9 year old entirely unable to get herself ready

[shitholiday2018]

My daughter is bright, sociable, articulate, lovely. She’s great company too. However she’s driving me mental. She is completely unable to get herself ready in the mornings. It drives me mad and, after numerous reminders, cajoling, encouragement, I end up shouting. This actually slows her down but I can’t help it as it seems so deliberate, yet it’s not. She’s not being disobedient, she just seems unable to stay on message.

I need to get to work after drop off so I can’t do the whole ‘we’ll Just be late and you explain it’ thing. Her sister is two years younger and gets herself ready on her own, even doing her own hair and feeding the animals. So there is contrast which doesn’t go in her favour.

You tell her to do a job and she either does 20 per cent and gets distracted or does none at all. She goes to do her teeth and ten minutes later she’s just singing to herself in th mirror. She half heartedly brushes her hair but actually gets nowhere. She doesn’t wash her face. She forgets her socks. She can’t find her shoes. And so on. It’s driving me insane.

I suggested a tick list this morning. She cried and said it was babyish. She wants to sort it but genuinely doesn’t know how. Cross mirnings make us all sad. Does anyone have any other suggestions? She wants to start walking to school on her own next year and I’ve said she can’t - I’ve said if I can’t trust her to do her teeth without micro management, I’m not trusting her to look carefully as she goes round the corner (no major roads, pretty safe walk). She has no road sense despite 5 years of walking to school with me prompting - look, listen etc. Unprompted she walks out without looking even now. Again, drives me wild.

What on earth can I do with her? I’m desperate for her to get more independence (apart from this issue she’s always been an old head on small shoulders, v mature in other ways bizarrely) but just can’t get her to take any responsibility for herself. At her age I was getting myself up and ready for school and taking myself there. Surely being able to get herself ready at 9 isn’t too big a demand?

Would love your wisdom pls. I hate shouting. She hates it too. I want a better solution, but I also want to get to work on time.

Hi Tidy, bags the night before is a good idea. I’ll try this.

They eat before theyc are dressed (job one, they get it themselves with a bit of help if it involves heating stuff up like porridge), so no stress tummy then, though she is a naturally slow eater. For a big brained girl, she is physically slow at everything, get natural pace is slow (like her dad). If she didn’t get distracted, she could dovall her jobs at her natural pace in the time we have. It’s iust the distraction.

I know the shouting doesn’t help. I need to reign it in but when you have to tell a bright 9 year old to brush her teeth ten times within half an hour, it would challenge even the most patient (which I most certainly am not).
Focus at school Fine but she’s very bright so doesn’t find it challenging. We have no issue with her rattling through work and then having time in ddworld, rather than being pushed. We don’t want her to be pushed.

My 8 year old too. Hes almost 9 and drives us potty!!
'Go brush your teeth and wash your face'
10 minutes later he appears from the bathroom 'brush my teeth and what??'

I'll tell him to put his shoes on and he will say he dont know where they are, I then shout because this is every fucking day. Take them off in the same place and leave them there!

Hes a bit behind with learning in general but the lack of personal care without prompting is very much a nightmare.

We have a tick list for him now. It went better because he made it himself, also has one for getting his school bag ready.

We are improving slowly I think.

I used to really struggle getting my DC ready for school before I introduced a reward chart. Now they earn points for getting ready without being promoted every day and if they get enough points at the end of the week they can have sweets and iPad time. They all get dressed as soon as they wake up then go get breakfast, it’s brilliant.

Is there any way you could take some time off work, or have a week where you go in later - so that you could do the 'OK, you are going to be late and you will have to explain it to your teacher' bit? Or do it at the weekends, and accept that you are going to miss some things, or be late to them - if she misses a party, or has less time on a day out, maybe that will help her realise that her disorganisation will have consequences for her - and then she may be more amenable to a plan that helps her change - tick sheet/timer etc.

Thetree - thankyou. Can I ask what their list looks like? Paper or something else? Is it on the wall? If it’s not fixed I’d wprry she’d lose it.

Outvoid - mine have sweets /treats at the weekend and ipads/tv (none really in week). If yours don’t tick their boxes, do you withhold those things from just one child?

She is extremely disorganised. Can’t remember what stuff to take each day (music, pe, after school club) but I think that’s too much for 9 - my husband can’t remember the timetable either!

I now have 7 A4 sheets on the kitchen wall detailing exactly what needs getting ready the night before. I have also put things in dedicated places. DS' hockey gear all has to be put back in a box under his bed, music stuff all has to be in the dining room etc etc. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't but we were having total nightmares in the morning with tantruming because DS couldn't find anything, DD couldn't find shoes etc. etc.

Also a SHOE RACK has changed my life. We don't have a huge amount of space so we have a door-mounted one. Everyone HAS to put shoes on the rack as soon as they get through the door. It saves at least 10 minutes every morning!

Good luck - I have nothing for you other than the above - DS - 10 is total faffer and spends ages just looking out of his bedroom window stark-bollock naked so I do indeed feel your pain.

I immediately thought ADHD inattentive type

ADHD symptoms can manifest very differently in each child. You may have a boy who has been diagnosed with ADHD, but never considered that your daughter who is having trouble in school might also have it too because her issues seem so different from his. ADHD symptoms in girls are often thought of as characters of a girl’s personality rather than ADHD, which is why they are often overlooked or explained away.

Signs to Look Out For
Not all girls with ADHD will exhibit all of the following signs and symptoms. Conversely, having one or two of these does not equal an ADHD diagnosis in and of itself. However, if your daughter seems to exhibit a few of these symptoms on a continual basis, a discussion with an experienced professional may be beneficial.

Difficulty maintaining focus; easily distracted
Shifting focus from one activity to another
Disorganized and messy (in her appearance and physical space)
Forgetful
Problems completing tasks
Daydreaming and in a world of her own
Takes time to process information and directions; seems like she doesn't hear you
Looks to be making "careless" mistakes
Often late (poor time management)
Hyper-talkative (always has lots to say, but is not good at listening)
Hyperreactivity (exaggerated emotional responses)
Verbally impulsive; blurts out and interrupts others
Seems to get easily upset
Highly sensitive to noise, fabrics, and emotions
Doesn’t seem motivated
Doesn’t appear to be trying
Seems shy
Appears withdrawn
Cries easily
Might often slam her doors shut

www.verywellmind.com/adhd-in-girls-symptoms-of-adhd-in-girls-20547

It doesnt mean she needs to be diagnosed or anything, often just knowing you might have some of those traits helps to accept them and know that you are not "naughty" or 'bad' it is just the genetic hand that you got dealt. Then you have to employ the strategies to get through your day - like lists and alarms etc with no judgement, just relief that there are techniques that can help you

Danni - sounds like here! Esp the shoes which are where theybe been left th day before, don’t get me started on putting things back where they belong.... sounds like the tick lIst is helping though, so that’s brilliant.

Drat - posted too soon.

I meant to add that ds2, in particular, went through a phase of being very bad at organisation - not so much the getting up and getting dressed bit, but making sure he'd done his homework and packed the right stuff in his bag - he was in the first year of senior school at that point.

For a couple of weeks, I would sit down with him every evening, and supervise whilst he went through his bag, his timetable for the next day, and his homework diary, so we both knew what homework he had, when it was due, and that he had everything he needed in his bag.

It wasn't the easiest thing to do - he was pretty resistant and got stroppy about it, but I persisted, and he got better, and soon we were able to leave it up to him.

I did also let him deal with the consequences, if he forgot something vital - I was a SAHM, but I refused to drive up to school with forgotten homework - I learned that lesson when ds1 went to senior school - he also went through a forgetful phase, and on several occasions he rang me in a panic, and I ran up to school with forgotten homework - until one day the school secretary told us both off, and said I was not allowed to be in and out of the school that way.

When ds1 had gone off, she said to me that, actually, it was fine for me to nip up to school if necessary - but that she was sure I had much better things to do with my time than to run errands for a forgetful schoolboy, so she was giving me the perfect excuse to refuse, the next time he asked! She was a legend - and ds1 never asked again.

Innatentive adhd??

"Symptoms of inattentive type include:

missing details and becoming distracted easily.trouble focusing on the task at hand.becoming bored quickly.difficulty learning or organizing new information.trouble completing homework or losing items needed to stay on task.becoming confused easily or daydreaming frequently."

Seatoski - thank you. She has many of those traits but not all. All the dithery ones though. And the drama/talks but doesn’t listen. But lots of 9 year olds do? But agreecthat it’s not deliberate or malicious hence dealing with calmness is much better for Everyone. It just pushes all my buttons. I go at 100 mph super efficiently so this behaviour is just an anathema to me.

The tick list sounds like thecway forward.

I have (and was) a dilly dallier. I find that what works best is to actually help/work with her.

For example, DD, bring your clothes here so I can help you and then pass her each item as needed, it takes less time and stress than getting upset because they aren't getting ready. I don't think that tick charts work with these kids very well because they get so upset when they keep failing that it is counterproductive.

I get my DD to help me pack her lunch while breakfast is cooking (porridge) then we all sit and eat, brush teeth together, I do her hair and she puts her shoes on while I put on DS's shoes and my own.

I too find it incredibly frustrating to be the parent of a dilly dallier but I know that I turned out to be really good at working quickly and multi tasking as an adult so I hold out hope that one day she will get there..... one.... blasted....very far away day lol.

I’m loathe to label her or start armchair diagnoses as a rule I hate that on here lol, however she does sound exactly like me. Me now and me at her age, I’m quite badly dyspraxic and honestly even now at nearly 30 I need to get as much as I can ready the night before then get up extra early with a tick list of my own otherwise I’ve no hope of getting anywhere on time or doing it correctly/remembering everything etc.

It’s a royal pain in the arse, maybe look into dyspraxia even if just to tick off the list.

Some of what you say sounds like my dd10. She gets partially ready ok but will leave it before socks or.something if not reminded.

She also has no road sense.

My dd was struggling too. We now have a chat after breakfast where I remind her to brush teeth, wash face, clothes on and hair brushed by 8am. She has a clock and manages herself. We have to leave at 8.30 so she gets time to relax when ready (I have cushion to get her moving if needed). At 8.25 its shoes and jacket and bag is packed night before.
Key for us was routine. Always after breakfast give the same list teeth, face, clothes and hair. We only started recently and seen big improvements already. Also uniform organised night before.

Sounds just like me and my middle daughter, it's really difficult. I had always assumed it was some kind of reverse/ reactive nurture and because my mum is really focused and organised and I am so crap, my DD s all would be too!

I once went home from a trip away with no shoes at all, family would take bets on how long my drink would last on the dinner table, my baby sister would make my breakfast for me, I wasn't allowed to the corner shop alone after her (and never complained ... Didn't seem sensible to me either!). I could go on.

The tick sheet is great - nurses swear by them! My DD is a bit better now at 11 but we all just try and help.

You're going to have to start a tick list. It's used for ASD kids. Effective?

I love lists. Tell her it's not babyish. Or even if it is, what is she suggesting as an alternative ? Lists are good.

And have a list for what she needs to get ready the night before for music, pe etc.

She has to get organised.

I mean I thought my DDs would all be really organised because I am so awful.

Maybe my son has some sort of adhd...... I don’t think I understood what it was properly. As well as what I told you earlier op he started secondary school in September and he forgot so much stuff and got so many consequence points for it that they sent him on an organisational course (didn’t work), I’ve had to pay £5 3 times for lost locker keys and now he just doesn’t use it, his teacher felt so sorry for him that she let him keep his lab coat in her cupboard.

A tick list wouldn’t work with him. He’d forget to do it! We do insist that he packs his bag at night and gets his stuff ready and I do think that definitely helps!

He’s so lovable and I know he can’t help it. I actually feel sorry for him about it. He is fine at school and he manages to concentrate there I think. He’s good at sports too so no problems with dexterity. It’s not something I’ve ever thought I could look into, just thought it’s the way he is!

We have similar. Dd will not brush teeth unless supervised. There's always something pointless that she 'needs' to attend to. She won't get up for ages. Plays with pet. Generally procrastinates. I might try a Friday treat if she's made it to school without a late card every day. These things are short lived though ime, but worth a try. Your dd might like writing own list maybe on nice planning stationary. Putting a time next to each thing would definitely make it less babyish. Oh no. Now I'm going to have to try that myself. Not holding out much hope.

I'm watching this thread with interest. My DS are younger, but God I find the mornings stressful and hard work because the pair of them dither along constantly. I have to get up at 6am to get ready before them, they get up at 7am and even still every morning feels like a stressful rush because the pair of them seen intent on doing everything other than getting ready.

I'm also a bit concerned about the behaviors some people have listed for Adhd because that describes my eldest DS down to a T.

You have just described my son op.

Thanks for all the comments,

Stoppinby, you sound bloody lovely. I wish I could be as nice as you! I’m going to try.

Everyone talking diagnoses: I’ll talk to th school. No one has ever mentioned. But she’s a high achiever and well behaved so they probably have bigger fish to fry. But I will mention it to them.

Main thing it seems is to accept it’s part of her dna and help her deal woth it. I don’t want to damage her self esteem - it’s fragile anyway (vacillates from precocious to zero confidence and back at breakneck speed). Diagnosis should be irrelevant to the measures we take to help her.

Just downloaded Time It app. It’s brillisbt. I have made her a schedule she can tweak tonight. I think that might get her more interested, she loves tech.