9 year old entirely unable to get herself ready

[shitholiday2018]

My daughter is bright, sociable, articulate, lovely. She’s great company too. However she’s driving me mental. She is completely unable to get herself ready in the mornings. It drives me mad and, after numerous reminders, cajoling, encouragement, I end up shouting. This actually slows her down but I can’t help it as it seems so deliberate, yet it’s not. She’s not being disobedient, she just seems unable to stay on message.

I need to get to work after drop off so I can’t do the whole ‘we’ll Just be late and you explain it’ thing. Her sister is two years younger and gets herself ready on her own, even doing her own hair and feeding the animals. So there is contrast which doesn’t go in her favour.

You tell her to do a job and she either does 20 per cent and gets distracted or does none at all. She goes to do her teeth and ten minutes later she’s just singing to herself in th mirror. She half heartedly brushes her hair but actually gets nowhere. She doesn’t wash her face. She forgets her socks. She can’t find her shoes. And so on. It’s driving me insane.

I suggested a tick list this morning. She cried and said it was babyish. She wants to sort it but genuinely doesn’t know how. Cross mirnings make us all sad. Does anyone have any other suggestions? She wants to start walking to school on her own next year and I’ve said she can’t - I’ve said if I can’t trust her to do her teeth without micro management, I’m not trusting her to look carefully as she goes round the corner (no major roads, pretty safe walk). She has no road sense despite 5 years of walking to school with me prompting - look, listen etc. Unprompted she walks out without looking even now. Again, drives me wild.

What on earth can I do with her? I’m desperate for her to get more independence (apart from this issue she’s always been an old head on small shoulders, v mature in other ways bizarrely) but just can’t get her to take any responsibility for herself. At her age I was getting myself up and ready for school and taking myself there. Surely being able to get herself ready at 9 isn’t too big a demand?

Would love your wisdom pls. I hate shouting. She hates it too. I want a better solution, but I also want to get to work on time.

@shitholiday2018 it is probably a bit heavy going for a 9 year old to read alone but it covers strategies for ages 4+

Thank you everyone. Bookworm I’m kind of with you. She’s doing well at school, shes got friends, she’s a kind friend and she’s a happy girl. I don’t think a diagnosis Is needed. I am comforted that I’m
Not alone and got lots of things from here now up my sleeve to help tackle it. Thank you.

Thanks bookshop. I’ve downloaded something similar called Time It. It’s visual and I’ve colour coded and used icons - I honestly think that she’ll love it. It’s a countdown so if she beats the clock on something she has more time at the end to play/sing/stare at clouds. And if she doesn’t I’ll show her all my home and work to do lists and encourage her to make her own.

Thanks pasha, I’ll read myself first then!

My sister was like this. Due to her being bright, sociable and lovely no-one noticed how much she was struggling. She had ADHD. Diagnosed as an adult. Her daughter has ADHD and other issues and getting ready in the morning is her kryptonite!
A checklist helps (if anyone can find the checklist)! Mostly though mornings in my sisters house are hard work and my niece cannot walk to school alone as she could not be trusted to get there.

I think the tick list will s the way to go, even though she resists it.

But I came on to say she soundsJUST like my son. In many ways mature, his year 5 teacher remarked he was more perceptive than a lot of adults. But mornings? Holy Moses he was just like your dd.
Then he went to senior school, a massive comp from a tiny village school, and suddenly he’s packing his own bag, checking his timetable to take the right kit, putting his tablet on charge, as well as getting dressed with no prompting. It was like a switch flicked.

There is Hope op!

ha ha, DH is like this....DS too....oh, the joys I have trying to get them both out the house at the same time 'herding kittens' is a phrase invented for my life. Recently someone was telling me about her son's dyspraxia and a lightbulb went on. However, when I looked online, I couldn't see much that fitted. The distraction though......god, it tests me every day......

That’s good to hear ohyes! We are tiny school to big comp too which is why I want to give her responsibility gradually before it drops on her like ten tons of shit.

Cath, that’s interesting. Why was your sister diagnosed as an adult may I ask?

I've skipped to the bottom, so hopefully this isn't redundant...

Tell her tick lists (check lists) are the very opposite of babyish, they were invented so pilots of multi-engine planes would remember to complete all the tasks necessary before a safe take-off.

I've had a run in with my 9 yr old this morning. Everyone else managed to get ready, she procrastinates, faffs, does anything else but get a move on. We have to tell her we're leaving 15 mins early every time we go somewhere. She can tell the time, she's very bright... she just underestimates how long everything takes and how much time she has left. She ended up in tears this morning after even her slightly older brother shouted at her to get a move on...
I'be explained if she had to get the train to be at work on time she'd need to get cracking. She needs to be there for registration... time doesn't stop just because something in her sock drawer is fascinating etc etc...
Anyway. No real solutions, just came to say you are not alone!

She’ll like that Petty - thank you!

Mine is similar. Tick lists until shecan remember by herself and rewards too.

Passthecake - I hear you! The worst thing this morning was that after we’d made up (bottom of road) she said ‘I missed you this morning Mummy’ With a wobbly lip. Felt shit.

My 9 yr old dd sounds a copy of yours OP. She is dyspraxic with some inattention issues but in every other way she is amazing. Mine doesn't 'look' dyspraxic either and no one would know.

That sounds like me at your daughters age (I got diagnosed with dyspraxia at 10 after years of teachers saying she seems really clever when you talk to her but she's physically slow and lazy) ,as PP's have said it could be just her personality but it could be something else.
Tell her adults need tick sheets for some things, I got getting ready quicker eventually but it took me till 11 to get there but i still use to do lists for certain things and that's perfectly okay to do, it's getting the job done on time that matters not how she gets there.

One of mine is similar. Helps to seem more grown up if she develops her own tick lists in a format that suits her (with assistance as needed) so she's in control rather than just being given a list of things mum said to do.
If she has a phone there are plenty of apps for lists and scheduling (so def not babyish), if not a whiteboard works well.

I have a similar almost 8 DD. My approach is the same as Stoppinby. The only thing I would add is that I often just get dressed and brush my teeth alongside my DD. She is much more efficient when she has company and it is much more sociable than shouting at her constantly. It takes me the same time to get ready whether or not I have company and sometimes means I have 5 minutes extra with my cup of tea before we go.

My other comment is that it might be a symptom of wanting a bit more attention and positive reinforcement from her DM. If her younger sister is getting praised for getting on with things and then finds herself with plenty time for extras you might think this would encourage her to do likewise. However my experience with my 3 (and the 2 older ones are close in age) is that the one you are shouting at sees things very differently. In short even negative attention is good if they feel it is the only sort they are capable of getting.

Final thought is I am surprised to see so many comments about ADHD etc. To me the behaviour is very very normal for an 8-10 year old bright DD with a busy imagination and much more lofty things to consider than getting dressed and brushing her teeth.

We are all on a spectrum aren’t we?

Sorry OP. Just had to jump in here. No, if you're talking about adhd/autism/dyspraxia/dyslexia etc. The answer is no, we aren't.

One cohort of the population are neurotypical and the other cohort are neurodiverse.

The spectrum applies to the neurodiverse only.

Op, my 15 year old is just like yours; drives me insane. The younger sibling is so different; always organised and ready without nagging and reminders.

afterschool - is that scientific fact or conjecture? My view is that we are all on a spectrum, some at the typical end and others at the less typical end. Who says there are two distinct camps and who decides who joins which?!

I’m still rubbish at getting myself organised and get distracted despite otherwise being successful in my job. I’ve had to develop strategies to deal with it so it doesn’t cause chaos and lots of fed up people - pomodoro timers, to do lists, reminders in my online diary. I think some people are just better at it than others, like with most things, but over the next year or so she’ll still need to find ways to get herself sorted in the mornings

I’m quite distractable as is my ds and it drives me insane. Absolutely insane. But I get ready for the day easily enough.

Ds hasn’t clocked that time actually does run away with you - he doesn’t have a very good internal clock. It’s like you tell him and he forgets. Then at the very last minute he rushes which stresses me out as I don’t know if he’ll be ready in time.

He’s like this with other stuff - messages don’t stick in his head and he then gets in trouble for disobeying. Or he interprets something literally and does something which is obvious (to me) that he shouldn’t have done it but it isn’t to him.

I’ve got ds a watch and big digital clocks around the house. This helps him to see when time is moving and when he needs to be ready.

But he’s finding it harder to wake in the mornings - maybe he’s becoming a teenager early!!!

I'd break down the tasks, so for example face wash as soon as she gets up while you wake her sister, you can prompt to make sure she gets it done initially and instil that so it's habit. Then, clothes on before she can have breakfast so she keeps getting sent back upstairs until she's fully dressed with shoes on. Breaking up the tasks with breakfast might make it easier.

Hair brushing just supervise until she's getting dressed automatically, it would be easier to get the other bits into a routine first. Teeth are more difficult, children really aren't supposed to have full responsibility for brushing their teeth until age 11/12, so you should really be supervising that still for her.

Don't know if this has been said previously, but how is she when getting changed for PE?

The word spectrum is loaded imho, but I agree with you OH about a continuum, I think there are two distinct types and lots of people who are in between and lean to varying degrees one way or the other. In addition to the book recommended above I would recommend Golon's book Raising Topsy Turvy Kids and also Jeffrey Freed's Right-brained Children in a Left-brained World. Both helped me to make the switch from wondering which label to give my child to realising that no label is necessary (although they are helpful for some). He's just got a different way of seeing the world. He's in good company and I'm slowly figuring out how to get through to him... there's lots of good advice on this thread.

shitholiday2018

That is scientific fact.