9 year old entirely unable to get herself ready

[shitholiday2018]

My daughter is bright, sociable, articulate, lovely. She’s great company too. However she’s driving me mental. She is completely unable to get herself ready in the mornings. It drives me mad and, after numerous reminders, cajoling, encouragement, I end up shouting. This actually slows her down but I can’t help it as it seems so deliberate, yet it’s not. She’s not being disobedient, she just seems unable to stay on message.

I need to get to work after drop off so I can’t do the whole ‘we’ll Just be late and you explain it’ thing. Her sister is two years younger and gets herself ready on her own, even doing her own hair and feeding the animals. So there is contrast which doesn’t go in her favour.

You tell her to do a job and she either does 20 per cent and gets distracted or does none at all. She goes to do her teeth and ten minutes later she’s just singing to herself in th mirror. She half heartedly brushes her hair but actually gets nowhere. She doesn’t wash her face. She forgets her socks. She can’t find her shoes. And so on. It’s driving me insane.

I suggested a tick list this morning. She cried and said it was babyish. She wants to sort it but genuinely doesn’t know how. Cross mirnings make us all sad. Does anyone have any other suggestions? She wants to start walking to school on her own next year and I’ve said she can’t - I’ve said if I can’t trust her to do her teeth without micro management, I’m not trusting her to look carefully as she goes round the corner (no major roads, pretty safe walk). She has no road sense despite 5 years of walking to school with me prompting - look, listen etc. Unprompted she walks out without looking even now. Again, drives me wild.

What on earth can I do with her? I’m desperate for her to get more independence (apart from this issue she’s always been an old head on small shoulders, v mature in other ways bizarrely) but just can’t get her to take any responsibility for herself. At her age I was getting myself up and ready for school and taking myself there. Surely being able to get herself ready at 9 isn’t too big a demand?

Would love your wisdom pls. I hate shouting. She hates it too. I want a better solution, but I also want to get to work on time.

My younger sister is dyspraxic and didn't get diagnosed until 15. She sounds very similar and I dressed her till she was about eleven. It's a condition that affects motor coordination and function and the initiation and ordering if timers didn't work as the stress and anxiety causes a stop in the brain. We started out by writing a list then laying out her clothes in the order they needed to be put on. At first she needed help then eventually started being able to remember her older. At 35 she does this now. Then a verbal prompt to brush teeth etc etc. She will learn modeliimg what her sister is doing keep it as relaxed as possible and give plenty of time. Honestly even now she is a funny uncoordinated woman but she is kind intelligent and has brilliant career so all is not lost OP . I hope your daughter is able to improve

You may want to have her assessed for ADHD. It's more common in boys but can and does occur in girls.

Similar frustrations here. Did well at primary school, well behaved, ticking along academically. Nice friendship group. No suggestion of anything from school. Organisational skills, well, I had to do everything! Leaving the house was a marathon.

ASD and dyspraxic tendencies.

I obviously am not in a position to suggest anything about anyone else, just speaking of my own experience. Some children are maybe just a bit dreamy.

Move to big school very stressful but at least by then, some support in place. I dread to think what would have happened otherwise. Possibly lots of detentions for lost and forgotten items!

Re the labelling thing: My husband was diagnosed with ADHD last year. He's in his mid-40s. He has struggled his entire life with thinking he's stupid, wondering what's wrong with him becasue he can't hold a thought in his head, coped with parents and teachers being constantly disappointed in him becasue he hasn't lived up to his potential. If he'd known about his ADHD 20 or 30 years ago, he probably wouldn't have the depression or anxiety that he's struggled with as a result of being undiagnosed.

Giving my ADHD daughter a "label" has helped school understand why she sometimes zoned out, and has meant she's not sanctioned for inattention of being hyper. Giving her a label has meant that her dance examiners don't knock point off her grades for being a bit fidgety when waiting to dance. It's meant the ABRSM examiners will give her a bit more time and understanding on her sight reading in her music exams. But most of all it's meant that she understands why she struggles with some things and won't grow up blaming herself.

Labels are bloody fabulous for neurodiverse people.

Get her up earlier?

Kirsty Allsop (whatever I feel about her politically!) sells a lovely check pad with days of the week and tick boxes. It’s bright and colourful but not babyish at all, and your DD could fill it in each night. It’s on amazon I think.

As an adult I’ve always had the reputation of being really organised and efficient but as a child I was more like your DD. Bedroom an absolute bombsite, 3 hours to find a missing library book or shoe, etc. It took making lists for me to change and now I’m a total list addict. No one who knows me now would believe what I used to be like

A fixed checklist maybe wouldn’t work as well as things change day to day. The action of writing the list the night before could help your DD fix all the tasks in her mind?

This is the chart:
www.amazon.co.uk/Kirstie-Allsopp-To-Do-Pad/dp/B00OXYYE0G?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

What about a getting ready for school playlist as well as a ticklist?

Track 1 - make bed
Track 2 - get dressed
Track 3 - brush hair
Track 4 - have breakfast

It might be easier if at the start (maybe for a week?) you can get yourself totally ready to leave before she starts so that you can be with her whilst she goes through each task so she can stay focused.

Choose songs that you BOTH love - for us it might be something by Abba, greatest showman, frozen soundtrack etc?

My DS(6) is the same as OP's DD.
I deal with it by getting him ready first thing before he has a chance to start faffing.
So as soon as I'm up, I'm in his bedroom physically handing him his clothes and asking him to put them on.
"put your pants on. Now put your socks on. Here's your shirt-put it on next"
Breakfast happens after he's dressed - - and might be a Nutella sandwich while walking down the street if needs must--
TV time is a reward for getting dressed quickly.
I've got my own get-ready time down to 15 mins to accommodate this shenanigans.
It's frustrating because his 4 Yr old sister just gets up and puts on clothes, although she does faff a little choosing which ones, the little diva.
I do suspect DS has ADHD btw as he's very inattentive and figity at school.
I have described this thread to him and asked him what he thinks the Mum should do. He said "she should just ask her politely" which Im sure the OP already knows and is trying to do-but is true nonetheless.

But the problem is differences aren't excepted. The label brings the support and accommodations you need. Otherwise you get labelled as lazy and disorganised. Personally I'd rather have the ADHD label and get the support and help I needed!

I think her attention issues are more of a problem than just her morning routine. Yes you May be able to improve that with your strategies as many of them are used to help people with ADHD but what about all the other situations when you need to be organised and have a good working memory. It affects everythng. You can't do a tick list for everything in her life.

I would also be much more concerned about the safety aspects you mention. She should be able to reliably look when crossing a road by now. What other safety issues are there going to be if she can't hold her attention for long enough as she gets older? Leaving the gas on, not locking the door, the list goes on.

DS1 was just like this aged 10 (he's a bit better now at 13 but still very disorganised). He has dyspraxia. I still found it hard not to get very frustrated with it, as did he.

My son is exactly like this OP. He is 11 and starting secondary in September. He's very bright, articulate and working at greater depth in all subjects (dropped just a couple of points in his mock SATs) but lives in a total dream world which everyone who knows him refers to as "TobyWorld" (not his real name). He is always writing stories and creating mythical places for his creations to live. He is, what an Enid Blyton novel would call, a "scatterbrain".

He is a very slow eater and always has been. He can spend 20 minutes in the shower just singing to himself but not actually getting clean! Although this is happening less often since the occasion when he had a head full of shampoo suds when the hot water ran out and he had to rinse off quickly in increasingly cold water

This year (in preparation for secondary) we have implemented the "everything needs to be sorted the night before" rule. School bag sorted, any sports kit required is bagged and ready by the front door, tomorrow's uniform laid out on the chair in his room etc. We also have a shoe rack just inside the front door and he has 2 pairs of trainers - just in case he leaves one pair in his PE kit at school. He's NT but just has absolutely no sense of urgency which drives me crazy! I hope the app, lists and other tips you've picked up on help your daughter.

It does sound very much like ADHD and/or dyspraxia.

Break tasks down and ask her to do only one thing at a time. A timer might help.

I could have written this exact post (including the distracted by playing piano/with cats/singing etc!). I think I will try a tick list too. She genuinely does get distracted, though; she has mild Tourette’s which doesn’t help, I think, as she is really procrastinates and is distracted by the slightest thing (although not in school, it appears).

Sounds like my daughter. We recently discovered that despite passing her 11 plus she has working memory issues and gets distracted / forgets what she is meant to be doing. She does not have adhd but we have been using adhd told.
Suggest she times how long it takes to do each stage ie get dressed, breakfast etc and she then writes her own timetable ie wake up at 7, breakfast 7-7.20pm - Make sure she leaves 5mins at the end for emergencies. Reward and praise her for success.

Thought I’d update on this. I got my daughter to use the timer app as recommended, and which I’d completed with all her morning tasks with pretty generous timescales. She managed to stop the clock by accident the first couple of days (and you cant then skip to the right activity, which was a bit annoying) but today, for the first time, she used it for the whole Morning and we were ready on time and with everyone happy. I did find her playing Lego at one point, when she said ‘I finished my teeth a couple of minutes early though!’ which initially made me a bit annoyed. I then realised that I hadn’t said to keep going even if you beat the clock, and play at the end, so I’ve planted this message too.

Thank you so much to whoever recommended this route. It’s perfect for her. And it means I can say ‘how are you going on the clock’ not ‘do your teeth!!’ which puts her squarely in control. I think she rather enjoyed being in control, but also liked having the fun colourful icons to keep her on track, rather than shouty mum. So, so helpful. Thank you.

That is really good to hear, @shitholiday2018.

People complain about the effects of technology on children today, but it is a great tool too.

Completely agree SDT, I’m not a massive fan of tech (prob a bit old fashioned and a bit ignorant about it, if I’m honest) but it really did come to the rescue on this, and was the perfect solution for a child who loves tech.

Hi,
I’m a bit late to your post but I just thought I’d add my son sounds very similar to your daughter at her age and I was of the same mindset as you with regard to not labelling. It was starting to cause issues from about year 4 at junior school. I avoided doing anything about it just trying all the strategies that are talked about on here which sometimes worked but as soon as we had a different routine, weekends/holidays fell apart. No matter how patient you are it is very hard not to become frustrated with them. My son continued to struggle at senior school and it really affected his self esteem. Unfortunately this culminated into him developing severe depression and anxiety in year 10 after which he was also diagnosed with dyspraxia and inattentive adhd. I deeply regret not doing anything about it sooner as I feel with the diagnosis he would of had better support. He is now medicated and it seems to be helping although he is still recovering from the depression. It’s very hard to know what they will grow out of which was what I kept getting told but I would say you have nothing to lose in getting her assessed if she hasn’t got it your strategies alone will work.

Look into ADHD/ADD strategies.

I’m not saying it’s ADD, but it sounds like those are the sort of strategies she needs.

This describes my daughter well. I've been suspecting adhd, although she's only 6. No physical coordination issues so not dyspraxic. I'm not sure her teacher took my concerns seriously though, as girls show it differently (from my reading) and she's not necessarily charging about the classroom.

That’s the problem we had. Son wasn’t the hyperactive type, more dreamy so it kept being brushed over. The only real dyspraxia trait apart from unable to organise himself was poor handwriting, so more fine motor skills. If you can afford to pay for an Ed Psych report that might be the way to go initially.

You can also buy traditional sand timers from Amazon for all different lengths of time. We have a ten minute one for getting dressed, five minutes for teeth and face etc. It's visual so it works for my 3yo and 7yo.

OP, just stopped by to say I was this child and drove my mum mad (sorry, mum!)

I realise this sounds incredibly trumpet-blowing but frankly I was just a pretty bright child and my mind was always wandering around over something I considered much more interesting and I was very single minded about things once I got interested and found it difficult to tear myself away.

I think my poor mum tried all sorts of strategies most of which failed dismally. One thing that did help me was her suggesting that I make it a habit to check before sitting the front door that I had a standard list of things I'd need every time I left the house - so these days: money, phone, keys (I still do this now). With hindsight a standard list of things to do in the morning in the same order (breakfast, shower, teeth, dressed or whatever) would probably have helped too as I'd have had steps to get through and know exactly what came next in order, could do it in autopilot and could visualise how much more I had to get through before leaving.

I did end up getting more motivated once I got a lot older and started getting pleasure out of ticking things off my To Do list! Hang in there!

Start earlier and leave at the time you need to whether she's ready or not. If she's still in her PJ's so be it. She can take her uniform in a bag and finish up at school. If she hasn't done her hair, tough luck, she'll have to have a bad hair day. Trust me she won't do it more than once. If she knows you have a hard deadline, she'll meet it.