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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent spending my money on my step kids

263 replies

Whatamistakewhatamistake · 02/05/2019 19:06

I’m expecting to be flamed but genuinely wonder if IABU?
My step kids are both teens and as is well documented on here, very expensive. DH and I have separate finances but pool money for food, bills, essentials. This works really well for us. We earn about the same.
He pays his ex wife well over the expected amount for his salary (he earns less than £30k and pays £500 a month - two kids).
We have the kids 50/50.

So what I’m asking is, he pays his ex to support the kids when they’re not with us but expects me to support him when they're with us. Remember they’re not my kids.

Please don’t give me the “you knew he had kids when you met him”, but honestly truly if I’d known what it would be like 7 years down the line id have walked away.

OP posts:
FlyingMonkeys · 02/05/2019 23:58

Randomly on the price of cinema tickets- we get 1 for 2 meerkat movies and meals via car insurance. I seriously doubt it's the main problem in your situation but it's still an option.

FlyingMonkeys · 03/05/2019 00:01

Or even 2 for 1! 😶 - regardless I think your DP needs to go back to court for a review as his exP's situation has changed.

Erignon · 03/05/2019 07:40

@horrayforharoldlloyd CMS was very clear with me. 50/50 share of nights, by court order, meant there was no case for them to consider.

NeedAUsernameGenerator · 03/05/2019 07:55

You'd like to cut your hours. Why not focus on this as the goal instead of the maintenance which may be hard to change. How about setting a target date and then trying to save the difference between now and then? You need to do a budget, ideally with DP, which helps you get to that goal. It might be that you pay 50% for the house costs but go down to 40% on food and 25% on eating out. If that means that the cinema is once a month instead of twice then so be it. You're looking for a solution that's fair to both of you, if DP is reasonable it should be possible to find one.

Evilspiritgin · 03/05/2019 08:41

I know you’re saying he pays £500 how much of that is spousal and how much is child support? How do you split the 50/50? Are they with you for 2 weeks on trot or alternating weeks

supermommyof4 · 03/05/2019 08:42

Butterymuffin its only the people who they live with full time whose income will be counted for uni, college etc..i know this as going through same process for dd1. They have not asked about her fathers income, only mine and partners.

Hazlenutpie · 03/05/2019 08:50

You need to talk about this. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable given the circumstances. The kids have two parents to support them, you are not one of them.

AliceRR · 03/05/2019 08:53

Are they with you for 2 weeks on trot or alternating weeks

I think OP said further up alternating weeks, they change in a Friday

AliceRR · 03/05/2019 08:55

Allot is a word. It's just not the word pp thinks it is

😂

It might just be a typo 😬

brownjumper · 03/05/2019 08:56

You need to do the cms calculator and see what it says he should pay. Why haven't you done that?

lovinglifexo · 03/05/2019 08:59

@brownjumper he shouldn’t BE paying anything ! that’s the whole point - he has them 50% of the time. This whole thing is actually making me quite annoyed at how inadequate CMs etc is

NewMum19344567 · 03/05/2019 09:01

At 17 I wasn't really going on many day trips with my parents and if I went out I would pay for it myself, it isn't really fair you are having to pay for them this much. If they are coming for a while week each fortnight you have to treat it as they are your children and not that they are guests that need entertainment

justarandomtricycle · 03/05/2019 09:04

There's no reasonable way to resent spending money on the kids of the family you decided to create. I know it sounds harsh and not to invalidate your feelings or hardship, it's just you chose to be in the same boat.

Your real problem here imo is the over payment of money to ex wife, you shouldn't resent the kids you should resent her.

I'd be worried she has something on him or something from the arrangement you describe.

brownjumper · 03/05/2019 09:09

Yes I know he shouldn't be paying anything. The op sounds very ill informed and a bit wishy washy that I thought her seeing something in front of her that is official might help her, and show her husband!!

Moonchild1987 · 03/05/2019 09:10

It's fair enough that you don't want to pay for his kids when you go out. Like you pointed out they are his kids not yours. I do have one small advice that you can take or leave as I am a former step daughter. You don't seem to particularly see them as family so don't expect them to see you as family either or that they will show you the support if you ever need them. J

ChocoCrocc · 03/05/2019 09:10

There's no reasonable way to resent spending money on the kids of the family you decided to create

She didn't create them. And it's not unreasonable to not expect to be paying half for clothes and trips out all the time.

I didn't enter my relationship with a man with children expecting to buy their clothes!

You can be kind and welcoming with your step children but you shouldn't be expected to fund them. How often on MN are SMs told to back off from getting too involved with their SC, are told they have two parents and don't need another. It's only when it comes to money that posters change the tune.

If someone wants to spend their money on their SC (and I'm not talking about necessities like bills) then that's lovely. But it should not be expected.

crimsonlake · 03/05/2019 09:22

Clearly the £500 is not just CM as you first stated as this also included an element of spousal maintenance. If it was court ordered there will usually be a date on where it ceases. How long does he need to continue paying sm for? Have her circumstances changed, does she co habit? He could apply to the courts for a variation.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 03/05/2019 09:36

Working 20 hours a week, with teenage DCs AND them away every other week, and £500 a month extra sounds like a pretty nice setup to me. I can totally understand your resentment of her - but also think you have to separate that from your stepkids, who haven't chosen any part of this.

Bookworm4 · 03/05/2019 09:38

I'm quite surprised that two 17 yr olds go on all these days out with their parents, I'd tell your DP to dial it back and get the adult children to get part time jobs, do they not socialise with their friends?

Butterymuffin · 03/05/2019 09:39

DH and I have separate finances but pool money for food, bills, essentials

So how does it work when you go out with the kids? Is that paid for from the pooled money, so that's how you end up paying half? Is the pooled money in its own account or cash?

S3asickAdventure · 03/05/2019 09:47

The exW is only working 20 hours & receives possibly tax credits & £500
Versus
The Op works FT & has no spare money
My suggestion is that the Op starts saving for herself & decreases her spending

PottyPotterer · 03/05/2019 09:50

I'm quite surprised that two 17 yr olds go on all these days out with their parents, I'd tell your DP to dial it back and get the adult children to get part time jobs, do they not socialise with their friends?

Just what I was thinking. I find it odd that 2 17 year olds are still up for family days out. No friends/social life or p/t jobs? At 17 I spent the summer working in Greece, drinking tequila and erm well having some adult fun. I would have laughed at the idea of a cinema trip with my parents.

If they've got time to lie in bed during the day then they've got time for a p/t job.

Bookworm4 · 03/05/2019 09:52

@potty
I went away and worked in a hotel for the summer at 17 and did my own thing. Think kids are very coddled now.

Qweenbee · 03/05/2019 09:54

We have late teens. We pay our basic expenses, and that very definitely includes pension contributions, and then see how much money we have left over for luxuries. Most families can't afford a cinema and pizza express type treat every single week. Maybe one or the other as a starting point to reduce costs?

You can't afford to subsidise the kids 50% therefore you need to agree a way with dp as to how you move forward.

TBH I can't see the point of keeping finances separate when they aren't separate in this major area. Look at your family income as a whole. Prioritise pensions.
Tell the kids they need to get jobs. Not just so they contribute financially but also so they learn the value of money. My kids could have scraped by on what we gave them, but I made it clear they had to get jobs too. We would help them as long as they helped themselves.

If the mothers partner doesn't live with her then you can't count him. If they live together, it isn't unreasonable to re-evaluate things.

bellaellie · 03/05/2019 10:07

@TraceyLP

If you don’t want to participate in the family activities (cinema, pizza etc) stay home/do your own thing and your partner will take them and pay. Might be the beginning of the end if you do that a lot though. If you do want to be a family with your step children go along and contribute at least your own cost.

If you don’t want to help your partner pay for family activities that is absolutely your choice but he may not have the cash for more activities with you.

I don’t think you should put pressure on him to cut his child support payments if he is happy with them and wants to pay that amount. If he isn’t happy he can use the official channels to get it looked at as others have advised

I agree with this

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