dd very distressed

[Springwalk]

My dd is leaving her school at the end of the term she has been there since reception, and is very upset. She has/had a wonderful set of friends, and over the years we have had a lovely time together with the parents and the children with no problems at all. It has been great up to now.

DD (10) is leaving at the end of the summer to go to another school, I spoke to each parent individually before we accepted the place so they could tell their dc. All were initially very happy for us.

A few weeks ago dd's friends actively started to leave her out at play times. One of them has arranged a sleepover and invited everyone but her. They talk about all the things they are planning to do, and try to exclude her. It is really very very upsetting and she has been sobbing every night. I have tried to comfort her each night and tell her it won't be long until she leaves, but she is so distressed she doesn't even want to go to school anymore.

I am amazed that friends that have been with us for so long would do this to her.I expected a certain amount of regrouping, I expected a few changes and adjustments to be made, but I did not dream that it would come to this.

I have no idea what to do. Do I talk to the school? I doubt they will be interested as she is leaving. Talk to the parents? And see if they can intervene...or just continue to teach my dd to rise above it and ignore it. It is difficult to rise above this when you are only ten and these girls have been your best friends since you were four.

Please advise me, what would you do? I am at a complete loss and feel awful for her.

24 hours? Fuck me I only only got halfway through and it felt like an eternity.

It’s strange OP - I can only assume envy is in the mix here, for your friends and some posters too.

Odd that you were willing to tell them she was leaving, but not overly keen to address this issue directly with them. I get that they would have found out eventually, but all going well that would have been after your daughter had finished up at school. Over sharing can have an impact on kids. Less is more I say.

In terms of awareness, before I even start on the rest of the thread, after expressing sympathy for you and your DD’s situation, I they went on to make some comments having carefully read the thread and considered a pleasant way of reflecting on what has happened. I also revealed some stressful circumstances of my own.

You ignored all of my own circumstances and challenged me on the what I said.

Are you aware of how that makes you come across? And do you care?

I don’t like the way you totally minimised my worries, all the while gloating how well you are doing. You don’t come onto someone’s thread and start comparing and minimising. Perhaps you are the one that needs to consider self awareness and think of others.

If you need support start a thread of your own, I will be the first to help, but don’t hijack threads and then minimise barbar

tubs did you miss the several posts that said the parents are friends. There is zero chance they wouldn’t find out

I couldn’t agree more atrocious

I didn’t minimise and I wasn’t floating. I am not doing well as I said. The only reason I posted my story was for perspective which I feel is important. And to offer advice. I don’t need support from a forum and was not hijacking. I will step away.

I dont think Barbar said anything wrong.

Of course itmust be upsetting for you and your dd but they are just children. My ds went through similar last year at the end of year 6 and we just counted down the days until he left. Yes it's not nice but it will be a distant memory soon.

Lol gloating not floating

Atrocious why would posters be envious of the op?

Springwalk, if one of the other girls is also having friendship problems perhaps she and your dd could hang out a bit together at school and outside - worth suggesting this to dd? Though tbh, this sort of 'obvious solution friendship' usually doesn't work! but worth a try?

Again reading between the lines (other parents expecting great things?), it sounds as though the other parents/dds will also be applying for quite 'high ranking' schools next year.

So in this case you have a small group, parents and dds all friends, and all getting, if not stressed, at least focused, on school entry. It's true that that sort of social situation does not always go well - human nature! As adults we can understand that, I think - but it's very very hard for the girls themselves at that age.

Its difficult not knowing the details to post anything, or to really understand the situation you are in.
Yes when we are faced with serious illness (if that is what it is, I can’t assume) everything pales into
Insignificance. Everything. Without going into detail you don’t know my circumstances either. I wish you and your dd well, and I really do hope you are both okay.

@BabarAnna I don't think you have said anything awful either. It seems OP is only interested if you say that the friends and parents are jealous of her daughter. Most likely this isn't even the case and this constant agreeing with posters that state this does suggest some arrogance and gloating.

The parents may not even know what is going on and the children could easily tell their parents the OP's daughter herself does not wish to come to any social gatherings.

Friendships at this age are fickle and can be unnecessarily dramatic, the worst thing a parent can do is become dramatic too.

invisible yes these girls will absolutely be going for top ranking schools. They will be under a lot of pressure to get in. It’s definitely a first world problem but plays out in all sorts of ways. I am so fed up with it, I don’t think it is fair on the children. Any of them. But we can’t change the system by ourselves with just one voice.

It sounds as if the school is so small and your dd has been deemed an outsider. The friendships are definitely to some extent ones of convenience.

Dd is at state school in a 2 class intake and almost 30 girls in the year. The children historically go off to different schools. No one is seen as superior even if parents decide to privately educate their D.C. in secondary.

I’m glad the class teacher is taking this seriously. Hopefully things will settle down. I know it feels awful when your child is excluded. We had something like that happen to dd in yr1. I got her very busy with after school activities and from there she met a wide variety of children and friends, her confidence grew and bounced back. Some friendships recovered. Others didn’t and she made new friends.

If it does get too rough it’s fab that you have the possibility to home Ed till the end of term.

@Springwalk so she's at a prep and you've either done the 9+ at somewhere like Highgate or taken a chance vacancy at a good through school thus avoiding the horrors of the 11+? I've been in a similar situation. Parents will be bitchy as they are jealous and there's nothing you can do about it. Make a huge fuss of her at home and she'll have new friends in September.

It may not be jealousy though - maybe just more a case as another pp has said that dd is going, so the girls are realigning their friendships in response, protecting their own social positions. (Not excusing the exclusion at all, but I think pps are quite perceptive about the effect it can have once a departure date is known)

You said you told the mums to the other girls as you thought they would be upset at her leaving and you wanted them to prepare...the other mums/girls are now preparing themselves for her leaving by excluding her.
They are kind of doing what you wanted although I am sure you never intended this!
It was really too early to tell everyone - if you are in the UK your daughter is not leaving until July? That's months away. I suspect it came across to the other mums - how clever is my daughter - she has been offered a place two years before your daughter.
It's done now though - damage control is needed.
I have the impression that your DD will be going to school with these girls again in two years time?
Get your daughter to sit down with an A3 piece of paper. In the middle write her name. The draw a circle around her name and just outside this circle write the names of three-four girls she would like to stay in contact with after she leaves this school - these are the girls she should consider as her inner circle of friends. From here draw another circle around these girls names. Just outside this circle write the names of 5 or so other girls your daughter would also like to stay in contact with.
Then discuss ways with your daughter to rebuild her relationship with the three-four girls in her inner circle. Tell their mums your daughter values their friendship and would like to stay in contact with them when she moves school. Have sleepovers whatever. Say to these mums how important you think it is for the girls to have a wide group of friends inside and outside of school as they get older. It doesn't matter if you are disappointment with these mums - ditch them after your daughter has left the school if want to but you need to rise above all this for your daughter's stake.
Also do things with the wider circle of friends, but concentrate on the three-four inner circle of friends the most.
I live in the Uk but I was born overseas. I noticed that local families do what you have come accross - move on from people who are moving away - but being from overseas I value all friendships as were not that easy to come by and my children stay in contact with their friends from past schools - but I don't think too many local people do.

Perhaps your DD can keep an eye out for other children who are on the outer of their friendship groups? Given how tricky girl dynamics are at 10yo, I'm sure she isn't the only one having issues right now. She's got a couple of months to get through, she might as well practise making new friends in the meantime. Who knows, she might find an even better match to her current self than the friends she's had since preschool.

I experienced this when we moved our son to private school for Y6, having moved him for several reasons. I think behind the scenes parent jealousy will be the root of the problem for you and you’ll have no choice but to move on. Best of luck.

invisible It is entirely possible that it isn't jealousy at all, but maybe for her friends its highlighted that they are also going to be preparing to leave quite soon after too.
What must have looked very far from the perspective of a ten year old may now have been brought into sharp focus. It seems to have sparked some rivalry between them as well.

ittakes2 I did not choose to tell anyone this early. There was one other girl in our year who got in, and in her excitement, she told everyone. My dd sat the exam with her on the same day, there was no way around it. Even if we had lied, it would have soon come to light, as the girls will be going to their new school to meet the other children, initiation days etc etc.
I had to tell the our friends, and I did so in a quiet way in passing, so that they would not hear the rumours and have to hear it at the school gate.
I think most people would have done the same.

Now we are where we are, I have decided that my dd really doesn't need 'friends' like this, they are the very last people we want in our inner circle. Your inner circle friends are supposed to have your back, show loyalty and be there for you. They have done the reverse so far, whether motivated by hurt feelings, pressure at school or a touch of envy. They have been in no way a good friend to my dd lately.

We have our own family friends that are very good friends to us, and when school comes to an end dd will have a brand new start with a new set of friends. One silver lining it has made it a hell of a lot easier for dd to leave now thats for sure.

potato I have asked dd to play and hang out with the other girls in the year. Due to such low numbers of girls, they have their own little groups fully formed. They are a nice bunch and she has been doing this the last few days. I definitely don't think she is the only one, and some of the other girls have had bigger problems than us.

MmeBoulaye I didn't think for a minute that jealousy would be an issue, simply because they are our friends.
Their dds will go onto great things in time, and I did not see the issue at all. It was one of the reasons why I was so open about it.

Springwalk - you are writing conflicting information.
In your 2nd post you to sweeny you said...
«I told the parents individually in dd's small group, as I knew their children would be upset when they heard that dd was leaving (and they were) it was a heads up. I meet some of the very same mothers for coffees and lunches every few weeks, so it would seem odd not to mention it.»
... but in your post to me you have now said you told people because another girl sat the same exam as your daughter and this girl had started telling people.

Earlier in the posts you replied to hollowvictory’s post with the suggestion of inviting girls over from her new school to help her make new friends but....»you only know two girls from her new school so it was tricky».
But you are now saying there is a girl in your daughter’s year but not her class going to the same school as your daughter?
And you are adamant that you have down played your daughter’s achievements but things still creep into your language. In your post this morning you said «Their dds will go into great things in time...». Meaning what? Your daughter is doing something great now and it’s not yet happened for their daughter’s but it will? Very condescending.
I’m sorry you and your daughter are distressed - its terrible what is happening and I hope you can resolve it. But I think you might want to consider your language - you might think you are downplaying your pride at your daughter’s achievements but I think things are slipping through.
Although quite frankly - you have a right to be pleased and proud of your daughter - but there is also a chance other people are picking up that you are unintentionally coming across as viewing your daughter as superior to others.