To have expected 'boyfriend' to not have made separate bills while at the bar

[msdjames]

Went for lunch on break yesterday to a well known pub chain. I chose what I wanted (came to four pound). Gave the guy I've been seeing on and off for over a year ten pounds to cover my bill.

He came back and he'd made two separate orders. And then gave me my change.

We are currently not together due to personal issues that we are working on to make the relationship better. But he's says it's extremely serious and we will be together soon.

Me giving him the ten pound. And him using it means we are not at all serious imo. I'm not complaining at all btw. I just want to get a general consensus here. (Would work if the roles had been reversed too and I had been the one making separate bills)

Please, listen carefully:

There is never a place where a man should be verbally abusing you.

Tbh I am not sure how you can verbally abuse someone in this situation. Like "Don't be such a stupid bitch and letme pay your debt?"
No one should be abusing you whether verbally or physically.
Op the replies here are ridiculous because the way you put it was ridiculous. 🤷‍♀️ I actually assumed at 1 point that it was a joke post

She maybe surprised but I agree with pa1oma. Its his arguing that it is a relationship then seems like it's not.

However you know it's not and earlier claimed you just wanted to be casual. So this is a good thing.

Theres also the chance that by giving him the £10 he felt you were making it clear you want to pay your way. And he wasnt going to assume to were getting his aswell.

Regardless of the dinner, who paid, how many orders etc if he is verbally abusing you and messing you around it doesnt matter. You need to stop contact.

Oh and yes, where do you get lunch for £4.

No one should be verbally abusing you.

If you explain things to him in the way you've explained them on here, no wonder he's confused about where you both are.

Still doesn't give him any excuse to verbally abuse you.

Calling me a stupid prick. Telling me to fuck off and not to message him. So I don't message and then there's more abuse flying my way.

I didn't want to put this in my original post as I knew that would be the focus. He's extremely controlling and insecure. And I wanted it to be just about the fact of what I would have classed as a friendly lunch.

I just wanted people to say that no this is not in anyway serious, so I can show him I'm not being unreasonable in not involving him in my finances.

It really should be the focus. Why are you anywhere near this man? Bin him and move on. You aren't together anyway, so don't be almost-sorta-maybe-might-be-in-the-future-perhaps-together either.

Because he can be so lovely. And I do love him. I realise this is ridiculous.

I just wanted people to say that no this is not in anyway serious,

But they did. Not for the reason stated. But because its not a relationship. You dont want it to be either.

If you need mumsnetter to back you up, on wether he pays your debts or not then it's never going to be a decent relationship.

So it’s weird to do separate bills, yes, I wouldn’t do that out for a meal with a friend for example. Unless maybe I couldnt give you the right change so did it to open the till. Maybe it’s just his way of doing things, don’t read into it. As for abusive comments, not good.

The sandwich is irrelevant.

If he's controlling, insecure and nasty to you then you shouldn't be having lunch with him anyway. Dump him

Where is that bar that you can get lunch for £4 does that include a drink ?
(I'm totally missing the point , although not sure what the point is )

Jesus fucking wept.

It's lunch. You cannot gauge how serious a relationship is by who pays for lunch. But you're refusing the accept that.

Anyway, you're in debt, of course he didn't just spend your tenner buying his own lunch he knows you can't afford it. AND you've been refusing his help so probably thought it'd piss you off if he offered to pay.

Some serious growing up needs to be going on here.

Yeah, bin him. Lovely men don't verbally abuse you. My DH has never called me an offensive name in anger in the almost 20 years I've known him, regardless of money problems or how frustrated I've made him over things. Just because this bloke can sometimes be lovely, doesn't mean he is lovely.

(I mean you OP, no idea about the fella, but if he's stuck around for this type of nonsense he needs to wise up too)

You posted so you could show him he's unreasonable to want to be involved in your finances... By him being unreasonable for taking your £10 to pay for your sandwich and not returning your £10 to you 😐

He got separate bills at the bar so he could get the correct change for a tenner🤷‍♀️ Otherwise he would be doing that "I am sorry, but I need notes and/or coins to give £6 back" with the barmaid/barman🙄
Mystery sorted

This would be my assumption and he didn't pay for you because you've told him you don't want his money?!

Other than that he sounds like a nightmare, get rid

Have a think about the fact that even though it took you 7 pages to mention the name calling, plenty of posters were asking you about it.

Please don’t stay with anyone who calls you a prick.

I told him I didn't want to discuss my debt with him AFTER the lunch. Was the evening time. The lunch was just an example of why I didn't want to involve him.

If he's verbally abusing you then that should tell you a hell of a lot more about your "relationship" than who uses what money for what bills in the pub.

Him saying it's serious and you'll be together soon is him string you along. Using the £10; affirms this imho.

If I go out with a friend and I went to the bar and lunch was such a small amount I'd pay for both of us.

You say *I didn't care what he did with the ten pound!

But by doing what he did means we arnt in a place where he should be verbally abusing me for not letting him help with my debt.

To clarify. By him making separate bills at the bar, it points to the fact we arnt in this place*

So please, please put us out of our misery by explaining what, in your view, he could have done differently to show you were in a different place?

As a separate point, your later posts, where you say he is calling you names, makes it clear you should not be in a sort of relationship with him at all.
(But I'd still like to know what he should have done with the tenner).

WTAF, this thread needs to go in classics. I've. Not seen anything like it since Sharon.

Op. A relationship is as serious as both parties agree. One party cannot decide it is serious. Who pays for lunch does not dictate if it's serious. You'd be off your rocker to say, see, it's not serious as you got separate bills.

For two reasons.

1, you are not in a relationship.
2, apparently you don't wish to be although clearly that's him

If one person does not wish it to be serious and there is no relationship, then it's neither serious or a relationship. You do not need to set stupid tests to prove that to him or you.

I don't know you and even without the lunch I can tell you two things. You're not in a relationship and there is nothing serious about said non existent relationship. You simply can't be serious about something that doesn't exist.

He should have done whatever he wanted with the tenner.

He SHOULDNT be verbally abusing me for me saying we arnt in that place!

No, he shouldn’t be verbally abusing you at all.

Blimey