choose the same for ourselves.

Hadalifeonce · 04/05/2019 12:39

To be honest, she won't know what they do...................

Everydaypeople · 04/05/2019 12:42

I don’t think you sound cold at all op and there is something offered called direct cremation. That’s what I want.
Was there not someone last week who couldn’t afford to pay for a family funeral and she was told to leave it to the council, get them a paupers funeral etc and now here’s an op who doesn’t want one and is told she’s cold, it’s a rite of passage.

PaperHead · 04/05/2019 12:49

You’re not in the least unreasonable, OP. My experience is that this is also increasingly common. Go for it.

Also, in the nicest possible way, the mainstream culture surrounding in Britain is really crap — this is not a thing you are good at as a society.

jameswong · 04/05/2019 13:00

If I was yout son I'd have the biggest and most elaborate funeral imaginable. Don't like it? Then.....oh, wait.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 04/05/2019 13:01

It’s not about you.

Trumpleton · 04/05/2019 13:03

My mum specifically requested no fuss for her funeral, just my siblings and dad (they were divorced) - it was very tense and all the emotions felt magnified! I'd have liked others there to have lessened the pressure. And to talk about her with! Would have been nice.

Confusedbeetle · 04/05/2019 13:07

a funeral isnot for the dead person, but the bereaved. It should be what they want

SihtricsHorseWitnere · 04/05/2019 13:07

It’s not about you.

FFS, it's your body, of course it's about you.

I don't want one, either. My life has been really shitty for the most part and in a lot of ways, I will not be sorry to leave it.

YANBU. It's a waste of money we don't have. I want to go direct to cremation as well.

PortiaCastis · 04/05/2019 13:13

Well you won't know one way or the other but your family will, personally I find visiting my Dads grave comforting and am glad I have somewhere to go and remember him but he collapsed and died right in front of me and I don't think I'll ever get over not being able to save him
Still each to their own and there's no right or wrong but consider your close family when making a decision

Alsohuman · 04/05/2019 13:14

It’s the point where body autonomy stops. You have absolutely no say in what happens once you’re dead. It’s a very hard concept for control freaks to take on board, apparently.

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