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Original poster

9 year old entirely unable to get herself ready

160 replies

shitholiday2018 · 03/05/2019 11:09

My daughter is bright, sociable, articulate, lovely. She’s great company too. However she’s driving me mental. She is completely unable to get herself ready in the mornings. It drives me mad and, after numerous reminders, cajoling, encouragement, I end up shouting. This actually slows her down but I can’t help it as it seems so deliberate, yet it’s not. She’s not being disobedient, she just seems unable to stay on message.

I need to get to work after drop off so I can’t do the whole ‘we’ll Just be late and you explain it’ thing. Her sister is two years younger and gets herself ready on her own, even doing her own hair and feeding the animals. So there is contrast which doesn’t go in her favour.

You tell her to do a job and she either does 20 per cent and gets distracted or does none at all. She goes to do her teeth and ten minutes later she’s just singing to herself in th mirror. She half heartedly brushes her hair but actually gets nowhere. She doesn’t wash her face. She forgets her socks. She can’t find her shoes. And so on. It’s driving me insane.

I suggested a tick list this morning. She cried and said it was babyish. She wants to sort it but genuinely doesn’t know how. Cross mirnings make us all sad. Does anyone have any other suggestions? She wants to start walking to school on her own next year and I’ve said she can’t - I’ve said if I can’t trust her to do her teeth without micro management, I’m not trusting her to look carefully as she goes round the corner (no major roads, pretty safe walk). She has no road sense despite 5 years of walking to school with me prompting - look, listen etc. Unprompted she walks out without looking even now. Again, drives me wild.

What on earth can I do with her? I’m desperate for her to get more independence (apart from this issue she’s always been an old head on small shoulders, v mature in other ways bizarrely) but just can’t get her to take any responsibility for herself. At her age I was getting myself up and ready for school and taking myself there. Surely being able to get herself ready at 9 isn’t too big a demand?

Would love your wisdom pls. I hate shouting. She hates it too. I want a better solution, but I also want to get to work on time.

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 03/05/2019 11:11

Try the tick list. With a reward at the end of the week if she is ready within 30 mins of getting up. Be tough though, not ready, no rewards. Also use timers for teeth etc.

Still18atheart · 03/05/2019 11:11

What is she doing instead of getting ready? Procrastinating, sleeping and not getting up, or just being really slow in getting ready? Or combination

Lieinrequired · 03/05/2019 11:15

She sounds like my DD, also 10. In my case I think DD's dyspraxia also leads to her being disorganised.

I do not have any solution, sorry. I also find myself getting cross more than I want to.

Original poster
shitholiday2018 · 03/05/2019 11:17

Being really slow. She gets up naturally like the rest of us between 7-730. We leave at 830. No rushing, we have loads of time. She just gets distracted - staring into space, thing, singing, playing (piano, cats, etc). Honestly if I didn’t know her better I’d think it was defiance. I honestly don’t think it is.

Literally a timer, like a kitchen timer, put it on for 5 mins for teeth? I think I will do the tick list but she considers it babyish because we used reward charts when they were young for various things so she associates it with being a baby. Just wondered if there were other options she might think were more mature (ironic as a three year old can do most of these things with less prompting)

OP posts:
Mintandthyme · 03/05/2019 11:17

How is she generally with organisational skills ? Gross motor skills ?
I think I would look at dyspraxic traits ..

NorthEndGal · 03/05/2019 11:19

You can point out to her adults who need them, use tick lists all the time.
She may be one of those adults someday, so she needs to get over the idea of an aid being a babyish thing

Original poster
shitholiday2018 · 03/05/2019 11:19

*thinking, not thing!

She has no additional needs, apart from this!! She is extremely disorganised. Can’t remember what stuff to take each day (music, pe, after school club) but I think that’s too much for 9 - my husband can’t remember the timetable either!

OP posts:
Original poster
shitholiday2018 · 03/05/2019 11:21

North end I need a list for everything, home and work. Maybe I’ll tell her that. Good point.

Mint - I don’t want to label her but I do want to help her.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 03/05/2019 11:22

Can she get ready and organised when you're going somewhere other than work and school? Like if you were going out for the day and had to leave by a certain time?

Original poster
shitholiday2018 · 03/05/2019 11:23

Just - no she’s just as rubbish. It’s not a school thing, it’s a general self care/motivational thing I think.

OP posts:
SignedUpJust4This · 03/05/2019 11:23

I put this timer on for my 4yo and if she's not dressed by the time it goes off she gets no TV shows at all that day. Took her 3/4 days to get it. Its good because she can see the time ticking away.

9 year old entirely unable to get herself ready
Original poster
shitholiday2018 · 03/05/2019 11:23

Even for things she loves (parties, days out) she needs a rocket up her arse.

OP posts:
TeddybearBaby · 03/05/2019 11:23

I have this with my son, he’s 12 😱. My daughter is 9 and like your youngest. Just gets herself ready no problem.

My son is very easily distracted and a slow to wake person. We can’t have any tv on or any gadgets around him and it’s very hard work having to ‘egg him on’ all the time. I asked him to brush his teeth the other day and happened to walk past the bathroom where he was staring into space daydreaming whilst wearing one sock and a pair of pants. BRUSH YOUR TEETH!!!!!!! He annoys my husband more than me for some reason. I don’t know what the answer is but I know how you feel x

Original poster
shitholiday2018 · 03/05/2019 11:24

Ooh signedup - what’s that? Is it an app?

OP posts:
SignedUpJust4This · 03/05/2019 11:24

Sorry I can't get link but it's a kids timer app with a wheel that winds down.

9 year old entirely unable to get herself ready
SignedUpJust4This · 03/05/2019 11:25

There's a few of them. Search apps for kids timer

pikapikachu · 03/05/2019 11:26

Try the ticklist. Reassure her that it can be hidden if she has friends round and as soon as she's nailed it then it can be thrown away.

My Ds needed one for a while and is now in secondary so can have a discreet one (alarms on his phone for certain days like
PE, Food tech etc)

Original poster
shitholiday2018 · 03/05/2019 11:28

Teddybear- good to know I’m not alone! We have no tv or tech in mornings either so its not that. I do the ‘brush your teeth!!!’ Thing a lot - she’s just standing there!

We always say we’d love to live in ‘ddworld’ but sadly she has to learn to live in ours.

OP posts:
Original poster
shitholiday2018 · 03/05/2019 11:30

Signedup - thank you. I will look it up.

Pikachu - I didn’t think of the friends seeing it thing. I’ll reassure her. I will get her to make her own chart tonight so she had to think for herself about what needs to go in it.

OP posts:
Tidy2018 · 03/05/2019 11:38

Part of the solution to a smooth morning is a well-organised and relaxing bedtime routine. Getting the next day's clothes ready in the order she'll put them on. Preparing next day's drink and snack / lunch, packing school bag, etc.

Once the evening routine is established, the morning should be much easier.

What does her sister do differently? Can you get ready a bit earlier for a couple of mornings and quietly monitor instead of shouting or nagging. Is she easily distracted by untidiness? Is she eating slowly because the shouting gives her a stressy tummy?

You say you can't be late for work, so can you ask the school to have a gentle word about getting ready? Or does she lack focus there, too? Sometimes they can suggest different ways of maintaing focus and keeping a goal in mind.

Robotindisguise · 03/05/2019 11:42

I came on to say Dyspraxia too. She sounds exactly like my DD. PM me if you’d like advice on assessment, or visit the Dyspraxia Foundation website

BlueJava · 03/05/2019 11:44

Try the tick list - if she complains it's babyish tell her you will start treating her like she is growing up when she can get herself ready properly and on time. Make sure she is aware of times, it can be helpful "We leave at 8:30am" and be clear she needs her bag, shoes on and coat on by then.

Mintandthyme · 03/05/2019 11:46

Have her teachers identified any issues in school ?

Megs4x3 · 03/05/2019 11:46

Tell her that tick lists aren't babyish. Grownups use them but they call them 'to do' lists instead. I couldn't manage without them. Then get her to help make the list in chronological order with things she wants on it as well. She might think that singing in front of the bathroom mirror for 2 minutes each day is a really important part of her routine.!! :-)

TheTreeHearsYourSecret · 03/05/2019 11:46

Both my sons have a morning to do list, they are 16 and 13, it isn't babyish it is so they don't forget stuff, like put your watch on. It is second nature to them now because they have had them for years but it is still up as a reminder of things to do.