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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To resent spending my money on my step kids

263 replies

Whatamistakewhatamistake · 02/05/2019 19:06

I’m expecting to be flamed but genuinely wonder if IABU?
My step kids are both teens and as is well documented on here, very expensive. DH and I have separate finances but pool money for food, bills, essentials. This works really well for us. We earn about the same.
He pays his ex wife well over the expected amount for his salary (he earns less than £30k and pays £500 a month - two kids).
We have the kids 50/50.

So what I’m asking is, he pays his ex to support the kids when they’re not with us but expects me to support him when they're with us. Remember they’re not my kids.

Please don’t give me the “you knew he had kids when you met him”, but honestly truly if I’d known what it would be like 7 years down the line id have walked away.

OP posts:

CheeseIsEverything · 02/05/2019 22:07

I know she still has things to pay for such as clothes and food probably fuel and the cost of whatever she & kids lives in

Yes and obviously at their father's house they eats dust, wear bin bags for pyjamas and sleep in a box outside.

Give it a rest. Every example given also has to be paid for by their Dad 50% of the time.

And this 6k you keep going on about isn't meant to cover everything. It's a contribution. Or should the mother not pay anything out of her own money in your fantasy land?

EL8888 · 02/05/2019 22:18

YANBU l would be unhappy if l was you. Their parents can pay for them, they aren't your children. None of my friends work 20 hours a week, even ones with 2 or 3 young children! They all work full time. Plus at the age of 17 their mum doesn't need to be around as much and surely they should have their own jobs?! If l was you then l would switch your working life, in the way that suits you best. The ex and your step children don't seem to be over exerting themselves so why should you. Why doesn't your DH acknowledge your unhappiness with the current set up? Why does he think it’s ok?

I'm confused about why everyone keeps on banging on about £6k not being enough. But surely their mum should be contributing £6k as she has then half the time. That's a total of £12k which hardly sounds dreadful?!

HollowTalk · 02/05/2019 22:22

I think I'd probably bow out. I would want my money to go on myself and any family I had. I wouldn't work full time and end up skint if their mum is working part-time and if their dad was relying on you for money.

I would pay half the house, half the food etc but I wouldn't want to pay for clothes etc.

EileenAlanna · 02/05/2019 22:26

You should only be paying half of your housing costs & half your utilities/food etc. Add up what the gas/elect/food bills are based usage on the weeks you two are there on your own, add the housing/council tax & divide by 2. That's what's reasonable for you to pay. Pay that, and only that, into a joint account & the rest into your own. Then start negotiating with DP how he wants to tackle the extra costs. If he's insisting on paying out money to his ex that he doesn't need to he needs to work out how he'll afford it. I'd be livid.

cuppycakey · 02/05/2019 22:26

YANBU

You are enabling him to fulfill the totally crap deal he signed up to. Paying child maintenance until they are 24 when you have them 50/50????

If DH won't challenge it then I would probably leave him to it and crack on with my own life. I think both of them are taking the piss.

Bookworm4 · 02/05/2019 22:26

@bellaellie
You obviously live in some other universe, where you need £1000pm for groceries, £12000 for 2 kids pa, unfortunately lots of people are getting by on a low/minimum wage and barely scrape by month to month, so your airy fairy outlook is not comparable.

VladmirsPoutine · 02/05/2019 22:27

This must really gall. It always seems to be an extreme on Mumsnet - either dad pays close to nothing or is practically left with a packet of pot noodles come the end of the month.

Ragwort · 02/05/2019 22:35

What happens if you just say you are not contributing to ‘days out’, when my DS was 17 we didn’t go on cinema trips etc - you don’t have to go on ‘outings’, most teenagers are happy just lazing around at home & presumably they have homework etc to do?
I think you should stop focusing on what your DP pays his ex wife and just agree the sum you are prepared to pay into your household for food & absolute basics. You seem to have a lot of bitterness towards the ex wife which doesn’t come across as being very pleasant.

bellaellie · 02/05/2019 22:40

500pm isn't allot.
husbands ex-wife will probably be getting benefits of some sort as she
works part time.
husbands ex-wife's new partner might not be supporting her or the kids
financially.

We don't know all the little details that matter.

therefore I think husbands ex-wife would be working extra hours
to afford more things if she could. She might have a disabilty, or she would
be better off on benefits as the amount her job would pay her on full time
might be less than what benefits are giving her (if she's on benefits)

Ex-wife probably doesn't have £6,000 a year to give to her ex-husband
but if she does then that changes things.

MountainEagle · 02/05/2019 22:41

I get that he agreed to pay maintenance in order to make her agree to the divorce. But now the divorce has gone through why doesn’t he stop paying? He should be paying nothing if he has 50/50 custody.

bellaellie · 02/05/2019 22:41

500pm isn't allot.
husbands ex-wife will probably be getting benefits of some sort as she
works part time.
husbands ex-wife's new partner might not be supporting her or the kids
financially.

We don't know all the little details that matter.

Ex-wife probably doesn't have £6,000 a year to give to her ex-husband
but if she does then that changes things.

bellaellie · 02/05/2019 22:45

Bookworm4

Or I have a higher income and give my teens lots of options when it comes to food considering they're changing their likes/dislikes all the time and eat constantly?

horrayforharoldlloyd · 02/05/2019 22:49

@Erignon a 50/50 order doesn't always mean nil maintenance via CMS. I know this as my ex has said the same for years and refused to pay it. He now has an enforcement order.

HazelNutinEveryBite · 02/05/2019 22:52

Tell DH you have to cut your cloth according to your joint means. The nights out which are so expensive could stop, if you put your foot down.

Why don't you go out together on the alternate weekends that the SSs are with their Mum? It would cost 50% less and the two of you could talk and attempt to rekindle your own adult relationship, (if that is what you want).

Teenage boys eat as if food is about to be rationed, if they must have pizza takeaway is so much cheaper.

Our DCs never had pictures and meals out every other weekend. We couldn't afford this and they have not been harmed by missing out.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 02/05/2019 22:58

allot isn’t a word.

Are you hard of thinking? The ex wife only has them half of the time. Therefore surely if OP’s DH is paying £500 a month to their mother for their upkeep, then she should also be paying a proportion of her wage to their father?

It doesn’t matter if you don’t think £6000 a year is a lot. One of those ‘important but small details’ is that he can’t afford more. You can make all the assumptions you like, but the fact is both parents are legally obliged to provide financial support for their children. If the children spend equal time with their parents then they should not have to provide money to each other. There might be an earnings imbalance. It doesn’t actually matter in this case.

Charley50 · 02/05/2019 23:01

I think you are getting a really shut deal OP. As is your DH.

TraceyLP · 02/05/2019 23:13

If you don’t want to participate in the family activities (cinema, pizza etc) stay home/do your own thing and your partner will take them and pay. Might be the beginning of the end if you do that a lot though. If you do want to be a family with your step children go along and contribute at least your own cost.

If you don’t want to help your partner pay for family activities that is absolutely your choice but he may not have the cash for more activities with you.

I don’t think you should put pressure on him to cut his child support payments if he is happy with them and wants to pay that amount. If he isn’t happy he can use the official channels to get it looked at as others have advised.

blackcoffeeinbed · 02/05/2019 23:16

I think you need to just be straight with DH, say that you're frustrated with the financial strain it's putting on you and that going forwards you won't be paying half of any extras other than food shopping when the SC's are with you. It may come across as harsh but you work hard for your money and see no benefits from that for yourself. Perhaps when you pull back it will give him the push to seek advice regarding his payments to his ex. Just because you married a man with children shouldn't automatically mean you're as financially responsible as he is. If they start questioning why they're not being treated so much then I think they're old enough to be taught that money doesn't grow on trees and that he can't afford it. Your own finances shouldn't even come into it imo.

outvoid · 02/05/2019 23:27

£500 pm is a lot when you earn under 30k a year. It’s 6k a year and he has the DC half of the time. I don’t think it’s fair and if you do a CM calculator you’ll find he should be paying a lot less. Entirely up to him what he pays though but no, you do not have to contribute.

It’s never too late to walk away.

FlyingMonkeys · 02/05/2019 23:34

I've probably missed something but I don't see why the payments wouldn't be reviewed when the children reach 18? Spousal should be reviewed if she's now living with new partner and their income is part of the family pot.

TraceyLP · 02/05/2019 23:41

I just flicked through the thread for your posts OP and I flinched when I saw you are spending £100 going out for cinema and pizza. I’m not surprised you are finding that a strain as a household whoever is paying.

I appreciate they are 17 year olds and love to do things that cost a lot of money but that doesn’t mean you can always accommodate this (as a household) step-parent or natural parent it would be unsustainable for most people.

So the question is how you can reign that in. How about you sit with the twins and explain your household budget for entertainment (for you both and them when together) (perhaps £100 a month?). Ask them to think of things that they would like to do - plan what is affordable and put it in the diary together. Could be all spent one day at Alton towers (with the buy one get one free vouchers and a picnic) or more outings with cheaper activities. Perhaps they would like to go to the cinema aline or with their friends anyway halving the cost. Downgrade Pizza Hut and cinema to frozen pizza and a movie on Netflix or whatever....from £100 to less than £10.

Could they be encouraged to enjoy National Trust or English Heritage (with family memberships around £100 for a year - our National Trust is £10.50 each month.) perhaps not at 17 but you could ask them - gets them out in the fresh air and then home for food.

Good luck

SuperheroBirds · 02/05/2019 23:43

I think the £500 per month and paying for things when with the children are two different things. I agree with those that suggest the child maintenance part of that should be reviewed if possible as it does seem a lot when there is 50/50 custody.

In terms of spending money on the children when they are with you, legally you don’t have to pay towards them at all. Morally, you have married this man creating a family with his children, and lived with them for many years, so I can’t understand how you can begrudge sharing your resources. You said that you don’t like just spending all the time together at home, so you are benefiting from the trips out.

There are always loads of Mumsnet comments advising women not to date/marry men that aren’t willing to care for their children. I’m not sure why the feeling is so different in this instance just because it is from a different perspective of a woman not wanting to contribute to a man’s children.

bridgetreilly · 02/05/2019 23:44

[Allot is a word. It's just not the word pp thinks it is.] /derail

AliceRR · 02/05/2019 23:46

YANBU

Butterymuffin · 02/05/2019 23:48

Won't your income be counted as supporting them for university purposes if they go? I would want to address this before that happens.

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