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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want a funeral

248 replies

typoqueen · 03/05/2019 13:58

im hoping its a long time off yet, but told my family (husband and 2 20 something kids) that i do not want one, i want to go from "death bed" straight to cremation with no service, they say i am selfish and that a funeral is a way for family and friends to say goodbye, my reason is that i do not like funerals, i do not attend funerals (not even my own parents) and i certainly do not want one of my own. i really do not see the point of them..

OP posts:
FancyAPint · 04/05/2019 13:17

I think i'd like to go for a direct funeral, I dread having to arrange anyone else's funeral.

They can do a nice little scattering of ashes instead perhaps.

FancyAPint · 04/05/2019 13:17

sorry i meant direct cremation.

SihtricsHorseWitnere · 04/05/2019 13:18

You have absolutely no say in what happens once you’re dead

True, but it's pretty shitty not to honour someone's wishes. My FIL wanted to be cremated, but hey, his widow should have just had him buried if that's what she wanted, fuck him, he's dead so it doesn't matter any more. Hmm Thankfully, she had respect and love for him to honour his wishes even after he'd died.

There's also expense. Even direct cremation is hundreds of pounds.

FunkyKingston · 04/05/2019 13:23

Well, not if they want to honour her wishes they cant! It creates a moral dilemma for the family.

If there's anyone who cares enough to remember me or be in anyway affected by my death they can do any manner of things put a plaque on a bench, meet in a pub for a farewell drink, make a donation to a charity y in my name or whatever they feel will help them, but what i absolutely do not want is a funeral service.

ThankYouDebbie · 04/05/2019 13:25

My Dad said towards the end of his life that he didn't want a funeral but tbh I think he was thinking more of saving us the hassle and expense. Me and my stepmother had already pretty much decided even before he died that we were going to have one anyway; I spoke to a few people and came down on the side of needing an event to mark it/bring family together. I thought it was important for my DS (11) to understand and go through the experience too.

The most difficult part was then the not knowing what readings or songs or anything he'd have wanted, so we were scrabbling around a bit to think of things. It would have been more helpful for us to have had some direction from him tbh, although we had to accept that he didn't actually give a monkey's what we did :-D

BigFatLiar · 04/05/2019 13:37

Provided your in reasonable nick (apart from being dead) don't forget organ donation and possibly leaving your body to science/medicine (medical students need to practice)

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 04/05/2019 14:28

No, it isn’t about you. All this respect the wishes stuff for someone who wants to control the grieving process of their loved ones? You can’t love them that much if you’d want to do that.

You can make it clear that they can do whatever they would like to, be in funeral or not.

But to tell your children, your spouse, that you don’t want a funeral? To order them not to do it? That’s awful. Awful.

feelingverylazytoday · 04/05/2019 14:49

WeepingWillow I think it's awful not to respect a family members wishes about disposal of their body.

lyralalala · 04/05/2019 14:52

Leaving your body to science always comes up in these threads, but it's nowhere near as easy as people think. You might not die in the right way, or at the right time or in the right place.

Plus some places also return your body to your loved ones. So a chunk of time down the line they get that call and have to deal with the funeral then.

DioneTheDiabolist · 04/05/2019 15:25

As others have said: Funerals are for the living. I think YAB extremely U to try to control how your family grieve for you. If they do what is best for them, they will feel guilty as well as bereaved. If they do as you ask, it means that they will not feel as comforted and supported in their grief.

Why would you want them to have to suffer at an already dreadful time OP?Confused

Babynut1 · 04/05/2019 15:27

DH’s nan has this.
It was all very strange. It’s all been a bit weird, DH has had no closure. She just died and that was that.

TSSDNCOP · 04/05/2019 15:30

Mine is going to be MASSIVE! I want church, hymns, eulogies, flowers, everyone in black, hats optional but preferable and a fabulous wake. People will be talking about it for years!

Genderwitched · 04/05/2019 15:45

I'm in the 'no funeral for me and I'd like you to respect my wishes' camp.

But what do the people who think that this is dreadful and controlling, think if it was the other way round. If, for example, the dead person had left wishes for an elaborate funeral, but the people left behind decided to not bother, not for financial reasons, and just go for a direct cremation type thing. Would that still be ok?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/05/2019 15:45

Yes, it is awful not to respect someone’s wishes about their funeral.

But I would argue that it is pretty cruel to insist on your wish not to have any sort of funeral if you know this will cause more pain to your family at a time which will already be very painful for them.

Basically, it is saying ”my dislike for funerals is more important than my family’s need for a chance to say a proper good bye. Having a funeral for me won’t cause me any pain - what with me already being dead - but I am going to insist on my right to choose and I don’t care if this causes more pain and hurt”.

CodLiverOil556 · 04/05/2019 15:46

I carry out these direct cremations and have had mixed reactions from families. Some are angry that they have been denied a celebration of the persons life. Others have said it's what they wanted so we have to honour that.

We've had people try to overturn the deceased will but were unsuccessful. I don't really have an opinion on them but do think that funerals are very expensive

floraloctopus · 04/05/2019 15:48

My parents have both left instructions that they are not having a funeral, they both the funeral director to deal with it and have no mourners there and then for the funeral director to privately dispose of the ashes.
They have paid for this already so I won't have much choice about it when the time comes, I can't say I relish the prospect of knowing one day that it is my mothers/fathers funeral and I am not able to be there.

Lungelady · 04/05/2019 15:54

I don't want people grieving for me. Should I reach 80, I consider that a good innings. Don't mope over the fact I am gone. You knew it was going to happen.

Thetreeonthehill · 04/05/2019 15:55

I told DD I wanted a straight to cremation job with no service and she was really surprised/upset. It’s an upsetting enough time so have changed it to cremation and whatever she wants to do at it in terms of readings, music etc etc. For myself I don’t care. No religious or spiritual beliefs, very matter or fact regarding death and totally not interested in how I’m disposed of but the one thing I absolutely don’t want is to make the whole thing more distressing for my family so was happy to change my plan.

DioneTheDiabolist · 04/05/2019 15:59

I don't want people grieving for me.
Grief is not a choice.

floraloctopus · 04/05/2019 16:05

Yes, she gave her reason- she doesn't like funerals.

Errm, Okay. Does anybody like funerals? I can't say I've ever been to one that I enjoyed.

TSSDNCOP · 04/05/2019 16:19

Genderwitch if I wasn't dead I'd be fucking spitting. My wishes are in writing and very specific.

Motoko · 04/05/2019 16:20

My mum died a month ago, and she had arranged a direct cremation, including the ashes being scattered in the garden of remembrance.

It's felt odd, not even having her ashes to scatter. One of my sons, and my daughter asked about the ashes, as they wanted to take some to have something made with them, so they can't do that now. My brother has been sorting everything out, as he was living with her, and he didn't even know what crematorium it would take place at.

I certainly don't feel any closure. It turned out that my brother had a wake for her, with his girlfriend and friends, mum's estranged husband, and my daughter. I haven't grieved either, which feels completely wrong.

I have a terminal illness, and when Mum told me about her plans, I did consider it for myself, but having experienced it now, I'm going to leave it for my husband and kids to decide. Maybe they will be ok with a direct cremation, but they get the ashes to either bury, or have something made.

After all, it's not going to matter to me whatever happens, but it will matter to them, and I don't want to distress them any more than is necessary.

PortiaCastis · 04/05/2019 16:25

I felt enormous grief for my Dad, he was only 56 and I'm very glad we had the chance to celebrate his life and say goodbye, grief is never a choice it's an emotion and realising you're never going to see someone again is bloody awful, going through their clothes and possessions isn't pleasant either nor is trying to comfort your Mum when you're in pieces yourself.
I didn't expect to lose my Dad when I was 20 he was always my rock and not being able to say goodbye to him would have made matters far far worse

Butchyrestingface · 04/05/2019 16:31

its not about saving money, i just dont want a funeral, i do not see what is wrong with that.

Where do you stand on the issue of entertaining visitors on the driveway?

Damntheman · 04/05/2019 16:37

YANBU op. I want to go straight to cremation too. That said though, once you're dead your family can and will do what they want.