To resent spending my money on my step kids

[Whatamistakewhatamistake]

I’m expecting to be flamed but genuinely wonder if IABU?
My step kids are both teens and as is well documented on here, very expensive. DH and I have separate finances but pool money for food, bills, essentials. This works really well for us. We earn about the same.
He pays his ex wife well over the expected amount for his salary (he earns less than £30k and pays £500 a month - two kids).
We have the kids 50/50.

So what I’m asking is, he pays his ex to support the kids when they’re not with us but expects me to support him when they're with us. Remember they’re not my kids.

Please don’t give me the “you knew he had kids when you met him”, but honestly truly if I’d known what it would be like 7 years down the line id have walked away.

6* sorry five is right next to six

I have never said cheap option. I said he’d have paid double to get rid of her but that doesn’t mean it’s cheap

Yanbu, but the real question is why don't you just stop.
I do not pay for my dsc if I don't want to. I pay more than half for household expenses. Anything over and above is their parents responsibility.
Dp wouldn't ever ask or assume otherwise. I do volunteer to buy some treats like ice creams if out etc. I have a joint child with my dp, I have to be sensible with my money.
You cannot risk your family including your dsc future financial stability for treats. Your pension is needed for the future, possible even for treats fir step grandchildren!
Just say no, simples.

£6,000 a year for two teenagers is hardly enough to cover all their expenses. I have more than two children and I spend allot more on them per year.

IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO COVER ALL THEIR EXPENSES, FFS.

Their mother is also supposed to make a contribution towards their expenses because she is, you know, their mother. And if the kids live 50% with their father, she should be covering at least as much as he is. And if that means she has to get off her backside and get a proper job, well, her children are 17. Why on earth shouldn't she be doing that? And if she chooses not to, that's on her. There's no way on earth the OP should be covering those costs rather than the children's own bloody mother.

Moving out and getting my own place is not at all what I want to do. I resent paying for days out for my almost adult step kids,
That doesn’t mean I want to throw away a good marriage. Even if I did (which I don’t) it’s very expensive to start up a home??

YARSNBU!
This all needs revisiting

Why don't you just say no and stop? Have you ever tried just saying no?

Encourage the DSS to get a part time job instead of lying in bed all bloody day.

But it WAS the cheap option out of the two, so he took it to get rid of her. The point remains, it was a division of their assets, however much you don't like it now. All you can really do is deal with it - or leave.

Is the child component also until they reach 24, or just the spousal? If she's now living with a new partner surely it should be reviewed? Why would your DH be eligible to pay for the kids via their mum post 18 when they'll have presumably left school and either gone to uni or entered college/employment. Surely the spousal should be reviewed as she's now living with a new partner?

@arilla paying double wasn’t on the table, it was a turn of phrase. I’m afraid paying £500 a month isn’t cheap to me, and I certainly don’t have the cash to up and leave even if I wanted to, which I don’t.

Me and Exdp have 50/50 with teen son. I had the child benefit and tax credits as he went to school by Exdp and I had to travel 14 miles round trip twice a day for him. We sometimes pool for a gift like an iPhone, but mostly that’s it. He spends on ds when he’s down there and I when he’s up here.
My youngest son- his dad just pays for what I went whether that’s new clothes, shoes, a food shop, gas and electric and so on. We don’t have a set budget. If I’m stuck he gives it to me.
Luckily I have two exdp’s who would do anything for their children with no questions asked.

You have ALL my sympathies

I’m in a fairly similar situation. I don’t resent the SDCs. I resent him and the situation.

I’ve used a change in our living circumstances to try to start initiating a change to the status quo. But, different to you, he earns more than double what I do. If he earned the same as me... I’d be exactly like you, I think. And wouldn’t know how to get out of it.

Whatamistake, it seems to me that one tiny part of Bellaerie's post is a good suggestion. I do think you and your husband need an honest talk about your financial situation and a budget that is fair to you both. As his children are getting older, you need to agree together what his financial commitment will be to them, e.g. at university; what his financial commitment needs to be to you, for your life together, i.e. not just bills, but things like holidays and lifestyle; and what your financial commitment will be to him, for your life together. He does have obligations that you don't, to his children and his ex, though I definitely agree that it's worth investigating whether his payments to his ex can be reassessed. So there won't be a completely even arrangement. The question is what compromises are you both willing to make, in order to enjoy life together.

You can't simply say that you're never willing to pay more than your share for anything if that means he's never able to go on holiday with you, for example, because that way you both lose out. But it's also very unfair of him to say that all the costs of his children should be equally split between the two of you. Because you're right, over the next few years, those things are going up, not down.

One possibility to consider is what expectation is reasonable for the children to start contributing to their own expenses. Do they have jobs? Will he expect them to have jobs while they're at uni? If not, why not? Things like cinema and meals out and so on could be things it's reasonable for them to make contributions to.

I think the only way you are going to deal with the resentment you (I think reasonably!) feel is to have the conversation about it with your husband. With actual numbers and lists of priorities and working out something that probably won't be what either of you ideally want but which is fairer than you have now, and that you both agree to.

Why are some posters failing to understand that the father is paying £500 p/m in addition to he and the op paying for half of the costs to keep the children because they're 50/50 residency? It isn't very complex. Op's household is paying 50% plus £500; the mother's household is paying 50% minus £500. Therefore, the op's side is paying a much greater share of the children's care costs.

The op isn't suggesting that he should stop paying for them, she's saying that the costs should be split equally.

You have no money at the end of the month
Can you set up a regular saver at the beginning of the month
If you have no money near the end of the month, you won't be able to have meals out or pay for extras
I agree that there will be future things to pay for the children. Will he be expecting you to pay for driving lessons, cars, property deposits, weddings, holidays ?
Do you pay into a work pension ?
You need to decide what you will be contributing towards in the future. However, it is OK to say no
The children should be encouraged to find part time or FT jobs - depending on their further education

Whatamistakewhatamistake

£6,000 a year for two teenagers isn't allot so I'm pretty sure your husbands ex-wife would be working more hours to support her kids if she could, which is why I think she might have a disability of some sort. We don't really know behind the scenes and you might not either.

Your husband had children with his ex wife and needs to take responsibility for his children.

Despite you and your husband having his kids over at your joint place,
your husbands ex-wife still has to cover the expenses of her children.

You and your husband have slightly under £60,000 split between the two of you meanwhile your husbands ex wife has £6,000 a year to support her children.

There are 5 people in this house, two adults, two teens, one tween and one toddler

Have I missed something? I thought there was only two kids?

Why do you think the father should be paying if he has them 50/50 bellaellie?? He has just as many bills as their mother.

Honestly, a Dad could have their kids 6 nights a week and some posters would still think they should be paying £5000 per child to the mother because she's got expenses don't you know!!!

your husbands ex-wife still has to cover the expenses of her children

So does he.

You and your husband have slightly under £60,000 split between the two of you meanwhile your husbands ex wife has £6,000 a year to support her children

The ex wife has a new partner too so if you're going to be taking OPs wages into account then you need to take his as well.

CheeseIseverything

I was reffering to my two teenagers when I said two kids. As the OP is reffering to teenagers in her thread

As well as £6k she has her salary, Child Benefit, possibly tax Credits possibly a family home with a small mortgage or rent with partial housing benefit if she's on a low income...

£6,000 a year for two teenagers is hardly enough to cover all their expenses

It's not supposed to cover all their expenses seen as they have two parents who share equal custody.

I'm pretty sure your husbands ex-wife would be working more hours to support her kids if she could

Hahahahahaha. Or she might be sitting around because her ex-H is paying in and her new partner is covering the rest, leaving her lots of lovely hours and money to spend on whatever she wants. YOU DON'T KNOW.

CheeseIsEverything

regardless of the amount of time husbands ex-wife spends with her children, I know she still has things to pay for such as clothes and food probably fuel and the cost of whatever she & kids lives in.

£6,000 for two teenagers per year seems less than what is right. Don't see how she can afford it even having them only part time.

Oh wait! One bit of advice!

My DP has a similar spousal maintenance allowance thing going on. Pays £750 a month, which probably goes on till a similar timeline to your DH. His ExW has moved on with life, will not be experiencing hardship if she didn’t receive it.

When the SDCs (3 of them) start going to university, he is planning on giving the money (£250 each) directly to them, rather than his ExW. Which won’t be any financial saving to him, but it’ll give them a little independence from us.