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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dd very distressed

335 replies

Springwalk · 03/05/2019 10:07

My dd is leaving her school at the end of the term she has been there since reception, and is very upset. She has/had a wonderful set of friends, and over the years we have had a lovely time together with the parents and the children with no problems at all. It has been great up to now.

DD (10) is leaving at the end of the summer to go to another school, I spoke to each parent individually before we accepted the place so they could tell their dc. All were initially very happy for us.

A few weeks ago dd's friends actively started to leave her out at play times. One of them has arranged a sleepover and invited everyone but her. They talk about all the things they are planning to do, and try to exclude her. It is really very very upsetting and she has been sobbing every night. I have tried to comfort her each night and tell her it won't be long until she leaves, but she is so distressed she doesn't even want to go to school anymore.

I am amazed that friends that have been with us for so long would do this to her.I expected a certain amount of regrouping, I expected a few changes and adjustments to be made, but I did not dream that it would come to this.

I have no idea what to do. Do I talk to the school? I doubt they will be interested as she is leaving. Talk to the parents? And see if they can intervene...or just continue to teach my dd to rise above it and ignore it. It is difficult to rise above this when you are only ten and these girls have been your best friends since you were four.

Please advise me, what would you do? I am at a complete loss and feel awful for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 22:10

Thank you for your kind words. After all of this we don’t feel sad to leave anymore. So that is a definite positive. As you say it would have been harder if they were kind. Dd now asking to be home schooled. But I am useless academically so can’t offer her that but we may have a few extra days at the beach dumble

OP posts:
Acis · 03/05/2019 22:13

The other girls may be leaving your daughter out so you would both benefit from learning about resilience

So they're excluding their friend out of the goodness of their hearts to help both her and her mother learn resilience? What utter nonsense.

Microwaveableteapot · 03/05/2019 22:13

"Jumpy" castle? Really? Confused YABU for that alone.

TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 03/05/2019 22:14

What’s a jumpy castle?

Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 22:17

purple I am very proud that dd made into a very well known academic school, It is not comparable to where she is, and very desirable to some parents.
I am not failing to do anything, but I can assure you I will not stand by and let her be bullied. You seem to be missing the point. My child is indifferent to her next school, she would be happy either way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 22:21

whatwould thank you - very hard to focus beyond losing her sometimes but dd needs me 😢

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TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 03/05/2019 22:21

A hell of a lot of hooha about a school she’s indifferent to.

Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 22:23

lougle
We have a very close family so this is helping. We all pull together when someone is hurt. It’s made a big difference to her mood this evening

OP posts:
Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 22:27

Thank you all for such kind replies, even the not so helpful ones.
I have made some good decisions this evening, and have felt the weight of worry lift a little.
Thank you 😊 😇

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 03/05/2019 23:05

I hope you don’t go through everything in life this dramatically! And I especially hope you don’t pass on your dramatic tendencies to your dd.

DumbleDamn · 03/05/2019 23:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/05/2019 00:19

Springwalk - I think it's a good plan to bring the party at end of term back to just the kids. But I think you need to also prepare for some of them not turning up.
If anyone asks why you've down-sized the party, cite your other family situations as the reason - you just don't feel like an adult celebration at the moment with the recent loss of your mum.

Keep the party low key as well - so that it doesn't matter enormously if half the invitees don't bother to come - and invite lots of others apart from the 6 girls in her class.

I hope your DD does well - we had a girl in our penultimate year of junior school leave to go to an academically selective school, but we didn't treat her any differently except to be sad to see her go - but, to take the positives from this, your DD won't be so sad to leave now and can look forward more.

I can totally understand why this is hitting hard on top of the loss of your mother - your normal levels of resilience just aren't there. Thanks

Serin · 04/05/2019 00:30

We turned down free places at a private school for our boys because we felt leaving their close friends behind would be too upsetting for them.
I would listen carefully to what she wants to do and let her take the lead. If she wants to be homeschooled for a couple of months then I'd do that.

Saavhi · 04/05/2019 01:31

I left my private school to attend the prestigious grammar school down the road at the age of 11. Sure there were 1/2 snide comments (mostly from the teachers) but at no point did my mother feel it necessary to inject herself into the situation. Why overmanage something that really isn't that big of a deal? I also had to leave my entire friendship group behind, my mum arranged a trip to Pizza Hut and the cinema on my last day as a sort of farewell. Had the odd friend over during Summer, no hysterics necessary. Would have been incredibly bizarre if my mum "spoke to each parent individually". Give your child some breathing space you sound very overbearing and controlling.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/05/2019 03:48

Guessing you haven't read anything bar the opening post, Saavhi - the OP knows the parents of her DD's friends, the parents are also her friends, which is why she told them.

floribunda18 · 04/05/2019 03:58

I think I would have left it until the very last term of the year to say something, and bear in mind that it is much more of a big deal to your DD that she is leaving than it will be to her friends. Try not to make so much drama out of it.

Plus they can all stay in touch these days, it isn't like when we were little and if a friend went to another school they disappeared off the face of the earth.

springydaff · 04/05/2019 04:55

As brutal as this has been, a lot of it is just basic group psychology and dynamics.

Have you never been in a close group where someone leaves - and you struggle not to take it personally? You know it isn't personal but you feel kind of rejected somehow...

Some posters are saying girls can be vile - but I've known adults be just as vile in a situation like this, if not more vile because they have the power to be supremely and powerfully vile.

Grandma sums it up that in her experience as a child she had to survive socially and psychologically so quickly moved on. It is a healthy defence mechanism in a threatening social situation. (I'm so sorry you had an OTT reaction Grandma. That must have been so awful - much too heavy-handed for a 10yo Sad)

I do think there is far too much drama on your part op. I do hope you listen, as you don't seem to have listened to anyone who doesn't agree with you so far. Crying until your eyes are so swollen they are shut, talking about your daughter's class as 'our' class... I didn't cry that much when my children were suddenly and unexpectedly bereaved, though I was so upset for them I could have vomited. Her class is her class, not yours.

Yes this is very upsetting and surprising - but please keep steady while dd is acutely hurt. This is life, red in tooth and claw sometimes, she doesn't need to be traumatised by it if you keep steady. Enough of the crying until your eyes are so swollen they're shut eh. It really won't be helping dd.

You were right to let everyone know. But I think you're naive to have not seen this reaction coming. Of course it was going to be bumpy, these things are. It is predominantly a primal reaction to a threatening situation and no amount of niceness and integrity on your part can control that.

Hopefully dd's class teacher/school can nudge the girls onto a more civilised footing - I'm sure the school have plenty of experience in this type of thing. As for the parent who left your dd out of a sleepover, perhaps have a word to see what's going on. Be brave for your dd's sake but try not to go in hurt or emotionally loaded, wait to hear the explanation.

Saavhi · 04/05/2019 07:18

ThumbWitchesAbroad- how convenient.

kateandme · 04/05/2019 07:26

just be there for her.let her know you understand it hurts and then explain to her that you can explain why they are doing it but you understand how it would hurt.if you cant fix this then just go with "how do we make it ok"and help her cope with this in order to get through.
does she take her phone to school.maybe a couple of texts "hi kiddo thinking of you" "chin up pizza for tea" etc so she will be fueled and made to feel better each day.
can she be freidn with others at school.
could you do some purposeful red crosses on a calendear so each day she sees its one day less.
girl at this age are sometimes fickle and some are right bitches.
let them be.who need friends like that.

Original poster
Springwalk · 04/05/2019 07:29

thumb Thank you for your post. I have moved the party to be a small activity and a few drinks, even just doing that has helped.

You are right about resilience, and mine is being tested at the moment, in lots of ways. I am stronger than I thought I would be.

OP posts:
Fazackerley · 04/05/2019 07:32

Sounds good OP Smile

Original poster
Springwalk · 04/05/2019 07:34

saavi and flori the children's mothers have been my friends for the last seven years, I see them socially often. So not talking to them about this would have been very weird. Had I not known them very well or at all, of course I would not have bothered to say anything, and waited to last day for dd to tell them. We also have another girl in the year who is also going to the same school, so impossible to keep it a secret.
It was not option for us, unless we were both prepared to lie for months on end. I didn't think that was fair to dd. Or a very good example.

The children are not on social media and lives miles away from each other, it is not a given anyone will stay in touch, I am relaxed either way whether they do or they don't.

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Original poster
Springwalk · 04/05/2019 07:37

springy I have lost my mother, I would not describe that as drama, more like the bottom of my life falling out overnight. She would have been someone that I would have spoken to about this, she is not with me anymore. I have lost her.

The school thing playing out in the background isn't making things any easier. To be fair I am probably not handling it as well as I normally would, but I have done what I thought was right at the time.

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Original poster
Springwalk · 04/05/2019 07:41

kate We definitely don't need friends like this!!! Honestly we really don't. The countdown is a good idea, and ordering new uniform. I am planning on doing some nice things for her each weekend, and we are talking more about her new school and less about her old one now.
Dd seemed much happier last night with lots of cuddles, we watched a film together and I made her favourite dinner. It will be okay.

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Vulpine · 04/05/2019 07:42

Don't you know you're not allowed to show emotion Hmm Flowers