9 year old entirely unable to get herself ready

[shitholiday2018]

My daughter is bright, sociable, articulate, lovely. She’s great company too. However she’s driving me mental. She is completely unable to get herself ready in the mornings. It drives me mad and, after numerous reminders, cajoling, encouragement, I end up shouting. This actually slows her down but I can’t help it as it seems so deliberate, yet it’s not. She’s not being disobedient, she just seems unable to stay on message.

I need to get to work after drop off so I can’t do the whole ‘we’ll Just be late and you explain it’ thing. Her sister is two years younger and gets herself ready on her own, even doing her own hair and feeding the animals. So there is contrast which doesn’t go in her favour.

You tell her to do a job and she either does 20 per cent and gets distracted or does none at all. She goes to do her teeth and ten minutes later she’s just singing to herself in th mirror. She half heartedly brushes her hair but actually gets nowhere. She doesn’t wash her face. She forgets her socks. She can’t find her shoes. And so on. It’s driving me insane.

I suggested a tick list this morning. She cried and said it was babyish. She wants to sort it but genuinely doesn’t know how. Cross mirnings make us all sad. Does anyone have any other suggestions? She wants to start walking to school on her own next year and I’ve said she can’t - I’ve said if I can’t trust her to do her teeth without micro management, I’m not trusting her to look carefully as she goes round the corner (no major roads, pretty safe walk). She has no road sense despite 5 years of walking to school with me prompting - look, listen etc. Unprompted she walks out without looking even now. Again, drives me wild.

What on earth can I do with her? I’m desperate for her to get more independence (apart from this issue she’s always been an old head on small shoulders, v mature in other ways bizarrely) but just can’t get her to take any responsibility for herself. At her age I was getting myself up and ready for school and taking myself there. Surely being able to get herself ready at 9 isn’t too big a demand?

Would love your wisdom pls. I hate shouting. She hates it too. I want a better solution, but I also want to get to work on time.

Also recommend getting ready before breakfast.

ADHD family here. Calm chivvying is the only effective method, and it is very hard work. And that is after clothes laid out the night before and all kinds of incentives. I am constantly chirping “Are you on track?” And “Do you remember what you are supposed to be doing?” When I actually want to rant. Which would be unfair and hypocritical since they got ADHD from me.

could you look at this and see if she has any of the other characteristics of slow processing speed (she won't necessarily have them all)

Reminds me of myself and one of my sisters.

We both have adhd which wasn't recognised until we were adults.

We were also bright, sociable, more or less well liked and well behaved... And our slowness, disorganization etc was seen as deliberate defiance or as us simply not caring.

I would not dream of trying to diagnose anybody. Especially not through a screen.

But it does sound awfully familiar to me.

Adhd in girls often presents different than in boys. Which is why some people that are even fairly knowledgeable on the issue misread or dismiss the signs... At least in my experience.

To add to my comment...

It is my experience that children who get good grades, don't misbehave too much etc fall through the 'net'.

And when there is indeed a problem that leads to outside attention (whether it's by parents or teachers) it's generally dismissed as just not trying. Or just not wanting to try...

Being told that you aren't trying or that you simply don't care (in my case in regards punctuality, organisation, neat writing, remembering things on my 'to do list etc') is incredibly toxic and feels genuinely soul destroying.

And it is my experience that a nice little app or a to do list isn't a 'fix'. Well, it's debatable whether there's any fix but it's more of a holistic approach that's needed. At least ime.
Ah. Weirdly enough.... More time isn't necessarily better than less. At least not for me.

Yup uniform and banana in the bag as breakfast if they haven't got dressed and eaten by the time I need to leave. They soon learn.
3 minute warning is given and it's surprising what you can do in 3 mins.

I know a lot of people have mentioned ADD/ADHD etc but have you considered a slight Executive functioning issue? Lots of difficulty with organisation, time management, working memory, keeping on track etc.

www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/325402.php#what-is-it

DD2 is like this and nearly 11, though has got a bit better recently. I think you just have to look at the positives and accept them for who they are, that kids are all different and some will need more help with things for longer than others or in a different way.

DD2 has always operated in her own time zone, but is nearly always of a sunny disposition, makes everyone laugh, is very popular and gregarious and is also good at sport. To ask for more would seem greedy!

DD2 isn't lazy or inattentive at school though, she always tries her best and wants to do well. I think she just kicks back at home where she feels comfortable, which is fair enough.

My sister was like this (still is - 29 years later). I remember as a child her being told to do something, she'd get distracted half way through and take 2 hours to put clothes on unless my mum went to dress her.

She isnt dysoraxic. Its just the way she is and its become a lovable trait!