dd very distressed

[Springwalk]

My dd is leaving her school at the end of the term she has been there since reception, and is very upset. She has/had a wonderful set of friends, and over the years we have had a lovely time together with the parents and the children with no problems at all. It has been great up to now.

DD (10) is leaving at the end of the summer to go to another school, I spoke to each parent individually before we accepted the place so they could tell their dc. All were initially very happy for us.

A few weeks ago dd's friends actively started to leave her out at play times. One of them has arranged a sleepover and invited everyone but her. They talk about all the things they are planning to do, and try to exclude her. It is really very very upsetting and she has been sobbing every night. I have tried to comfort her each night and tell her it won't be long until she leaves, but she is so distressed she doesn't even want to go to school anymore.

I am amazed that friends that have been with us for so long would do this to her.I expected a certain amount of regrouping, I expected a few changes and adjustments to be made, but I did not dream that it would come to this.

I have no idea what to do. Do I talk to the school? I doubt they will be interested as she is leaving. Talk to the parents? And see if they can intervene...or just continue to teach my dd to rise above it and ignore it. It is difficult to rise above this when you are only ten and these girls have been your best friends since you were four.

Please advise me, what would you do? I am at a complete loss and feel awful for her.

Fazackerley was your son upset about not being invited, or was he relaxed about it? It does depend I suppose on whether they are a very good friend or not.

vulpine apparently not, I am supposed to go through like robotically not feeling anything at all according to some posts.

This happened to me when I was seven. Rather than going to the junior school most of my peers were going to, my parents chose a different one which suited me better. My peers found out when I didn't go on the transition day and from that moment on I was ostracised, having been a popular member of the class before. I can still remember it, it was awful. I wasnt invited to birthday parties and people ignored me at play times.

It came to a head because I went on a school trip and I was sitting at the front of the coach on my own looking really sad. My mum didn't mean to but she burst into tears and the other mums asked what was wrong. She explained to them what had been happening and the mum of my previously closest friend was horrified, she'd had no idea. The girl brought me a sorry letter the next day and her mum came over and apologised. It improved a bit after that.

I remember my form teacher was really kind and gave me little jobs to do at play time, e.g. helping with some of the younger ones, helping out the librarian etc.

I really feel for your daughter and hope she manages to get through the next couple of months ok.

Rarotonga Thank you for sharing your experience with me, yes that pretty much sums it up. Your poor mum, I can totally empathise with the pain of seeing your child ostracised. It is awful. Especially as there is nothing much you can do to help a child in that situation. I am glad things improved for you after your mum burst into tears, perhaps it is one of those moments when you are glad of some emotion.

My dd's teacher said she seems really sad and not herself at all, he is going to have a chat with all of the girls, and keep an eye on dd. I am going to see if things improve. I so hope they will.

I feel for your dd and you OP. I don't feel you've done anything wrong to create this situation at all.

Vaguely similar happened to my dd (and probably more to me!)
We're in the state school system. Our Primary was literally next door to the local Secondary. 99% of the pupils go there without any question. Many of the parents and their parents before them went to that school too (I don't come from the area and I found it all a bit weird). The thing with the school is, it's not a great school. Not awful, just not very inspiring.

When we came to choosing a secondary school, dd and I choose differently. A school only a few miles away but actually in a different LEA. A much better fit for dd. I never really mentioned our decision to anyone and just applied quietly.
On the day that places were allocated people assumed we were going to the same school as their dcs. When dd quietly said she was going elsewhere, I had parents cross the school yard to question me about my reasons and then to slag off any aspect of our chosen school they could find.
Then the texts and emails started. Texts from parents saying how 'sad they were for us' and how they'd heard from a friend of a friend of a friend of a cousins mums neighbour that there was a huge bullying problem at our chosen school. One mum (who I was friendly with) even said that it was a shame that we wouldn't be a part of the community anymore (I wasn't moving house).
There were lots of passive aggressive posts on FB about how "parents should support their local schools by sending their children there" etc. Comments about our decision even continued into Scouts after school.

At school the children continued to question dd and criticised our chosen school. Saying things they could have only heard from parents about Bullying, and drugs. Some pupils told her she was stupid to go to another school. She started being told that there was no point inviting her to things anymore.

The teachers would even talk down to dd about the school and often 'forgot' transition days for her and lost out transition paperwork twice.

The worst thing was, her entire Y6 class went on a week long transition period to the new school. The school didn't know what to do with dd.

Honestly, it was unbelievable. I've never experienced anything like it. The attitude of "if you're not with us, you're against us" was all prevailing. Dd was upset but tried to brush it off and learnt not to mention her new school at all.

Dd is now 14. After a rocky Y7 has made lots of new friends. I feel the decision to choose the other school was so right for her (and me).

I had to continue at the Primary school for another 2 years with DS. However I just didn't engage with any parents or even the school. DS is now in Y7 at the same school as DD. He loves it. Possibly a even better fit for him than dd.

Incidentally, all the old Primary school friendship group had broken up by Christmas at the other Secondary school and had made whole new friendship groups. I'm SO glad I didn't get sucked into the mantra that dd somehow had to go there because all her friends were.

Looking back it was an awful time, probably more for me has I had to field all the comments and passive aggression. The relief of finally leaving the school was huge.
I'd never noticed the 'crab bucket' mentality until we made a different choice. I'm so glad we made the move.

Sorry that was a long rant!

I'm sure things will go ok with your dd until the end of term. Just grit your teeth and get through it. Happier times are ahead for you both. Good luck.

Lots of sympathy to your dd op, this sounds awful and I think many many dms would also be upset to see their dc so hurt. Talking about events that a dc is excluded from, especially when they were previously in 'the group' is really hurtful (even if not intentionally).

Usual advice on mn is not to talk to the parents about it as it will do no good - and I suspect this is generally good advice! though it always depends on the circumstances. If the teacher does a nice general talk about being inclusive and not exclusive that may improve things for the last term, and I second the idea of trying individual dates with the ones who still seem to be on good terms.

One thing puzzled me though - you mentioned that you wouldn't have expected it of the dm of the dc who has had the sleepover, and that she is professional, intelligent, thoughtful. I don't know why professional status and intelligence would be relevant to that? (thoughtfulness, yes. Though in any case I would guess her narrative might be different.)

I meant that the mother of the sleepover is did not and could not have a accidentally leave out dd, she is thoughtful and intelligent. In fact her job is to do with mh so she is very much switched on. So it makes it all the more surprising that she would allow this, she’s actually a really nice person

That sounds horrendous, and really difficult to navigate. For some reason people take it personally when none is intended. I hope your children continue to be happy. 💐 milicent

Is it possible it's nothing to do with your dd leaving? Just wondering if any of the girls has expressly said so (obviously the parents wouldn't!). The reason I ask is that for a few weeks after you told the parents things were ok, is that right? So there wasn't an immediate reaction. Could they have fallen out for some other reason?

Whatever it is, the exclusion is still so hurtful - much sympathy to your dd. Did the teacher have any ideas about the reason?

I agree that it would have been quite wrong to ask dd to lie - maybe not mentioning would have been possible, but as you say it could have been regarded as 'odd' or secretive. Reading between the lines, would it be right that other girls will be applying for selective secondary schools next year? If so they may already be discussing with dparents which ones they will be going for (some dparents involve dc more than others) and it's quite possible their stress about that will be building up already. With dc and dparents alike. It is a horrible aspect of 11+ - don't think there's any realistic way round that - but I would imagine it is amplified when parents and dc are closely knit in a small social group.

None of this changes the fact that exclusion is horrible! Glad the teacher is sympathetic.

It is possible that they have fallen out, but really unlikely as dd hasn’t mentioned any kind of argument or upset. I dont think she would be excluded to this degree even if they had fallen out ( it’s happened before and it all blew over very quickly, parents stayed out of it) The schools keep coming up over and over again between the dc.

You are right about the pressure, yes the stress has racketed up several notches. The parents are equally expecting to see great things. The girls are just coming to grips with all of this, and I suppose dd has now escaped this element now.

Oh yes, looking back I realise you did mention that earlier, that the dc were all starting to talk about their next schools, league tables and so on. So in effect dd is going to a school that has a Yr 6, and the others will leave at the end of Yr 6 (assuming you're in England, which there's no reason to, I realise!)?

I'm sorry op, that must be very sad for your dd and in a small school (I'm assuming, with only 6 girls, that it is not huge!) it sounds as though the scope for making new friends is limited!

I do wonder whether talking to the dparents might, unusually, be worth it in this case - it's not as if you'll go on seeing them afterwards, so so what if it doesn't work? On the other hand it might make things worse, in which case there are still a couple of months to go. Is there one parent who you know particularly well?

I am sorry for your loss and for your DD being sad. Hopefully the teacher will sort it.

Once things have calmed down, maybe take time to consider some of the feedback you have received on this thread. I do think you have created some of the ill feeling and you don’t seem very self aware about this. If your daughter is going into an even more competitive environment, then please take some learnings from this.

I have a similar age DD and hormones are running high. There is lots of drama in which my DD claims to be innocent. I am not naive enough to think this is true.

She is also going through a very tough time out of school due to medical reasons. It has been a massive shock and is very worrying. She has not been crying herself to sleep because I have been holding it together (despite feeling like I have been hit like a bus). There have been tears of course but we are cracking on with things, looking for positives etc. I suspect you could help her by rising above it, be less overinvested, and trying to hide, at least a little, how upset and hurt you are.

I know most of the parents quite or very well, but I have reservations about talking to them. Instinctively I think they will be defensive. Calling them out could make things even worse, least of all I am not sure what they would even say. If we had a week or two to go, I might risk it, but it could make things very awkward for months if the conversation doesn’t go well.
I am quietly furious with them though, and I doubt this can be ever be repaired from my point of view.

barb can you be my specific about my lack of self awareness?

I don’t feel in any way responsible for the ill feeling between the children because it was handled very sensitively at the time, and it is only just lately it has become an issue. I agree with the posts that suggest jealousy is likely to behind it. All the self awareness in the world isn’t going to change that.

If it’s really horrible for her, just take her out of school for the rest of the term. Life is too short for that rubbish. Let her relax and do what she wants before her new start.

I agree - just pull her out and home Ed for a term if you can.
I moved my boy from state to prep in yr 5, no big announcements, he told his friends, a couple of parents asked. No problem. It does sound as though you made a song and dance if it and if these parents are such good friends, why didn’t you just ask why every other child was invited Nd not her?
You say how wonderfully well your DD did, do you think maybe she’s boasted?
Either way, pull her out early if you can, if not, you really need to have an honest look at how you handled it and then speak to all the parents who have been your friends for 6 yrs.
She’ll have a fresh start soon enough.

This does all seem a tad bragging and over dramatic - DD having 'won' a place, breaking the news individually to each parent, their daughters sobbing, and OP's eyes swollen shut from crying.

As another poster has said:

You have told individual parents your daughter would be going to a better school than theirs because she won a place there and you thought their dd would be upset if your dd was leaving. I am afraid this comes across as my dd is better than yours

I'm just thinking in my head comparing this situation to someone leaving a job and their close colleagues of many years.

The colleagues might well begin to pull back from lunches and meet ups with the one that was going to be leaving.

Often this is only over 1 month though.

It's awful and definitely not right, but kind of natural too. The colleagues that want to stay friends with the leaver will do so.

Sad but it's human nature.

It sounds really difficult for the poor girl, being excluded from her friends. My dd is a similar age, and I am amazed at the bitchiness shown by many of the girls in her peer group- friends one day, big bust up the next, creating little cliques whose only purpose is to demonstrate to someone else that they are not part of it, boasting about visits / sleepovers to the girls not involved etc. They are very skilled at making other children feel excluded. Maybe it’s standard 10 yr old girl behaviour, although I don’t remember it from my own childhood.

i don’t remember it from my own childhood at 10 years old either. Maybe by the time some of the girls were 15. But not now. I have been made aware this afternoon that one of the other girls is struggling too. ( not with dd but with a few others) So maybe this is just normal ten year old behaviour amplified slightly by the fact dd is leaving. I am struggling to see why such young girls need to do this? Why can’t they just have fun, enjoy their friendships and feel at ease? I just don’t understand it at all.

You clearly haven’t read the thread Aridane no one has bragged about anything. Not my dd and certainly not me.

Try cucumber slices for your swollen eyes, might make you see things a lot more clearly.

That was 24 hours ago, do keep sargass

Yes, have read the whole thread

Is your dd moving from a state school to a private school, is that the issue?