To have expected 'boyfriend' to not have made separate bills while at the bar

[msdjames]

Went for lunch on break yesterday to a well known pub chain. I chose what I wanted (came to four pound). Gave the guy I've been seeing on and off for over a year ten pounds to cover my bill.

He came back and he'd made two separate orders. And then gave me my change.

We are currently not together due to personal issues that we are working on to make the relationship better. But he's says it's extremely serious and we will be together soon.

Me giving him the ten pound. And him using it means we are not at all serious imo. I'm not complaining at all btw. I just want to get a general consensus here. (Would work if the roles had been reversed too and I had been the one making separate bills)

My best guess would be he's not yet out of his previous (i.e. ongoing) relationship. Whatever it is though, it means he's stringing the OP along

Oh, never thought of that! Yes, it's very odd the whole "In the future we will be serious" thing. Must be something like another relationship going on.

If you've got debt issues it's cheaper to make your own lunch at home. Surprising how those £4.00 sandwiches add up.

Wanders off to look at the flowers in the garden. Pretty.

No, I agree OP. It's not really the behaviour of a couple that you'd call an 'item'. Is he a bit kind of procedural on the whole...some people just have a very specific kind of modus operandi. Otherwise, I'd say the relationship is very very cool.

I get what you're saying OP - you would expect him to pay for both meals with your £10, rather than separate them.

I once dated a guy like this - he absolutely hated 'owing' anyone anything, so wouldn't accept anyone paying for him, but also wouldn't pay for anyone else. He could just about cope with a rounds system, although would note if my drink was a different price to his. The final straw was when we went to a pub while visiting my parents, and when DM arrived, he announced loudly "Jammy, it's your round isn't it?" to duck out of buying her a drink, even though she'd put him up for a few days.

It didn't last long.

It's all very silly isn't it?

I'd read it as him either not realising that the tenner was for both, or not feeling comfortable having you buy him dinner when he knows you're strapped for cash.

I don't think this action in itself says much personally

If I knew my friend was in loads of debt, I wouldn't use her £10 to get my drink.

When you say “he found out about” - do you mean other than you telling him ?

But he says it’s (your relationship, presumably?) extremely serious and we will be together soon
This makes zero sense. You are either in a relationship or you’re not.
What sort of numpties make plans to be together “soon, but not quite yet”? What are you waiting for?

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who is liable to ‘kick off’ and get angry full stop.
Stick to your guns and pay your own debts. Don’t be beholden to a guy like this.

I'm 61 and have been in a number of long term committed relationships. I have never once had this kind of issue with any one.

But he's says it's extremely serious and we will be together soon

and what do you say?

the guy I've been seeing on and off for over a year

He’s not the one

It sounds to me (and I'm probably completely wrong) like the OP thinks one sign of a serious relationship is one person paying for the full food order rather than each person paying separately.

So by not allowing the OP to pay the full food bill means that he doesn't really view the relationship as serious.

It all still sound pretty bonkers to me and too much like hard work.

So the “issues” that you are working on individually so that you can have a relationship are not your debt. You’re just both (or one of you) being weird about not just getting on with the relationship AND fixing issues.

Then he “found out” about your debt, and took the hump because you didn’t want his money. He thinks you should because you’re serious about each other. Except you’re not together

Then you get pissed off because he says you’re serious, but won’t accept you buying lunch. The day after you’ve (a) refused his money and (b) when he knows you’re in debt. Which is pretty reasonable.

You both sound as hard work as each other.

Run.

Him.

Not you.

What a really odd way of looking at life. You’re in for a world of pain if you don’t open your eyes and see that nobody does things like this.

This sounds like a total non-issue.

Me and dp pay for both meals.

However, we are in a proper relationship and share finances.

You made it clear you wanted to pay for your own, by giving him the money.

He knows you are in debt so would be a dick to assume you are paying for his.

Even if you do get into a serious relationship at some point. You arent now.

It sounds like bollocks that you arent bother about being serious. You would just sack him off after a year of this shit.

If he hasnt left, the person he is with, he wont. I am assuming that's the issue.

All sounds a bit tiring to me. Going out to lunch should be more fun.

I think it's what I would have done too. You gave him the money for your sandwich and i guess he wanted to give you the right change back? Also, maybe he was feeling awkward about your debt issues so he didn't want to pay for his lunch with your money or insult you by paying for lunch himself. It really sounds like he just did what he thought you wanted.

Ugh. I couldn't be with a guy who acted like this in a million years. Who wouldn't just cover the 4 quid for their partner, regardless of gender. Very unattractive.

OP, what did you want?

1. You gave him £10, wanting him to use it to pay for food for both of you. "Here, I'll pay for our food", as you hand over the tenner, would have cleared up any ambiguity.

1. You gave him £10, wanting him to pay for your food and give you your tenner back - how would he have known you expected that? By giving him the £10 you surely also gave him the message that you were expecting to pay for your own food.

1. You gave him £10, wanting him to use it to pay for your food and use his own money to pay for his. Congratulations! You got what you wanted! I'm old-fashioned enough to still use cash but I don't have £6 in change in my purse so I imagine he put your food on a separate bill so he'd get £6 change to give to you.

If it was a test to see if he'd return your money and pay for you he failed, so now you can bin him off and find someone else to play silly buggers with and he can find someone who doesn't set him relationship tests. Both of you win.

All seems very childish.

You're not meant for each other, move on and stop stringing each other along would be my advice.

Who wouldn't just cover the 4 quid for their partner, regardless of gender. Very unattractive.

Dieu, I agree. The OP may have some redeeming qualities, though. Unless... you meant he should have paid for both, but she shouldn't?

In answer to your question if you pay separately or each pay your own bill is not an indication of 'seriousness'.

A couple in a relationship either pay for each other or pay separately, just depends on whatever they see as standard. It is not a marker of if you are together or not.

What's chronically confusing about your relationship is the this weird transition that you seem to think you have to go through in order to be 'serious' or together. Any relationship where he's your 'boyfriend' but you're not together nor serious but will be once you've worked other things out isn't a good relationship.

There isn't an application process nor a required preperation course to being in a serious relationship, or even being boyfriend/girlfriend. You are or you aren't.

Whatever is going on between you and this man does not appear to being you certainty nor constancy. Lose him and seek happiness elsewhere.